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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 16:54

Yep, mindfuckery indeed, all so YOU don't get what you're asking for!

TheMagnificientFour · 21/04/2015 16:54

And note too that what he is doing is putting you in the situation you didn't want to be in. Again....

I would actually put this thread into Relationship. This is where it belongs imho. And you might get better advice on how to deal with a partner like him.

pluCaChange · 21/04/2015 16:55

WTAF. Why would a counsellor say anything that categorical? Take legal advice yourself!

MyNameIsPinkiePie · 21/04/2015 17:00

You've been married ten years so his name on the mortgage only doesn't make much difference to a joint mortgage.

It's a shame things have deteriorated so much and seem so broken, to the extent he has an escape plan after one session of mediation. I've heard lots of good things about relationship counselling so it could work or it could help with the spilt and arranging childcare.

I'm in a similar position except the marriage is just about ok and I haven't escaped being a SAHM. The way you talk about working is exactly what I hope to get, and the quality time instead of having them for hours on end, it sounds lovely, much more like the relationship my kids have with their Dad. Luckily we've been able to afford some childcare so I can have a break. I'll probably be judged for that.

It sounds like you are trying to escape everything of your current life and this is driven by the marriage and not your parenting - you are not a SAHM anymore so it won't be like it was, it will be the manageable small chunks - in fact you may cope better with the weekday routines as opposed to the unstructured weekends. And continuing to commute from your current town sounds like a better compromise and you'll be able to adjust the arrangements as your emotions change.

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 17:06

If he leaves, then I won't be able to work because I'll have no childcare. And I can't leave at short notice because I've got nowhere to go.

So basically he's got me smothered right where he wants me.

OP posts:
nickersinaknot · 21/04/2015 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 21/04/2015 17:12

Well no, because he won't be there!

Paying for childcare would also be his responsibility whilst you work.

Nellagain · 21/04/2015 17:13

You will have childcare. You just haven't arranged it yet!
What hours will you need covering for childcare?
What's the company policy on flexible working? Will they consider flexible hours or condensed hours?
What maintenance can you expect?
What tax credits would you be eligible for?
Will this cover any of the childcare costs?
Don't forget the childcare voucher scheme.
everyone panics about childcare but they get it sorted. Your local council will have a list of childcare providers Have a look. He doesn't need to know what you're up to.

Oswin · 21/04/2015 17:15

Let him leave op. Apply for tax credits for childcare. Would his parents not still help?

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 17:24

So, wait, when he wants to leave I should "let him leave" but the same does not apply to me? What about the kids being damaged by his departure?

OP posts:
OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 17:26

Seems like neither of you want to look after your kids.

One of you is going to leave the family home. Your kids will need looking after and parenting.

It could be you, him or both of you.

Jackieharris · 21/04/2015 17:28

Find out how much childcare tax credits you would get as a single parent on just your income. Also be aware it will be easier the first year as they will base your awared on last years income. It's all a bit complicated with the £5k disregard etc but an overpayment to pay back is better than being trapped in a bad relationship.

Oswin · 21/04/2015 17:31

Op I dont think the children will be damaged by either of you leaving. An unhealthy relationship between you and him might though. Someone's gonna have to stay with the kids though. You could still stay in the house and do 50/50 care.

nickersinaknot · 21/04/2015 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nellagain · 21/04/2015 17:32

If he fucus up hos leaving then the kids will be damaged by his departure too. But he isn't on Mn and you say you want what's best for th kids.

Out of interest if you stick to the original plan and he decides to feck around and not let you have access how will you feel?
how will you feel if he just hands them over to his mother and you don't get them?

babyboomersrock · 21/04/2015 17:35

His parents are great with the kids. They provide a lot of childcare

So, why wouldn't this continue, whatever happens? I provide a lot of child care and if there was a separation/divorce, I'd hope to go on providing it. They are unlikely to be doing child care at the moment just to help their son - I imagine they enjoy their grandchildren and feel some responsibility for keeping their (the grandchildren's) situation stable.

