Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

How awful of him to break your special vase. I'm sure the intention was to make you wonder if you can leave DC with him tomorrow. He clearly cares for nobody but himself.

Keep planning. Your DCs will be so much better off with space from him, space to consider that what they thought was normal really isn't.

I have to agree. It sounds like he is deliberately pushing buttons so that you will stay home and he doesn't have to deal with things. So sorry your vase is broken, that must have been upsetting for you.

Having a rough weekend here. Discovered my FW has been meeting with yet more friends who appear to have dumped me. Virtually everyone has done this. I know its a power thing, a 'I have more friends than you' show. But these friends in particular I've known more than half my life and it hurts. It shouldn't, I know it shows what they think of me, but it still hurts.

nini There was a definite divide when stbx and I separated. As most of his friends were also my friends while we were together for years, it did feel like the rug was pulled out from under me to see some of the nasty comments directed towards me that were made (on FB, for example) by people I regarded as friends. I remember thinking "Shouldn't they know me better than this? They KNOW I am not a horrible person!" But logic tells me in order to "side" with him, they feel the need to make me out (in their minds anyway) as the "bad guy" in all this. IMO it just means they're weak, and not worth having as friends. He's welcome to them. I've got other friends that have stood by me and clearly know me better. It does hurt, but it's just another exercise in detachment.

You're right Alice. I'm feeling very lonely at the moment because of this. Its almost as though nobody around me knew me at all. The temptation to tell the the real him is overwhelming too, although I know it'll end up making me look deranged.

God, yes. The times my fingers have itched to completely out his nasty and dreadful behaviour to all and sundry! But realistically speaking, if they're naive enough to believe the rubbish he is feeding them, they won't believe you anyway. Cut your losses, find better friends.

Having been there with the friends thing and come out the other side a few years later.....I kept my mouth shut because I would have looked deranged. No way anyone would have believed me. Lost most of my friendship circle. Fast forward a few years and they have all turned around and made contact one way or another and have congratulated me on how dignified I was at the time and how I had a lucky escape etc. This is because his most recent ex blew her top and told everyone what he'd done. So, people work it out eventually but not for the right reasons. I will always keep this people at arms length tho because basically they abandoned me in my hour of need and I don't expect any apologies from them, because they won't see it this way. Out of sight, out of mind.

Sounds like everyone has had a rough week of it this week,my partner does this do starts cleaning things or wanting to do something in the house the minute I'm going somewhere or want to join something I don't bother now cause I won't leave the kids,something happened last Wednesday that I'm still in shock bout feels like a dream I was in bed and he forced himself in me while he had sex with me I told him get of me an tried push him of I couldn't I told him to stop I think I was raped feel so stupid saying this to you all

MadiSon so sorry you're having to deal with that. Yes, it was rape. Please don't feel stupid. Are you going to make a police report? Do you have someone in RL that can support you? Are you safe right now? (sorry, for all the questions - I've not been on here in awhile, so not familiar with your particular situation at the moment)

I'm safe I'm at work I'm not gonna make a report I can't afford to move out at moment I'm saving trying to get place my own,we haven't been getting on at all he's a bully and there was no axe for a while between us, I got in to bed Wednesday and I was half asleep and he started masturbating I felt scared by it he lifted covers of me then started touching me I said get of me we hadn't spoken in weeks then before I knew it was all over was bit of a daze.

You can make an information report with the police, just so the information is on record. At the very least, it might be helpful to speak to their domestic abuse personnel, as they can possibly give you referrals to agencies that can be of help to you. My concern is now he's crossed that line, he's going to do it again. The boundaries are going to be pushed further and further.

so sad that you suffered this from him Madi he's really crossed the line, definitely about that.

Based on this you could get an occupation order, and a non-mol for life from him! so he will never be allowed to come near you again.

I know in a bit if a daze bout the whole thing don't know if it was punishment for not talking to him or what I just have to think bout getting out of there and keep my plan in my mind.i just didn't feel right after it happened I knew it wasn't right.

Had a bit of a thread hiatus, just catching up.

Madi sweetheart, no words, just for you. Hope you are doing ok lovely. Another one suggesting 101 for some advice/putting it on record without it being 'on record'. How are things at the moment at home?

nini he's a FW and he'll do FWy things. So sorry to hear you are lonely - there's no denying, being a lone parent can be really hard and lonely sometimes. But you'll come out the other side, I promise. How are you feeling this week?

How are you keeping pony? I'm still in shock bout what happened never happened before told nobody other than you guys I just wish was in better financial position,things still much the same he knows he did wrong he passed some remark like you wanted that to happen I think he was annoyed cos I had blanked him for so long that's why happened.

I am fine thanks Madi - but it doesn't sound like you are. Do you have anyone to talk to about it in RL, have you called Women's Aid - even if they don't have any service in your area, you should be able to speak to someone in the national office.

