Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gambling - £550 on MY credit card

199 replies

honeysuckleclimber · 27/04/2015 13:51

I've just logged onto my credit card and find just over £550 has been paid out to a well known gambling website. A well known gambling website that DP prefers to use. Coincidence I think not... Hmm what makes it more shocking as this has all been added on since 22nd April, and £450 of it was two days worth Shock

I am literally lost for words. I know DP likes a gamble but he'd told me he'd cut down, and I never had any idea it was at this sort of level. Ever. Stealing from my credit card?! I don't know what to do. sorry for rrambling, I am a bit blindsided Blush

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/04/2015 23:09

Oh Yes, Imperial - and sadly, the OP is not the first (and won't be the last) together, loving and trusting person to be taken in by someone in this way.

There's another thread on this board about 'sharing finances' and I have to say that while I thought of contributing, my heart wouldn't have been in it after this thread. I've always kept my finances under pretty tight and personal control and Boy have I been glad in the past that I did.

geekymommy · 27/04/2015 23:25

If he tries to tell you that something you did made him do this, or that he'd stop if you did something different, don't listen to him. It's not true, that's not how addictions work. But it is pretty common for addicts to look for someone or something else to blame.

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/04/2015 07:45

I think you'll need to get the police involved so the cc company can refund you, if he's skint and is late paying utility bills (which for two adults who work shouldn't be over £150 a month) what makes you think he has £600 to give you?.

If he had £600 could he prioritise you over a gambling site?.

There's no shame in leaving an addict.

Take the cat though.

cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 09:03

Yes indeed -take the cat! I wouldn't leave an animal with someone who could treat a person in the way he has treated you.

magoria · 28/04/2015 09:25

Informing the police may be the kick up the arse for him to realise this is a serious problem.

FreckledLeopard · 28/04/2015 09:39

Something similar happened to my cousin. Her husband, unbeknownst to her, had remortgaged the house and gambled it away. The first she knew was when he confessed he'd lost the house. They divorced.

Definitely check out what else he may have done and try and protect yourself as far as possible financially.

Original poster
honeysuckleclimber · 28/04/2015 09:49

Hi again all. Suffice to say, I did not sleep well last night which is hardly surprising so I am exhausted. Thank you again for all of your informatio, you've really put my mind at rest about the cat. Regarding the CIFAS, I'll look into this. £20 a year seems a small price to pay so it definitely seems worthwhile.

This mornings update: I have still not had an apology. He did it for me apparently, as the winnings were going to be for myself to treat myself but it didn't work out and he 'forgot' to change his settings so the money would Come back to my card. Ridiculous! I don't understand it, he doesn't need the money, it must be a combination of greed/the thrill of it.

I do feel sorry for him though. He's an intelligent, loving, caring person. He just can't see what hes doing and thats really sad. Unfortunately I know he can't be helped until he's prepared to help himself. I'm off to my mums for a while, to give us both space. He needs to realise what he's lost and what matters to him most. Probably the gambling but who knows. If and when he wants to talk honestly (after he's paid me back of course), I will be available to him and I'll try to help him if he wants it but as for us as a couple, I don't think I could trust him again unless I was checking banks daily, and I'm not sure I'm up for that so who knows, space ought to help.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 10:32

honeysuckle

Well done. As you said, the biggest issue here is one of trust - and imagine if you had discovered that this had happened when you had had a baby, were possibly no longer working outside the home, and had all of that additional responsibility. It doesn't bear thinking about.

Watch out for the pity though - that can be the very devil in prolonging relationships where people ought to walk. He may well be intelligent, loving and caring but he's also an addict who has some deep issues which you aren't responsible for and can't cure.

You're better off making a fresh start. Good luck to you.

cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 10:34

PS - Sorry

He may well seem to be intelligent, loving and caring but I can't see anyone who is genuinely loving and caring doing what he has done.

tribpot · 28/04/2015 10:39

He did it for me apparently, as the winnings were going to be for myself to treat myself

That has got to be the lamest excuse I have ever heard. He stole your money to place a bet and IF it had paid out (which it clearly didn't) he would have given you the proceeds? Proceeds of stealing?? Some fucking treat!

No need to feel sorry for him; he is choosing to do this. You're doing the right thing to put some distance between you. I would consider reporting him for theft - this would actually be a kindness in the circumstances.

Hidingmyidentity · 28/04/2015 10:45

You know the story about "forgetting to change the settings so that the money would come back to your card" is a lie?

As for "he did it for you", that is an even bigger lie but I am sure you know that already.

Flowers for you.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/04/2015 10:48

The deceit is just unreal.
He really doesn't get it because he doesn't want to admit to a huge problem.
I hope you get some space and support at your mums.
You can never ever trust this person.
Please don't put kids into this dysfunctional life.

mysticpizza · 28/04/2015 10:58

And again with the manipulation. He is lying even to himself. Any winnings would have kept him in action until they too were gone. A problem gambler cannot win because he/she cannot stop.

You are doing the right thing. He may just start to see what he's doing to himself when you go. It is possible to find a way through this if and when he opens himself to change but as you suspect one of the things you would have to do is look after the finances long term and on an extremely regular basis.

