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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gambling - £550 on MY credit card

199 replies

honeysuckleclimber · 27/04/2015 13:51

I've just logged onto my credit card and find just over £550 has been paid out to a well known gambling website. A well known gambling website that DP prefers to use. Coincidence I think not... Hmm what makes it more shocking as this has all been added on since 22nd April, and £450 of it was two days worth Shock

I am literally lost for words. I know DP likes a gamble but he'd told me he'd cut down, and I never had any idea it was at this sort of level. Ever. Stealing from my credit card?! I don't know what to do. sorry for rrambling, I am a bit blindsided Blush

OP posts:
HellKitty · 28/04/2015 15:00

The winnings wouldn't have come back to you. They'd have gone straight back on to win more. You need to cancel and change all your cards. Everything. Run a credit check on both of you and see what you're liable for. Run through his computer history and every site he's on or looked at, he has to log in, in front of you, and choose the cooling off option. This will prevent him from logging in or rejoining for a set amount of time. I used to work in the gambling industry and it is disgusting. It was our (my) duty to warn people if you thought they had a problem - can you imagine how that went?!

QuintShhhhhh · 28/04/2015 15:00

and instead of reassuring her and showing his love for her, he laughs in her face and make up stupid stories which are so dumb that she is bound to see through them, because he is so full of remorse and he loves her so much.

Or he does not give a shit - other than caring he lost a card he could use.

LurkingHusband · 28/04/2015 15:01

Just a thought ...

make sure there's nothing associated with your credit card account (not just the card). Like any regular ongoing debits, for example.

I fell foul of this, where I let a card I had used to sign up for a service which is renewed every 2 years (domain name) expire. I didn't bother to cancel the subscription as I assumed it would fail when the expired card was used. It didn't fail, as it turned out by using the card, I had effectively connected the subscription to the account.

Make sure your CC company know the score, and that the card was used fraudulently - and don't be surprised if they want to involve the police. If you don't, you will be liable Sad.

QuintShhhhhh · 28/04/2015 15:01

I wonder why familyguy come at this with the perspective that HIS feelings are so more important than HER feelings?

glidingpig · 28/04/2015 15:34

Fact is, bad behaviour is not generally rooted in deep villainous evil. Nor is it only committed by really horrible people. It's committed by people with weaknesses and flaws, and we all have some of those - you can dig down into almost any behaviour and find, on some level, an aspect that is understandable. But understandable and forgiveable aren't the same thing. If this man can't even face his fuck-ups enough to show the remorse that we charitably suppose he may be feeling, what grounds does the OP have to hope that he'll change? He laughed at her when she confronted him. Why is she still meant to be the one worrying about his feelings? What about her bloody feelings?

glidingpig · 28/04/2015 15:48

And can I just say - I have previously run up a credit card and kept it hidden from DH. Badly hidden, because I felt like shit about it and was terrified. But still, I set out to deceive because I was scared of facing my own actions. It was fucking awful, all my memories of that time are just this sick haze of panic. I never, ever stole or took out debt in DH's name, and I only had access to a relatively small amount of credit, so my fuck-up was a lot smaller than this guy's. But it was still a fuck-up.

One day DH found my credit card bill. And you know what, I couldn't express enough remorse. He had to tell me to shush in the end so we could get some sleep. I thought he would leave me, but instead he forgave me and helped me get myself back on track. If I'd laughed at him? I hope he would have left me, because he deserves better than that, and so does the OP.

geekymommy · 28/04/2015 19:09

I was expecting a reaction from the OP's P more like what glidingpig did. Even if he didn't feel particularly remorseful, surely he knows that he would be expected to be in this situation, and would at least try to fake it? He didn't even do that. His laughing when the OP found him out is what I find to be the most perplexing and disturbing part of all of this.

cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 19:23

It is .....different. If I were the OP, I'd almost be moved to check the contents of his washbag - except that the OP is, sensibly, getting out of a situation which is not her responsibility.

Original poster
honeysuckleclimber · 28/04/2015 19:49

I expected grovelling too. We've spoken tonight, same old same old. In fact, he was even more irritating. He thinks im overreacting because I haven't lost anything I'll get it back. Still no answers. Not even the fainted bit of remorse. Ughh, whatever. So here I am, 28 years old and back camping at my mums in my old room I left 10 years ago BlushConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
honeysuckleclimber · 28/04/2015 19:50

Sorry I hope that makes sense, quite a few typos, typing on my phone is a nightmare!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 19:58

Old room or no, it was the right thing. Did you take the cat with you?

