Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

The letter is about her getting everything out there, she can have any emotion she likes within that

Christina - it was in the first couple of days of me finding out. So very early days.

FATE - I need to tell him what is going on in my head and where I am at. I'm intending to read it to him in a counselling session so that he has to listen, and also so that any response is "refereed". I want him to take the time to listen and think and formulate his response - I feel like all I am getting is his kneejerk, angry, entitled responses.

I'm also feeling highly emotional still - I keep bursting into tears - I don't trust my own reactions now. It feels like we have such a huge decision to make about our future we need to make it in a balanced way rather than this highly charged state. I have to tell him how I feel and what I want from him in a way that I think he will most hear.

I want him to take the time to listen and think and formulate his response - I feel like all I am getting is his kneejerk, angry, entitled responses.

I absolutely agree. You are just getting knee-jerk defensive responses.

Are you going to read the letter one week and then ask for the response from him the following week then?

So he has the time to think and formulate his response?

Personally, I would deliver the letter the day before to allow him the time to digest and consider it's contents. Then read it aloud back to him in the counselling session and so ask for his considered response (that he's had time to think about and formulate) immediately afterwards.

I wouldn't give him the letter ahead of time because I think she needs to see him to be able to gauge his response - specifically with regard to whether he's grasped her PoV. And it will likely put him on the defensive.

He has to hear her say the words and see the emotion

He said something like if it's not going to work out lets just both move on with our lives

I see above that he said this in the period immediately after discovery. It may be (or it may not) that he simply didn't know what else to say, in which case I'd have thought that, as with the "compromise" remark, he'd immediately take it back

Did he do this, I wonder? And what do you feel it says about his willingness to put in the long term work it would need to retrieve this and go on together?

Has he said that he is going to fight for you and will do anything to make it work?

I get the impression he was hoping to wing this as a good man who made a mistake and he's either forgiven or it's over. Either way it should be resolved quickly and not involve a huge amount of analysis and soul-searching.

He doesn't realise that you've been forced to reinterpret him, your marriage, and your life from top to bottom, and it will take you some time to process all of that before you can even formulate an approach.

Tomato, the text from his DS. For now, its not important - she is a bit player and you don't need to be side-tracked.

Focus on yourself and your own feelings. The less people involved within the family the better. You don't need everyone else's voices drowning out your own.

I think I will read the letter in the session, give him the hard copy and ask for his response the following week.

I don't want him to misread or get angry/defensive with the contents before he comes in to the session. I suspect I will hit a lot of nerves. It is very long and I have 2 more weeks (although I might edit it down rather than add to it). And yes I want to see his emotions.

I can't remember whether he retracted the statement. That Sunday in particular my head was reeling and I said so so so so so much in anger. I couldn't help myself. And I have no recollection of his response.

In my letter I have asked him whether he has it in him to do the soul searching I need from him in order to rebuild our marriage. And whether he does really want to fight for us because I'm not getting that from him now.

And the people who say he wants me to forgive, forget, move on, have a nice holiday, never mention it again are spot on I think. He's a good problem solver and very practical and clearly not prone to introspection.

He went through secret counselling before he made the decision to stay in your marriage and stop his affair, though if I recall, he felt free to continue to have sex with the OW until this counselling concluded. So he has already had his period of reflection and presumably some sort of soul searching.

He seems to not have realised that you may also need a period of reflection and counselling.

Yes that's right. I understand the counselling was to help him reach a decision, because if it was intended to do some soul searching it has monumentally failed. I reckon I could do a better job.

You forget that in his little fantasy world he thought he could be my counsellor because he's gone through it already. Innit. And that a romantic weekend in France (with 2 12+ hour car journeys) would be just the ticket for some balanced discussions and sorting out out marriage. Obviously. He clearly forgot I could have easily and literally throttled him which wouldn't be quite the desired outcome.

