Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
Grapejuicerocks · 21/04/2015 17:53

Yy summer

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 17:54

StaircaseAtTheUniversity That's my plan (counselling before decisions). However, he may force a decision on me before I've had the chance.

OP posts:
Postino · 21/04/2015 17:55

I'm a bit concerned this thread may get "heated" again this evening if it's not moved to the Relationships board. Would you consider getting it moved Silent?

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 17:56

Yes, I'll request for it to be moved.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 21/04/2015 17:57

So when he says he's leaving your first reaction is that he's fucking with your head? Do either of you actually give a damn about your kids? Doesn't sound like it.

pluCaChange · 21/04/2015 17:59

Even if he leaves, does that completely cut off his parents (meaning, from your p.o.v. cutting them off as a source of childcare)? Surely it will be in his interests to "allow them to see their grandchildren"?

Postino · 21/04/2015 18:00

Sooner the better!

Grapejuicerocks · 21/04/2015 18:01

Even if he does leave, it can still be 50/50 just that you get to keep the house.

Coyoacan · 21/04/2015 18:08

You can't both leave, OP, unless you give the children to the grandparents or put them into foster care.

I don't like some of the judgy pants posters on here, but everyone else is trying to help you. It is not about scoring points between you and your husband or between men and women, it is about the wellbeing of your children.

MyIronLung · 21/04/2015 18:17

Op, you seem to keep changing your mind about what you want/feel depending on the types of replies you're getting at the time. At the begining of this thread you did indeed come across as very cold when talking about your kids and the overwhelming feeling I got from it was that you just wanted to not be with them much (or at all), and that you're much happier when you don't have to around them too much, that then changed to you saying that in fact it's not your children that make you feel crap, it's your husband and that they're wonderful kids. Now it's back to you acting all indignant that it's ok for your H to leave the kids but not you!

I agree that being a parent is bloody hard. 80% of the time I'm bored, unhappy, lonely ect. Dc are demanding and at times I don't feel like a I get an awful lot back in return for my constant struggling and the sacrifices ive made. That said I would never leave. I'm a lp, no contact at all with ds F but this isn't why I stay. I stay because I'm their mother and they rely on me. I love them (dd is 18 and ds is 3) and all of our lives would be much much worse if we didn't have each other.

I really hope for everyone's sake, but especially your childrens, that you can come to a happy arrangement with your H regarding who has them and when. They deserve to have a stable and happy childhood without feeling like no one really wants them.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 21/04/2015 18:20

I feel for the DCs, OP, but I also feel for you. DP sounds like a nightmare. I do admire you for facing up to your feelings and trying to do the best for your children. It must be hard for you. So I think YANBU, and I am speaking as someone who can't leave my DDs for more than one night as I miss them too much (now aged 14 and 12). I do wonder though whether things would be different/better without DP there. The counselling sounds like a good idea.

AuntyMag10 · 21/04/2015 18:25

Op you've changed your responses/ reasons so many times depending on the replies you're getting.

MrGegsen · 21/04/2015 18:30

If OP pursues her career and becomes fabulously wealthy, maybe 20 years later her ex (who would've sacrificed his career to look after the children) could sue her for millions. Just a thought...

laughingcow13 · 21/04/2015 18:30

I wrote a damning reply, but rubbed it out.
OP I think you have serious mental health issues that you need to get resolved.
Everybody has their moments with their kids whaen they wish they would disappear, but these are fleeting, soon quashed by the tidal wave of love you feel for them.Living apart from them would unthinkable.But Op your feelings do not sound normal, you sound cold and unfeeling.I think you are more mentally unwell than you realise.Now is not teh time to be making major decisions.
Are you having treatment at the moment? if not please see your GP ASAP

RabbitSaysWoof · 21/04/2015 18:35

Flowers Nothing helpful to add but I wish you luck.

Spero · 21/04/2015 18:37

I really think you should be careful diagnosing people over the internet.

Failing to feel a 'tidal wave' of love for your child does not mean you are mentally ill.

I do not feel a 'tidal wave of love'. Never have. that doesn't mean I don't love my child. And it certainly doesn't mean I am mentally ill. But I am certainly not as 'maternal' as many of my friends. I did not find her crying as a baby physically painful for e.g., as many did.

