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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
nickersinaknot · 21/04/2015 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 14:46

Has any one asked the kids what they want. It really should be about them.

BarbarianMum · 21/04/2015 14:51

FFS Ratfink! Ask 2 very small children to choose bw their parents? Are you for real?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/04/2015 14:51

These kids are a bit young to be asked, aren't they? They'll just want mummy and daddy to stay together. I think when kids get older (10+ at least), they start to see more of the whole picture.

Postino · 21/04/2015 15:03

OP, I've read the whole thread and while I have nothing to add, I just wanted to say I'm so glad you posted here and I hope it helps you explore and untangle your feelings Flowers

curlyweasel · 21/04/2015 15:05

It's not about the kids making a decision. Their wishes and feelings about things should be considered. Mediation would address that I imagine.

AuntyMag10 · 21/04/2015 15:16

I feel very sorry for your kids. They are only so tiny, how will they ever understand why their mother has left them or suddenly hardly sees them at all.

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 15:16

Thank you Postino and to everyone who has offered their advice. We've got an appointment for mediation in a few days.

OP posts:
Missmonkeypenny · 21/04/2015 15:22

I think you're incredibly brave and honest, admitting that you're struggling. I don't have anything else to add, but I hope you get the support you need.

Coyoacan · 21/04/2015 15:35

the children don't get me down. They're adorable and they're good kids

The children of bad mothers are not adorable and good, OP. I think you are seriously underestimating your parenting abilities.

I split up from my dd's father before I knew I was pregnant but I know that if I had stayed with him I would not have enjoyed my baby. In our case, he would have undermined my confidence while insisting that all the work to do with her was woman's work (guaranteed to take the joy out of it all)

I am not arguing with your decision, just saying.

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 15:35

Oops! Just realised kiddies ages, obv too young to ask. Perhaps you should consider 50/50? However, it is interesting that your ex has backtracked now he nows you don't want them full time. Perhaps this is his way of remaining in control?

Fromparistoberlin73 · 21/04/2015 15:43

OP

please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont make any major decisions like this without counselling. and if you do mediation great, but get some impartial and good professional help.

Look lets face it, children aged 3 and 4 are hard hard work. and I can imagine when you are depressed and stressed that you feel like a shit and screaming Mother. so many of us do

But this is one small moment in a long lifetime of being a mother, and I suspect you might be more PND/depressed than you even realise

Just get some help and advice before you make any major decisions that will affect so many lives

if you are asking on MN, you aure as hell aint sure!!

Niloufes · 21/04/2015 15:59

I can't help but think that if the poster was male then many of the comments would be negative towards the OP's attitude. Your attitude really stinks and I would say the same to a man who posted such a rediculous question. Orcourse you are being unreasonable. If you wanted a full time job with no parental responsibility apart from every weekend or every othere weekend then you shouldn't have had kids. I'm sorry that your stay at home shift didn't work out for you, it is hard work, agreed, perhaps you should have worked part time and your family might have stayed on track, but you chose this life and so if anything 50/50 it should be. But if you really don't want it and fight for it then the services will probably back you because the kids have to be in the right place and if you are saying its not you then its got to be with him. I feel for the kids and how they will see you in 10 years time. You will be the bad guy. You are essentially saying I don't want you anymore because i'd rather be in a stuffy smelly little office, with no airconditioning, on a hot sunny day than be in the garden playing with you. The grass is always greener as they say.

shewept · 21/04/2015 16:06

Wow this thread is uncomfortable. If a man came here said he was unhappy in his marriage, was leaving his wife and didn't want custody of his kids, would 'happily' pay the minimum csa but have the kids every weekend, he would completely flamed.

If he then said he suffered with depression, I don't think mners would be jumping up and down to call his wife abusive and blame her for his lack of parenting.

