Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband had affair with nanny - don't know what to do. Devastated & need help.

232 replies

kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 13:22

I found out my dh had been in an affair with our 30yo nanny on the due date of our 3 rd baby. They had been at it for about 6 months, even going on weekends away together - leaving me to care for our 2 active boys alone while heavily pregnant.
Needless to say the nanny was sacked immediately. We've been together nearly 20 yrs and I was not willing to rip apart our marriage without even trying to salvage it. We have seen a counsellor and things between us have been improving ( our relationship had been pretty miserable for a while - not all his fault but definitely made worse by his affair as he was being pretty mean to me).

My problem is I just keep finding out more stuff that he is lying to me about. I've questioned him about the affair - places they went to, when they spent time together and he just lies to my face (I' be snooped his emails).
Yesterday I discovered an email he sent her 3 weeks after I found out/2 weeks after baby born addressed as 'hi darling' with her final pay calculations. As she was fired for gross misconduct I was adamant she would not receive pay in lieu of notice, and told him I would handle the money transfers. This email makes it clear he went ahead and paid her a further 2 grand anyway.
I am livid - he's lavished her with gifts, romantic getaways while treating me like the hired help. He got me a packet of lindor for Mother's Day from tesco & he gives her 2 grand of our effing money. And he's lieing to my face about it.

On top of that I've discovered he's started to watch a lot of porn on the Internet ( we r not sleeping together & he is in spare room - the kids think it is because of the newborn).

We have no family close as we are both from abroad, and I am just so confused & distraught as our kids would be devastated if we split. (I would have left him if we didn't have 3 boys to consider).

Help!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/04/2015 14:24

I would split because of your boys, not use them as an excuse to cling desperately to a man that had fucked me over so comprehensively

MaMaof04 · 28/04/2015 14:26

oh dear!
It hurts like hell, doesn't it? I know it first hand.
These men are so sure that they will get away with it- it is what I call the perfect criminal spirit. Psychologists call it the childish mind.
Anyway, let us focus on your aim: rebuilding your marriage.
I am trying to do the same (my H is more disgusted by his behavior than I am however the consequences of his betrayal are more tragic: an innocent child was born to the affair. He is a good dad to all our 4 kids and to this little one.) So:
1- Try to find people you can talk to - face to face; not only a counselor that you pay to listen to. I guess you are from Australia and you can't ask a good friend to come to you in the UK. But maybe you can find a pastor/minister or some MN-mums that live in the area. You can meet up and sob and cry and shout and swear and LET IT GO. (Ask him to care for the kids when you go out and relieve you raw pain.)
2- Join some dance/yoga/pilates/zumbas classes. it is great. Slowly slowly after the first 'long torturing' classes, the music and the steps start permeating your body , mind and you will find yourself doing steps at the kitchen whilst the turmoil of the affair is pushed to a background of yourself. Read. Watch movies etc Distraction is thus important. (he should care of the kids when you collapse/distract yourself- ignore the laundry-the mess and any housework unless they act as distractions upon you. I know there is the baby and the other kids. It is not easy.
2- Of course the counselor is important. It is also important that you get along well with the counselor. Maybe her/his approach to life is not your style. Choose one that display the same values as yours.
3- He -your H- must understand the extent and the depth of the harm his affair has caused you. It might take time.
4- He must show true remorse
5- His behavior must atone for his affair.
There is a good book I would advise you to read and make him read:
'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair' by Linda J. MacDonald.
I hope you will soon start healing. It takes time. 20 years: we women build some physical connection with our long term partners. The affair hurts us physically (I felt like the pain was drilling my heart- every morning and evening at the start), emotionally and intellectually (we are completely confused- we go back to the past when he was living his parallel life and we try to reorganize our memories/sensations/feelings etc and we also try to fit his behavior with the romantic side of his personality we learnt to love over the years.)
It is tough. It is good that you want to give a go at re-building your family unit for the sake of your children. But do remember in such cases the behavior and feelings of the betrayer are keys to the success of your attempts to rebuild your family unit. However by giving it a go, if it does not succeed then you can walk off the head high confident that you did your best to salvage the family unit. We are here for you. There are a few threads about marriage recovery. There are some success stories as well. Good Luck!

PatriciaHolm · 28/04/2015 14:28

If you feel the need to monitor his accounts, then clearly you don't trust him, and with very good reason. So why would you stay with someone you can't trust? And quite frankly, never will be able to - he's clearly happy with ongoing deceit, not just about the affair itself.

This is who he is, I'm afraid. Listen to what his actions are telling you, not his words.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2015 14:29

You would be far better off without this man in your day to day life. He cares not a jot for the emotional upheaval to your life that he has created and left in his wake.

Do not stay with this cheater of a man for your children; its a terribly heavy burden to place upon a child and teaches them damaging lessons about relationships. They're not going to say "thanks mum" to you if you choose that path of staying; they will look at you and ask you outright why in their eyes you put him before them.

Cherryapple1 · 28/04/2015 14:31

What possible reason could you have for staying with him? I can't think of one.

There are no repercussions are there. Shag the nanny, get your knuckles rapped, but still message her, use porn, give her money. You will just be waiting for him to do it again - either with her or someone else. He clearly doesn't give a shit about you or your boys does he?

MumRaah · 28/04/2015 14:40

You deserve better OP

Just think what kind of example you'd be setting for your boys if you allow this to continue.

