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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband had affair with nanny - don't know what to do. Devastated & need help.

232 replies

kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 13:22

I found out my dh had been in an affair with our 30yo nanny on the due date of our 3 rd baby. They had been at it for about 6 months, even going on weekends away together - leaving me to care for our 2 active boys alone while heavily pregnant.
Needless to say the nanny was sacked immediately. We've been together nearly 20 yrs and I was not willing to rip apart our marriage without even trying to salvage it. We have seen a counsellor and things between us have been improving ( our relationship had been pretty miserable for a while - not all his fault but definitely made worse by his affair as he was being pretty mean to me).

My problem is I just keep finding out more stuff that he is lying to me about. I've questioned him about the affair - places they went to, when they spent time together and he just lies to my face (I' be snooped his emails).
Yesterday I discovered an email he sent her 3 weeks after I found out/2 weeks after baby born addressed as 'hi darling' with her final pay calculations. As she was fired for gross misconduct I was adamant she would not receive pay in lieu of notice, and told him I would handle the money transfers. This email makes it clear he went ahead and paid her a further 2 grand anyway.
I am livid - he's lavished her with gifts, romantic getaways while treating me like the hired help. He got me a packet of lindor for Mother's Day from tesco & he gives her 2 grand of our effing money. And he's lieing to my face about it.

On top of that I've discovered he's started to watch a lot of porn on the Internet ( we r not sleeping together & he is in spare room - the kids think it is because of the newborn).

We have no family close as we are both from abroad, and I am just so confused & distraught as our kids would be devastated if we split. (I would have left him if we didn't have 3 boys to consider).

Help!!

OP posts:
adiposegirl2 · 28/04/2015 21:16

kiwimommy your husband isn't going to give you the details of the affair, what's the point? You know about it. Why do you want the gritty details anyway.

Don't ditched your husband just yet. Affair aside, how is your husband toward you overall? How is the relationship overall? Be brutally honest with yourself when answering these two questions. Now factor back in the affair.

Do you think you will be able to forgive his affair? If he does everything possible to show remorse, will you be able to get over his affair? If you will NOT be able to get over the betrayal, leave.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/04/2015 21:20

Listen to AF. He's a shithead.

Original poster
kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 21:33

She was easy to excise, not that she's more guilty. husband + 19 yrs, 2 kids & baby on the way is not so easy to make snap decisions about. Yes the email to 'darling' is unbelievably hurtful. He only gave her up because he got caught so was feeling sad from the loss of his relationship. Not an excuse just a fact. Putting it in writing makes it seem even worse really.

We have a counselling session tomorrow, it's been a while as I had to find a reliable sitter- I've got to confront him with it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/04/2015 21:35

is the sitter young and pretty ?

AnyFucker · 28/04/2015 21:37

That wasn't very nice. My apologies.

My point is, what is he doing to make it clear he will never shag a younger woman who is at a disadvantage to him again ?

It takes a special kind of bastard to do that

In actual fact, how could he ever prove that ?

Icimoi · 28/04/2015 21:38

Have you asked him about paying the nanny? I'm wondering whether she threatened to take wrongful dismissal proceedings and he decided to pay her off to prevent that. I know nothing about employment law, but if you were both her employers then I can see she would have had a decent case against our husband.

Carlywurly · 28/04/2015 21:49

I'd knock the joint counselling on the head tbh and find someone to support you alone.

I'm really sorry to say I can't imagine how you could salvage this. Patch it over very temporarily maybe, but get over it long term and rebuild a healthy relationship, if it ever was such a thing? Never. Hmm

Vivacia · 28/04/2015 22:08

Working on your marriage isn't an option he's even considering, is it?!

Original poster
kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 22:42

The sitter will never be alone with my husband! I may seem a moron to not have kicked him out, but he's not got my trust yet. (Btw I didn't chuck him out cos I thought I might go into labour & the nanny was meant to be the person we'd call to look after the kids. I actually just took my hospital bag & took a cab to a friends house until my mum arrived from NZ - she jumped on a plane with 12 hrs notice).

OP posts:
Original poster
kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 22:46

I think he does have a sugar daddy complex of some sort. He 'feels sorry for her, we have so much & she has so little', 'her ex was a bastard' , 'she is so great with our kids' blah blah.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/04/2015 22:50

How about you? What do you think?

Vivacia · 28/04/2015 22:52

'feels sorry for her, we have so much & she has so little'

Well, she has even less now that he's finished with her.

springydaffs · 28/04/2015 22:53

You're not on the same page with this. Understandably, with all the hurt and shock (and vulnerability re new baby), you wanted to salvage the marriage if you could. meanwhile he's paying her 2k out of your joint money - without telling you - calling her 'darling', watching porn, 'mourning' the end of his affair, treating you like the skivvy.

