Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hello. I'd like to sign up to this thread please. I'll come back soon with details

I used to read these threads a couple of years ago when I was still with my ex. They gave me hope that i'd get out one day. I left a year ago but am still struggling with the impact of what happened during the relationship. Sad to see these threads have tailed off.

Yes they were a great, actually life changing support to me too, Procrastiner. Boris wishing you well, come back when you're ready, plenty of shared wisdom on this old thread!

Oops Procrasinator sorry !

I'm struggling with impact too but would never, ever go back to those dark days :)

Wanted to report to my old muckers on this thread - out for year and a half, divorce about to finalise, about to get old home back. Nothing could drag me back. I remember how stuck I felt, for so many years and wondering how I could leave. It did happen for me and I hope if there are people out there needing support they might find help here, as I did.

Hear hear! Glad you have resurrected this thread! I would never have realized how toxic my relationship was but for these threads a few years ago. I got great advice and support, plus the links at the top were invaluable.

UnravellingFast, well done! I also am just about divorced and life is so good. The daily stress of dealing with an angry and controlling man is gone-- and I have so much extra time as a result so have built a life for myself. Thanks to all who have posted and shared over the years. Knowing others were in a similar situation was so empowering for me.

I used to post in these threads way back when it was thread 15 or 16.
I am stuck in Groundhog Day of him not agreeing child arrangements and thus being stuck in legal process.
It is exhausting, financially and emotionally. It was only leaving that I realised how exactly controlling he is.
I would never go back, but I am struggling with the fact that it is still going on (why would I have expected differently though? But I did, when I left, I thought it would take 12-24 months to sort out... ) and everything which has happened.
But these threads helped me a lot so I wanted to post a thank you and thoughts and support to all the posters who have posted before or are in the situation now.

So so good to see this thread resurrected! Much love to all . I was around a lot 'back in the day' as Nini if anybody remembers me. This thread was my lifesaver (it really was, I was so close to ending it at times as I couldn't escape).

I've been out 5 years this month and divorce followed afterwards. My ex was stalking me on here which is why I stopped posting, and my usage of this thread as a support group was used as one of my unreasonable behaviours in his divorce petition. Of course the title of this thread (and why I needed it in the first place) was not mentioned.

I wish I could say life is easier, and in many ways it is. I now have a man who loves me deeply and has taught me that not all men are bad, and I have a home of my own again with my DC. But on the flip side, my ex is as controlling as ever, has used the court system to gain more access to the DC against their will, tried to destroy me financially in the process, and still uses any opportunity to drag me down. He still won't be happy until I have nothing left. He now has a new puppet who does everything for him as I did, poor girl. My DC is terrified of him as his treatment is awful (although he's careful not to do anything serious enough to lose access) but is getting to the age where what he is has become very clear. So there is hope.

When you have a system that supports abusive men and doesn't believe women like us, we and our children will always suffer. But I don't regret leaving for a second. Despite the stress and the pain that never truly eases, it was worth it.

Strength and love to all my sisters here

4 years not 5. I forget how much freedom I've had so far

Hi Nini, so good to hear you again. Breathe was my name. Wow, four years, fantastic. And amazing you have a great new rs too. I aspire to that one day... but couldn't handle it yet. I often think of my friends on here. Love to any reading this, new or old.

Hi Breathe, good to see you're still around . I too often think of the gang on here and wonder how everyone is doing. I've been reading back on my old posts and there's so much I've forgotten or blocked out.

I hope life is good to you Breathe going forwards. It's never easy. But we are brave despite that.

Hi @Niniisstillhere amazing we got out. I hope our other friends of back in the day did too. I sometimes read my old posts and it does give me courage to see how far I've come even though it took me ages.

I have just stumbled on this thread! Was this the last one ever?

Agreed, a wonderful gang of women with such strong support for each other, and amazing to see some of the old names from the past!

I too hope everyone is doing better and free now

I've just read all of this thread tonight and hope it can be resurrected as there are still some of us knowing we should leave but too scared to do it.

I realised the kind of relationship I've been in for over 25 years after reading Lundy's book over a year ago. I told DH I wanted a divorce back then and was persuaded to try again (as someone on a thread I started had warned me). At the time I had never heard of hoovering.

One year on and I'm even more convinced I need to be on my own. DC2 has A levels next summer so I'm waiting until they are over to separate to avoid too much drama. I'm also hoping that the new no fault divorce laws go through next year as I think we'll avoid much unpleasantness if we can avoid blame.

I'm really dreading how awful it will be and worried about a lonely old age (in my 50s) but quietly excited about a new life. Just need to get through the next few (hellish) months...

Stillnotfrom welcome to you, and sorry to hear of your situation. Although this thread ran quiet there will be many going through through the same as you. It's to be celebrated that you have come to this point! It will keep driving you to action. It might also help you to search for previous threads as reading too as there is so much advice and support on them which you can feel part of and gain traction from.

Good to hear you are so far along in your frame of mind.

Is anyone else aware? Do you have any rl support or others to talk to (that have zero loyalty to him and 100% trustworthy)?

Some of the old posters from here do still post on MN.

Foster that quiet excitement to keep you going, and don't worry about feeling lonely you willbe so elated to be free of him when the time comes.

There's lots you can do to prepare in your year, there's bank accounts and lots of researching, clearing and sorting that will make this all easier once you're ready.