Its not that I don't believe the OP, in fact she doesn't agree he is causing her to feel like this. But I am just uncomfortable with the idea its the husbands fault that the OP feels the way she does. Maybe she just feels the way she does. Why is it so hard to understand that some mums don't want to be the rp.

theendoftheendoftheend · 21/04/2015 16:10

OP glad you've got mediation sorted, I really think you might benefit from counselling by yourself though. Look up counselling directory UK, it'll list all those closest to you, their qualifications and specializations, in my area the going rate was £40 an hour but all said they could negotiate prices, I explained in my first email I could afford that so she offered £30 an hour and I go every other week. Itsreally helped me more than i imagined.

Jackieharris · 21/04/2015 16:26

A bloke who maintains weekly contact and actually pays maintenance is treated like a hero in my experience!

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 16:29

Update: I've got a telephone assessment tomorrow where they will fix me up with NHS counselling (separate from Relate). You are all right when you say that such huge decisions cannot be taken lightly, and so it is justly prudent to talk them through with a professional beforehand.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 21/04/2015 16:34

A bloke who maintains weekly contact and actually pays maintenance is treated like a hero in my experience!

Oh yes!! so true! My ex thinks he is a good father and he sees our daughter a lot less than what the op would.

OP I would happily agree to 50-50 with my ex, I am not a natural mother either. I think 50-50 would give you best of both worlds.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 16:35

Pleased to hear it. Hope it helps :)

glampinggaloshes · 21/04/2015 16:37

It's not about what YOU want. Be a proper parent, and make a joint decision on what is best for your children.

mistybluebellwoods · 21/04/2015 16:39

I hope everything works out for you, SilentPonderings - you do sound flat, depressed and disengaged and I didn't for a minute believe this to be your inherent attitude towards your children, just depression Flowers

More generally, I don't feel in this instance feminism means we have to mimic some of the less desirable behaviour of some fathers. It does have to be what's best for the children, and if that's you not being the RP, I think that is fine.

Don't worry - you're not alone!

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 16:43

Another update! He now says that if the counsellor at Relate declares that nothing can be done to save the marriage then he is going to move out. He's even going to visit his parents tonight to see if they will allow him to stay there if that happens. I'm assuming that means he'll be leaving the kids in the family home with me.

The plot thickens.

Game playing.

So, he's going to up sticks and leave the home when his name (not mine I hasten to add) is on the mortgage?..

...When he has just recently declared he wanted custody?..

Mind fuckery to the 9th degree.

OP posts:
TheMagnificientFour · 21/04/2015 16:50

Yep I agree, when a man leaves his DW and sees them EOW (a very common arrangement btw and one that a lot of MNtters would loathe to change as it would mean they wouldn't have their dcs most of the time), the children somehow get on with it.

A fully involved father who has his dcs regularly, looks after them when he has them can have a great relationship with his dcs too.

What is really detrimental to the dcs is a situation where one of the parent is being a pain, eg for refusing to let the dcs see the other parents or when the NRP is letting down again and again.
Which is clearly not what the OP is trying to do.

Re talking through your options, have you also thought about going to see a sollicitor? I know you are talking about mediation and that's great (and a good way to sort things out generally) but personally I would want to know exactly all the ins and outs of the different possibilities as well as what it could lead to from a legal pov (eg if you leave the marital house and your DH is the main carer what are the implications for you if he starts to behave badly with you/the dcs?).

You haven't said anything precise about how your H is behaving but if he is so controlling re 'his' terms for you to stay, I'm wondering how bad he will be in mediation and if he won't force you into a situation you don't want.
Fwiw, the fact he backtracked when you said you wouldn't fight to be the RP makes me think he isn't that keen on being the RP himself. He knows you don't want 50/50 so by demanding that he is already pushing your buttons (and succeeding!).
If he was that keen on being a full time dad with full responsibility of the dcs, if he was that good at being a dad and such a 'natural', I don't think he would be fighting with you for a 50/50. He would have said 'Great. You'll have them EOW and I'll be a parent!'.

TheMagnificientFour · 21/04/2015 16:51

xpost Silent.

So I was right. He doesn't want to be the RP. He is trying to drag you down again.

PLEASE bear that in mind when you go to mediation with him!

Postino · 21/04/2015 16:51

All strength to you Silent. And in my experience counselling is worth every penny, no question.

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