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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
TheMagnificientFour · 21/04/2015 13:45

Silent you are confirming what I thought from the little you said on this thread.
That basically your DH is controlling and is at the root of a lot of your issues with depression.

It is a VERY different situation that just you being depressed. Leaving your dcs with him will mean that he has a HUGE stick to carry on beating you with. Are you sure for example that he will not do his best to withdraw contact with your dcs? Are you sure he isn't going to tell them lies about you once you are out of the house, that you abandoned them because you couldn't be bothered for example? Do you think that, in that case, leaving them with him is going to be really beneficial to them? Not in a 'children need their mum' kind of way but more in a 'aree you sure that leaving your dcs with a man that is controlling the best you can hope for for them' type of way.
I know you think, atm, that he is doing a better job than you. What I'm asking is, are you sure or has he convinced you of that? Has he managed to lower your self esteem so much that you don't believe in yourself as a mother anymore?

As another PP said, if he is abusive in any way, couple counselling might do more harm than good and I would strongly advise you to have counselling for yourself first and BEFORE moving out of the house.
I'm more and more thinking he has been playing a big trick on you. Don't let him win.

Nellagain · 21/04/2015 13:48

But is it what the op wants grey?
They are so young and she is unwell with depression and living in an unhappy marriage. Things change. Plus whether any of us like it or not children at that age are more attached to their mothers. That's just part of the normal development.
I think it becomes more flexible around the age of 7.
I'm not sure that we have been told anywhere that op is actually a poor parent. Just that that is her perception.
added to this ops responses suggest that this is an idea she is exploring not ine that she is dead set on.

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 13:49

My marriage is all that gets me down. The rest of my life feels content. If I ever sink into depression, it is virtually always because he has had a go at me, and the depressed feelings (mild panic, loss of appetite, weepyness, you know the jazz) lifts as soon as his drama has lifted. So, I'm not sure if lingering pnd is an accurate diagnosis of this situation. However, that said, I am willing to try counselling.

OP posts:
LurcioAgain · 21/04/2015 13:51

OP, I hope you can sift through this thread and take some of the positive advice on board.

Can I just say that I think you're getting a lot of flack on here for "not sounding upset enough", and that this is an attitude I think is a deeply sexist one? I tend to be very analytical and formal in how I come across to strangers - this doesn't mean there aren't emotions there, just that I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I sometimes feel women are expected to let their emotions hang out, and are seen as cold and unfeeling if they don't. And it's a double whammy: be analytical - you're a cold bitch; be emotional - see women are flaky and can't think logically. Damned either way. (It's something I encountered a lot when on maternity leave and suffering from PND, therefore, by my standards, unusually prone to public displays of emotion - if I talked rationally to HPCs, they ignored me, if I burst into tears - they made a fuss of me, but still didn't allow me to articulate what the problem actually was).

Not all women find motherhood comes naturally - and the real problem is there is no way of knowing this till after the event. Fake it till you make it is good advice, though.

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 13:52

Does he critise your care of the children op do you feel they would be better without you ?

diddl · 21/04/2015 13:55

"I'm not sure that we have been told anywhere that op is actually a poor parent. Just that that is her perception."

I was thinking that.

Perhaps being away from the husband will change things & Op will feel more positive about herself & her abilities.

I also have imaginings of MIL doing a chunk of childcare & saying negative things about OP.

Or just bolstering up her son with the implied negativity against OP.

Hopefully completely wrong there.

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 13:56

Are you sure he isn't going to tell them lies about you once you are out of the house

He could do this in a 50/50 situation also.

Has he managed to lower your self esteem so much that you don't believe in yourself as a mother anymore?

I don't think that's the scenario. My self-esteem is robust these days, robust enough to take a step back and recognise that parenting doesn't come naturally to me. An inability to connect would be an accurate way to describe it.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 21/04/2015 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 13:56

I agree women are meant to be emotional women are supposed to be the fixers women are not supposed to walk away there must be something wrong with a woman if her heart isnt breaking blah blah .

Bonsoir · 21/04/2015 13:59

I congratulate you, OP, on being honest with yourself and others about your feelings about motherhood.

I am sure that you will have plenty to offer your DC as they grow up. It is IMO important to work out what you can and cannot offer, and to ensure your DC receive the essentials from another source. You sound very responsible to me.

TheMagnificientFour · 21/04/2015 14:00

You know Silent, when I had PND, I couldn't bond with dc1. I mean, it took me 4 years! to start feeling a little bit of attachement/bond with him.
And that was wo the influence of someone who is controlling/abusive/whatever your DH is behaving.

However, it wasn't that I wasn't cut to be a mother. That was one of the consequences of having PND.
So yes I faked it. For years. Until slowing I learn to love him and to bond with him.
Is it possible that this is what happened to you too?
Have you ever talked about that with a counsellor for example (I know I didn't and it's probably why it took me so long to bond witrh dc1 btw)

Oswin · 21/04/2015 14:00

Absolute bollocks do fathers who have there kids every weekend get judged!!
Most dads who do more than eow are regarded as bloody heroes.
This thread is awful. OP wants to do the best for her children. She doesn't feel like shes the best mother so wants her children to be with the parent she feels is best.
She sounds like a bloody good mother to me, one who has no confidence in the fact that shes a good parent.
Op, I urge you to seek treatment for pnd. If the marriage does break down then maybe 50/50 care, say one weekend day each and 2.5 weekdays each would work.

