What rights do I have as a sexual partner?

[JoeP79]

Hi all

I'm a man who has recently entered a relationship after a very long hiatus of being single.

My partner is in many ways perfect - intelligent, thoughtful and kind. However, I am not and never have been an overly sexual person. Very often, due to depression and chronic headaches, I have virtually no interest in sex. Also I sometimes find sexual advances a violation of my boundaries and become anxious as a result.

At first our relationship was Platonic but then we had sex once and are now very much a couple. Although I have consented to sex a few times on future occasions I have mostly declined it, just because I'm so tired and would rather go to sleep. Although she has been very understanding and has respected my wishes, I could tell she was hurt.

In short, I worry on the one hand that I am being selfish by not meeting my partner's needs. On the other hand I don't want to totally surrender ownership of my body and feel I am just doing what someone else wants me to do. I always struggle with this in relationships in fact.

Does anyone else have this problem and how do you strike a balance/compromise?

I've been thinking more about this thread and the bad taste it left in my mouth about men wondering about their rights in a sexual relationship as if that was in any way comparable to women being terrified of an unwanted pregnancy.

I mean, as a man, if your spouse wants sex and you don't then you just don't do it. There is no coercion that's going to end up with you on a hospital bed somehow.

But then I started realizing "Omfg, I think this guy wants us to tell him that he has the "right" to withhold sex/affection whatever and that the woman is in the wrong and that she should be forced to stay in the relationship regardless of her wishes, or guilt tripped into staying or whatever.

If you don't want sex with your partner and she does want sex with you, then surely your relationship is stronger than this, no? You just deal with the fact you have different sex drices.
If it's not stronger than this, and she still wants more sex than you, then she needs to leave and find someone else, right?

What I'm not going to do is say that a woman should remain in a relationship she is miserable in because her partner is claiming his "right not to have sex"

Oh for gods sake Sakura.

Not everything has to be compared to the plight of women.

Men are able to have problems of their own.

Maybe take your agenda elsewhere.

are you alright sakura? you seem even more unstable/incoherent on this thread then you usually do..you perhaps need a break from mn in the nicest possible way.

Hi Sakura

I more or less agree with you. And I think my using the word 'rights' was wrong.

In fact I have no complaint regarding my partner at all. She has been very understanding and respectful and has in no way pressured me unduly, but she is understandably hurt. As you say, the kindest thing to do might be to simply end the relationship - which is my choice.

However, I suppose what I meant is that I find it difficult to define my own boundaries in a sexual relationship - that is, to know to what degree it is acceptable in a relationship to decline sex. My quandary is that whenever I say no I feel guilty and that when I say yes I sometimes feel resentful - even though I know that my partner wants to be close to me - which just makes me feel bad for being resentful, and so on!

To be more clear, how do I balance my own choices with the needs of another?

This is all a problem for me in that it makes me anxious and confused. I want a relationship and some intimacy but also want to have a healthy sense of self and sexual autonomy. I don't want to resign myself to these two things being incompatible so sought some advice.

I in no way meant to compare my situation to that of a women who is under a real physical threat from a man and for whom saying 'no' might mean rape or violence.

I apologize if this is what came across.

Hi OP just read the thread. Sakura is talking crap. Men and women have equal rights in a relationship not to have sex. The fact that women can get pregnant or raped, is not relevant. Comparable numbers of boys and girls are abused as children, and 15% of rape victims are male.

There are quite a number of women who come on here asking the same question: 'do I have the right not to have sex when I don't want to'.

It's a terrible shame that anyone would have to ask, but of course you do, furthermore you're not alone in phrasing the problem in that way.

I understand how difficult it must be in your relationship, and I hope that you and your partner can find a way to be open and honest with each other and come to some agreement as to how to go forward, whether together or apart.

sakura You are either reading the wrong thread, or not reading it properly!

I have had lots of sex & it has only ended up with me being on a hospital bed twice, because of pregnancies.

Three times if you include my tubal ligation, but that wasn't a direct result of having sex.

I don't think it is fair to say that women worry about unwanted pregnancy every time they have sex, at all!

What I'm not going to do is say that a woman should remain in a relationship she is miserable in because her partner is claiming his "right not to have sex"

And op is not asking you, or anyone else to reassure him that his partner needs to put up & shut up with whatever he decides to do, you have decided to read that in his posts...which is rather irrational.

I in no way meant to compare my situation to that of a women who is under a real physical threat from a man and for whom saying 'no' might mean rape or violence. I apologize if this is what came across.

It didn't come across like that at all, you only have to read the other posts to see that someone has their own agenda!

As you say, the kindest thing to do might be to simply end the relationship - which is my choice.

Almost everyone here has advised that you talk to her, tell her than you only want sexual contact on your terms which you expect to be extremely rarely and possibly not at all. Let her decide. If she agrees then you have no problem, in fact you will have exactly what you are looking for.

All this delay and continuing to ask the same questions is pointless. You have your answers, OP but I suspect you don't want to act on them because you think you will lose your partner.

Btw, I asked how long you have been together?

To be more clear, how do I balance my own choices with the needs of another?

We are clear about what you are asking, are you clear about what you need to do?

Just in case you're not - You need to talk to her. Stop putting it off, do it today and be honest with her.

Come back and tell us how it went. Then we can advise you further.

Most women saying no, will not end up raped. Obviously its a real risk for an unacceptable amount but no matter what your gender, if you dont want to have sex, you dont have to from a legal and moral perspective.

