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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What rights do I have as a sexual partner?

156 replies

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 16:42

Hi all

I'm a man who has recently entered a relationship after a very long hiatus of being single.

My partner is in many ways perfect - intelligent, thoughtful and kind. However, I am not and never have been an overly sexual person. Very often, due to depression and chronic headaches, I have virtually no interest in sex. Also I sometimes find sexual advances a violation of my boundaries and become anxious as a result.

At first our relationship was Platonic but then we had sex once and are now very much a couple. Although I have consented to sex a few times on future occasions I have mostly declined it, just because I'm so tired and would rather go to sleep. Although she has been very understanding and has respected my wishes, I could tell she was hurt.

In short, I worry on the one hand that I am being selfish by not meeting my partner's needs. On the other hand I don't want to totally surrender ownership of my body and feel I am just doing what someone else wants me to do. I always struggle with this in relationships in fact.

Does anyone else have this problem and how do you strike a balance/compromise?

OP posts:
ginnybag · 27/04/2015 12:34

This is one of the times that I realise just how far we still have to go to reach a real understanding and acceptance of human sexuality.

What does it say that someone has to ask if it's ok that they don't like sex?
That they must have something 'wrong' with them if they don't. There has to be a 'diagnosis' or a 'reason' and that they need to find out why and 'seek help'.

Why isn't it perfectly okay to just not like it? There's no other experience in the world that everyone universally likes - why should this be any different?

I know I'm not the first to say this, and that others are supporting the OP, but....

OP, this may just be who you are, and that's perfectly OK. It doesn't make you weird or wrong - it's just another facet of an incredibly complicated spectrum that I don't think we understand half so well as we think we do.

The ONLY thing about any of this that matters is that both you and your partner can reach a compromise in your relationship that you're happy with. And that doesn't (and shouldn't) automatically include you having to try to 'fix' the problem if YOU don't want to.

Are you happy without sex? Do you want to want it? If yes, then go for it, seek help and I hope that it works.

If no, then you need to say that - because it is a perfectly ok thing for you to say. And if you do, then, please, start to believe that you don't need to be ashamed of that, and you shouldn't have to be pressured into anything else anymore than a straight man should be pressured into being gay, or a gay one into a straight relationship. I genuinely believe that this is a normal component of sexuality and you can see from previous posts that I'm not the only one.

You're talking to your partner, and you should carry on doing this, but, if I may speculate a little - is there a sense of 'but I'm normal, it's normal to want to, what's wrong? I'll support you while you fix it, but it must be because.... reason, reason reason' to the conversations?

It MAY be because of your health/history - or it may not.

We come back to - it's perfectly okay to just not like it!

Not all relationships need to be sexual - some people are fine without it - but if your partner isn't then think hard before agreeing to 'try to fix it' if that's not something you want to do. You can't force yourself into something so intimate for years to keep the relationship alive. It's fair to neither of you, and pretending will put your partner into the horrible position where you're either actively encouraging them to use you against your own real wishes or suggesting that there may be a fix when there isn't.

Be completely honest. It's not wrong to feel the way you do - the only
wrong thing would be not being honest with yourself and your partner.

Your want for no sex is not more valid than her want for it.

Yarp · 27/04/2015 17:15

ginnybag. I think your post is very valid. It's hard to distinguish between someone who wants to have sex, and someone who thinks they ought
to want to

Either way, I think professional help is useful, to understand which it is, or to deal with the sort of 'phobic' responses to sex he describes

Yarp · 27/04/2015 17:23

OP

You have my utmost sympathies.
You sounds like a thoroughly decent man who has been through terrible times.

SlightlyJaded · 27/04/2015 19:12

From everything you have written, you need help.

Whether it turns out that you are somewhere on the autistic spectrum
Repressing something that is affecting your libido
Living with an un-diagnosed hormone imbalance
or
Something else

None of us can know.

But there is nothing to suggest that your situation can't be 'fixed' or at the very least understood. Both of which will give you some peace of mind (which I don't think you have right now).

Please go to your GP and get yourself a referral to a sexual therapist/psychologist and most importantly, bare in mind that the first person you meet may not be the right one.

Keep searching and you WILL find someone to help you make sense of all this. You sound like a very nice, decent and fair man who deserves to be happy and at peace with what ever sexuality you decide to own for yourself, and I wish you luck.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/04/2015 19:48

I have to say that you simply don't sound well enough to be in a sexual/romantic relationship at present. I think other posters have given you a variety of good advice on avenues to explore that might make you more comfortable with yourself, whether this leads to you developing a more positive attitude towards sex, or a happy acceptance of yourself as asexual or aromantic.
But I do think the best thing to do would be to end the relationship you are in, as kindly as possible. It can't be much fun for your girlfriend, and she may well have issues of her own (whether co-dependency, low self-esteem, or a rescuer streak) which will not be helped by the relationship continuing.

differentnameforthis · 28/04/2015 05:58

From a very early age I felt a great deal of anxiety and shame concerning sex

That is very interesting...do you know where the shame originated? Do you feel that you SHOULDN'T be enjoying sex?

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