TheatreClog · 21/04/2015 18:38

OP, I think you need to think long term. I am also in training and when I split from DC father was working long long hours in another field. If he had been a competent parent and not a dangerous psychopath I would have happily given him residency. However. I just want to point out that 3 and 4 are very young and high needs and this lessens, and you could be unprepared for the feelings of leaving them etc. when you do see them. I also would suggest if you are working quite regular hours that having them both in school soon + regular/ish working hours is quite a good way of considering this - it's so much easier than the formative years and then if they see their father at weekends you get the weekend also. I'd urge you to think long term about how it will become simpler to manage, especially with their ages at present.

TheatreClog · 21/04/2015 18:41

I don't think you've displayed signs of mental illness at all. You're just being honest!
But try to change the way you think of your family unit. You have two wonderful children. You can make it work, so don't associate them with your past and with a relationship that wasn't working. See it as something fresh and have confidence in your ability to manage and manage well.

NerrSnerr · 21/04/2015 18:43

I was just going to say what Spero did. It is not appropriate for people to be diagnosing depression on the internet- who needs a medical degree?

From what I have read you both sound as bad as each other. You both made these children and you're now fighting over who doesn't look after them. They'll pick up on it, little people have big ears!

TenerifeSea · 21/04/2015 18:48

laughingcow13 Christ on a bike, that was harsh. P.S. where did you get your psychiatry degree from?

TheMagnificientFour · 21/04/2015 18:52

I love how when an OP is sticking to her first post, she is told that she doesn't listen. But she is taking into account what pp say *such as going for counselling before doing anything) then she changes her mind depending on the answers... HmmHmm.
Seems that she can't get it right can she??

Silent, I don't think you came out as cold. As far as I'm concerned, the issue with your H being controlling was right there in your first post.
You also clearly had a good thought about what to do best for the dcs and that leaving the dcs with your H, albeit an unusual way, was for the best.
All of which is a sign of a good parent that DOES care about her dcs (even if it can be argued that your decision might not be the best).

Don't let your H manipulate you to do what he wants.
Have a word with your IL DIRECTLY to see of they want to look after the dcs.
Look for a nursery/CM to look after them.
Look for any help you can get (child tax credit etc...), also have a look with work and the childcare vouchers.
You need to take control and take the decisions, not let him do what he wants and put you in a situation where you have to do what he is telling you.

I suspect too that, once he is out of the way, you will feel much better at home and more able to deal with the dcs.
Counselling will help with that too.
But please, don't let the dcs be with him. He is showing you he is EA and controlling. He doesn't care about the dcs (if he was, he wouldn't be talking about going away like this just to spite you.) You don't want to leave them with him, even if you don't think that you are a good enough parent. You will still be a better parent than him because you DO care about your dcs!

(Note: leaving your dcs with a caring father because you don't feel you can look after them properly because you are ill is VERY different. That would be thinking about the dcs. What he is doing is completely different and despicable. He is suing his dcs as a weapon.)

Spero · 21/04/2015 18:52

Professor Southall had LOADS of qualifications and he still wasn't allowed to diagnose someone because he saw them on the telly...usually you have to meet someone and consider their medical history before you can start handing out labels like 'mentally ill'.

Hurrah for the internet.

laughingcow13 · 21/04/2015 18:53

Tenerife why is it harsh to suggest someone might be mentally ill?

It is absolutely NOT normal for a mother to be fighting to NOT have custody!

TheMagnificientFour · 21/04/2015 18:56

I think laughing might want to read the thread more carefully and not just the first few answers.....

She might also not have a degree in MH that would allow her to 'diagnose' the OP like this otherwise she might not have judged the OP according to such preconceived ideas (such as mothers are supposed to feel a 'tidal wave of love', a totally not medical term btw)

TheMagnificientFour · 21/04/2015 18:59

laughingcow bloody hell. have you read the thread?

The OP is in an abusive relationship. Yes she is struggling just as any other person would. She is also trying to do her best for her dcs and was convinced (by her DH?) that he would be a better father than she is so she thought that being bwith them would be better for them.
How is that not caring for your dcs and be mentally ill??? Wanting the best for your dcs is being mentally ill now. Really???

Swipe left for the next trending thread