However, if the very idea of having sexual contact with another person causes massive physical, mental and emotional problems for someone, and it has always been so, and unlikely to be any different in the near future, then you are just not ready to be in any kind of exclusive relationship with someone who has sexual and intimate needs. Why would you even? Its a basic intimacy and trust in someone else that youre not able to give or recieve, no matter how much you romantically like someone.

I would, if i were you, look on some forums for asexuals or people who also have a need to not have sex, or concentrate on close friendships with people you love.

Fairenuff: Will talk to her later. We have talked already but I need to talk some more. We've only been together for three months now.

Brnleuse: Thanks for the advice. I've often wondered if I am indeed asexual. It's a bit of strange because I do sometimes feel aroused, which I usually deal with my masturbating. I'm not sure if that makes me asexual or not.

It's a weird one asexuality. I suppose I do recoil from sex, but not precisely because I don't want it but more because I'm afraid of it and my body just doesn't work. I can't even get a sustainable erection after taking a high dose of meds sometimes, even though I'm still a young man. I was convinced there was something physically wrong wrong with me because I have terrible back problems and wondered if it was because of nerve damage. But the doc did a battery of tests and said that if it was a nerve issue then I'd be losing control of my bladder and bowels and all sorts of stuff as well. I only just about manage to make my body do all the other stuff it's supposed to do.

I just can't function sexually - emotionally and physically. Socializing and conversation is fine. In fact, I love talking to people by anything else feels really scary.

So it's this terrible conflict between kinda wanting sex and kinda hating it and not being able to deal with it. Sounds a bit contradictory I know.

Does anyone understand what I mean?

3 months? I had an idea this was going to be quite a new relationship but 3 months is nothing at all.

I think this changes things somewhat OP. You need to end the relationship and get yourself some counselling. You are just not ready to be in an exclusive sexual relationship.

We can't give you the answers you are looking for, you need professional advice.

OP

I am wondering whether you had any sexual attraction or contact with men

I agree with Fairenuff.

And if you do decide that sexual relationships aren't for you - that's fine too. Society puts sex as the be-all and end-all but plenty of people aren't really fussed / don't want it at all. Even if you aren't "officially" asexual but the thought of sex makes you anxious and trying to do it engenders all these really distressing feelings about your body - then it's probably best just to leave it? At least for now, get more help with your medical issues, there are lots of effective drugs for anxiety for example considering that might help - just take sex off the table for now and see about getting yourself in a better place and maybe later on you will want to have sex & be comfortable with it and maybe you won't, but that's quite a way off yet. You need to try and improve your health in other areas first really.

And I do understand what you mean, but your desire for sex but your almost phobic feelings towards it do suggest to me and others that professional help to understand the fear would be in order

Hi Yarp

Once, and it did nothing for me I'm afraid.

sakura

no one else reads it that way, and unfortunately you are making the OP believe it comes over that way.

As someone up thread said, men are entilte to have their own problems

Another thing to consider OP Is your partner on hormonal contraception? Because i wouldnt want to be taking a Pill every day or have a LARC inserted (Long Term Reversible Contraceptive) like an implant coil or injection for a partner who never wanted sex with me or who only wanted it once every few months if that. These medications can cause a lot of changes in a womans body.

In fact there was a thread in AIBU a couple of months ago posted by a young woman (29) who had a pulmonary embolism while on Zelleta The same Mini Pill i was on.

So it would be unfair if she is taking a risk like this for nothing.

Not having a go btw. I just thought this may not have occured to you.

No she's not on hormonal contraception. Good point though - and no offense taken.

And also we do occasionally have sex - and sometimes it's kind of ok for me. But usually I feel kind of uncomfortable, or it just really doesn't work.

It's only very recently I've started making excuses or saying no.

Joe,

This is a bizarre thread. Talk to your girlfriend, see how she feels. She may be fine with it, she may not. You are clearly not asexual if you get aroused and masturbate. You feel unwell a lot of the time and seriously tired. Give yourself a break.

You are not doing anything unfair or unreasonable. It is EARLY days. She can see what she makes of you (in every respect) and vice versa. It would be really odd to end a relationship because you think that she might become unhappy in the future. This should be the honeymoon period. Both of you can end the relationship at any time. If she is still seeing you, she clearly likes you.

I cannot imagine anyone advising a woman with a low (non zero) sex drive to be fair on a partner by flagging it early and either ending the relationship or being apologetic about it.

larry the guy in your little scenario wouldnt be having to take contraception though would he?

OP i think you sound like a nice bloke who doesnt want to see your partner hurting . Good luck with your chat.

Helena,

The woman in this scenario has 100% control over her contraceptives. You have no idea what contraceptive she is or is not using or what her choice would be if OP only wanted occasional sex. That is up to her. She is autonomous and (I assume) not stupid.

At three months into a relationship, this is an individual decision, not a partnership one.

"I cannot imagine anyone advising a woman with a low (non zero) sex drive to be fair on a partner by flagging it early and either ending the relationship or being apologetic about it"

larry you were talking generally when you wrote the above post. As was i when i replied to you. But i didnt realise you were the only one who is allowed to

If you are tired at night, try having sex when you wake up in the morning. It works for us

Joe I have chronic headaches... Cluster headaches. Have google and look at ouchuk. I also have ME. Please pm me if you have ch and need some help or advice. On the having sex front I would say that your partner needs to fully understand as best they can how you feel and be reassured that it's not because you don't care or fancy them. However if they can't cope with it perhaps you both need to re assess