Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi all and I'm glad you're keeping this thread going and making progress. Silvery I'm glad you are safely into new home now and thank you for your comment and reminding me on the detachment, I am having a hard time now extracting everyday bits of my life. He's such a mess, I shouldn't have asked him about the glasses as it was probably a bit mean but he's such a mess at the moment, seems to be falling apart, cannot find anything, constantly panicking about losing things, always asking me where this/that is, whether I'm with him or not, I'm seriously worried about his mental health but there's nothing I can do. Glasses have been repaired by cobbling together 2 old pairs. He feels it would be a waste of money to buy a new pair.

Meant to add, why am I still here??

nini that is close for finding a new place, what are your real options? Have you exchanged contracts?

If you've exchanged contracts and agreed completion date, you should have a firm idea of where you stand financially. And if you need to take on a rental, start looking! Try to get a 6 month break clause so you won't necessarily be tied for a year, if you're looking to buy again. What's the situation like for housing association properties in your area?

Or, can you take a little break from everything! Amazing how far you've come

Yes we've changed thats and I have until the end of may. Im looking for rentals but totally underestimated how the market is here, expensive and nothing good sticks around for long. I'm not entitled to anything HA. I'm pestering lettings agents but there just isnt much out there and I need to stay local for work/school. There's no plan B currently as I have no family here and no friends able to take us.

This is the last big hurdle (although the financial agreement hasnt been signed yet).

Its a problem staying local when its an expensive area, isn't it! Any chance of 1)going further out 2) a longer let on a holiday cottage or similar, just to get out and get some space, as a plan b just to take the pressure off? I found talking to lettings agents difficult, we're in a popular area but I thought they'd be keen for my business so to speak, but it was the other way around. But remember, you'll look like a good tenant to them so keep looking (I'm sure you are) and something will come up. Also don't forget gumtree, etc, in addition to the agencies.

thats hold firm and don't let his stupid games sideline your excellent plan, at this point you could simply change the locks and send a text.. simples, hopefully?

whilst its so cool there is somewhere to come with this stuff, ii really wish i wasn't 'keeping the thread going' ! Wishing it didn't have to exist, very sad.

Nini i would be stressing .. that is close to the wire, all you can do is keep looking, and looking, a very stressful time, and a mixed bag too as this deadline draws nearer its massive cause for celebration, but only once youve got a place to move to sorted! Really feel for you and hoping you find something really soon, on the plus side does sound like you are in a pretty lively market there.

yes, destroys your faith in people somewhat --completely- when 'friends' turn and have been hiding their loyalties and not being true to you. Two-faced, and 'devout christians' at that, always preaching to others that they know best!

thank you Pony helps to have that vote of confidence, when never knowing what to do for the best... god only knows what they must be thinking /processing now though !

Well I think I could push another week or so by getting a holiday let and putting everything in storage but that makes things expensive. Going further out means more hassle with the morning/evening commute so not ideal either but i'll have to look further out if it gets really dire. I have two more viewings booked this week so fingers crossed. Ive found lettings agents similar to you thats, I'm having to really chase them even to get a viewing!

Interestingly Fi, I've found in life in general that some of the most 'devout' Christians are the least Christian in their behaviour (and I say that as a Christian myself). Funny old world.

Nini good luck with the house hunting - I hope something comes up soon for you.

thats I hope you are ok. It must be difficult to be living with him still, can you step back in any way? I'm in a similar position to you in a way - I am speaking to SHL tomorrow to get things moving, and I'm scared of this now. It's a big irreversible move, and I seem to be talking myself into thinking things were not that bad really, and maybe I should stay. Also scared of his reaction. But every step I have taken so far has been scary, but its all been the right move to make so far. Maybe you can think of this in the same way - grit your teeth and serve the papers and then its done. Don't think of the reaction and beyond that point just yet.

Pony its very difficult to keep neutrai with the children and not bad mouth in a way. He was awful to me and still the DC are begging me to go back home so we can be a family again. Part of me just wants to explain what he was like, but if they repeat any of it back to him he will start using them to pass messages and justifications on to me.

