Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Glad to help. They've not posted on this thread Madi, but you could always PM if you had a question?

Hi all - coming out of lurking to ask a question.
I have been looking for therapy to help rebuild - was accepted at a free centre, and waited 6 months for my first appointment.
Two of the therapist's first questions about the abuse were:
'did you retaliate?'
'Had you provoked the violence?'

I don't go back, do I?
Even if it is free. They also want to refer me to a GP - presuming they want to invade privacy and suggest pill driven solutions.
What do people think?
Strength to everyone

She also said we would look at 'why'
'Why' what?
Why is FW an abusive shit? - Who cares? Should I waste more of my life on him?
Why did I 'allow' the abuse - sounds like a slippery road to victim blaming to me.

Arthritic, my first question would be: WTAF??

Seriously, run and don't look back. Sounds regressive and totally unhelpful. I think your instincts are right on target.

There are follow-up programmes to the Freedom Programme, which aim to do just what you want from therapy. Have you looked into that?

Thanks Charlotte will look now.

Oh arth - what a horrible experience. Hope you are ok.

Can you go back to the organisation you originally spoke to and voice your concerns? If they don't know, they can't fix it for you, or for the next person. Six months is a long time to wait, so why not make some noise and maybe they can fast-track you to someone more appropriate not victim-blaming after that. But if it's an institutional thing and not just one therapist - yes, run. You deserve better.

Thanks Pony support means so much.
My first reaction was to get up and leave - but years and years of avoiding conflict meant that I stayed.
Then the weirdest thing was that I began to think it was acceptable to say that. :(
I have written to the institution saying what happened and that I will not be coming back.
Hope others have had better luck.

Hi all,

I've popped in and out of these threads under various names, but finally thought things were over and sorted with my now finally ex husband (absolute came through last month). He was abusive during our marriage and after, mostly emotional but occasionally violent and sexually abusive.

Over the last year things have settled down- we are both happy with new partners, were co-parenting 3yo dd fairly well and communicating much better. I had hope that in the future things might be ok. But he is now taking me to court to prevent me from moving for a job 2 hours away- a job that he knew about, that I talked to him about before taking and of which he was supportive. And he wants residence of dd. The final hearing is in a week and I feel sick.

I'm not sure that anyone really understands why I am so terrified. I thought I was free of his abuse, I thought he had lost the power to make me feel like this and now I am pulled back in, back to wanting to hide from him forever because he has yet again turned me into a terrified nervous wreck. I had a ptsd induced breakdown after leaving him, and have only just recovered. People irl are supportive, but just say 'he hasn't got a chance, stop worrying' but when the man who quite literally ruined your life, abused and raped you and left you a shell of your former self tries to ruin it again, and take your child, it's not that simple.

He's so convincing in real life, he cries and comes across as the perfect father. I have no evidence of the abuse, have never told the police/ss as I was advised he would end up with contact anyway, he was living with his parents so they were involved with caring for dd and I wasn't well enough to drag it through the courts. Now I feel stupid. I should have kept dd away from him from the start. I haven't slept for days and feel like I can't breathe- he's got exactly what he wanted, which is to make me feel like this, and yet I can't snap out of it.

Please talk some sense into me. :-(

Oh Knit, how horrible for you.

No wonder you are feeling like you do. He's taken you back to a terrible time in your life, when you thought things were settled. You are all at sea, and he is threatening your precious daughter which must just send your mind into blind panic. Rational thinking doesn't come into it.

But you can line up your resources so you are prepared and tooled up. It's not too late to speak to WA and get some advice. Will someone be going to court with you, do you have a solicitor?

Try to imagine yourself and DD in a bubble. This is his pathetic attempt to burst it. But you will keep repelling him. Sending you much strength.

hi Arth thats really strong of you to question this.. it really is. When such things are said to me i go straight back to doubting myself and thinking, well yes i guess there are reasons he had to treat me that way, that i'm abusive and so on... but when i hear you say it, its so clear that what they are saying is wrong and that you have the inside track on them, that it will be that road of victim-blaming horror... stay well clear i'd say and warn anyone you can too, as in raise it with your GP and any other services that you come across for the sake of other women who do go there and come out of it feeling guilt and to blame and possibly ending up back with their abuser where they started.

hello Knit when you say it, it makes complete sense. I have just said this to someone this morning... why didn't i react this way when i was with him, why is it all happening now, why this overwhelming fear, which has also spread to not trust others, not trusting that others have boundaries they won't step over, or will stop at nothing like him. its awfuland i really feel for you. I stil have such vile dreams, and DC do too. Personally, I think he'd really have to go some to get residency off you, but you do need a strong legal team onside, to get your voice across, and don't take any prisoners either, if they don't feel like the right representatives of your voice then move on because there are many that don't really get it and could let you down, so interview them and make sure you believe in the power of what they can do for your case to support it, that they won't wobble in the face of his tactics but stick with the facts of the abuse he perpetrated against you both. Huge strength to you.