What would you do with the house, would you want to stay in it with dc? It would be pretty hellish for him to be there too once the divorce is underway, and in all honesty might not be safe for you.

Take care and keep on keeping on, a busy year can soon be gone!

@fairyfi thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot that there are people out there who understand.

I have only told a couple of people irl about how I'm feeling as it's too scary to say it out loud. That's what is stopping me from getting legal advice too, it makes it real and I feel guilty and deceitful. I'm not used to keeping anything from him and the thought of being found out makes me panicky.

I have already started sorting out paperwork and getting rid of stuff so slowly preparing and I am in charge of all of our finances so I am getting documents together. I've also started to think about where I'll live (assuming we sell our house and I get half) and that's kind of exciting. My DC will both be at university by autumn next year so I'll need somewhere they can stay in the holidays if they choose to, but that should be possible if I get a fair settlement.

I try not to get too terrified about the future. When we talked about separating before he told me we would both be less happy apart but I'd be especially unhappy. Thankfully I can now see these comments for what they are. There has been no intimacy between us for over a year, not even hugging but he still thinks we'll just carry on.

My biggest concern is that I'm just numb most of the time now as I feel like I can't let the floodgates open. I've recently started a new job that means I will be able to support myself and I need that to be a success, so I have to hold it together and paint on a smile.

I find the threads on MN really helpful and I have been reading lots of them and following the links to useful websites and things.

The sense of betrayal and tearing loyalty in half really a massive challenge and hurdle to smash through.

For those who have a strong sense of loyalty it can almost be too much to feel like you are turning on someone you love.

Totally shattering of ones beliefs, and devastating to your sense of a relationship it really does have to feel over to do this.

Its also such a lot to face, the extent to which your relationship wasn't a relationship, wasn't a partnership, or shared experience, but only.one of control and often despise.

You're doing really well to have already got preparations so well under way. There's a lot to do but your plan gives you time and will pass the time for you too.

Good luck for your new job! ...and find a way to let some of the force behind the flood gates to trickle out. Maybe writing here can help with that?

I think you're right @fairyfi, the feeling that I am betraying him (he goes on a lot about he made vows and intends to keep them) is very hard to deal with. No one sees him as I do. He is a nice, Christian, loyal husband and a good provider to the outside world and it's true that financially we are stable because of his job. But I'm as near to broken as it's possible to be without actually cracking and that can't be OK.

Then there is the guilt about our DCs, not so much about the eventual divorce as I think they'll be sad but cope, but that I let him treat me this way for so long. Have I damaged them? Why didn't I do something sooner? I feel such deep shame and I know it isnt healthy but I always thought that despite everything he had my best interests at heart. I don't think that now and I'm heartbroken.

Writing here does help, I feel so very alone. My DF has stage 4 cancer and I'm not going to talk to my parents until we have separated as they may try to persuade me to try again and also they don't need any more stress at the moment. My DCs saw a bit of his true self last year on holiday and were shocked. He told them he behaved badly because I had been so mean to him but I think they saw the truth.

Since I agree to give it another try he has been on his best behaviour. The cynic in me thinks that this is so I have no recent examples of unreasonable behaviour to cite, although he has never thought he behaved badly at any time. I still see flashes of the old irritation and superiority but he manages to keep it under control.

Sorry to ramble but it really does feel good to talk

Oh bless you, it sounds awful for you all and yes, whilst the dc might not fully know the extent they will have picked up a lot more than you'd imagine.

I am so glad its helped to have somewhere to write it out and be heard!

Keeping talking and I'll pop back to check for your posts. Hopefully you'll get some more responses too.

Thanks again @fairyfi, it it lovely to be heard. Maybe I'll start a new thread similar to this one in case people are being put off by some of the posts here being from a few years ago.

I think you are right about the DCs, my DD who is away at uni has told me that she can tell that I'm sad. Not sure what my DS thinks but he must know all is not well.

This is all so hard but I'm more and more convinced that this realtionship is over.

@Stillnotfrom I am in a similar position, its been 31 years for me, we are late 50s early 60s, one DC already gone, one in year 12. My DD said to me a few months ago "I've never seen you happy"- very matter of fact, as if that was the norm. Well, of course, it is.

Will follow thread with interest.

@DishingOutDone nice to meet you but sorry that you find yourself posting here.

Does your DH know what you are thinking? Mine says he doesn't understand why I'm unhappy even though I've explained it many times. He doesn't accept that anything in his behaviour has been a problem and says that my behaviour has made him unhappy in the past but he just lets it go. Says my problem is that I won't forget and move on and that I shouldn't hold on to grudges.

Are you thinking of separating? I am more and more sure that divorce is in store for me but I'm dreading the process of getting there. I was in your shoes last year with one DC away and one in year 12 but the past year has flown so I'm hoping the next one will be the same.

Sending

Welcome here DishingOutDone

Thats quite shocking, and to hear from your DD isn't it.

Do you have any thoughts of pushing him out and making a change for you all?

Stillnotfrom. Its not part of the territory for an abuser to shouoder any responsability or to really hear what their victim has to say. Its all about making you think you're the only one with an issue, so it's because you can't move on, well that's a very inconvenient nuisance for them isn't it!

One step at a time, it sounds like you really are working your way there, keep on keeping on.

@Stillnotfrom well this is awkward, we appear to be married to the same man .... who knew eh?!