Thank you for your advice about exercising caution when standing up to him - I know this is what enrages him usually, although he is currently in super-calm Mr Nice guy mode which makes it very difficult for me. I need to be angry for my appt with the SHL tomorrow, but his niceness makes me question myself every time.

I guess the divorce will be the ultimate loss of control and trigger for rage for him. I am not going to think about it and will hope for the best.

Nini can I ask - how long did it take from filing for divorce/leaving him to getting to the house buying stage? I have no idea how my H will react and I want some sort of countdown to this all being over.

i worry exactly the same Name - how can i tell them not to say anything? will they say anything tohim? What will happen when he says his usual 'It didn't happen', 'She's making it into something it wasn't', 'it was a game', 'i don't remember that', any one of those or any others he may care to add in to confuzzle their heads

I feel for your worries right now at the thought of his reaction, and its wise to imagine this will inflame his entitled rage as what has he to lose when this final nail is hammered home? worth being wary of the DC being around when this happens, and preparing the DC in case he reacts badly to them and if you've told them beforehand they will feel more prepared for any fallout from him and more likely to share it with you so you can act to protect them if need be.

yes, agreeing with Name.. grit teeth Thats and just do it?! teetering on the edge, take that leap of faith, you really can do this, rather than this daily picking torture!

Well I'm doing things a bit backwards name so hard to say. Told him it was over in November, house went on market in January, sold this month, moving out next month. Our house did sell quite quickly though and everything I read said stay in the house rather than sell, I just want a fresh start. He hasn't moved out yet (I didnt want him just dumping me into dealing with everything but thats happened anyway) and the divorce bit won't be done until after the move.

Like you I'm worried about his reaction to the actual divorce so thats why I'm leaving it until we're apart. Perhaps that might be a good move for you too?

i worry exactly the same Name - how can i tell them not to say anything? will they say anything tohim? What will happen when he says his usual 'It didn't happen', 'She's making it into something it wasn't', 'it was a game', 'i don't remember that', any one of those or any others he may care to add in to confuzzle their heads

I feel for your worries right now at the thought of his reaction, and its wise to imagine this will inflame his entitled rage as what has he to lose when this final nail is hammered home? worth being wary of the DC being around when this happens, and preparing the DC in case he reacts badly to them and if you've told them beforehand they will feel more prepared for any fallout from him and more likely to share it with you so you can act to protect them if need be.

yes, agreeing with Name.. grit teeth Thats and just do it?! teetering on the edge, take that leap of faith, you really can do this, rather than this daily picking torture!

Evening all.

thats my first thought on reading your post about how he's constantly losing things - it's deliberate. To show you that you need to stay to look after him.

Nini have you tried gumtree? You might find private letters on there. Or what about contacting WA and asking for their help? Or a friend for a few weeks at worst - you think you can't, but really you can.
Has he said what kind of accommodation he's sorting out?

Name lovely - the very fact that you are scared of his reaction to you involving SHL is what should spur you on. You'll be fine, I know it. You've found your path through everything else. Good luck for the appointment.

Fi lovely, you are doing good. Like you say, grit your teeth. Keep on keeping on.

Nini we are already living apart - I left him in Jan, he is in our marital home and I am at my parents house.

He is showing no willing to sell the house - in fact he has already got a tenant in to take our daughters room - anything to get some cash in, as always.

That's why I want the divorce now. He is living comfortably in our large 4bed house, whilst my 3 DC and I share one bedroom at my parents house. He has zero empathy for how we might be living, he is enjoying his kingdom undisturbed at home.

So divorce, house sale (it should go very quickly, its a nice house in a desirable area) and then the torture of getting my remaining money from him. He was financially abusive and has been hoarding/spending my salary for the past 2 years, and I want it back.

Tried gumtree pony, there's nothing on there currently. WA in my area lost its funding a few years ago so doesn't have any safe houses anymore. None of my friends have even a room we could use. FW already has his house (through stitching me but I wont elaborate) but he wont tell me where it is.

Can you start making enquiries with estate agents name? Im not sure how it works if one person doesnt want to sell up. He sounds awful, the sooner you're away the better!