Oh - and is your Mum being supportive?

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/04/2015 19:59

28 is no age.

Did you get the cat?.

tribpot · 28/04/2015 20:00

You'll get it back when? On the mythical day when he wins big and doesn't immediately bet it all in the belief he can win bigger?

cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 20:01

PS - hope you've got/are getting your financial affairs in order now.

Twinklestein · 28/04/2015 20:04

You're a wee nipper OP and you've had a lucky escape.

Familyguy222 · 28/04/2015 20:07

Wow I make a post giving my honest opinion and I get accused of being naive, having boundary issues and also being a compulsive gambler.

Although I would never steal from anyone in my life or out of it from that matter and I do not have a gambling addiction or even gamble. I do not see the need to jump to the worst conclusion about his actions.

Look this guy could be a completely morally defunct person which I admit there is some evidence to support. There may also be the possibility that he is not and there is also evidence to support this in the fact that OP said he was a loving and considerate person.

There are many degrees of gambling addiction. Through a past job I have come into contact with a lot of problem gamblers and whilst many have a true sickness which will mean gambling will always control their life for others they make a stupid mistake or a series of stupid mistakes that snowball but they do not always repeat this on a regular basis.

I feel very strongly about online gambling sites and the way they target late night slots where young people have been out drinking and the fact they survive from peoples misery. They are designed to be addictive and to get you to lose more than you intended. I put them in an exploitative group with pay day loan company's that really are way over due some firm regulation in this country.

You will find there are many people who have spent more than they meant to when in a casino or at the races this is how these places profit and therefore exist. So just because this happened once it does not mean it will always be destined to happen again. He has a generous salary and has offered to pay the money back.

Ultimately I think the OP made a very sensible decision. He crossed a line and it is a scary situation and their are many good men out there who do not gamble and would never exhibit this kind of weakness. I am purely just trying to add a little balance to the comments and point out that it may not automatically be the worst case scenario.

magoria · 28/04/2015 20:08

He is still in fantasy I will win big addict land.

Please do consider reporting for theft for his own sake.

cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 20:11

I think there may be more than one issue in play here, magoria but that's not my strong suit I'm afraid - and neither should the OP return to being involved if that were to be the case.

tribpot · 28/04/2015 20:19

He hasn't promised to pay it back. He said he's planning on putting it back (and he hasn't done so).

This wasn't a one-off, the OP has evidence he's been skimming small amounts out of her account for months.

She has evidence that he has not paid bills after she has paid him her share.

He has shown no remorse.

He is a regular gambler. What would make a regular gambler raid his DP's credit card, if not because he was maxed out? It wasn't a mistake, he admitted to doing it on purpose (to be accurate he laughed when he said it).

In short, he has repeatedly stolen from her.

msrisotto · 28/04/2015 20:40

I too am shocked at his awful reaction. It would be the last nail in the coffin for me - the theft/fraud being the majority of course, and the lack of remorse just sad confirmation that he doesn't even think it was wrong. How can you even work with that? And he doesn't sound as if he has got on his knees and begged you not to go either... I don't think you're going to see that money again OP and I honestly think you should shop him to the CC company and the police. Sad times, but rock bottom is where he needs to be.

Original poster
honeysuckleclimber · 28/04/2015 20:44

Yes, I have the cat and Im so pleased I do.
Grin cat probably isn't as pleased. He's hiding upstairs but seems fine. My mums very supportive luckily. She's happy to have me as long as I want, cat and all, bless her.

Still no sign of the repayment. He won't commit to a day, it's just 'soon'. I really hope I do get it back but until I have the cold hard cash, I'll not be holding out too much hope right now Angry Oh and he didn't even seem the slightest bit concerned when I walked out with my bags.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 28/04/2015 20:48

I'm so glad you got puss out too.

Get your things out, then register the crime. After that you can start getting your money back.

It's fraud isn't it? Or obtaining money by deception Confused

AdoraBell · 28/04/2015 20:53

He's deep in denial so possibly thinks you'll be back soon. He believes it's not a big deal so you'll obviously come to your senses soon enough, he doesn't need to worry. In fact, your mum is probably, right this minute, telling you what a great catch he is and how you'd be silly to through it all away over a little misunderstanding.

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, you're doing fanstaically well and you will continue to do so. And 28 really isn't an issue. Well done taking the cat too.

magoria · 28/04/2015 20:56

Did you cancel any automatic payments to his account for the bills?

AdoraBell · 28/04/2015 20:57

throw Blush