Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Xpost with OP.

You will come to understand it OP, but not necessarily in the sense of a detailed list of reasons he made that choice.

It will more likely to be on the lines of - he turns out to be weaker, more selfish, more amoral, more entitled than you thought...

I'm not sure you can go two months feeling like this. When is you next session with counsellor?

What reasons could he give to make you understand it? What would make you think, i get it?

So how on earth do I come to terms with it if I can't understand it?

I'd suggest the two are very different things. Understanding it is probably easier: he had an opportunity and selfishly chose to take it, then lied and deceived repeatedly, put everything you had at risk and, instead of actively trying to make amends, sulked and stamped when found out

Coming to terms with it would involve accepting that the man you married was prepared to make choices like this, then pile insult on disrespect instead of addressing the issues within himself. In particular it could mean realising that his lack of remorse is a colossal red flag for this to be repeated in future, if you chose to stay with him

Only you can decide if you're prepared to take that risk, suffering doubt and losing your peace of mind while always facing the possibility of another catastrophe further along the line

Tomato I am sorry you are feeling blue today. It is very normal to feel lost because your entire life has changed at the moment.

I spent months and months trying to work out how my ex-DH could have done what he did. I felt I needed to know any possible reason why he could behave like that in order to try and understand it.

I had explanations from him that were sometimes as simplistic as "because I could and I wanted to and it was exciting and I didn't think you would find out so I didn't think that it would hurt you." But it can't be as simple as that.

I still wonder why sometimes, but I have accepted that I will never really understand why he could do that because quite simply he thinks differently to me. His version of love is different to mine. You will never get an answer that makes you understand why because your moral code and lack of entitlement is different to his. It is very hard to accept that you will not get a satisfactory answer to a situation that has caused you such devastation but in time you will find that the need to know why will ease.

Christina - I don't know that anything would make it ok. But somehow understanding would help. I'm seeing the counsellor next Monday and we have another session the following Monday which I thought I could use to talk to him.

Puzzled - yes I am starting to come to the conclusion you are right. I keep reading what you write and resisting because it's hard to take in. It hurts if that really is the truth.

Twinkle - yes I think you might have it. Urgh.

Iwas - it's just awful there are men out there who think that. And I HATE that the man I love/d is one of them.

Christina - you asked a few days ago how old dh is (39). Why?

Tomato I've posted a link to a thread I started a few months ago, it's a couple of pages. There's some really good posts on there in particular from Sylvanians, Cog and Hooty which might be of some help to you.

How did I get him so wrong

I hope the link works, I only learnt how today!

I was thinking that he was approaching middle age and wanted to recapture some of his youth and freedom again

Yes you might have been right Christina.

Thank you iwas. There are some amazing posts that I want to read and reread. There's a complete disbelief though that the man who I thoughts shared my values and beliefs has a completely different moral compass. I have never thought that being too trusting with him would land me in such hot water. I thought he was one of the few men I could trust.

it hurts if that really is the truth

I know, Tomato - believe me I know

It might have been nice if he'd worked to truly address what he's done, sincerely apologised on his own initiative or even put his bottom lip away occasionally, but unfortunately none of your posts suggest he's doing this

Appalling as this is, it could actually be even worse ... you could spend years trying to convince yourself against all the evidence that he really IS sorry and that he won't do it again, growing more bitter and suspicious yourself and watching your life ebb away in uncertainty and doubt, only to have it repeated

I apologise for sounding a bit bleak again, but I'm describing what my own life became before it finally got too much and I started the process of leaving - far too late and at enormous cost, but at least I'm doing it

Please, please don't become me

Oh puzzled. I wish I could give you an enormous hug.

Shucks.

I've written him a letter. It isn't very pretty but it details out exactly what I think of the situation and him and the impact on me. I'm thinking I could possibly read it to him in front of the counsellor.

I have never thought that being too trusting with him would land me in such hot water. I thought he was one of the few men I could trust

Careful, Tomato - that's dangerously close to taking a bit of blame yourself for trusting him. In NO WAY WHATSOEVER are you at fault here; you believed he meant his freely-made vows, behaved accordingly and got told for your pains that you were "a compromise"

In the end there's really only one question which matters: after all that's happened and how he's reacted, is he worth trying to make it work for?

