What rights do I have as a sexual partner?

[JoeP79]

Hi all

I'm a man who has recently entered a relationship after a very long hiatus of being single.

My partner is in many ways perfect - intelligent, thoughtful and kind. However, I am not and never have been an overly sexual person. Very often, due to depression and chronic headaches, I have virtually no interest in sex. Also I sometimes find sexual advances a violation of my boundaries and become anxious as a result.

At first our relationship was Platonic but then we had sex once and are now very much a couple. Although I have consented to sex a few times on future occasions I have mostly declined it, just because I'm so tired and would rather go to sleep. Although she has been very understanding and has respected my wishes, I could tell she was hurt.

In short, I worry on the one hand that I am being selfish by not meeting my partner's needs. On the other hand I don't want to totally surrender ownership of my body and feel I am just doing what someone else wants me to do. I always struggle with this in relationships in fact.

Does anyone else have this problem and how do you strike a balance/compromise?

I think you're right. I should have been more considerate at the outset. I really liked her and just kidded myself I could keep it going with viagra. But then I just fell too ill to even do that.

It's one big mess really. Sad.

What Griselda said!

I think your mixing two points together.

1. You should only ever have sex if you want it.

2. You sound as though you feel threatened by sex which is different from the point above. If you feel threatened by sex in general then it's not fair to enter in to a relasionship unless your partner doesn't want a sexual relasionship also.

I do understand what point 2 feels like by the way. And that feeling isnt normal and needs addressing professionally.

I have to disagree with fairbalance on that point. I think she deserves to know a bit more about this, before it breeds insecurity for her.

I disagree with fairbalance too. Its an important issue which needs a proper discussion Not having a go fairbalance but would you have said the same if the genders were reversed

I think my view would be talk only if you want too, do not push it. But just keep close and keep the communication open. That said I very laid back and as is the case with my partner I am totally in love him, so its fine. He is the best thing that has happened to me.

Ps I probably see this differently as I am in this exact position in reverse.

the thing is fairbalance, in my opinion the communication isn't open if there's big issues that are going unsaid. They need to be discussed as otherwise the partner will get confused and hurt and feel rejected.

It may not even need to be too much of a deep and meaningful difficult conversation (depending on how the gf takes it), but definitely clarity for the sake of peace of mind for both parties.

I think its hard t understand unless you are in this position. In my case communication is there, we have talked about it little. I know there is a issue but I do not see it as a big issue. As a couple we just click on so many levels this is not a big deal.

fairbalance I get your point, I think in this situation though it's different, the OP said he could tell she was hurt. So I think to prevent anymore hurt it would be a good idea to talk about how he feels

How long have you been in this relationship OP?

@Grayanalogy my partner said me once are you miffed. No was not miffed at all. He s just worrying unnecessarily so I reassured him. We click on far too many other levels for it even to register to being an issue for me. I absolutely adore being with him, love him to bits. He is the nicest person I have ever met.

But you aren't the OP's DP fairbalance she deserves the chance to talk about this properly instead of a simple 'are you miffed'. He knows her better than we do, and he said she seemed hurt. So with that in mind, I think a chat would be a good thing.

You are content with your situation, the OP isn't as you can probably tell from his posts. He needs support, and he needs therapy. If he's going to get either he needs to discuss with his partner.

I still think until you are in this situation its hard to make a judgement unless you look at the relationship as a whole and only OP can do that. We are not in the relationship with him so we cannot judge. We can offer opinions. OP needs to decide which if any opinion, perspective or advice is best. It is not for us to tell him what to do. We can only offer our personal perspectives. Its for OP to decide which opinion, if any fits, his situation.

Yes that's exactly what we're doing, however I'm also thinking about his DP's mental health and their relationship instead of suggesting it should be a non issue.

I was in this situation, my ex skirted around the issues, I ended up really hurt, my self confidence plummeted, and I felt really rejected. I thought it was my fault.

I wish my ex had been upfront with me.

You cannot make a decision about his mental health. That is for OP to decide if he needs help not us. We can only offer our perspectives and let OP decide. Your views are just as valid as mine but should be pushed on other people by shouting other people who are contributing to the thread down.

We can only offer our perspectives and let OP decide. Your views are just as valid as mine but should be pushed on other people by shouting other people who are contributing to the thread down

Yes which is what we're doing, giving insight and opinion And are you trying to accuse me of shouting you down? I'm having a discussion with you!

I think perhaps we shall leave this here since you seem to think I'm 'shouting you down' and trying to invalidate your opinion. All I'm saying is you're not the OP and talking about how great your partner is isn't helpful.

Have you been to counselling or seeked advice from your GP?

JoeP, I am sorry that you are struggling with this. There is nothing wrong with being asexual, or having a low sex drive, so please don't feel bad about it. However, a few of the things you are saying remind me a bit of a male friend of mine who was sexually abused as a young person. Have you explored that possibility?

Also, do you like cuddling? I have a son who is a teenager, and he has never enjoyed cuddling, in contrast to my other kids, and now he has told us he thinks he is "aromantic" and probably "asexual", so he says he does not plan to ever date. We have told him we love him as he is and we support his true self, however it plays out.

I hope you find a way to be comfortable and happy. It sounds like you have suffered a lot.

sakura I am having trouble understanding your post....women do not say no to sex because they are avoiding death! I don't know of any women who say no because they spend their life avoiding death!

I say no because I just don't feel like it...are you saying that we have no right to say unless we are actively trying to avoid death?

Men can use any phase they like where sex is concerned. The poster may feel he is surrendering ownership if he has unwanted sex.

I find your post offensive & sexist!

I should have phrased my comment more sensitively No! People like Sakura shouldn't jump on posters asking for help! Her post was hurtful & it diminished your issue while not even bothering to offer advice.

I think you are being selfish by not meeting your partner's needs. If you loved her you would want to please her in any way you could wouldn't you? Would you say this to a woman? It is not selfish to not want to have sex. The poster is aware that he has issues, if all you can do is call him selfish, perhaps go read another thread! It's not helpful here.

I totally agree with sakura what your feeling is not on par with what women go through Why do we even need to fucking compare? Would you tell a sexual (non rape) assault victim that what she was experiencing wasn't on a par with what a rape victim feels? No, you wouldn't. So PLEASE stop trying to diminish what the op feels. You have no idea how this feels in comparison to what women feel. He is struggling, let's help him instead of comparing his situation, shall we? let's start seeing his issues as valid in their own right.

The only balance of power there should be in any relationships is an equal balance!

And you should absolutely say no whenever you need to, even if it seems like you do it everytime. And your partner have every right (as you have proved you know) to not be happy in that relationship & leave. What she doesn't have the right to do is sulk, pressure or coerce.

You seem to understand that this is affecting her, which is great! The way forward is a good honest discussion allowing her to make a choice.

Is it a demand though or is just an expression of wanting to be close to you and share things with you? Cuddling and talking does not have lead to sex. Perhaps it is not a direct demand as such...but it can feel like that & it does feel like that to the op, which is why it feels so hard to engage.

Can I just stress that I AM NOT one of these men who comes on here to undermine discussions about the sexual violence and oppression suffered by women, or to equate my plight to theirs. It's totally different, I know that. Most of us know that, op. A couple of posters have tried to turn it around so it reads that way, but it really doesn't! Don't worry!

Despite it being the rhetoric that people in their twenties are at it like rabbits I think that is half of the problem...that & the fact that men are seen as always wanting sex!