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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gambling - £550 on MY credit card

199 replies

honeysuckleclimber · 27/04/2015 13:51

I've just logged onto my credit card and find just over £550 has been paid out to a well known gambling website. A well known gambling website that DP prefers to use. Coincidence I think not... Hmm what makes it more shocking as this has all been added on since 22nd April, and £450 of it was two days worth Shock

I am literally lost for words. I know DP likes a gamble but he'd told me he'd cut down, and I never had any idea it was at this sort of level. Ever. Stealing from my credit card?! I don't know what to do. sorry for rrambling, I am a bit blindsided Blush

OP posts:
BettyCatKitten · 27/04/2015 20:46

I used to work in betting shop, gambling addiction is much more prevalent than people realise. It is also very difficult to overcome.
Most gamblers never admit their addiction, many have ruined lives and relationships because of it.
It's just as well you have discovered it now. I think many would advise you leave him, me included.

cozietoesie · 27/04/2015 20:46

Just tell people it 'didn't work out' and if they press - which a good friend wouldn't do if you'd fixed them with a gimlet eye - then just say 'I'd rather not talk about it' and brightly and obviously change the subject. You may well be the talk of the steamie for a month or two but people are surprisingly more incurious than you probably fear.

HootyMcTooty · 27/04/2015 20:51

If people ask what happened you simply tell them he stole from you. You don't need a good reason to end a relationship, other than not being happy, but he has given you a very good reason to walk away if you want to.

I know someone whose DP gambled away everything they had. First she knew was when he'd remortgaged the house and gambled it away. She lost everything.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/04/2015 20:52

What he did was wrong, but his reaction was far more wrong.

Please don't feel embarrassed. You didn't steal anything, and up until now you haven't had any particular reason to suspect he was such a heavy gambler. Like the song says, hindsight's 20-20. If you're worried about telling people then either you're worried about the wrong thing or you're telling the wrong sort of people.

mysticpizza · 27/04/2015 20:55

You do have a right to know but he is deep in denial and you will be lied to, manipulated and deceived until he's ready to stop for himself. He's very, very likely to have maxed every other source of cash he can get his hands on but he's convinced that big win is just round the corner which is why he's dipping into your funds and thinks it's OK. At the moment you're his safety net. He doesn't have to worry about consequences of what he's doing because he knows you will cover the shortfall.

As he's not ready to give up or even admit he might have a problem you need to protect yourself as a priority. Make sure he can't access your savings or accounts, close any joint accounts (if he hasn't maxed them already) and don't take on any debt to bail him out.

Check your credit report too. It's not unknown for a desperate gambler to take out credit agreements in a partner's name.

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2015 21:05

I think he's deliberately chosen your credit card, thinking it'd be a while before you noticed.

Let's face it, though, he would have used his own money first, wouldn't he?

And what's wrong with being honest with people?

"Why have you two split up?"
"He used my credit card to gamble - when I asked why he'd done it, he laughed."

You won't get many people thinking you should have stayed with him - those that would think so would be those people who behave very badly themselves.

geekymommy · 27/04/2015 21:08

How are you a fool? He has a problem and lied to you to cover it up. You probably don't have much experience with people with gambling addictions. Most of us don't, nothing wrong with that.

You don't owe anyone an explanation of why you're leaving him. It's not their business. But if you do tell people, you might be surprised at how sympathetic they will be. Obviously if you think somebody is going to be judgy, don't tell them.

I'll tell you a secret about the judgy people, though- they tell themselves that you must have done something wrong for this to happen to you so that they don't have to face the fact that something like this could happen to them. They don't want to think about that possibility, so they look for something you did wrong, even something trivial, that they would never do, so they can tell themselves it can't happen to them. This is the same kind of thinking that is behind why people blame rape victims for wearing too-revealing clothes. It's called the just world fallacy.

zipzap · 27/04/2015 21:13

Another vote for checking your credit report - and his too if you can - I can't remember if you can order them for other people living in the same property. Or tell him that you're ordering yours and you want to see his too...

Has he given any indication as to when he was planning on paying you back - and was he intending on paying you any interest that you're incurring?

Inertia · 27/04/2015 21:17

"Why did you two spilt up?"

"He stole a lot of money from me by using my card fraudulently to feed his gambling addiction."

" Thank goodness you found out about and dumped him".

You'd be a fool to stay, you'd be a fool not to start looking for new accommodation, you'd be a fool not to immediately separate all finances, and you'd be a fool to avoid reporting the fraud to the police.

You will never, ever mean more to him than gambling. You can never have a trusting relationship with him. He thinks it's hilarious to see you (and potentially, your children) go without to feed his addiction.

Original poster
honeysuckleclimber · 27/04/2015 21:22

You're all right

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 27/04/2015 21:26

Did your card issuer agree to investigate the illegal use?

Honestly I would report this to 101 as fraud. He's stolen from you and then laughed in your face. This cunt needs a swift whack from the reality mallet Angry

Original poster
honeysuckleclimber · 27/04/2015 21:30

Oh stupid phone. You're all right I know. I don't actually know why I feel embarrassed. Maybe I'm embarrassed for him. Maybe its just the fact I've had money taken from me by the person I planned to spend my life with.