Helllllllllllo wonderful people. I am sorry I didn't post sooner. I find it difficult to be alone to type. I am currently eating a bacon and egg mcmuffin yum in a carpark. How glamorous! But this is was they do ladies isn't it? After wrecking our anniversary yesterday and sleeping on the sofa again I needed to get out. I also made the mistake of posting on a general board about my also I think Ea Mil. I was told to grow up /get used to it! Be warned, people who don't know EA may reinforce your partner's behaviour without even knowing it!

Oh my goodness, they are now telling me my mil is normal

Nini, could you speak to WA anyway? They might have lost refuge funding but if they are still offering advice then they might be able to help. Or the main office if not the regional one?

What about putting an advert on Gumtree yourself? Or do any shops near you put adverts in windows any more? Our local Sainsbury's and Wilkinson's do that, there are sometimes house sale/rent ads there. What are your nearby estate agents like, will it be possible to rent through one of them or do they charge exorbitent fees etc?
Council? Tell them that you will be homeless as of x date? I know that sounds a huge and horrible step, but all you need is somewhere to gather yourself for six months or so until you can look for something more at your leisure.

Hello beezle - that's what happens sometimes, as I mentioned upthread. It looks normal from the outside, and single incidents in isolation to seem a big deal. But it's the background and the 'drip drip drip'. Sorry you had your anniversary ruined.

Hi ponygirlcurtis, what a non day it was really , however I should be big enough and daft enough to know it will happen. How are you? Hope you and everyone is having your own version of a lovely day xx

court can force house sale, as a necessary way of getting shared funds divided fairly if FW cant be a decent man grow a pair and let his family have a home to live in

been a lovely sunny day.. hope everyone edging forward in their with their own particular hurdles; here, moving forward painfully

Hi fairyfi, nice to meet you. Why do people make it so miserable!

Hello people. I am a NC escapee looking back from a happy place at my EA marriage (I used to live in a LittleHouse) . As usual I am pondering whether I overreacted or whether I am minimising the horrible things that happened. I can see how you are all struggling to assert yourselves while fearing the backlash. I think this is a survival tactic. My XH is a Water Torturer and a Sensitive Soul!!

What I realise is that while I was getting away and negotiating my escape I was treadily warily all the time. When I moved out I let XH stay in our house to avoid angering him. I let him have all the furniture, crockery, cutlery and furnishings. I waited two years to divorce for fear of upsetting him. Then I accepted all his conditions. I tried to negotiate over support of our adult children, spent thousands on mediation which he then ignored completely. I now support our DC equally to him as he has a bee in his bonnet about this. He earns three times my salary but we pay the same. I have capitulated on everything for fear of his nastiness. BUT I AM FREE!

I got a deal over his pension and we split the equity in our family home so in the long run I will be well off. I have swallowed his shit and refused to allow it to annoy me looking to the long game. I never say anything bad about him to the DC and I let his controlling tendencies wash over me rather than get annoyed.

What do I gain from this? He thinks I am infinitely reasonable and therefore cooperates and the DC see us co-parenting apparently happily. I go away and swear loudly but privately and my DP hears me ranting about his nobbishness. If i have regrets they are that I wish my 22 year old self could have seen the controlling bully and run away instead of having DC with him and spending 27 years trying to make him happy and keep the peace.

Life is good. I have a lovely home now with a wonderful DP and total peace of mind. In two years my DC will be through education and I will be free of him. The DC are adults and can see what he is up to when he puts conditions on his gifts and counts how many hours they spend with me. They can make their own minds up over which way of life is best.

Be strong people. You can get away and make a better life! You may need to lose a battle or two to win the war, but it is worth it.

nini I'm a bit worried for you, dp you have a financial agreement for the house sale proceeds? Be careful he can't get anything from a joint account, perhaps tell conveyancing solicitor?

Thank you top

It's nice to hear a positive ending thanks top xx

TopOfTheCliff - that's lovely! Thanks for sharing and giving us all some hope!

the DC see us co-parenting apparently happily - this is to be applauded!

Hello Top so good to hear of your new life away from the 'nobbishness'!

Your one wish, that you had known all this when you were 22.

How do we make sure our DC 'know all this'?

We couldn't see it at 20, 30, 40, 50..... how will it be any different for them?