Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

My gut instinct is that he hasnt really owned this yet, i still feel he is in part blaming you

It's time to hold a mirror up to him, is he man enough to look? If so there may be hope, if not then he isn't worthy of you

I think Camel's post about his anger is spot on. He thinks if he could only talk to you he would be able to sort this out and by denying him that chance you are taking away his opportunity to sort it out and thus he is angry and frustrated with you.

Camel

Totally agree

What you actually have is a man who is prepared to cheat on you, not acknowledge his behaviour and actually blame you for a lack of communication and for cutting him off

And there you have it in one sentence

Personally, an "apology" which only came when prompted would enrage me, especially as it isn't matched by he rest of his behaviour. At the end of the day he can either fully get what he's done or he can't ... and as you've said, the signs so far aren't promising at all

I still agree that space is the most vital thing, but maybe it's worth discussing a joint session with the counsellor? If she's any good, her answer could be enlightening ...

He believes that he is untouchable and it is immensely irritating to him that he can neither control nor sort out this situation how he wants

Well said, Camel

I don't know if this is of any use to you, please disregard if it isn't.

But when I told my husband that I wanted some time and space and asked him to move out, we had little or no contact for some of that time. There were occasions when he didn't do as I asked and times when he did. But one thing that I felt he did which really hurt and surprised me, I felt he gave up on us. From when he moved out and even after I ended my marriage I never felt that he would have done absolutely anything I wanted him to do to try to win me back. That may have been a reflection on him as it did feel, and still does, that his biggest regret was getting caught rather than the actual cheating.

But, and this is the relevant bit, we have talked recently and he said to me that he knew without any doubt whatsoever that our marriage was over the day I told him I wanted him to move out. He said he went through the motions but knew he was wasting his time which is why he didn't try harder. Just a thought, but feel free to ignore.

Your dh will have persuaded himself of many justifications over the last 6 months to justify his behavior to himself.
He will not come to any realization and the fog won't lift in 2 weeks.... For some it never does.
If he does come to certain realizations it needs to be on his own terms for them to be genuine iyswim .
Stop waiting for him to realise... Don't try to make him see...

I suspect he's still quite sure you'll take him back.
He needs to not be sure for you to gauge his real feelings and for him to understand what he has done.

Oh dear,
It is tough.
This is the toughest time because you have to decide: to go or to stay.
It is tough because your feelings/thoughts are quite ambivalent and his behavior is not yet moving in the right direction. You decided to give him a chance and you stick to your decision, but -put mildly- he does not know how to seize it (why? ego? no real remorse? still in the fog?- hard to tell.)

I hope your feelings/mind will clear out soon and based on his comportment you will reach the best decision for you.
Please do not waste too much of your precious time. Re-building a marriage depends MAINLY on his behavior post DD. IMO you must go to counseling ASAP and have a time scale. If you see that he has no plans whatsoever to atone for his appalling behavior then you will have no choice but to leave- at least you will leave knowing that you did your best
to keep it together. Good Luck!

What excellent advice here today. I hope it gives you strength to do what's best for you.

Remember that he is the one who changed the goalposts in your marriage, not you. Now he expects you to adopt this new reality without any consultation. In fact, he's blaming you for not liking where he's decided the goalposts should be.

There really are no 'right' timescales for all of this. Don't plan too far ahead, give yourself whatever time you need. He's had his adventure and now wants to be at home playing happy families again. All this within his own timescales.

You're not communicating and keeping him away from his DD?? Hello??? He hid a huge amount of 'communications' from you for months. Not only that, he CHOSE to be away from DD, preferring the company of the Italian job. He needs to understand that he made choices which now have major repercussions. So many things he took for granted he now has to renegotiate.

He shouldn't be angry, he should be contrite. End of.

Iwashappy sounds like your ex simply copped out of bothering to try to make amends, you're well rid! Perhaps better in some ways than half-hearted efforts and prolonged uncertainty though.

Writing it down might be good, because you can edit it if that helps and sit on it for a bit and decide whether to give it to him or not.

