Husband had affair with nanny - don't know what to do. Devastated & need help.

[kiwimommy]

I found out my dh had been in an affair with our 30yo nanny on the due date of our 3 rd baby. They had been at it for about 6 months, even going on weekends away together - leaving me to care for our 2 active boys alone while heavily pregnant.
Needless to say the nanny was sacked immediately. We've been together nearly 20 yrs and I was not willing to rip apart our marriage without even trying to salvage it. We have seen a counsellor and things between us have been improving ( our relationship had been pretty miserable for a while - not all his fault but definitely made worse by his affair as he was being pretty mean to me).

My problem is I just keep finding out more stuff that he is lying to me about. I've questioned him about the affair - places they went to, when they spent time together and he just lies to my face (I' be snooped his emails).
Yesterday I discovered an email he sent her 3 weeks after I found out/2 weeks after baby born addressed as 'hi darling' with her final pay calculations. As she was fired for gross misconduct I was adamant she would not receive pay in lieu of notice, and told him I would handle the money transfers. This email makes it clear he went ahead and paid her a further 2 grand anyway.
I am livid - he's lavished her with gifts, romantic getaways while treating me like the hired help. He got me a packet of lindor for Mother's Day from tesco & he gives her 2 grand of our effing money. And he's lieing to my face about it.

On top of that I've discovered he's started to watch a lot of porn on the Internet ( we r not sleeping together & he is in spare room - the kids think it is because of the newborn).

We have no family close as we are both from abroad, and I am just so confused & distraught as our kids would be devastated if we split. (I would have left him if we didn't have 3 boys to consider).

Help!!

I'm curious, and you may not want to answer, but how are things at home? Are you sharing a bed, are you doing his laundry, cooking his meals?? Have you told people or are you dealing with this alone?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but what he has done to you makes it pretty clear he doesn't actually love you, well not in the way you and all of us deserve to be loved - I'd be amazed if he turned this all around and suddenly becomes the dotting partner, actions speak much more than words.

Be very cautious, I hope you get the result you want but I too think you are kidding yourself, perhaps you just need the next few months to actually realise he's not worth it - you are probably still in shock.

Vivacia, no we're not sharing a bed and generally not doing his washing. Cooking for him occasionally ( if I cook for myself & kids).

He's been better at cooking sometimes & with a few other chores. In the main tho I've been trying to do everything mainly because I want to prove to myself that I could cope alone if I decide to. I don't want to stay out of fear of becoming a single mum.

Kiwi - does your mum know and what does she advise ?

Kiwimommy - you sound so level headed for someone who has been through all you've been through.

I'm a great believer that people can redeem themselves, and that if you honestly think he will be able to make amends, then perhaps your DH is one of them. I hope so.
But - keep your eyes and ears open and just keep prepared over the next few weeks to consider that he may have an epiphany, but that it may be hard for him to sustain that epiphany.

Ladies You are absolutely right: he behaved like a cunt. His side that indulged in the affair and in minimizing it whilst in it and after it is not a pleasant side to say the least. Kiwi is aware of that. I think that I also see it. However Kiwi and her H have a 20 years shared life and she knows him better than all of us on MN who just got a glimpse in his nasty behavior. Kiwi wants to give him a second chance based on the 20 years of common life- his disgusting behavior was short-lived. He wants to rebuild his marriage. The book he read is not exactly showering with compliments betrayers and require from him hard and deep work to overcome and address the issues that popped out and made the affair happen. His reaction after reading the book shows that he was' fogging' himself during and after the affair- otherwise he would not have had it at a time when his wife was so vulnerable. Kiwi's vulnerability was not on his mind: the 30-years OW was on his dicks with her sordid and sad life. SO he was bad for a period of 6 months. It is a long period- no doubt about it, not a drunken slip- but still it is a drop in the 20 years of common life and in the long future that they might still build together (maybe in the UK maybe in their own country with families and friends). There are some underlying issues: no doubt about it. Kiwi is willing to give him a chance to work on them and to atone for his behavior. Why is that bad? Good
BTW the DD for me was on 9/8/14 and I still have no physical contact with him-,although he stopped the affair years before the DD and is tormented by it; I bought a huge bad and we sleep at the edges with sometimes the kids between us. Like you I cook and do everything as usual: when I cook for the kids I also cook for him. When I prepare a cup for me I prepare a cup for him. So what? even murderers have some minimal rights and most criminals do not have a life sentence and we all hail them and see in them heroes when they repent and turn their life around. Similarly we are all in awe with people who quit drugs and turn their life around and we admire the partner that helped them go through the process. Affairs are kind of drugs for people with mild depression. By all means I am for educating young people about the danger of affairs like we educate them about the danger of drugs. But that is another issue. All I want to say is: the H behaved as a cunt for 6 months - but what is 6 month compared to the past 20 years and to the potential next decades of common life? If he is willing to re-build better relationships, a richer canvas of common life then the affair will just be a tiny fading by the day drop in their marriage life. If he addresses his deep issues then the affair might even be a blessing in disguise. If he does not change much and he remain a potential cheater/cunt then Kiwi can walk off the marriage the head high knowing that she did her best to save her marriage.

huge bed*
There are surely plenty of errors. Sorry I got to go and help the kids with some tough homework.
Anyway: Kiwi I am happy he read the book and that he reacted well to it. I hope you have a good counselor who will bring him to talk about his 'demons' and to face them (it might be mild depression because he works from home and because he is far away from the family and friends and from sunny NZ sun- the awful feeling of disconnection that often underlies the life of people living in foreign countries can be destructive- it might be lack of boundaries etc etc.) I hope your marriage will survive the affair and will even improve.
BTW did you read the book? I think that it will be good if he/you read/s it more than once. (I intend to buy the book 'not just friends' to resume physical bonds- but not yet, just not yet- because as a matter of fact: sex is not important to me. )

People don't have sides. They are not boxes. I'm paraphrasing Carrie Fisher.