I wish I could give you an enormous hug

Ditto

Have been reading this thread, and thinking about all the misery that affairs bring, and how fragile trust and relationships are.

I have to say, I always assumed that if (as I think is exceptionally unlikely) I had an affair/fling that I regretted, I would do my utmost to hide it from DH - but for reasons quite different from those that are being imputed to your DH. If I regretted what I'd done, and wanted my marriage to continue, I'd feel beside myself with guilt and remorse about what I'd done. If I told my DH, it'd be because I was seeking absolution/forgiveness - essentially for selfish reasons. I'd feel that it was up to me to deal with my guilt/regret on my own, and not to shove it onto him.

But let's say I did this, and then DH found out and was utterly furious with me, I hope so much I'd be able to show all the remorse and regret that I was feeling deep down - I hope that's what would come to the surface. But I'm afraid that part of what would come up would be anger and hurt, and that I might come across as uncaring, careless, thoughtless. I wonder whether being blamed and attacked for something that I KNEW was wrong, and massively regretted, and thought I was actually dealing with, might (in a toddler-ish sort of way) make me feel as if I wasn't quite so much in the wrong after all.

This is all a very long-winded way of saying -- behaving/'performing' regret and remorse may be very different from feeling it?

ps I think, particularly seeing various things I've cross-posted with, I come across as a bit of an apologist: not intended AT ALL.

I think reading him the letter is a good idea, you need to let it out and you need him to start talking

I also believe reading the letter could be valuable, and if you have a week before seeing the counsellor again (?) you'll have plenty of time to think it over. You could even discuss it with her before having a joint session with OH and see what she thinks?

Ok so that's the plan and that gives me time to read and digest and properly think about what I want to say. I could always give it to him afterwards.

So that's 2 weeks before I tell him what I think and give him a chance to respond.

Sunny thank you for your message. Yes this may be the case but the reality is that I am utterly devastated and he isn't man enough to take my anger on the chin and do whatever it takes to support me. It's just one long pity party where I have become the enemy.

Every time he sees you he's reminded of the fact that he's a shit. You have become an enemy to his good opinion of himself.

Some people are quite lazy and when they do something wrong they do a certain amount of soul searching, but not too much as that would be boring, and they just want to get on with life and not think about it too much.

Some people find it easier than others to understand emotional responses, to imagine how they would feel in the same situation. Sometimes people have to experience something for themselves to really get it.

It may be that he is one of these and the depth and strength of your emotional response is baffling and frightening to him. He may genuinely not have the remotest idea how to approach you or be around you.

The self pity could have so many different causes - multiple causes.

Yes I think he does want to get on with life. He said something like if it's not going to work out lets just both move on with our lives. I actually have to do the emotional response and soul searching to be able to move forward. And I need to be patient and have time so I can see the wood for the trees.

And his anger isn't helping matters at all.

I've just heard from his sister. She texted to say that she must be the last person I want to hear from

Lots of words of wisdom here - you're doing so well and I have so much respect for your clarity and dignity. Hope you're sleeping well ? Xx

Ok so that's the plan and that gives me time to read and digest and properly think about what I want to say

Some people like time. Time to think, consider, digest and finally compose their words in the best way they possibly can.

Please remember that this will also be true of your DH.

When you read him this letter, he will have no clue about your feelings and thoughts regarding the affair. You have made a deliberate "test" that he should not communicate or talk to you about this, so the letter will be read to him and you are asking for a response from him there and then.

Don't be surprised if you don't get a beautifully thoughtful response from him. If you read the letter 'cold' bear in mind that you would have got a response that was composed and considered if you give your DH time to think and digest what you are saying.

Give him some thinking time too, to give both of yourselves the best possible chance at getting through this.

Disclaimer: I am writing this post as a happily married woman. I have not been through an affair or similar. I just think about not perpetuating the mutual disrespect here. If the aim of the letter is to resolve issues, then give him a chance and the time to try and resolve things. If the aim of the letter is just bitter resentment and blaming, then his response doesn't really matter anyway.

When did he make the comment re " let's move on"