Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

to your friend too cliff - thats an amazing thing to do for someone. Now she's out i hope she has the right support in place to help her stay out and not get drawn back in to his web of lies again.

here, its like when someone dies, you know... you wake up in the morning and it all hits you again and i spend my early hours crying, so i get up and put washing on, or tidy the place, or do dishes....seems to make the tears stop! See positives in everything!

Friend has support from WA and has moved abroad to a place she has support so I think she will be okay.

Fi you sound like you could do with a friendly hug and a and as well. Cleaning and tidying help me feel in control and banish the demons too. Be kind to yourself!

Top so glad you could help, will your friend be near her DCs now? I'm assuming that they are older and independent. Hope she's ok.

fi if I've understood correctly you've moved away from the area?? To get away from his harassment? I think that must be very unsettling but a good way to get that much needed space. Is he looking for you, have you told authorities/police?

nini ...he really is cr@p, isn't he! I suppose to divorce you will have to agree access for DD? And maintenance? So, possibly better to do it now, if it means going along with his timetable but get advice from WA if you can, as it sounds like he'll be making sure everything goes his way.

Yes friend has DC in the place she has gone. She is so happy!
It helps to move away. I only went 15 miles but the mental distance helps a lot.

We've already sorted out both of those through mediation thats. I think hes already on the hunt for a new bride!

for Fi, be good to yourself today. Tidy if it helps you.

yes, left the area. I have no idea about police or anything else I have never toldthe police when I've moved before? Overall have cried a lot less today and manged to get out in the sun for some much needed fresh air and exercise.

this is just a temporary stop before going again, but its a lot easier knowing he doesn't know where i am.

and and all, all gratefully received and very sustaining right now!

I did start my own thread (just for support) but not much traffic so am joining this thread.

Welcome to the thread, tbtc.

Nini If it's all agreed, I suppose you can just let him run with it, what he does from here on in doesn't have to matter to you, was the 2 year thing only to save on costs?

I've had a weird weekend. H and I went to relationship counselling Friday night, a counsellor chosen by me who I'd been in contact with, very abuse aware. It was, I thought, really good. Because H was shown to be very selfish, self centered, nasty, bullying, harassing. Counsellor was subtle but firm, H learned a few things. Left without speaking. So. he's decided that he doesn't want to lose me (vom) and has spent the weekend holding hands and looking deeply plus admiring me (FFS) at every opportunity and asking in a soulful voice, 'how can I meet your needs?'... well, I'm glad we went, I'm glad that he got told that his actions were abusive and I'm glad that what he expected from counselling (he thought they'd give me a checklist of everything I needed to do, ostensibly to make him happy) didn't happen. OK. But...where from here... I know I have to answer that myself but it's been a great step forward to have the problem 'named' so to speak. Anyway, I'm such an expert (LOL) on abuse that I know no change has occurred..

So, two things eating at me now to remind me where I stand: 1) I had a call from a recruitment agency on Friday with a job I'd love to apply for, H has categorically said I cannot (he has his reasons but I don't care, it's a job I'd love to do) 2) he has dictated that if we sell house and move we will NOT move to the area I prefer (our area but nearer tube) and WILL ONLY move to an area of his choosing. I am aware that these are deal breakers, there's no way I can doormat myself out of this, so it just reinforces my belief it's got to end.

But now that he's seen someone, and I've seen someone see him IYKWIM, I can offer him a way in to an abusers programme. Not stopping the divorce process, but want to do it in a supported way. If possible, but I can always leave the country otherwise, I suppose.

Sorry for the meandering rant! Please don't think I am backsliding, I've always known that if I just disappeared I would go mad with worry about his actions, plus his business was will be in the toilet as he is an integral part of a 3 person team, they will all suffer if he gets dumped from a great height...I know that is not my problem but it is, really. Anyway, with him in a textbook 'nice' phase, I've asked him to agree that we live apart while we decide what to do, this has been done because I gave him the option of immediate divorce papers otherwise. It's going to create some breathing space, I think I will ask solicitor to email letter over anyway, got to keep up the pressure. So, on the down side, no progress, but on the up side, I feel validated, like I'm doing the right thing, and that I've got others on side. And I am going to apply for that job I think, need to get some stuff together first, I may not even get interview.

"how can I meet your needs?"
"Well, FW, you could admit I can choose whether to apply for a job myself, and you can not be a FW about house moves."

KOKO, thats, you're doing great.