Thanks Fi don't know how it would have played out a few years ago - before you wonderful women.
Update is this is what they wrote back:
'I wonder if the Women's Therapy Centre might have a group for victim's of abuse which might be more helpful to you.'
They really don't get it.
Think I will stick with the thread and Lundy Bancroft and the Freedom Programme and give up the idea of therapy.
Depressing how little understanding there is :(
So sorry to hear the shit he is putting you through - keep posting!

Thanks to both of you. I have a Kick Ass Barrister™ who is a friend of a friend and very expereinced but for now we're leaving the abuse out of things. The judge gave a favourable opinion of my case in the first hearing, and bringing everything up would delay things massively with CAFCASS reports etc, as well as making it look like I'm just making it all up since nobody has heard anything about it up until now. I fucked up massively there. :-( My ex did the whole court thing as an emergency by lying on the form, so this all landed on me 3 weeks before we move, next week! I don't want to dredge it all up, I just want to be able to go and start a new life, that I have worked for for so long.

At least I have evidence of my ex being a quite crappy and certainly uninterested father, and written proof where we discuss the move and he is supportive, so my case is pretty strong. Still horrendous to be here though. And its costing me the best part of £1000 for the barrister since there's no way I could be there with my ex without an advocate.

arthritic please don't give up on counselling. I had a counsellor who said something similarly tactless which hit me hard at the time, then tried another who I didn't click with, but then found one who I credit with saving my life. She was truly amazing, understood abuse, and worked with me for over a year to tackle traumatic memories and the whole load of crap that comes with abuse. I'm like a different woman now. I think it's worth persevering until you find someone, although Lundy and the online freedom programme were amazing for me too until I was ready to unpack everything in counselling (which was pretty hard work, I was a mess).

I have no idea of whatyour previous names could have been Knit based on your current one anyway but good advice there about sticking out for a good one, every now and again i do hear similar so we know they exist. Its a realistic and more resilient approach to take perhaps then to knowthis andprepare for all possibilities with consellors. Had shit counsellor experiences too, and its a very dangeorus business for a woman already on the edge! let me tell you and no probably not really funny, but it is very true that many women will go straight back to their abuser if handled insensitively and just because they are counsellors who claim to know aobut DV doesn't mean they do, so down to us to do the asking to be sure. I remember long time ago asking one and getting a stupid answer so left it there. Its a big issue in recovery i believe.

knit ...would be cautious about waiting even further before bringing it up only at the residency hearing, when it might look even more like sour grapes. Please understand i certainly am not saying it could even remotely be, but that it could look more like that, don't you think?

thanks arth

Thanks Fairy- there won't be a residency hearing, it's all being sorted out on Monday as the residency issue is tied up with my request to move. I'm hoping I won't have to bring it up at all, I agree it would look like sour grapes, especially as I have let my ex have contact up until now.

maybe you ould report things to SS and /or police so that its all on record, as much as you can recall/give dates for, because if anything happens first thing they will do is to check police and ss/gp's etc. do tell those around what he's been doing, before he starts trying to make it out to all be your fault. Especially if there is a chance of him trying to do residency application, then its already there and you haven't had to say anything to anyone in court statements etc., but it will be known and will have to be taken into account, an don't hold back, get everything recorded to protect your DC and you. Those that can protect them and you need to know this stuff, but you don't have to act on it particularly so long as they can see you are not putting your DC at risk and always take measures to protect them from the monster (never mind that they should be taking measures to protect the DC from hm - but apparently they can't touch him for it this is why you have to )..You cann't do more, then at least its there should it be needed?

I need some help. I'm hoping this might be the right place, I have posted on other threads and got some good support, but unless you've been through this horror I wonder if you can really understand the aftermath?

As briefly as I can... I'm now separated from my husband of 19 year ( this month). He left 8 months ago, coming back for 6 weeks then left 5 months ago for good. Over those 19 years he has abused me in every way, emotionally, physically, financially, sexually - you name it. I haven't known up from down until relatively recently. If he had been trying to utterly destroy me as a person he couldn't have come up with a better plan of sustained attack.

Right now things are "amicable", he wants (or needs) us to be on good terms for his sake emotionally. It's not until he left that we both, independently, realised how much I supported him emotionally. Propped him up, I should say. Mediated between him and the world. Until I get the divorce settlement signed and sealed and my locks lawfully changed, I'm going along with this charade. For my own protection.

We have 6 children, all mine from my first marriage. One of the worst things he did was persuade me I was an unfit mother and try to replace me in my children's affections. He didn't succeed in the replacing but he massively undermined my confidence as a parent. It's easy to type out a short sentence that actually only begins to hint at the campaign of hate he fought against me.