An ex (when was much younger and no DC) did the whole being critical/horrible thing for a long stretch of time when he'd met an OW - think he chose to pick at my faults and generate drama to justify ending things rather than admit he just wanted to pursue her. Pre MN a lovely friend explained this to me! Years after the end of the relationship when he asked why I hadn't wanted to "stay friends" (!) I told him how shitty all the criticism and crap treatment was and he (seemingly) saw it and apologised, but by that point an apology was unnecessary as was well over it!

Agree with Nevergrowingup.

Duck thank you. He had too much to make amendments for and I did come to realise that, regardless of everything else he did. Am definitely well rid.

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. Camel and Never - In particular your words are resonating. I'm listening and thinking.

Dad has arrived and we had a long chat over the washing up and in particular about his half arsed apology. I don't think we came to any conclusions though. Hey ho.

I meant to add - iwas thank you for your perspective too. I wonder whether like your ex he has given up or doesn't value enough what we had to fight for it.

I'm feeling really blue today and have no idea about how I even go about feeling better. My parents left this morning so I'm now going solo with dd for a few days. Dh has dd this afternoon, the house and garden are looking immaculate and I have swapped over the photos of "us" to photos of dd/me and dd.

I don't know what to do with myself or think about. It's not easy with having dd because as you'd predicted I think he is using her to get to me and it's working. I need to email him to back off and find the right words.

He's now told his best friend (earlier this week) and his sister (this morning). With my parents gone I'm feeling really isolated, even though by the end of our time together mum and I were starting to clash, which is quite normal for us.

I've got play dates lined up for this week and things to do when dd is at nursery but I don't know how I stop feeling so lost and forlorn. It's not helping that he doesn't appear to recognise the magnitude of what he has done or how hurt I am and is going about his business in the same old entitled way. And I don't know whether to send him an email or letter or let it wait until I can sit with him in front of the counsellor to tell him.

It all just feels so hopeless.

Aw tomato, it's hard when you return to the routine but without them, it's lonely

Remember they very rarely act how we want them to, there waynof coping can just be trying to carry on as normal. I'm not excusing it at all, but he probably just doesn't know what to do

I do think you need to talk to him at one point and let it all out. By our hurting, and the one person who would normally cuddle you is the one person that you are trying to avoid cxxxx

You've just got to ride the rollercoaster. Accept that you're in a low, try to remember that there'll come better times.

Write him a letter, but don't send it would be my advice

Thanks both. I just can't get my head around how he allowed himself to get so involved and do this to us. And now just carrying on as if everything is ok.

I haven't even looked at another man since I met him.

And I'm pretty open minded - if he had come to me and said he had been attracted to someone else but did nothing but was worried that he might stray if we didn't address something in our relationship I would have understood and worked with him.

But this?

It's just all going round and round and round in my head. I've been writing things down - I've done a timeline of the affair with everything that happened in my world to try and make sense of things but it isn't helping.

Vivacia - yes maybe I should

I just can't get my head around how he allowed himself to get so involved and do this to us. And now just carrying on as if everything is ok.

He has to just carry on because the alternative, acknowledging what a shit he's been, is too difficult.

You won't ever really make sense of it because you don't think like him. You were loyal, committed and as you have said another man was the last thing on your mind

You may never get the answers you want. You weren't supposed to find out, he thought he could get away with it

So how on earth do I come to terms with it if I can't understand it? I've spent my life trying to understand how things happen. And this single most devastating act? I can't just shrug my shoulders and go "I dunno". It's not in my DNA. And I don't have the strength to talk to him right now, let alone face the answers or none answers.

Obviously, he doesn't want to acknowledge the magnitude of what he's done because he'd have to face an arsehole in the mirror every day. He has a vested interest in minimising to the devastation he's caused.

In his mind he's dealing with the 'break up' with OW and choosing his family, and he's probably feeling heroic and sorry for himself at the same time. He may be feeling like you should be grateful...

If you feel like you need for your sanity to detail the hurt and damage he caused, then I see no reason why not. His response to it will be telling. It might be easier to confront this with a third party present. A letter or email may go unresponsed to, and you won't be able to gauge from his reaction whether he's taken it in or not.