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Relationships

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Original poster

What rights do I have as a sexual partner?

156 replies

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 16:42

Hi all

I'm a man who has recently entered a relationship after a very long hiatus of being single.

My partner is in many ways perfect - intelligent, thoughtful and kind. However, I am not and never have been an overly sexual person. Very often, due to depression and chronic headaches, I have virtually no interest in sex. Also I sometimes find sexual advances a violation of my boundaries and become anxious as a result.

At first our relationship was Platonic but then we had sex once and are now very much a couple. Although I have consented to sex a few times on future occasions I have mostly declined it, just because I'm so tired and would rather go to sleep. Although she has been very understanding and has respected my wishes, I could tell she was hurt.

In short, I worry on the one hand that I am being selfish by not meeting my partner's needs. On the other hand I don't want to totally surrender ownership of my body and feel I am just doing what someone else wants me to do. I always struggle with this in relationships in fact.

Does anyone else have this problem and how do you strike a balance/compromise?

OP posts:

ouryve · 25/04/2015 16:44

Everyone has a right to not have sex when they don't want sex.

Original poster

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 16:46

Thanks ouryve. That's what I thought. I totally agree.

OP posts:

minkGrundy · 25/04/2015 16:46

You have the absolute right not to have sex if you don't want sex.

However, your partner also has the right to decide that she might not want to be in a lt rs with someone who rarely wants sex.

You should talk about it. Tell her what your boundaries are and also tell her that you lavk of desire for sex is not about rejecting her, it is about your own personal boundaries.

sakura · 25/04/2015 16:46

I didn't have to click this to know it was a man!

Women know we have to have the right to say no because otherwise we will suffer unwanted pregnancies. Pregnancy, miscarriage and abortion are all potentially dangerous and each pose dangers to our health. Pregnancy can result in death. Even miscarriage can cause hemorradging which if not treated properly can lead to death.

So for women, we are trying all the time to avoid death. We take contraception if possible, or we hope that when we say "no" we are listened to and respected.

Surrendering ownership of your body is a phrase that effectively can only translate as "unwanted pregnancy as a result of not being able to say no, failed contraception, or not being listened to when you say no".
I don't like the concept of a man appropriating this term for himself.

Men don't need the "right" to say no. They just say it. No consequences. Your partner might leave but that's not the end of the world, eh? Just let her go and find someone she's more compatible with. Tell her your not happy in the relationship etc.

textfan · 25/04/2015 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsUnderwood · 25/04/2015 16:47

I think it might be worth talking to her about your boundaries so she knows it's not personal and so she knows not to violate them. You have the absolute right to decline sex.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 25/04/2015 16:48

As ouryve says. Equally sexual compatability is a pretty important aspect a relationship, to most people, it sounds like you have a much lower sex drive than your partner, it might just be that you're better suited as platonic friends.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 25/04/2015 16:48

You have a right to your own boundaries, your partner has the right to walk away from the relationship if it isn't meeting their needs. You may have to accept that you are not sexually compatible and you may need to look f or a partner for whom sex is not as important a factor in the relationship. The most important thing is honesty and being upfront about your feelings surrounding sex.

minkGrundy · 25/04/2015 16:48

sakura a person. Gender is not really relevant. A man can say no but it does not stop them feeling pressurised.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/04/2015 16:49

Well doing what someone else wants to do, in all areas of life, is part of caring and compromise imho. I wonder why you feel so tired that you would rather sleep than have sex though? Have you been checked by your GP? As this could be due to thyroid problems which also affect your hormones, or it could be a low testosterone issue. I think it is worth a health MOT.
The thing I found most odd was that you find sexual advances a violation. That is rather an unusual sentiment from someone in a loving relationship, and might be worth thinking of counselling for, as I imagine that any partner of yours would be terribly hurt by that, and that it could be the kiss of death on a relationship if she can't be affectionate towards you without you feeling violated, and you won't be affectionate towards her in case she wants sex as you are too tired etc.
No one is always in the mood for sex, and it is of course perfectly reasonable to say no , but if that is all the time, or only ever on your terms, then that isn't really an equal adult sexual relationship at all is it?

Original poster

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 16:51

Hi sakura

I completely agree with you that women are beset by real dangers that men are not: unwanted preganancy, abortion, rape. Those dangers cannot be underestimated and they are not dangers faced by men, on the whole.