He knows he did wrong but will make it your fault, either that you wanted it or that you are making too big a deal out of nothing. It's fine to go along with whatever he says as long as you keep the truth of it in your head. There's no need to get him to admit to guilt (he never will, not really) so just focus on yourself and keeping focused on your goal of leaving.

Hi pony how's things no woman's aid here just woman's hostels full of drug addicts my sister asked me live with her she has two kids we don't get on and neither do the kids,that's all I do is keep the truth in my head over and over every hour he went out with buddies yesterday came home this morning didn't go to work he stayed in bed all day!,I joined back slimming world thurs I'm of work for a month with kids of school he made me bring baby with me couldn't stay for my class,I went and got my nails painted Saturday made me bring baby,he said you can't stroll of on your own and leave your kids at home don't work like that I said but you get go kick boxing you don't bring kids you go out drinking don't come home he said well your there mother!just fed up feel like screaming with frustration sorry sounds bit extreme the way he talks to me gets me so royaled up

It's terrible that so many regions have lost their WA, makes me so and . What about the main WA service? They will be harder to get through to on the phone, and will take longer to reply by email, but better than nothing.

Here is the number: 0808 2000 247

Or email (I started out with emailing, I couldn't say it out loud but I could write it down): [email protected]

Re the hostels - are they run for DA escapees or something different?

You said you had a time limit and after that you'd be able to move away from him, is that right? Keep planning for that. If things get bad in the meantime, your sister's offer could be a possible short-term solution - I know you said you don't get on, but not getting on (but knowing you are only there for a couple of months) might be better than not getting on and being abused and feeling trapped. I moved out to my parents' house for two months, and it was daily torture but I saw it as a stepping stone to get myself sorted before moving on.

Keep yourself safe lovely.

I live in republic there refuges with mixture in them frightened of my kids going there bit nervous,I hope to be out of here by Xmas cleared few loans I have first,big bust up here tonite said I was bad mother for working,he went on bender didn't come home Sunday nite didn't go to work Monday lay in bed til today,my son has delayed speech so they were running a 9 week speech programme for parents it was every Wednesday I could have got time of work but I let him go to it since he can take days of for drinking I said you can do the course I've taking holidays and unpaid to be of with them the summer,he never did any of the exercises he was given each week with my son not one,he would feel in a sheet before he would go every week and write things down that he never did!i said this tonite he said you didn't even take time of work to go to course I said you didn't do one exercise with him yet you made out you knew it all there was loads of things said,was cleaning around tonite and found the sheets he had wrote on two of them my goal this week is to get mum more involved with the exercises I'm fuming how dare he I didn't say what I found!

I don't think anyone would go into a refuge without worrying about it, about what it would do to their kids. There have been a few threads about what it's like,eg:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1905864-Refuge-What-is-it-like

I had a bit of WA help when I left (I had been emailing a support worker and she met with me a couple of months before I left and kept in touch for ages afterwards), and if I hadn't had my parents' house to move into I would have seriously considered a refuge. I had the same worries as you, wondered about what it would be like and the types of people that would be there. I had ongoing WA help after I left, support for my children, and we got involved in the WA's summer support programme whereby they arranged for day trips out for the families they worked with. I was amazed and awed by the women - both the amazing support workers, and the women who were there on the day trips - we were all there for the same reason, because we'd had to use WA's services, and we were all just normal women , you wouldn't have looked at any of us and guessed what we'd been through. It made a big impact on me.

Why not get in touch with the WA in the Republic (1800 341 900), just for a chat about it all. Not necessarily about going into a refuge, but just generally chat about what you are experiencing. Sometimes, just speaking to someone and getting validation and support can make all the difference.

Hi pony if you ring them would they call out to your house or want your phone no?

Madi - oh sweetheart. I can feel your fear.

No, they would just talk to you, or let you talk to them. I would guess that they would only take your number to call you back if you gave it to them and said it was ok. They totally understand about the need for safety and protection, that's what they are all about. It says on their website (www.womensaid.ie/services/helpline.html) that the number wouldn't show up on an Eircom bill but to check with your provider for anything else (and delete it from your call history after).
When I met my support worker, we met somewhere away from the house, at an Asda cafe.

Think I'm gonna give them ring to tell them my situation or I was gonna go to private counsellor?he was on the phone to he's mother last nite she works at a law information centre have to be careful what say on this,he said it for my benefit twice during there conversation,did you find that information out for me where you talking to that woman to ask her for me he said it twice trying to wind me up id be worried he would go down the line of trying to take kids think I'm being paranoid

Let us know how you get on talking to them.

FWIW, he's definitely winding you up. Speaking to WA might reassure you a little on that too. Hope so. ((()))

I will let you know pony thanx for listening to me,does sugar coated horns be on here any more?