What rights do I have as a sexual partner?

[JoeP79]

Hi all

I'm a man who has recently entered a relationship after a very long hiatus of being single.

My partner is in many ways perfect - intelligent, thoughtful and kind. However, I am not and never have been an overly sexual person. Very often, due to depression and chronic headaches, I have virtually no interest in sex. Also I sometimes find sexual advances a violation of my boundaries and become anxious as a result.

At first our relationship was Platonic but then we had sex once and are now very much a couple. Although I have consented to sex a few times on future occasions I have mostly declined it, just because I'm so tired and would rather go to sleep. Although she has been very understanding and has respected my wishes, I could tell she was hurt.

In short, I worry on the one hand that I am being selfish by not meeting my partner's needs. On the other hand I don't want to totally surrender ownership of my body and feel I am just doing what someone else wants me to do. I always struggle with this in relationships in fact.

Does anyone else have this problem and how do you strike a balance/compromise?

sakura can this man be spared your misandrist arsecrank ? he came on here for support...

Not everyone wants sex as part of a romantic relationship. And that's OK. The trick is meeting others who feel that way. There must be ways of doing that.

Because if your partner wants a relationship that includes sex and you don't then long-term one or both of you is going to be very unhappy if you stay together. Unless you find a satisfactory way around it - eg she can have sex with other people but I can't imagine many couples actually make options like that really work.

It sounds like you have a host of long-term health issues so really none of this will be a surprise to her surely? I think you need to talk to her and see what happens there, accept that maybe this relationship might not be going to work out (maybe she will say fine though, I don't know) and keep up with the doctor to see if you can get your health issues improved. If you have MHPs are you getting help for that?

I'm just really ill. I feel ill and tired all the time. And I have terrible nervous attacks.

It wouldn't be so bad if I had a diagnosis but doctor's just shrug and say it's stress. This doesn't feel like stress - it's pulverising. And it goes on year after year after year.

I am sure there are boards etc for asexual people to connect. There's bound to be.

That's a possibility for the future though, right now you need to talk to your partner honestly, and continue trying to improve your health.

Are you being medicated for the anxiety?

FujimotosElixir - thanks for your support but sakura did make a valid point. I should have phrased my comment more sensitively. What I'm dealing with is not the same as what many women have to deal with.

ive just re read the whole post ..how old are you? you sound very ill, like youve been ill so long youve just gotten resigned to it, Have you been tested for depression? it does manifest itself in physical symptoms.

sounds like your life balance needs addressing - can you cut down on hours at work? It does sound like you need to work on getting back to full health then you can see if your libido changes.

Also without wanting to sound too patronising have you tried things like yoga for energy and stress relief? Whenever I do it I feel ten million times better, have tons of energy and my anxiety really diminishes. But it sounds as though you need to cut down on your life commitments regardless of this relationship - in whatever way you can (new job that's easier/less hours?).

also I would say just be aware of how much this will hurt your GF if you don't discuss it. I was in a similar situation with a guy and it really hurt me that I felt spurned all the time (and felt sooo unattractive) - this guy wouldn't discuss with me what the issue was and the relationship ended. Turned out he had lots of other issues going on. I felt so hurt at the time.

Hope you manage to sort it out.

i don't think there was anything wrong with what you put, you didn't make this post about rape, you made it clear the emotional issues were your own, tou couldn't have been more respectful of your partner, and i say that as someone who has suffered rape, unwanted pregnancy , miscarriage etc. shes quite an aggressive poster.

As difficult as it will be to end this relationship I really think that it is the kindest and decent thing to do - and you sound like a very decent man.

Talk to her. Tell her what you've told us, she deserves to know the truth and you deserve to tell it to her and ease your mind.

Thanks for your support everyone. Really helping.

Everyone has the right to refuse sex, just as everyone has the right to end a relationship in which his/her sexual needs are not being met.

