Husband had affair with nanny - don't know what to do. Devastated & need help.

[kiwimommy]

I found out my dh had been in an affair with our 30yo nanny on the due date of our 3 rd baby. They had been at it for about 6 months, even going on weekends away together - leaving me to care for our 2 active boys alone while heavily pregnant.
Needless to say the nanny was sacked immediately. We've been together nearly 20 yrs and I was not willing to rip apart our marriage without even trying to salvage it. We have seen a counsellor and things between us have been improving ( our relationship had been pretty miserable for a while - not all his fault but definitely made worse by his affair as he was being pretty mean to me).

My problem is I just keep finding out more stuff that he is lying to me about. I've questioned him about the affair - places they went to, when they spent time together and he just lies to my face (I' be snooped his emails).
Yesterday I discovered an email he sent her 3 weeks after I found out/2 weeks after baby born addressed as 'hi darling' with her final pay calculations. As she was fired for gross misconduct I was adamant she would not receive pay in lieu of notice, and told him I would handle the money transfers. This email makes it clear he went ahead and paid her a further 2 grand anyway.
I am livid - he's lavished her with gifts, romantic getaways while treating me like the hired help. He got me a packet of lindor for Mother's Day from tesco & he gives her 2 grand of our effing money. And he's lieing to my face about it.

On top of that I've discovered he's started to watch a lot of porn on the Internet ( we r not sleeping together & he is in spare room - the kids think it is because of the newborn).

We have no family close as we are both from abroad, and I am just so confused & distraught as our kids would be devastated if we split. (I would have left him if we didn't have 3 boys to consider).

Help!!

Vivacia - you are obviously correct, however (as weird as it sounds) I believe her DH will have thought he was "cleaning up" his affair and so technically in his mind it was part of the original deceit. That said now I am making large assumptions with little evidence to back it up. I was giving a possible reason DH thinks it was part of the original lies.

Weebirdie - Blimey, you really haven't understood much whilst living in this part of the world. That some of the Mediterranean countries are more Arab and Islamic than those in the Gulf

So Egypt (used in my example) is worse to unmarried women than KSA?? Not in my experience and I have worked in both.

As an unmarried woman?

(Sorry, couldn't resist).

Dr Morbius, you are on the money. He explained he did it because he thought it was the right thing to do, that he couldn't move on if he was worried about her not being able to pay her rent,& he didn't want to fight about it.

All BS in my view. She should have called on her real friends for support, she should have thought about this before, she's not some naive 18 y.o. He can't take it back, but he could at least see the error of his ways - that putting his own & her healing above mine was shite. I hope he is thinking about that now - that book has really made him stop & see that he needs to examine himself more, relinquish his privacy, adjust his approach to recovery. He's looking for a therapist outside of the couples counselling too. He sees that he did a lot of wrong things even after D day..

Mama04, sorry this thread has become a bit of a commentary on your decisions when you weren't asking for help. I personally ( being naturally Un skeptictical) do not see sadness & foolhardiness in your posts & they have been helpful to me. Thank you.

Im sorry DrMoribus but whilst you may have worked in a few countries you've certainly not started to understand them very much.

Thanks Kiwi,
I think the book well help a great deal. His original reaction was probably to minimise and damage limitation (this "would" have been my approach). Whereas to have any chance of reconciliation (and counter-intuitively) he should be doing completely the opposite. As I am sure he is now.

FWIW this is what I would also do now, having read this mn board for a couple of months. It has changed my opinion on lots of things.

Good luck, I hope your DW seizes this opportunity.

I pressed enter to soon.

And we are not talking about an unmarried woman. We are talking about an unmarried mother. Did you not realise that? We are talking about an Arab, perhaps Muslim woman, who has had a baby whilst not married.

Do you really think it would be Ok for her to rock up any where in the Arab world and be welcomed back into the fold.

Both her and the child would be ostracised and the mother perhaps jailed or even worse - you do know about honour killings?

ps - I should have said "this is what I would also do now" if I was your DH.

Just before anyone thinks I am having an affair.

OK Weebirdie - I obviously cannot demonstrate how much I know.