Nope. He's just sorry he got caught, that's all.

I'm so sorry. I just can't see there's any way back from this. He's not invested in it at all. If there was anything worth investing in he'd be so sorry his eyeballs would bleed. Not seeing that here.

Do please leave this slime and find a way to build your life. Can you go home? Or would that mean leaving your lovely job? Would you have good support at home?

At least get some good counselling alone. I honestly can't see he's at all engaged in any recovery.

Flowers
PeppermintPasty · 28/04/2015 23:02

Did he actually say "her ex was a bastard" to you in an attempt to justify what he has done? Wow.

Please get angry. Please go and see a solicitor. I predict such unhappiness for you if you stay with him Sad

colafrosties · 28/04/2015 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/04/2015 23:09

If men are unfaithful, they usually shit on their own doorstep and shag their PA, the nanny or their wife's best friend.

I don't think this sounds salvageable, sorry. Sad

morethanpotatoprints · 28/04/2015 23:15

Get angry, ltb, solicitor, new nanny and best settlement you can, so your x nanny doesn't get your money.
Sorry, but he ain't gonna change.
What a twat. So sorry for you OP Thanks

villainousbroodmare · 28/04/2015 23:23

Kiwimommy, you sound so lovely, I want to seriously damage anyone who'd hurt you! I don't know what to say - I don't think I'd stay with that louse - but I think you must still be in shock and full of mixed feelings. Hugs x

StaceyAndTracey · 29/04/2015 06:03

Can I ask how you know that he's stopped seeing her ? Apart from " because he says so " .

Why do YOU need to arrange a sitter for the couselling - arent they his kids too ? Or are you the one pushing the couselling and he's going along with it ?

Do you have a new nanny or other childcare ? Is your husband spending a lot more time at home now, as he has a new baby and two other young children ?

StaceyAndTracey · 29/04/2015 06:04

Your mum sounds great - have you told her about what's happening ? Have you told other friends in RL?

AnyFucker · 29/04/2015 06:05

so, her "ex was a bastard"

poor girl

and now her employer has shagged her, promised her the earth then wiped her away like shit on his shoe and now she is alone and jobless

who is the bastard here ?

MaMaof04 · 29/04/2015 06:54

Kiwi
Glad your mum is coming to help you get through. (Sorry I said you are from Australia instead of NZ.)
My H had also applied some high values in a twisted way: his damsel had so many problems, and he helped her forging an identity, of course at the detriment of many people- us whom he was supposed to protect, and the little innocent child born to the affair.
You can't know from the behaviors displayed immediately after DD (Discovery/Disclosure Day) whether your marriage can be salvaged or not. During the affair they compartmentalize; they rationalize and they live in a completely foggy distorted planet. It might take time before they realize the harm they have inflicted (if they do of course). There is an MN lady who wrote the scenario of the rebuilding of her marriage. The odds of success at the start did not look better than yours: he loved the OW and was dumped by her. Still things are better now. I will try to find the relevant threads for you. Good Luck!

MaMaof04 · 29/04/2015 07:07

Here is the thread of LetUsGo who fought to salvage her marriage.
(Just one thing Kiwi: do your best to never give up on your career. That is the key of your freedom and independence. That is what will make you feel that if you stay it is by CHOICE. )
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2335502-Surviving-an-affair-long-overdue-update

MaMaof04 · 29/04/2015 07:24

Dear Kiwi
We do not know your husband. You know him. You will watch him. Make sure he is sincerely repentant and that his acts atone his affair before you make up your mind to stay (mind you might not even want to stay despite his efforts and remorse- only time will tell.)

IMO the book I advised is really good- it helped me speeding up the healing process if only by pointing to me the relevant processes and making me avoid the time-consuming error-and-trial phase. If you can please get it and read it and make him read it as well (the hell with him this H of yours: I should be advising you on books about babies right now! And yes please do get angry. When your mum is with you- let her care for the kids and do get angry and do collapse, and please do try to find distractions.)
The focus must be on you healing- starting with going through all the processes of mourning the life you had pre-affair. You will rebuild a new life of contentment I assure you but now is bereavement time.

Another thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2289860-support-thread-Marriages-in-recovery
Hugs and Good Luck!

shockthemonkey · 29/04/2015 08:00

Hi Kiwi,

There is no amount of counselling, no magic on this earth that will make a decent man of him.

I thought I had seen it all until I read your OP, but no...

So sorry