TheMagnificientFour · 21/04/2015 14:02

And yes he could tell lies to them on a 50/50 arrangement too but he will not have as much weight (because you would be looking bafter them) and they would also be able to see with their own eyes it's not true.
You won't get that in an EOW arrangement (esp if he makes it hard for you to see them too)

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/04/2015 14:05

When you say your marriage is all that gets you down, are you including the DC in with that marriage? Or separately?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/04/2015 14:07

I still have a niggling feeling that you've met someone else. Have you?

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 14:08

I see you are looking into relate also i think relate do a mediation service so you can sort out the children

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 14:08

If your H is controlling/abusive, then no, joint counselling is absolutely NOT a good idea and is not recommended.

OP - I like your honesty - but still fear that there is an element of his control in terms of how you view your parenting. Glad your self-esteem is robust; but bear in mind that you don't have to be a perfect parent for your children to still do better with you around then not.
And you need to be around more rather than less to counteract his abuse - they might be too little now to be on the receiving end of it, but it's almost guaranteed that as they get bigger, they will start to receive it too. Having to live with a parental abuser the majority of the time won't be the best thing for them at all.

Do go and seek counselling before you make any drastic decisions (SOLO counselling) because as others have said, once the stress of your marriage situation has changed, your feelings about your parenting may also change, and you don't want to be in a position of regret at that point.

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 14:11

WhatsGoingOnEh the children don't get me down. They're adorable and they're good kids. But this situation gets me down, and I just can't see a way out without a form of hurt.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 21/04/2015 14:15

I agree with everything Thumbwitch has just posted. The more you type about your husband the more I wonder about what sort of father he really is.

LisaD1 · 21/04/2015 14:16

I was in a similar situation with my exh. I had pnd after a traumatic 7 week early birth of my DD, he used that as a way to control me, went on for a couple of years, I thought I hated being a parent and was rubbish at it. With support from my GP and my parents I left when my DD was 3 years old, I seriously considered leaving her behind but with encouragement I took her with me and he had her a day in the week and half weekends. Turned out I wasn't a crap parent after all, I was in the depths of depression, exacerbated by ex h. That was 12 years ago, I have been with DH for 11 years, depression free for 11.5 years and now have another DD.

Please just be sure before you agree to anything. Once you take the path of being NRP it will be very difficult to change that if you realise it isn't what you want later down the line. I think your posts are coming across a little unfeeling but I do wonder if that is your defence mechanism. I hope you have some RL support.

IHateStampysVoice · 21/04/2015 14:26

OP I think you sound incredibly strong. And it's utterly admirable that you are so set on doing what is best and least painful for the children.

Your husband sounds like an arse, and that clearly isn't even the half of it given when you have recently mentioned.

Great that relate is happening but the reason for my post was that I went to the doctors recently for a predicament concerning my mental health and Im being put through for a mindfulness course and counselling.

I don't have to pay, so I would strongly recommend seeing your GP about personal counselling.

Best of luck.

namechange2015 · 21/04/2015 14:29

To avoid fucking up your children's MH I'd do 50/50 ish, you three days, him 4, let him have the weekends then you only have before & after work you have to 'fake it till you make it'

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 21/04/2015 14:32

To avoid fucking up your children's MH I'd do 50/50

And realistically, how many relationships where the man has left the woman with the kids does that happen in?

And why do you expect it to happen when it's the other way round?

At least try to be realistic FGS...

InfiniteJest · 21/04/2015 14:34

My mother left when I was 5. I saw her every second weekend and Wednesday night.

In some ways I think she had a lot in common with you OP. She had PND and was in a very difficult relationship with my father. She did bond with us, and was very 'mothering', but was so drained from being a SAHM and being married to a sulky, moody man. And she felt that she couldn't take me with her, because she didn't have anything left to give to me then.

I'm over 30 now and I can honestly say I understand the decision she made, and I don't blame her for leaving. We have a good relationship. But I do wish she had taken me with her, or seen me more frequently. I can't even articulate how difficult it was to grow up without a mother there. Every night she dropped me home from a visit, I would sob until my throat was raw. Maybe she would've been snappy with me, and more tired, and less connected, if I had lived with her. But she would have been there. I just wanted her, desperately.

I'm not saying any of this to guilt you at all. I'm worried you will stay in a relationship that is maybe a very unhappy, unhealthy one. I think you have every right to leave. But maybe consider staying near your children instead of moving to a different city - being available and present so that they know you are there for them even if you're no longer there all the time. And maybe consider having them for a little more than 2 days a week? You don't have to be primary carer, but going from living with them to barely seeing them would be an incredibly hard thing for them to cope with. And you'll have space to breathe when they're with their dad, so it won't be like it was when you were a SAHM.

I think you're a good mother. You clearly care about the welfare of your children. I've just told you my experience to try and explain that your children don't need you to be a perfect mum. They just want you to be there for them. I hope you manage to come to an agreement that works for you and them.

maplebaconchips · 21/04/2015 14:35

"My marriage is all that gets me down" - so dump him, not the children. If he is making threats, then please go to women's aid, they will help you get a good lawyer and support you through it all. Emotional abuse is every bit as awful as physical abuse. Don't leave them. Get some counselling, parenting courses, antidepressents, whatever it takes to be the mother you know you can be and should be.

And yes, Mrs Jay, a woman who leaves her children and her heart isn't breaking is more than a bit off. Try and tear me away from mine and Ild fight tooth and nail, and do not know any mother who wouldnt do so, nor any decent father. It isnt "blah blah blah", its human emotion and decency.