Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Everything is going wrong here, I'm being sucked right back into the same old patterns H wants to put all divorce talk behind us, said he'd go to counselling but has backtracked in the most spectacular way, and now has found a property to buy which is my worst nightmare. We haven't had any offers yet and I feel so strangely enraged that he thinks he could choose a place for us to live, then when I say I don't think I want that area he launches into a tirade about how he knows what he's talking about, etc, and has railroaded over anything I've said. I'm watching in a detached way but have taken no action, I know I cannot go along with it and it isn't going to happen, I feel I'm letting him dig a hole for himself but I'm going to find myself stuck in the hole with him soon. It seems I can't get away, I'm suddenly dreading the rest of my life

Hey thats - how about just walking away? If he is in one house you be in the other and change locks, sending him a solicitors letter setting out clearly the reasons and that it will need to remain so for the duration of the divorce until things are settled and properties finalised?

Tell him you are telling the police, cut all communication with him so he cannot 'suck' you back in again.

i say all this because of the thread of strength that I keep seeing you demonstrate... your knowing that 'it isn't going to happen'. No it isn't, because this is your life, and it is your choice.

For some, me for instance, I would love for someone to do all that decision-making and take responsibility out of my hands. It kinda presses buttons with me that the FW never took any responsibility for anything, but boy did i know about it if i made the wrong decision, until i couldn't make them any more, I found I couldn't follow through on anything, but this is clearly a case of you don't want to be with him, and really do have options, you realy do. You have choices here, the best one to take would be to ignore him completely. Providing you don't sign anything then legally he cannot commit you to anything. Please keep your solicitor in the loop, BTW did you change your solicitor in the end?

Remember, him saying the divorce is not happening, doesn't change anything, it is still happening. it was served on him ages ago now and you need to follow up on that if you want out. I know you have this strength, and i know you can do this. xx

thanks Fi you are so spot on with your assessment but I was seriously thinking that I was wrongly giving him a second chance, knowing full well he wouldn't change, but thinking that we are so enmeshed in lives, properties, pets etc that perhaps I could muddle through and carve out something of a life for myself, while letting him set the course, he'd said he would go to counselling but hasn't accepted any times I have proposed so far. Hope this makes sense because we had a huge fight after I wrote that this morning. He woke up in a good mood, because he'd found a flat to buy that ticked all of his boxes supposedly, but my response was lukewarm. Of course. Anyway he started speaking in a loud voice shouting I guess at me to just, Hitler style, shout me down when I expressed ambivalence, I just didn't want him getting too excited about buying anything and I reminded him that 2 weeks ago I'd handed him divorce papers and that I wasn't sure I wanted to live with him when the fundamental problem is that he selfishly only sees things from his own selfish point of view, then he started going on and on and on about how much he'd suffered for our family, did I have no compassion for all he'd been though over the past 12 years living in a house that was so far from the tube station, etc... I totally lost it. I could have cheerfully strangled him, I didn't but I did 'attack' him in a way that if he'd done it to me I would have been straight on the phone to the police. I felt totally cornered, I have such a little shred of independence as it is, he wants to sell my nice house and buy a small flat in an area I don't really feel any connection to, then he wants to be even more controlling than he is now, of course. He did say to me at one point that this proposal was a compromise for him, what he really wanted was a small studio flat for himself in London, the other weekend house exactly as it is (it's all his place really, he designed it and I feel no connection) and a 'country' house for me, where I would be making jam and big sunday roasts every week... quietly and happily in a box, I suppose. I can see what he wants and why he wants it, but, Stepford wife-style, I cannot be that person he wants. And unlike now, while I'm sort of struggling to build a life, his vision totally obliterates any sort of life for me. Sorry about the long rant. at work and lots to do, but I got in 2 hours late because of him I think I need to disappear, for good this time! Still waiting for new court papers but I think that I am actually dangerous to H. I very nearly hit him this morning I did bite him quite hard and slammed him against the fridge

I think for your own safety you need out of there desperately thats - you need to control your own physicality at him. He could callthe police on you and any plans you made ruined as you answer to charges of assault.

I think its good that you feel this anger at him, but use it wisely to fuel your plans. You are in an enviable situation of being able to be separate without making one of you homeless! Use it to your advantage.

You staying and listening to him and being embroiled in his rubbish is making you late for work and risking the financial independence you need.

You sound very embroiled in his plans still, whilst seething underneath that you want out of them?

You are still talking his words of this life ahead for you both? Go for it before you get yourself in extremely hot water.

thats I second what fi has said - you need to stop talking to him about anything other than the divorce. He has succeeded in engaging you again, you are the only one who can put a stop to that. Stop reading his texts, stop taking his calls, find somewhere else to live if he wont move out. Otherwise, you will be dragged back in.

Do you need a better solicitor, thats?

His plan for two separate houses for you both sounds ideal. It'll give you space to keep on with the divorce. But why wait when you already have a home each?