A problem gambler who gives up can live an entirely normal life. Many do (although they will very likely need the ongoing support of a group like GA to do it as it's incredibly hard to do it alone) The only thing they have to do is not bet but to achieve that they have to get to the point of wanting that normal life more than they want the next bet and keep on wanting it. Your DP sounds a long way from that point. The only thing you can do is protect yourself financially and emotionally as you are doing.

cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 11:03

...I'm off to my mums for a while, to give us both space...

And be most careful with that way of thinking. He may well come back to you - if he doesn't find a new support in the immediate future - bearing tales of eg his reformed nature and the counselling he's going to get. ('It's because I love you so much Darling and that is helping to give me the strength to change. I can only do it with your help though.....' I refrain from adding 'Yadda Yadda' only because it can be genuinely heartrending the first time you hear it. (Not so much on the subsequent occasions of course.)

Original poster
honeysuckleclimber · 28/04/2015 11:40

Oh yes, I have no doubt that it is a lie. He hasn't given me an honest answer since this all came to light yesterday.

Realistically, I want children and if I do, I have to think how I want my life to be with them. This isn't it. Also, his dad gambles too. He's always lead me to believe his dad has it far worse than him. So god knows whether that's true or not, or how bad he is. Not my problem I'm afraid But based on that I'd worry that his behaviour could be seen as normal for his child, and so the chain would continue. Im really so lucky to have found out before children were involved.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 11:49

You are indeed. It will all feel pretty shitty right now but how much worse could it have been later?

Well done anyway for managing to look at this so straight.

ImperialBlether · 28/04/2015 12:06

Yes, imagine your child saving up in a piggybank and finding it raided. Imagine putting your child's lunch money in a cupboard, to find it gone. And imagine people giving your child money in a card for birthdays and your child finding it gone from the envelope.

Ugh - he's reached a stage where the only person who can help him is himself. Unfortunately by laughing in your face he's showing you (literally) that he has no intention of changing.

AdoraBell · 28/04/2015 12:14

So in his family this is a normal way to behave. And yes, if you had DCs together that would trickle down to your DCs.

Keep in mind the fact this is not your problem, as you said, because at this stage you can simply walk away so don't let him drag you in with the guilt trips and hope of him getting help. For him it's probably easy to promise he'll get help and change, much harder to actually do it because deep down he doesn't think he needs to.

Familyguy222 · 28/04/2015 12:33

Well unless you partner is a really horrid guy I can almost assure you that he feels 10 times worse about this than you do.

Gambling can be like a drug and lost in this haze he has made a massive mistake.

This does not excuse his behavior and the fact he did not immediately admit to this is a truly bad sign.

However if you love him enough perhaps you could tell him this is in no means acceptable and if were to do something like this in a future it would be the end. I think at this stage you could give him an ultimatum you or gambling and see if he sticks to it.

oddfodd · 28/04/2015 12:37

Oh do shut up Familyguy. Yes, he feels really bad about stealing at least £600 from his partner. That's why he laughed in her face about it when she confronted him Hmm

cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 12:44

Familyguy

This wasn't a one-off massive mistake ending in the OP's partner trying to sort it out and failing, though. (Many people might just take a different view of that in real life.) This was a continued deception/theft over many months - which culminated in him laughing in the OP's face when she found him out.

The two are very different I think.

Clutterbugsmum · 28/04/2015 12:47

He stole from your credit card/bank for one reason only. And that is because he had no other access to the money he needed for his fix.

I'm betting if you were to do a credit check on him he will have credit cards/loans which you no nothing about and that's why he has very little money from his wages as it's all going on servicing his debt.

I would check your bank and credit cards over the next month or so just to make sure no other payments are going through.

ImperialBlether · 28/04/2015 12:50

Familyguy

There are over 10 incidents of him taking £5 from her current account. One each occasion he clearly didn't have £5 in his own account - given he's been keeping his gambling secret he would have used his own account first if he could.

So on 10 occasions at least he's been so broke he can't afford £5 but at the same time has thought he'd use the OP's account because she wouldn't notice a small amount going out.

Now he's upped the ante and used her credit card, presumably thinking that it'll be a while before the statement comes through. He's spent £550 plus charges as it counts as taking cash out.

When challenged, he laughed in her face.

Which of the above makes you want to take the soft approach and why do you think that will work? And why in god's name is he supposed to be feeling worse than her about this?

And what boundaries do you have, yourself, that you feel the OP should be sorry for him?

Original poster
honeysuckleclimber · 28/04/2015 12:52

Familyguy - He may well feel bad. I hope he does but how can I stick by someone when he refuses to be honest with me. He still won't give me a straight answer to anything, which given the circumstances I think is the least he could do. What am I supposed to do, stick by him and be reduced to rifling through his bank statements when his backs turned and keeping my purse under lock and key, just in case he's still being dishonest and sneaking around gambling behind my back. Of course, that is if he would even agree to stop at all, which up to now he hasn't. I'm sure some people do live like that, but it's just not for me. How much I love him or not has to be pushed to the back of my mind right now and I'm thinking of my long term future.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/04/2015 12:53

OP, don't forget that he doesn't need the physical card in order to place a bet if he knows the account number and the code on the back.