Do you really think that the ME has had no unwanted pregnancies in the last 1500 years?? If an unmarried woman became pregnant in Egypt or Jordan (as long as her family were not hardline), then someone would be "produced" to marry her (relative, family friend etc). Then they either stay together or get divorced. Then she becomes a divorced mother which is entirely acceptable.

Ive lived the life for 40 years as the wife of a Gulf National and the mother of 5 Arab children.

Please do not even try and tell me what goes on
in your cloud cuckoo land.

I don't understand how you can give this man another chance? Did you say he was caught out? Would he still be sleeping with the Nanny if he hadn't of been caught? I don't know how you reconcile under those circumstances. Different if he fessed up.

Honestly you're worth more.

Kiwi, Im sorry your thread went off on a tangent.

I'll stop posting on it now whilst wishing you well.

Kiwi
I am glad the book and my story help.
Wee: Now I really do understand better your previous posts. I will go and read them again when I have time. About the Lesbian thing: you are right I might be wrong. Thank you wee for the support. (About bold: I think that for it to work, the text between * * must not contain characters such as dot, parenthesis and the like.)
Vivacia: The help my H gave her: legalize her status in the UK to have a good job, making friends - just to find a place in the UK society and to be independent in the UK. I knew about this help and supported it. After about a year she fell in love and 'seduced' him (yeah!). He succeeded very well: she has all of this + a child + a love story that many people will believe. (We found out that she lied about her ex-husband). Next time I meet her I will tell her to post on MN. You will be her staunch supporter .

Now was really the last time I replied to MN posters about my story. I will bring it up only if it might help Kiwi move forward.
Have a nice week-end Kiwi! (Do you think about a trip somewhere - just to clear your mind a bit?)

Fair enough Wee. That said I just googled unmarried mother Jordan/Egypt and this was the very first thread (I didn't bother looking any further), obviously they are also cuckoo land like me.

www.egyptsearch.com/forums/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=007411;p=1

Dr Morbius and Wee
You are right- the moderate ones knew how to find a cousin or whatever to cover up the shame - but it seems that things have changed a lot and there is more and more radicalization in the Arab/Muslim world. Especially among the families whose children are attracted by the Western world. So it is a complex world.
I just hope that this discussion distracts a bit Kiwi from her own problems.

The DH is so contrite about having sex with another woman that every evening he takes himself off to the spare room and wanks off to other women.

That's what I call a man really committed to his broken-heated wife.

I agree JohnFarley.

OP - you deserve way better than this. He is totally taking the piss and clearly has no respect for you or your marriage - sorry.

Dr Moribus I dont suppose it ever crossed anyones mind that the couple in the Embassy were already married in the Islamic sense and the British wedding was a formality, or them perhaps just wanting to be married according to two traditions.

Here's another 'male perspective': He's a dick. He's done it once, he might make the right noises now, but he can easily do it again. You won't be able to trust him with women again, it'll eat away at you.

Now I really will stop posting.

Its and time

Have a good day everyone.

UncertainSmile (that's a The The reference right?) cuts right to it: he's a dick.

How are you this morning Kiwi?

I'm not going to further thrash this thread with regard to the holes in MaMa's story (husband helps random foreigner to get legal status and she falls for him after this...? OW's family don't want him to see child but they live in another country anyway..? etc)

But it's a salutary tale of the dangers of trying to rebuild a marriage on palpable nonsense out of desperation and self-deception. You will be lying to yourself and turning a blind eye for the rest of your life, or as long as it takes the husband to bugger off with someone else. The foundations will inevitably crumble.

Do NOT give up your job. tell him to move out.
Put your big girls pants on & tell him this whole continuing bag of lies is enough to show you his true spineless cheating persona is something he can 'sit & spin' on.

I genuinely can't believe what some pp are advising you to do. At the end of the day it's your decision but your husband betrayed you when you were vulnerable (yes I consider pregnant women emotionally vulnerable). My exdp left me pregnant for ow. They've just had a baby. Newsflash, he's cheating on her too. I'm pretty sure I'm not projecting when I say a leopard doesn't change its spots-at leastnot one that fucked the nanny under your nose for at least six months.

Here's my first LTB and also and as you deserve so so much more than this nobjockey.

Take 2 grand out of the joint account and put it somewhere safe. When he questions it, say you've realised you have been unfair to nanny and given her the pay in lieu
yes