You can't do this on your own - everybody needs support. You need a solicitor you can trust, for a start. And if you don't think you're strong enough to keep the process going, I think you could benefit from time in a refuge. You need that space for yourself into which he can't intrude.

Sorry, a bit tired tonight. When I said his plan sounded ideal, I meant it sounded like separation.I know that's not what he means though, and I don't mean to sound like I think you should be listening to him, because you shouldn't. AT ALL.

Find some space to dream of better.

yes .. find some space to dream of better

We should all find time and space to dream of better, thats lovely xx

Have any of you felt repulsed sleeping with him and have had sex with them just to keep things happy in the house cos you can't bear another argument I have sex with him and can't wait for it to be over that's how much hate I have for way been treated, I haven't been to woman's aid we don't have that he's in bad form last two days always picking on the eight year old I walked around shop this evening kids crying when I got back said he was mean to them he went to bed in bad form.

Unfortunately this happens a lot Madi - I know I felt that I was having sex just to keep him from kicking off towards the end (and sometimes in the middle of it too). It does no good for your self-esteem at all though.

Do you have a plan to leave?

how are you thats?

nini, are you settling into your new place?

Haha, don't even want to comment on sex issues atm, H seems to want it all the time, I'm not sure if it's part of the abuse package, another thing he can moan at me for! Thanks for all your nice comments, I was feeling particularly low yesterday, looking up a bit today but nothings changed. Luckily he left, house being on market is additional stress. Nothing more was said about big fight, I went out with friend last night to his annoyance and we had a couple of drinks and a good chat. I'm annoyed with this hot weather to the point of tears! I don't feel it matches my mood!

I have two loans from the Boom that aren't cleared until january,it €1400.00 a month rent don't have it at moment I said give me maintenance and I get place my own he said I won't be able give you any money,the house is in he's name a solicitor told me I can't throw him out,he's in arrears in he's mortgage he owes them last months rent cos he blew it and he's threatening me saying will be homeless you will have to get a loan to clear it I said when my names put on it I will.

I don't ever want to have sex again.

Madi, that sounds a good idea. Well done for being assertive.

thats, he wants it all the time because it makes it harder for you to leave. And to say it's over and mean it. It must be horrible for you.

I'm getting the silent treatment now at moment I can't put up with it much longer he went out this evening cleaned he's car for two hours OCD as well I think it's narcissistic behaviour what's your story Charlotte are you still with him sorry haven't been here since February x

He's gone to bed since 8.45 hasn't spoke to anyone not even the kids.

I left him two years ago and have been living separately for 18 months. He is rather narcissistic, would have ignored us when he felt like it, too. Nothing's as important as what he's going through.

I wish my family home was still around so I could move back with kids, my mam and dad are divorced house was sold I have no choice but to stay here wouldn't go to hostel with kids

Is there no chance of getting a place of your own?

Not until January til loans are cleared was thinking of renting one bed apt which would be more cheaper and us all just squashing into it and lying to land lord saying it just me and baby bit nervous incase I get in to trouble

I'm glad there's a cut-off date after which there a chance of moving out. Lying to landlord is tricky - could LL chuck you out if he or she then found out? Hopefully something big enough and affordable will show up. Make sure you get all the benefits you're entitled to, if that applies where you are.

Not entitled to benefits cos work full time,what is there problem is it control I wish he would just leave I walked the streets with kids today rather than sit here.

Definitely control. And a sense of entitlement. Shame they can't find it in themselves to be happy, given all that they allow themselves...

Got silent treatment again tonite I got in from work and he went upstairs he had gone to bed!hes moto is your home here's your kids,it like he not happy in he's life I think he resents the kids and he's life so just makes our lives hell instead,I think he would like me to leave but won't say it cos then he's made out to be bad guy to all the people who thinks he's mr nice,plus he's having trouble paying he's mortgage so if I left he would have to pay me money and run the house on he's own,the baby starting climb out of her pram my eldest ran in to tell me she climbing out of her pram mam while I was changing 3 yr olds nappy she said dad get my sister he said I'm not getting her she could of fallen and hit her head my 8yr old took her out pram for me what's that about!

Madi not in UK so not sure of systems there, but maybe chat to Citizens Advice or someone about your options, you might not be entitled to benefits NOW as you work FT and live with him but if you were split up and lone parents you might be entitled to tax credits/ lone parent payment/ housing benefit or something? I think at the moment you feel trapped because of finances and being worn down, and being only able to imagine yourself away from him once you've finally worked through all that, it seems very daunting.

However, if you started from the vision of being happy just you and the kids and work back from that, if you know what I mean? Laying it all out to Citizens Advice or someone to see what your options are might help you out of the trapped mentality.

I'm not down as living at he's address I'm down as my mams I get tax credit at moment but that's it I font get anything towards rent just €200 a month tax cred rent €1400.00 a month I'm frightened I won't be able afford it I've no family home I can leave and go to my mam in a one bed apt with my sister.