Despite him not allowing me to work for all these years, or do volunteer work or anything that wasn't directed at him, I have found full time work in a field I love, with training and prospects. This is some kind of miracle. I love my job, but I'm having to learn so much, everyday, that it's exhausting. But I'm doing well.

The help I need? From the outside I look like I'm coping brilliantly. I've lost the comfort eating weight, using MFP, and have worked hard at re educating myself around food. (One way he abused was to monitor constantly my weight. No hug was complete without him testing my fat levels. Yet he would always buy lots of chocolate, ice-cream etc and want me to share it). I have my full time work, I am happier, I'm developing friendships. My solicitor expects me to be "comfortably off" once the divorce settlement is through.

Yet, I know I'm horribly wounded inside. Damaged, maybe permanently. This is the first time in my life I am not in an abusive relationship. My mother was very cruel, she seemed to revel in our suffering as children. If my sister or I were afraid or hurt it gave her pleasure. My mother is dead now. My first husband was a dangerous abuser who would be facing a long sentence if his crimes were prosecuted. When his crimes came to light I protected my children from him, with no support from family or the wider community, the opposite in fact. Then I rapidly met and married the STBXH and hell began.

I have had counselling and it helped greatly. But what now? I want to put this behind me and build a good, happy life without his influence. Actually I am doing that, but I need some help, an understanding ear. Some understanding myself. I cannot understand why I stayed so long letting him wreak havoc. He was the one who left. Since he left he sends me scrolls of regretful, sad texts - more abuse really, not wanting to let me go. Dumping his emotions on me.

This is too long. I'll post it anyway, at least I've got some of this pain out.

Couldn't read that and run Rozalia

Here are some for you

Welcome to the place none of us wanted to come to that helps you heal

I really, really want to heal from this . And never, ever again be in an abusive relationship. I expect to be on my own for the rest of my life and that sounds good.
Thanks for the flowers.

more from me too... and a big welcome along with the sadness that you needed to be here, but pleased to found a place to let that out.

i think you've been incredibly brave in sharing all that and its a big leap forward, many women can't manage what you have just done, and from what you say you have huge survival strength!

You need loads of support to work through it all. I marvel and wonder at the amount you are doing, please try also to give yourself space /down time/rest periods. Even taking 1 x 5 mins a day to do some mindfulness/similar, jjust to get into the practice of giving your head a complete break from everything and switching off. I don't the ages of your DC but they sound as if they are older (the eldest ones, at least) so you might get the oppportunity to have breaks. Are the DC doing ok? do they need help too?

Reach out to your local WA, report things to the police/SS and these should refer you to others agencies for support also.

You are an amazing woman to have survived all that and be here today to tell your story, keep posting here and finding other supports too, to help you get through. Huge ((((hugs))))

pleased you found a place...

You have been on a horrible journey - while all the things you have now are great, it doesn't change how they came about, and so you can never quite step away from it. No advice, just recognition - it's a process, with backwards steps as well as forwards. When will your divorce be settled?

Thank you fairyfi. My children are in their twenties, only the 21 year old still at home. They are very supportive, today I have a day out planned with 3 of them and their little children.

I have spoken to WA and attended several Freedom programme sessions. They clash with my work hours now though.

Police have not been involved. The physical violence stopped about 5 or 6 years ago. Not the threats though. I think he realised I would go to the police if he'd hit me again. For years I thought I'd provoked it, that's laughable now. I was calmly, or tearfully, standing up for myself against his outrageous accusations, normally.

I do take time out, but not without feeling guilty that I'm not cleaning or something.

Things keep revealing themselves to me. Last week, as part of my work, I visited an artist at home. Fascinating place, lots of art, interesting objects. I expected my manager to comment on the clutter when we left. Of course he didn't, he'd enjoyed it as much as I had. STBXH preferred a home with no "clutter". No pictures on the walls, a very few expensive ornaments. Bare and personality free. I had put a few small things out and he'd go on and on about my clutter. Since he's been gone I've added a few more, but after the artist visit I realised that when I saw my few pieces I felt guilt and shame .

It's those kind of hidden embedded things I want to shed. As well as the deep hurt and pain and shame generally.

Your post brought tears to my eyes fairyfi, I've been so brave and strong I haven't dealt with the sadness.
I nearly put brave and strong in speech marks, then I thought, dammit, I have been brave and strong.

ponygirl, Hi. Divorce is only now really getting going. My dad died a week after STBXH left the second time in February and my SHL was aware I could only deal with so much in one go.

Sounds made-up doesn't it? A badly written novel....and then my much loved parent died.

He'd been suffering from dementia for years, a kind of slow death of the personality. But I know I haven't dealt with my feelings about it, just put them away for later.

Off out with family now, expecting to get gritty, dusty, sooty, tired. Am going to forget MFP and eat what I fancy. Should be great.