Thanks For you

justnippingin · 28/04/2015 14:43

I couldn't have put it better anyfucker

Yarp · 28/04/2015 17:43

OP

I think this is one of the shittiest stories I have heard about. He is a shit.

rumred · 28/04/2015 17:48

Does your counsellor know about his behaviour? What a vile man, his treatment of you and your children is atrocious on every level. I can't imagine he is a decent person with integrity.decent people don't do things like this. Hope you have real life friends to talk to

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 28/04/2015 17:49

Exactly what Anyfucker said. You and your children deserve so much better.

nicenewdusters · 28/04/2015 18:06

AnyFucker's bang on the money as ever. What kind of man is in a relationship with both the woman who gave birth to his children, and the woman you're paying to then help look after them ? Did he get some sort of twisted kick out of that ?

As for your boys being worse off if you leave him. Just think what kind of father/person he must be to enter into a sexual relationship with someone you have entrusted your children to ? I couldn't even look at him again, let alone live in the same house and go to counselling.

You sound strong, sensible, grounded, and you have a good job. I'd leave him to his porn whilst you live a morally healthy, happy life with your boys. Good luck.

PeppermintPasty · 28/04/2015 18:13

What a shithead. Get to a solicitor pronto. You and your dc deserve better than this utter wanker.

carbolicsoaprocked · 28/04/2015 18:45

He sounds rancid. Remember you have to think about the long-term in situations like this. Here's my family story, it may be of some help. My Dad had an affair when I was 8, my parents spilt up, I was upset but coped. Then about a month later my Mum took him back. Although I was only 8 and my life had been all sunshine and bubbles before the split I knew this was not a good thing, and everyone kept asking me why I wasn't happy my Dad had moved back in. I just told them I was happy, but really I was gutted, I just knew it wasn't right. So they lived together unhappily for years and my sister and I knew it. They finally broke up when I was about 25 (after he had another affair) and that was when the real damage was done to mine and my sister's relationships with my Dad. My Mum took him back when we were little solely for our benefit, but although we were probably financially better off we certainly didn't benefit emotionally - particularly not in the long-term. After he showed such a lack of respect for the second time (almost 10 years ago now) I have been unable to trust a word he's said or show any form of emotion in front of him. I wouldn't give your husband a chance to do that to your boys.

balia · 28/04/2015 19:10

Take 2 grand out of the joint account and put it somewhere safe. When he questions it, say you've realised you have been unfair to nanny and given her the pay in lieu.

You need to decide honestly if this is actually worth saving. Don't hide behind what might or might not be best for the DC, really be honest with yourself about whether this is worth any further emotional or financial investment.

tallwivglasses · 28/04/2015 19:45

I love balia's idea. Please do it. Then tell him to fuck off. Angry

49again · 28/04/2015 19:49

What he has done is the lowest of the low.

Original poster
kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 20:06

Wow, seems most responses are in favour of ditching him. It certainly helps to have sympathetic comments & validation about how i am feeling & my opinions on what he's done.
Thanks mamaof04 & atotalshambles for your advice. It is heartening to hear others have been successful. I will be getting that book as one issue for me is that while he is regretful I don't think he gets how profoundly he has hurt me.
I appreciate the comments from kids of divorce too. My boys love their dad but I certainly don't want them to growinto men who can treat women like doormats.

I just have to decide if he has irreversibly turned into a lying, cheating, two faced narcissist or if the man he was for a decade and a half is in there still.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/04/2015 20:10

You have it the wrong way round.

The man that cheated and treated you like shit was in there all along. He just didn't get caught.

It's not a mistake to completely fuck over your wife for the trusted nanny. It's a conscious choice. And the devaluing of you he must have had to perfect in order to give himself permission to do such a thing would have been immense.

Original poster
kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 20:10

Oh yes, & I really like the idea about taking out the cash. i might just find my way to do that.

OP posts:
tulipbulbs · 28/04/2015 20:11

I'm sorry that he has hurt you and your children.
Forgiven is the most wonderful thing and I think it is part of the best relationships. It's lovely to know that you don't have to be perfect to be loved. But, you can only forgive someone, who wants to be forgiven, who knows what they have done and who wants not to do it again.
Your husband is making the right noises,but, is he really acting as though he means it? For me, watching porn would be a betrayal after what he has done. When you feel fragile and your confidence has been knocked, shouldn't he be lavishing attention on you? and accepting your anger and dealing with it? Shouldn't he be looking at you and his new child and delighting in that sight?
If, he is doing anything less, is he worth keeping?

magoria · 28/04/2015 20:12

What af says.

You just saw the good side of him because it suited him for that length of time.

All of what he is is him.

lorrainecleaver · 28/04/2015 21:02

"Needless to say the nanny was sacked immediately." Good. And why wasn't he sacked immediately? Or was she somehow more guilty and reprehensible?

AnyFucker · 28/04/2015 21:06

the dirty slapper made him do it

lorrainecleaver · 28/04/2015 21:10

Yes, and his only mistake was getting caught. Can't get over the email to 'darling' even after the fact. That's not a man who gives a shit.

fluffapuss · 28/04/2015 21:14

Hello Kiwi

He does not respect you one little bit - his wife & mother of his children

He was thinking "with his bits" not his head

It was all about HIM

I would round house kick him to the ground & divorce him for every penny you can get

You deserve better

Good luck

Swipe left for the next trending thread