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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What rights do I have as a sexual partner?

156 replies

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 16:42

Hi all

I'm a man who has recently entered a relationship after a very long hiatus of being single.

My partner is in many ways perfect - intelligent, thoughtful and kind. However, I am not and never have been an overly sexual person. Very often, due to depression and chronic headaches, I have virtually no interest in sex. Also I sometimes find sexual advances a violation of my boundaries and become anxious as a result.

At first our relationship was Platonic but then we had sex once and are now very much a couple. Although I have consented to sex a few times on future occasions I have mostly declined it, just because I'm so tired and would rather go to sleep. Although she has been very understanding and has respected my wishes, I could tell she was hurt.

In short, I worry on the one hand that I am being selfish by not meeting my partner's needs. On the other hand I don't want to totally surrender ownership of my body and feel I am just doing what someone else wants me to do. I always struggle with this in relationships in fact.

Does anyone else have this problem and how do you strike a balance/compromise?

OP posts:
QuintShhhhhh · 25/04/2015 18:38

I dont have anything to add about the romantic/sexual aspects of your post, BUT, have you ever been tested for Vitamin D deficiency? Google Vitamin D deficiency symptoms and see if there are any matches that strike you.

Your headaches, could they be migranes?

fairbalance · 25/04/2015 18:40

Hmmm this sounds like my partner who knows I am Mumsnetter. If it is you I really, do not honestly mind :) I still love you, loads. See you, Olaf and the troops next week. I have used certain words here in case its you. You do not have to reply to this ever.

If its not my partner some of us women do not mind, so talk her and do not stress too much.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 25/04/2015 18:41

I totally agree with sakura what your feeling is not on par with what women go through.

I think you need to go for some counciling to find out why you feel so disturbed at the thought of sexual contact. You also need to end the relasionship as its not fair on either of you

Original poster
JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 18:44

Joyfulldeathsquad

No indeed it is not on par with what women go through.

I didn't mean to suggest that and I'm sorry if that's what came across.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 25/04/2015 18:44

During sex I feel like I'm losing control of my body - that it's not mine anymore and that someone is doing things to it and I'm not in control of what's happening.

This sounds like repressed sexuality. But I'm not qualified. OP have you spoken to a professional counsellor regarding this?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 25/04/2015 18:47

Would you not consider therapy or councilling as some of the terminology you have used 'surrendering' your self (which you actually wouldn't be unless you were being raped) suggests that you have negative feelings towards intimacy in general.

Original poster
JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 18:48

I have had a bit of counselling about my depression and anxiety as well as a few sessions of sex therapy. But they didn't get to the bottom of it.

Sex has always been an existential threat to me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's partly due to the negative body image that comes from being ill. I don't know really.

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 25/04/2015 18:48

X post

Yarp · 25/04/2015 18:49

I think it's spectacularly unhelpful to make comparisons between what men and women go though. Men and women are individuals and I'm sure many women can sympathise or even empathise with your issues.

I think psychosexual therapy would be a good idea.

Yarp · 25/04/2015 18:54

sakura

You don't seem to have understood that feelings of threat can result from previous experiences e.g. sexual abuse. Your posts are very unsympathetic

Original poster
JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 18:54

Joyfulldeathsquad.

Look, I do understand that this is probably all in my head and therefore is in no way analogous to the real life, threatening situations women find themselves in all the time..but I do feel like I can't say no - or that I don't know where my boundaries lie. I feel obliged to give someone sex in a relationship. It's like a demand. I'm uncomfortable with that.

I'm not sure when it's acceptable for me to say and when not - or how many times exactly I'd have to say no before jeopardising the relationship.

In a sense, I don't really know what's normal - what the normal expectation is. Do I always have sex when a partner asks for it or I only have sex when I want to - however few times might be?

It's very confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 18:57

To be clearer - I just don't know what's right/wrong or normal/abnormal in a relationship in terms of the balance of the power. That makes relationships very confusing and scary.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 25/04/2015 19:00

Well I would say somewhere inbetween.
But on another tack- is it possible do you think, that there may have been some abuse in your childhood? Because your posts read like that. And in which case specific help for that might be life transforming.

Fairenuff · 25/04/2015 19:00

You only have sexual contact that you are happy to have OP.

There should be no 'balance of power' in a relationship.

GraysAnalogy · 25/04/2015 19:02

I think you are being selfish by not meeting your partner's needs. If you loved her you would want to please her in any way you could wouldn't you?

Would you say that to a woman?

fairbalance · 25/04/2015 19:03

Is it a demand though or is just an expression of wanting to be close to you and share things with you? Cuddling and talking does not have lead to sex. It just about being close and sharing anything and everything.

GraysAnalogy · 25/04/2015 19:03

and sakura that's the worst post I have ever had the misfortune to read on this forum. Bore off with your sexist, misandrist rubbish.

HelenaDove · 25/04/2015 19:03

Joe it is totally up to you No one has the right to coerce anyone into sex.
I agree with AnyFucker Have a talk with your partner about this soon.

I certainly wouldnt want to sleep with someone who wasnt really into it and didnt want me as much as i wanted him.

Original poster
JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 19:04

Can I just stress that I AM NOT one of these men who comes on here to undermine discussions about the sexual violence and oppression suffered by women, or to equate my plight to theirs. It's totally different, I know that.

I abhor misogyny, male sexual bullies and MRA's. They are pathetic.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 25/04/2015 19:04

OP, I really do think you'd benefit from therapy to address the issues it seems you have. But regardless of whether there's an underlying problem or not, you are not obligated to have sex with someone. You are not a sex object. Sex is not a human right. I would however be honest with your GF and tell her how you feel

Best of luck to you Flowers

fairbalance · 25/04/2015 19:06

This is no right or wrong or power balance. It just about being close and sharing things (no matter how silly or irrelevant) that is what makes a relationship grow. It is not all about sex.

Original poster
JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 19:07

I see your point fairbalance.

It's just that there are going to be times in a relationship when I'm not going to want sex and say no thanks.

OP posts:
griselda101 · 25/04/2015 19:09

i think it's fine to have a low sex drive provided you have discussed it in full with your partner then she can make a judgement based on that as to whether she wants to be in a relationship on those terms. You have to be honest about the level (or lack of) your desire to have it or she will feel rejected and hurt (and also make it clear that it's not her that is the cause of this).

Sex is very important to a lot of women and having been on the receiving end of such a relationship I can just say it hurt a lot and I was glad to get out of it particularly as my ex didn't discuss this with me.

GraysAnalogy · 25/04/2015 19:11

It's just that there are going to be times in a relationship when I'm not going to want sex and say no thanks

And that's exactly how every relationship should be. It's certainly how mine is. I have problems with my labido, very very rarely want any sex at all. Luckily my DP is fine with this. Despite it being the rhetoric that people in their twenties are at it like rabbits Confused

I think you really could do with talking through these feelings with a counsellor, to explore them more in a safe environment with a qualified person. Not saying that you won't get good advice here, but I think this goes deeper that a lay person can help with and you deserve the best of help.

fairbalance · 25/04/2015 19:11

Just say no- cuddle and talk about anything and everything. It does not even have to any serious discussion.Just light hearted to keep you close and caring about each other in a non sexual way. I would see it a non issue.

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