What rights do I have as a sexual partner?

[JoeP79]

Hi all

I'm a man who has recently entered a relationship after a very long hiatus of being single.

My partner is in many ways perfect - intelligent, thoughtful and kind. However, I am not and never have been an overly sexual person. Very often, due to depression and chronic headaches, I have virtually no interest in sex. Also I sometimes find sexual advances a violation of my boundaries and become anxious as a result.

At first our relationship was Platonic but then we had sex once and are now very much a couple. Although I have consented to sex a few times on future occasions I have mostly declined it, just because I'm so tired and would rather go to sleep. Although she has been very understanding and has respected my wishes, I could tell she was hurt.

In short, I worry on the one hand that I am being selfish by not meeting my partner's needs. On the other hand I don't want to totally surrender ownership of my body and feel I am just doing what someone else wants me to do. I always struggle with this in relationships in fact.

Does anyone else have this problem and how do you strike a balance/compromise?

I cannot imagine anyone advising a woman with a low (non zero) sex drive to be fair on a partner by flagging it early and either ending the relationship or being apologetic about it.

I would absolutely tell a woman to 'flag it early' because the relationship is just not going to work if they are incompatible. If she has a low or non-existent sex drive then it is only fair that she tells him and give him the choice of being sexually exclusive or not.

The same applies in OP's case. It doesn't matter whether you are male or female, same sex relationship, whatever. It's just about being honest with someone when you are asking them not to be sexual with anyone else.

i would say the same thing to a woman who wouldnt be able to, or had no intention of having any sexual intimacy with someone to tell her potential partners in advance.

I did have intentions of having sexual intimacy. Just kidded myself I'd manage it with Viagra and all would be somehow ok. Never set out to hurt anyone but was just a bit self-deluded I think. Learnt my lesson.

Joe, a lot of the stuff you've posted regarding how it physically makes you feel, the buzzing noises etc sound like they could be sensory issues. Has this been explored?
My eldest child has autism and has sensory integration therapy to help her with being touched etc. It's really helped

Sorry if I'm off track, I just thought I should mention it.

You sound like a nice bloke and I'm sorry you are ill but agree with others, keep pushing fir a diagnosis. I know with ME the reluctance to diagnose is a long ball game though :( all the best.

Are you on any medication? Do you have high blood pressure?

Sorry if these questions have already been asked as I haven't read the whole thread. It's not like you're a freak anyway, lots of people don't like sex, it's just they don't want to admit it.

The media would have us believe that everybody is at it 4 or 5 times a week but that's simply not true!

Sorry I should make clear, the sensory integration program helps my daughter be touched but not in a sexual way, just general!

Hi Owllady

I guess I do have some Autistic traits, but not others. As far as I can tell I'm socially fairly well attuned for example. But I do dislike crowds, loud noises and touch. It becomes all too much for my head to process.

But I think possibly I am a bit Autistic when it comes to sexual/romantic interaction. I just don't understand it. My current relationship only took off because my partner took the lead.

Once, I remember, there was a film I really wanted to see at the cinema. Feeling uncomfortable going alone, I invited my female housemate. She seemed really thrilled to be invited, so off we went. During the following weeks she seemed really off with me and I couldn't work out why. Then my other housemate explained to me that when you ask a girl to the cinema it's usually taken to mean you're romantically interested in her. I didn't know that, even though I was about 30. So in those kind of ways I'm a bit Autistic.

ALaughAMInute: I probably am responding to a degree of pressure - most people feel pressurized to invest disproportionately in their sex lives I think. Men especially are supposed to want sex all the time. When one woman once asked me back to hers and I said no she looked completely aghast. 'You're supposed to want to' she said. We still live in a very patriarchal culture where all men are supposed to aspire to be sex studs.

My issues with sex and all my other problems make me feel like an outsider.

Owllady: I'm really glad your daughter is becoming more comfortable with touch btw - that's great.

A very quick google of Sensory Processing Disorder in adults throws up This website where there is a list of possible symptoms.

But as I said, OP you really need a professional diagnosis, not Dr. Google.

Thanks Fairenuff.

Larry, have you been away from MN for a while ?

women are absolutely told that if they have no intention of committing fully to a sexual relationship that they don't have to but they need to be upfront about it

and this thread is not remotely "bizarre" if Joe is getting support from it, which he clearly is

OP, some asexuals do masturbate, so don't let that throw you off.

However, from what you describe it seems more likely that you have some trauma around sex and would benefit from psychotherapy.

A lot of the physical symptoms you describe could be linked to anxiety and depression.

From what you said about not being able to read social cues around attraction, I'm wondering if you had no good role model of a romantic partnership/marriage when growing up?

I do think you need to have a chat with your GF and let her know that you are not ready to be in a sexual relationship at this time. It would be kinder if you break it off with her. If you get on well then perhaps you could remain friends, but she will need to seek a romantic partner elsewhere.

I was just coming on to suggest that you may be on the autistic spectrum - it is not as clear cut as 'fitting some of the traits' - as there are as many different combinations of traits as there are people on the spectrum - so do not discount it because you dont necessarily tick all the boxes.