I wonder sometimes if I have mild depression. Whatever it does to me, it does not cause me to go around shagging/lying/cheating.

But are you a poor, misunderstood man Pepper? They're not made the same as us, you see. They're easily tempted by those non-human Other Women. It's biology. They can't help themselves. They just need the love of a good wife to rescue them.

MaMo - Not Just friends is not about resuming physical bonds. Its more in depth than the How to Help book, looking at boundaries and how affairs can easily develop. It is a good book for those who are thinking of staying in the marriage although there is a section which covers when it is best to throw in the towel.

(and Glass is very clear about the huge amount of work the cheater has got to do in addressing their own weaknesses and character flaws if the marriage is to recover).

big hugs op this must be so hard for you.how did you find out btw?

thanks neither; now that you explained me what it is about I am really tempted to buy it.
pepper : explaining does not mean justifying. you are right: even if mild depression was there it would not justify the affair and would not have been the primary reason; it is just a trigger to some other deeper issue that has to be addressed.

So Neither the book is:
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, is it ?
Do you know people it helped?
(BTW the book 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair' is also requiring hard work from the unfaithful- and is still leaving up to the betrayed to decide whether to stay or whether to leave the marriage.)

OP i've not read the entire thread as I just don't have the time- have you told your family? Will they not come and help you even if it's just for a couple of weeks? I couldn't cope in your position and would want support so just a thought.

Wow - Vivacia you must have been through the wringer.

Also- did you get the nanny from an agency? I'm sure you want to keep this on the "down low" as possible- but personally I wouldn't be able to live with myself if another family went through this and I could of potentially done something to stop it.

Why DrMorbius? Because Vivacia is coherent and clear headed enough to see this man for who he is?

To clarify they are definitely not my views!! As I hit post I was thinking I should have added a to the words!

Everyone chooses his part in affairs. Some are 'l'avocat du diable' advising most of the time LTB and I am the staunch supporter of re-building marriages and strengthening them by bringing the betrayer to work hard on his issues and atoning for the affair by becoming a better husband and a better dad. Maybe the difference is in our experiences. Maybe the pro-LTB think that dealing with betrayal and staying in the relationship mean dancing the pick me up dance and of course that would not end well: it will leave the betrayer stuck in the anger phase, with 'this image of his penis in her vagina' (vivacia you said you would not forget this kind of image ) . I did not choose the pick me up dance. Kiwi is not dancing the pick me up dance either. I and I think Kiwi as well are reacting by telling our H: you broke the vows and jeopardize the marriage by your stupid/despicable behavior, now pick up the pieces and bare naked your soul and work hard to improve yourself. We give this second chance because we hold in their favor the numerous good years we had together, and because we think that human nature can be weak -we all make mistakes- and we do believe in remorse, repentance and atonement- that is what the betrayer has to achieve; we , the betrayed we hope to heal and forgive and move forward either with a better marriage or a clear conscience that we did our best to save our marriage.

I read Vivacia's post as tongue in cheek Morbius.

I'm suffering from depression at the moment. Haven't been tempted to find a younger man, shower him with gifts and whisk him away for the weekend though.

I must say, some of the advice given on this thread is most peculiar to say the least.

And I felt sad for you MaMa, that you bought a huge bed, so you can sleep with plenty of space between you and your cheating husband. Surely that must feel so lonely?

Whatever your decision is (and I know what mine would be) I hope he starts to show some real and genuine remorse. He should be on his bloody knees begging forgiveness. Regardless of whether he thinks you may want him back.

I read Vivacia's post as tongue in cheek Morbius.

I think everyone did, except Morbius.

He fucks the ow right under the ops nose, now he fucks off to his room to wank over strangers.

Op you're financially independant, why would anyone chose to live like this?

MaMa Adultery is not a football match or general election and there are no 'camps' with regard to strategies to tackle infidelity. Some relationships are salvageable and some are not.

A general policy that short affairs in long marriages should be worked through rather misses the point as it depends entirely on the circumstances and individuals involved.

Errant husbands are not naughty dogs that can be retrained. One cannot as you claim 'bring' a 'betrayer to work hard on his issues and [atone] for the affair by becoming a better husband and a better dad', ie compel a man to self-improvement by force of your will.

That rather implies the role of the wife is part shrink, part prison warden, part priest. This belief may make a woman feel empowered in the short term, but it's an illusion. In fact, it boils down to how sorry the cheat is, how much he wants to rebuild the relationship, and whether he's got the mettle to stay the course.