The soulsearching involved in deciding what to do about the affair is not the same as that prompted by the revelations and OP's reaction.

(It may be the same to his mind obviously and he may feel like it's already 'done')

Tomato it takes a long while to even begin to accept that your husband is not the decent man that you thought he was. I thought my husband shared my values too.

As Puzzled has said I think their behaviour when they are trying to make amends is a good indicator of how sincere they are with their apologies and if it was a genuine out of character mistake or an example of entitled behaviour which could be repeated.

Twinkle talks an awful lot of sense, as always, in her posts about his behaviour and how much effort he is prepared to make to put things right.

I think the letter is a good idea and I think it is a great idea asking for his response the following week. As has been said it gives him time to think through what you have said and respond accordingly.

A lot of you are making sense .

I feel a lot better thank you. I have the longest letter, I'm going to talk it through on Monday with the counsellor and then likely read it the following week. At the moment I have been extremely blunt and honest - I think this is the time to pull my punches. I feel like I can put some of these thoughts to bed for a while.

I now need too gather my energies for dd. I have lots planned for the next few days. Including massages and yoga so I might get very zen!

Enjoy the next few days as much as you can.

Sorry you've crashed.

It was probably inevitable when your parents left. Now you're back to life as it was before, just without him in it.

It's very disappointing that his response has been so self involved and unloving.

A practicality and possible spanner in the works: your counsellor might not be willing/able to have a session with you both because of BACP professional standards: they are there for you and know you and your situation through your individual sessions and some consider it inappropriate to do joint sessions. They might suggest you find a third counsellor, who might not be able to do the letter thing in a first session.

They might agree to a one-off, but I understand that it's not good practice to do sessions with an individual first and then the couple. (it's different if you start off having sessions together and then have a couple of individual sessions each with the counsellor).

Hi duck - thank you for the thought but I think we should be ok. The sessions are through relate and we started as joint counselling. I have hijacked a couple (or more) of our sessions for myself to deal with the aftermath.

Morning mrs

It's good to hear you sound more positive

You mentioned earlier that he was one of the few men you could trust and that's why this hurt so much, he has let you down so badly

The bit about him having spent time at a counsellor puzzles me. It suggest that he was thinking and analyzing and taking quite a measured approach to cheating. He actually spent months talking to a third party about you, your marriage and his affair but expects you deal with it all in a weekend

I hope today is a better day for you, I am off to get camping stuff as ds is going camping for first time with scouts.....gulp!

The bit about him having spent time at a counsellor puzzles me. It suggest that he was thinking and analyzing and taking quite a measured approach to cheating

That's an excellent point and I totally agree. Could it be that he calculated everything rather than getting carried away? If so, that makes it 100 times worse in my mind.

Joysmum - It suggest that he was thinking and analyzing and taking quite a measured approach to cheating

That's your view. However I do not see it that way. He may have surprised himself how easily he got carried away with the affair, (having always thought himself secure in his marriage) and wanted to understand himself and his state of mind better. I have never heard of a married man voluntarily going to counseling, while having an affair.

That's a really good point. I think things had cooled between them when he was seeing the counsellor but that didn't stop him going back to her. That's something to ask about in my letter.

I don't like the fact he had been so analytical behind my back.

I have dd on my own today and already have had several tantrums so I need to focus on getting her out and about and doing some fun bits.

Camping with scouts should be a total blast. I'm sure he will come home muddy and shattered with some lovely tales xx

Btw he had been to counselling before. He had been in a long term relationship and they were both having counselling. The counsellor helped him come to the decision to end that relationship. In his particular circumstances I think turning to the same counsellor when he was struggling was an understandable action.

I wouldn't give him the letter ahead of time because I think she needs to see him to be able to gauge his response - specifically with regard to whether he's grasped her PoV. And it will likely put him on the defensive.

Yes. This.

Tomato - he seems to rely on counselling quite a bit.

I would find that a bit of a red flag to be honest with you.