He's gave no indication of time frame for repayment. He's waiting for some money to clear. I expect he's waiting for a bet to come in (or hoping it will come in).

Accommodation wise, I can to to my mums temporarily. It's not ideal but it's a stop gap. She's only 20 minutes away. I'll have to tell her about this tomorrow. The cats a problem. My mum has dogs so he can't come too. Hopefully DP will be decent enough to care for him until something more permanent turns up. I'll have to go as soon as I can. I cant let myself stay and risk persuading myself that it was a one off or him talking me round (when he stops laughing). I know deep down it won't be a one off and I suspect his laughter is him trying to cover the fact that his huge problem has been uncovered.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/04/2015 21:31

I think the best way to respond is by extreme anger - kick him out and call the police. If he has to reach his rock bottom before dealing with his addiction, then you would be helping him.

You need to take swift action, OP.

lunalelle · 27/04/2015 21:32

I don't have any good advice to add to other people's, but I just want to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you :(

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2015 21:33

He has to make light of it, because otherwise he'd have to accept the enormity of what he's done.

If you're going to go to your mum's, then don't give him warning. Just go. He needs a massive shock.

Do you share bills or mortgage or anything else with him?

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/04/2015 21:36

What kind of dogs? The cat can adjust if it's temporary.

magoria · 27/04/2015 21:40

Cancel any payments due to go into his account month end/beginning.

He owes you £550 + interest etc.

Make sure you don't give him any more. Especially as you are leaving the property.

Charlesroi · 27/04/2015 21:49

If it's only going to be a temporary stay at your mums then just take the cat. He'll survive in your bedroom for a month or several.
I'd get in touch with the gambling site and explain what happened and that they are not to take any more money from your card. I'm not sure cancelling it is enough.

You must be devastated Flowers

geekymommy · 27/04/2015 21:55

About 90% of people who are treated for gambling addiction relapse within one year. For those who get only outpatient care, it's more like 98%. That's among people who acknowledge that they have a problem and try to get help (which your 'D'P has not, at least not from what you've said- "trying to cut down" doesn't count). The average debt that they accumulate is between $40,000 and $70,000 (26,000 to 46,000 pounds). You should know these things when you're deciding if you want to leave him or not.

What scares me is that he doesn't acknowledge that he did anything wrong. If he really thinks he didn't do anything wrong, or really doesn't understand why you would be upset, either he has so much debt that 550 pounds seems like nothing to him, or he's got problems that run way deeper than a gambling addiction. You haven't seen any other signs that he might lack empathy, have you?

cozietoesie · 27/04/2015 21:55

I'm unsure whether you can get an immediate credit report (eg through Noddle which is free) with a cancelled credit card as you may need a card of some sort to use for at least verfication purposes. Just unsure - but maybe someone else knows.

I rather like the idea of asking him to show you his, though. He can sign up online tonight if he's minded to (it takes about 10 minutes to do) and show you his records when he does so. (I guess you've already made your decision on leaving though - and quite right too.)

cozietoesie · 27/04/2015 21:59

PS - you can also sign up for Experian online on a month's free trial. I'm just a little wary of them as I still bear the mental scars of trying to cancel the 'free trial' membership before I had to start paying money. That was the hardest phone sell I ever had to face and I'm even one of those rare people who managed to get a free 'Which Guide' on something without being signed up to Which itself so by no means a pushover.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/04/2015 21:59

Why do you have to move out? Whose house is it?
I'm really sorry about this but you absolutely can't marry or have children with a gambling addict.

Original poster
honeysuckleclimber · 27/04/2015 21:59

imperial I can't kick him out, I live in his house. Fortunately everything is In his name and I just send my contribution monthly so apart from the credit card balance and the £50 odd that's gone out of my bank via debit card over the past couple of months in increments of £5 or less Shock financially I have no further issues.

fluffy She has a golden retriever and a boxer but I'll work something out one way or another.

Thank you all for your honest comments. You really have helped keep me sane and clear headed today!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/04/2015 22:02

It's really good news that everything is in his name.

What do you mean about the £50 that's gone out in £5 increments?

sadwidow28 · 27/04/2015 22:05

So sorry to hear that he has done this to you. You must not feel embarrassed at all. Be honest with family and RL friends - they will absolutely understand that what he did is unforgivable and his following reaction indicates that he has no morals.

Take the cat with you and put a litter tray in your bedroom (feeding place on another side of the room). I had to do this with 2 cats when I escaped a violent bully I got into a relationship with after my DH died. The animals sorted it out for themselves over a couple of weeks - cats coming down a few stairs at a time (so they could run back to the bedroom if the dog showed up in the hallway) until they finally entered the lounge with caution. Eventually, they lived in great harmony together. Just be careful - but it can be done.

I wouldn't trust a gambling addict to prioritise cat food over his addiction.

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