OP, have you had any counselling for depression, anxiety or other MH problems? I'm not implying that you need to be 'fixed' to the extent that you are enthusiastic about sex for a partner's benefit, more that you sound distressed in general (the tiredness and headaches with no apparent medical cause as well as the lack of libido) and being able to feel better in yourself would help you generally - either reawaken your libido or get you to a place where you feel more comfortable about saying that you don't want a sexual relationship.

Hi griselda

yes tried Yoga, acupuncture and chiropractic - all of which have helped a bit.

What it's like is that my brain and nervous system is in this heightened state all the time. The tiniest think panics me. I don't think I've ever been calm since I was a child. All these thoughts are buzzing in my head all the time like an electrical storm. I'm really tense and scared all the time but I don't know what of.

It's like something really bad is out there but I don't know what it is. I don't feel safe.

generalised anxiety disorder maybe? can sympathise completely on that! Horrible.

I use something called the Lightning Process for my severe anxiety (get Phil Parker's book - "get the life you love now" as it will give you a perspective on why this happens in terms of neuroscience - and gives you the LP method for changing the neural pathways and moving to a positive mindstate instead). This was life changing for me. I have recommended it to many people before as it had such profound effects on me and some of my friends who had CFS and anxiety issues.

Best of luck.

im sorry for you. You sound like a decent guy, but its more than sex isnt it. You wouldnt be able right now to provide a healthy relationship for another person. You need to concentrate on yourself

I agree, I think.

I sometimes wonder if I am asexual, but then I occasionally feel aroused and masturbate.

It's more accurate to say that I'm very uncomfortable with the concept of a sexual relationship. I don't always like people touching me and I don't like the sense of my body belonging to me being taken away. When I am fully clothed and owning my own space I feel empowered, strong, in control. It's like I'm a full, dignified human being with boundaries and self-ownership. It feels good. I was a virgin until quite but it wasn't something shameful for me. It made me feel strong and clean.

During sex I feel like I'm losing control of my body - that it's not mine anymore and that someone is doing things to it and I'm not in control of what's happening. It's scary. It's like it's just not my boundaries are disintegrating but my personality.

I think you are being selfish by not meeting your partner's needs. If you loved her you would want to please her in any way you could wouldn't you?

Is your gf happy with the situation? If not, there is every chance she will find somebody else. Be warned!

Well in all honesty I think you need to

Have an honest conversation with your partner
Continue seeking medical help and if your doctor is unhelpful then see another one. Medication is something to consider for the anxiety, it can be very helpful indeed

For the future, well it sounds like you don't really want to be in a sexual relationship - so don't seek one and then hope for the best. It will just make you feel awful and is not fair on your partner. Maybe you will be able to reach some understanding with your current partner I don't know, but sex isn't the be all and end all and if you don't want to have it then accept that, I guess, and proceed on that basis.

Hi ALaughAMinute

I half agree in that I perhaps I shouldn't have entered the relationship in the first place with my problems. That was perhaps selfish of me.

But I don't think someone should just do whatever their partner wants them to do to make them happy.

Certainly, if a man said that his wife or girlfriend should do anything to meet his sexual needs that would rightly be viewed as pretty dodgy!

ALaugh - I hope you're joking.

Can you imagine saying that to a woman? That she is being selfish for not wanting to have sex and that her depression and anxiety are irrelevant and she must just suck it up because otherwise it will be her fault if her partner strays? Really? REALLY?

The OP cares enough and is aware enough to have posted here, so not a selfish person.

Your post is actually ridiculous.

Joe, I think you need to have a very honest talk with your partner and tell her exactly what you have said here

at the moment it seems that you are not giving her the ability to decide if she wants a way forward with you as things stand

Hmm. I really think you should get some therapy. Really really.

Find someone COSRT registered if you want to focus on the psychosexual issues.

Good point AnyFucker.

I've been putting off the discussion. I want her to know that I love her but that perhaps I can't be the kind of partner she wants. The decision will have to be hers and whichever one she makes I'll respect, however much it hurts.

Yes, ignore Laughs post

That sounds fair enough, Joe

Don 't leave it too long, eh ?