My DP, my son, my daughter, (and to an extent I suspect myself) are on the spectrum and the way you describe your interactions, the way you express yourself, the way you describe your anxiety and your panic on demands and giving up control ALL wave massive red flags

You might like to take a look at this quiz just as a bit of a screening hint - obviously an online quiz cant diagnose but it may suggest something to follow up.

there is alot of information about Aspergers and sex out there - the feelings you describe seem to come up quite commonly.

It is interesting that you say you have felt a sense of panic and anxiety from around 4 years - this is the age when 'theory of mind' generally kicks in - without it the world can be a very scary and intimidating place. Anyone on the spectrum suffering anxiety will try to keep control of as much as they can in response. You seem to have linked the feeling of loss of control at orgasm with a terrifying loss of control (as indeed it is) and I can understand how this must be very frightening.

If you are on the spectrum then the kind of counselling you have had in the past may not have been the right sort of therapy you needed. Living with your body constantly on high alert can be damaging and exhausting - the constant adrenal rush and raised cortisol levels, as well as the constant anxiety, will give physiological pain.

Hi Joe.
My ex-p is similar to you from the sound of it. He said virtually the same things about boundaries, his body belonging to him etc.
He is not autistic/ Aspergers, on the contrary is very empathic. He was abused - in many ways and is a very sensitive person, hence said issues.
I am not someone who rushes into intimate relationships either...we were friends for a while before realising we could be more, and even then we took things sloooowly. Said things were very fun don't get me wrong but...we never really had the 'at it at every opportunity' new couple stage, that made the wait worth it. It just fizzled to very little physical relationship at all.
I ended up feeling that he thought I shouldn't initiate sex, somehow it was inappropriate for the woman to do so and 'slutty' and dirty like he had this f-ed up Virgin Mary/ whore attitude to women - that he couldn't see me in both a sexual way and as a 'respectable' woman with serious relationship potential. So I stopped doing so.
He denied said attitudes. We did talk. He did explain about the effects of the abuse, he was getting help with that and did a lot of yoga etc but it was still in progress and in the end people want to feel their partner actually finds them attractive I have my own issues and felt he was repelled by my physical imperfections.
This may not be at all relevant to your case of course.
I would advise you communicate with your gf as honestly as you can. She is probably feeling unattractive etc.
And it sounds like you have physical health issues too. Please get checked out. Often emotional / psychological problems effect the body. Do you exercise? Eat well? Have you tried meditation, relaxation, yoga etc?
Good luck.

ME/CFS is very poorly understood and you are unlikely to get any help on the NHS for it. It is very common for CFS sufferers to be told that they have a mental illness, when in fact their anxiety or depression is the result, not the cause, of their physical problems.

I see that someone recommended the Lightening Process, which I have heard can help some people very much. I would also recommend finding a doctor privately who can do a full set of tests for mitochondrial function and will treat CFS along the same lines as Dr Sarah Myhill.

You have my total sympathy for your illness, which sounds very severe and debilitating. I don't think you are asexual: I think it sounds like you have a serious long term illness which has affected your mental health.

Thanks all for some super advice.

Spoke to my partner last night and she was very understanding. She really wants me to seek help though, which I will do.

Good for you Joe. You will have to pay privately for a good COSRT registered psychosexual therapist but I think it will be a worthwhile investment

I have scanned through the OPs posts, but not everything, so apologies if this has been asked and answered before.
Have you had functioning sexual relationships in the past? Is this a new problem?

kinkyfuckery

No, never entirely functioning. Although I lost my virginity very late.

From a very early age I felt a great deal of anxiety and shame concerning sex. Then I developed full blown depression, chronic anxiety and borderline psychosis in my late teens.

I self-harmed (stubbing cigarettes out on my body and lacerating my arms). I descended into full-blown alcoholism from the ages of 18 - 25, when I managed to quit. However, I continued to be highly unstable, obsessional and depressed. When I was offered sex I turned it down.

In my late 20's I met an older woman with whom I had an 18 month relationship despite my anxiety. At first I couldn't have penetrative sex but was able to eventually with the help of Viagra. However, the sex was never mutually satisfying and I was always totally emotionally detached. Tbh when I am actually having sex I feel no emotion whatsoever. Nothing. I don't understand sex being an emotional experience or having anything to do with loving someone at all. It just feels like something you have to do in a relationship, even if perhaps you don't want to, because you want someone else to be happy - like doing the washing up even though you're tired.

Good God, Joe, you have been through the wringer.

I have. I am a bit more stable though but it was like being in a private hell. It is impossible to put into words. It's like all the chemicals in your brain don't work properly and are doing their own, crazy, torturous thing all the time. I felt cold and dirty inside and diseased and evil and stinking - like my brain was crawling with worms.

Some of my behavior has been despicable, especially when I was a drunk. I lied, stole and spat out the hate I felt for myself at others. I have not been grateful enough to my parents and for all my privileges. However, I have endured the pain, worked, gained a degree, given up drinking. But I have shut down emotionally.

You sound so sad and tired.

Did you have the erectile problems before your alcoholism, or is that something that started during/after?

NettleTea, could I ask you to post links to the websites you'd recommend about Aspergers and sex?

IME it's very rare indeed to see this discussed on MN, and even if such links were of no interest to the OP, they might help loads of other people reading this thread.

Always had ED I think, though it's hard to say because my sex life started so late.