Hi all how you keeping had rough couple days felt like getting my coat and walking out door so stressed,he went out partying with hes friends Wednesday didn't come home til Friday then lay in bed til yesterday I was working and looking after kids, he said I'd be prepared to go back to my mams house wouldnt put yes out of the house but don't want I wanna be a family,he said he's annoyed with he's life never having money minding kids and not going away I said your unhappy with your life and taking it out on us if that how you feel you should leave and stop making our lives miserable hasn't said anything more,he was back tonite trying to give orders again he's had he's fun now he wants to become mr serious again.the baby on antibiotic since last Wednesday which cost me €100 for doc and medicine he said this morning has baby to get more medicine have you been giving it to her I said since last Wednesday if you were here back to he's old self.

Sounds very draining, Madi. It's tough when you are the only responsible adult, even more so when it looks to the outside world like there is someone there to share the load... when in actual fact he's adding to the load considerably.

It is very draining I feel like I'm gonna have nervous breakdown, he started again tonite said the house to small for all of us that he's not gonna continue living the way he is with no money to get bigger house and no foreign holiday this year something gonna have to be done,I said me and the kids happy as we are if your not then leave,he brought the eldest girl horse riding lesson slammed the gate as he was leaving my daughter came back for bottle of water to bring with her, then half n hr ago he said why was gate open when we got back from lesson I closed it who was in the house did the fairy open it,I said your daughter came back in house for bottle of water left gate open.when will it stop!

Are there refuges where you are? Would you consider using one to make the break? I know your family aren't supportive, but you would get excellent support in a refuge.

thats so true Madi what Charlotte said about it looking to the outside world as if you're in a partnership, when actually you are carrying it all alone, and he is an additional burden on top!

How areyou doing Thats? especially now that you have had your further insights into his strange machinations, and wrong thinking. Is the next set of divorce papers winging its way now? A real resultthat you are each staying in your own house. it wont last, I fear, unless you enforce it? Do you feel up to that at this point? Pinning him down to staying out i mean.

I can't sleeptonight with activities that have gone on here the last few days. Been really unsettling and want to get out! (again!).

What's happened fi?

Yes I've got to build on the momentum, H called me several times last night so no peace, obviously doesn't think anything is permanent. I think he expects me out there this weekend. I'd suggested we give a social occasion a miss (BECAUSE I WANT A DIVORCE FFS) and he went ballistic so I capitulated, getting tickets so we'll go. I have fantasies of making a scene in public, drinking too much and accidentally-on-purpose doing something unforgivable, flirting with a neighbour, etc, that would make him 'dump' me. I've wondered about having an affair. It wouldn't work and truly I can't be bothered.

Still haven't applied for the job. He said if I took a job in that part of London then the marriage was over, I've got to go for it, no guarantee I'll get it anyway.

Thank you Charlotte

I'll just blather away for a little while if that's OK.

Today and tomorrow are tense days. Some tools on how to cope would be good. I work from home full time. H is not working today or tomorrow so is around.

I basically do everything (bring in all the money, do everything domestic, do everything related to the welfare of the children). He does some childcare and makes my life hell.

My solicitor has a letter ready to send to take first step towards separation, which I will send early July. Then things will get very, very much harder before they get better.

There's no woman's aid where I am,my family are supportive just no room in my mams my sister wants me move in with her but we don't get along and the kids don't either be a disaster do you think he's trying to force me to go,

Please help. I work from home. H will deliberately disturb me when I am working. Asking him to do it later will result in him shouting at me. I then of course get upset and cannot focus.

I am taking action to get out of this situation, but it will take some time. What he does takes about 10 or 15 mins. Rather than boil with rage while he's doing it I take myself away from the situation, but I get so resentful of this and just want to take my anger out on something. But I am meant to be working so can't just clear off for a long walk or run, or call a friend to calm me down.

I wish i could say something to help, tbtc. I keep thinking recently how much easier my life is without his frequent sabotaging of my work and plans. I suppose you can't take your work to a local wifi hot spot. The best you can do might be to keep a long view: let him do what he does and keep thinking of the time when this will be over. Can you hint to your boss about the pressure you are under and the plan you have which will improve your productivity?

I'm in a place where its not safe to leave the door open, and someone wedged it open so she could invite a friend in who was 'dropping something off' [she said as she took a toke on her spliff].... great! thats for starters. it's bloody awful. Makes you not feel safe again

thats, apply for that job. Go and do it now!

Madi, sorry for my misunderstanding about your family. I am glad they are supportive: having rl people who believe in you makes all the difference when the practicalities come together and you can leave.

I don't think he's forcing you to go. I think he wants to have you there but wants you crushed and compliant. The fact that you are your own person bothers him.

can you work from a library or somewhere equally quiet elsewhere tbtc ?

fi. I think I'd feel very jittery in that situation. Is there anyone who can help you stay safe there? Are you there for long?