However, I disagree with you about about anyone having rights to another person's body.

Nobody, male or female has a right to another person's body. Their body is their body, not anybody else's body.

OP posts:

Guyropes · 25/04/2015 16:52

I think it's a strange question to ask, frankly. Your rights within a relationship are what you negotiate them to be... They are not engraved in marble... You need to talk to your sexual partner in more depth about what your relationship means. Discuss each others feelings about sex and intimacy. Then you will know what is right for you and for her.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 25/04/2015 16:56

I'd give the exact same advice to a woman who posted the same scenario.

Original poster

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 16:58

I suppose I just there are lots of times when I really don't want to have sex. It's not that I don't love or care about my my partner, it's just that I might be tired, depressed and in pain. When I feel like that I don't want to have sex.

There's a possibility I've got ME which I'm being checked out for at the moment. In fact one of my symptoms is erectile dysfunction.

The headaches are unbelievable - like my head is going to explode and sometimes I vomit. I know it's nothing serious because I've had them for years.

OP posts:

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 25/04/2015 17:00

I don't really understand

No-one has a right to have sex with someone else. If you don't want to have sex then don't have sex.

You should be honest with your partner about your sex drive etc, the things you say in your first post. Maybe you will be able to find some way to work things out, maybe you won't. However you do need to discuss it and understand that the answer may be that you split up.

This is a very common situation, and the answer is always the same TBH. Talk about it and take it from there.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 25/04/2015 17:02

If your partner is making you feel uncomfortable by making sexual advances then you need to tell her that, and talk to her about what options you have.

If you basically don't want to have sex at all ever for the foreseeable future then she should know that, you need to talk about all this.

PurpleSwift · 25/04/2015 17:03

Neither of you are being unreasonable. You are perfectly entitled to say no, just as she is perfectly entitled to feel hurt by the rejection. You need to talk about this and be honest about where you see your sex lifeong term

HappinessHappening · 25/04/2015 17:04

No one should ever be having sex that they don't want

But if you have a low sex drive and you know that it is not a short term thing it's only fair to let your sexual partner know that so they can decide if that's something they are happy to live with

Original poster

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 17:06

Hi WhirlpoolGalaxyM51

Yes, I think I do have to talk about -it's not fun.

And sakura - just read your comment again and I agree totally. I really didn't mean to compare my own situation to that of a woman who feels she can't say no. What I meant is that I am very possessive of my body and feel uncomfortable sharing it with someone else on demand.

Of course it might mean the relationship ending. It would be perfectly understandable if my partner left me. She doesn't owe me a reelationship. However, it would be better if I could work out a way of striking a balance.

OP posts:

TurnItIn · 25/04/2015 17:09

Have you discussed this lack of libido with your GP?

Have you always had a very low sex drive or is this a new thing?

Original poster

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 17:14

Always TurnItIn

And I've always suffered from sexual dysfunction and a host of mental and physical symptoms. When I was in my 20's I was almost a total invalid. I could hardly see with the headaches and would spend almost every other day in bed. Feeling a lot better now but the headaches, back pain are really bad and I can't sustain an erection - even when on my own.

I thought it might be low testosterone/diabetes or something but bloods are back ok. I like being in relationships but I just can't give someone what they want when they want it.

I'm just not up to it. I am soo tired. I can't think straight and find it hard to function. Plus I do a demanding job and am struggling with a Master's Degree.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 25/04/2015 17:16

No one has the right to sex with a partner.

But I think you should be honest with her and tell her that you don't want sex again, ever. Then she can choose if she wants to be with you or not.

Cutleryhands · 25/04/2015 17:19

Making me smile this one.
Men dont need the right to say no........
Women are trying all the time to avoid death......
By george, some nuggets there !

Branleuse · 25/04/2015 17:19

would you say you were asexual?

I think if your partner is already feeling hurt by rejection you would be kinder to end the relationship to be just friends. To go intp a relationship when you have so little interest in sex, unless you have made this abundantly clear right from the start is cruel

Original poster

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 17:22

Branleuse, maybe you are right. I really like her though. I thought maybe I could manage to sustain a sexual relationship somehow but I don't think I can. Just kidded myself really I think.

It's going to hurt.

OP posts:

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