In any case, no counsellor is going to decide for you - it's your marriage, and you two decide when and if it ends. You haven't even had the mediation sessions yet, and relationship counselling isn't a fast process.

Keep calm and think this through - mediation and counselling may help you to reach a solution, but nobody can decide for you. Your DH is probably trying to provoke a reaction. Don't fall for that. Say you both need time to work out what's best for the children and that you're not ready to make that decision yet.

There is a chance he may just move out, of course - just as you'd planned to do. Yes, I'd think that was an easy way out for him, too, and irresponsible. From your children's point of view though, it possibly wouldn't be so upsetting to "lose" him - you're the one they've been (mainly) reliant on since they were born.

I hope both of you can move on from seeing this as a competition to escape - at the moment, it does read as though neither of you is actually keen to have the children full-time, and that is very sad for them.

HeadDoctor · 21/04/2015 17:37

Some counsellors do. Remember there's no legal requirement for them to have had training. When I went to relate and exH said he didn't want to stay with me the counsellor just said that was that and we were back on the street after 10 minutes.

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 17:39

Counsellling is also about moving on and thinking about life afterwards. Especially with issues like the children, careers etc.

Just talking about these things can help.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 21/04/2015 17:39

So, wait, when he wants to leave I should "let him leave" but the same does not apply to me?

You let him leave because you can't stop him. The same doesn't apply to you because you said you have nowhere to leave to, if you do have then you could be the one to leave.

He is coming across as a very abusive controlling idiot so he will screw you over somehow. If you leave the children with him you will find that you are unable to return them after a weekend visit, he just won't be there which will leave you even more up shit creek or as a pp suggested he just won't let you see them.

Grapejuicerocks · 21/04/2015 17:40

I'm just a bit worried that if he is as bad as you make him out to be, is it fair to the kids for him to be the main parent? I know you say he is a good dad, but when he is under more pressure, having them on his own for the majority of the time, will he stay being a good parent?

I think once you are out of this relationship you will be so much happier in general and will cope better with the kids, especially as they get older. It gets so much easier when they are both old enough to be at school and become more independant. Don't assume that what you feel you want now, will be what you want, once you are free from this controlling relationship.

I think you are doing the right thing, putting the move to the different city on hold. The kids will be much happier seeing you regularly even if it only for the odd hour or two. The impact of parties and sporting activities shouldn't be underestimated too.

Try to think what is in their best interests when in mediation. I think a load will lift off your shoulders when you are out of the relationship and you don't want to burn your bridges too soon. Go for 50/50. I like the Thur/Sat and Sun/Wed split. You both get some of the drudgery, some of the fun time and you get a nice long rest in between to recharge you batteries. If it doesn't work out and you are still finding it difficult, you can renegiotiate. Use another third pary though and never in front of the children.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 21/04/2015 17:41

Echoing those who say you still sound depressed and I think that above all else you should wait until you've had some therapy and treatment for that before you make any major decisions.

Grapejuicerocks · 21/04/2015 17:47

Whatever happens don't give up your job. That is obviously important to your mental health.

Postino · 21/04/2015 17:47

I agree "He is coming across as a very abusive controlling idiot" and I couldn't think straight in that environment. Can you spend some time talking with old friends who know the real you?

Grapejuicerocks · 21/04/2015 17:50

I'm not sure it is still PND. I think it is depression and much of that could be caused by this relationship itself. I don't think it will help to try to solve that first by staying in the relationship. Separate then continue treatment.

Summerbreezer · 21/04/2015 17:51

OP, I get the impression that you associate your new job with confidence and freedom, and everything related to your home life with depression, control and arguments. Naturally, that means withdrawing a bit from your children emotionally.

You can bring your children into your new confident and free sphere. There are options here. I agree that you need to chat things through with your friends.