DH "not on board" with 4th pregnancy, please share advice with me

[MrsMcJnr]

I need some advice on how to handle a difficult situation please. I am pregnant with a fourth, unplanned baby. My DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 9 and have 3 beautiful children aged 7, 5 and 3. I do not work outside of the house at the moment and so DH is the sole bread winner. I have made no secret of the fact that I always wanted four children but as DH did not want another after our 3rd, I embraced what I had happily and thought my baby days were over. Clearly fate had other ideas. I have issues with hormonal contraception so we use barrier methods but they must have failed. We have also had several miscarriages and so 6 weeks (which is where I am now) is a very scary and emotional time for me.
I want to keep this baby. I have no ability to consider not having it. DH has typed a document entitled “Considerations about another child” and it contains 5 pages of arguments as to why we should not have a 4th child. It has been going between us for days with arguments back and forth in writing (which is better than verbally as it would turn into a stand off) and it breaks my heart when I read it. I feel like screaming that a point that might be relevant in a discussion whether or not to try for a 4th child is not when the child is already on board. He is basically saying he thinks it makes sense to abort and that that is justified based on his points (which generally relate to money and the lack of). I have told him that for me that is not an option.
We haven´t spoken about it for a few days. I know he is still in shock. As am I. I know it won´t be easy but I do believe I have my eyes open. Some days he makes encouraging comments like, maybe I should book in for the snip when you are 20 weeks so that that is not something else to consider when we have a new baby and that we´ll need a bigger sofa but other days he says things like, don´t take my silence as being on board, I have thought of more arguments for my list.
What I really want is for him to get on board. I don´t know how to reach that position or if it is possible. I do know that to make any other decision on the fate of this baby would leave me resentful forever and we would probably end up breaking up over it. I don´t know if he can get on board and embrace this without resenting me. If it were just me to consider I probably would be strong enough to say the choice is between staying and supporting me or going and not between terminating or keeping but we do essentially have a very happy family life, we love each other and most importantly we love the three kids we have and I do not want to break up their home because I have selfishly protected a fourth child. Does that make any sense?
DH and I are both volatile people. I tend to get what I want in life but then I have always worked very hard to make sure I have got it. That doesn´t apply to this other than from the perspective that he sees me as nearly always getting my way and he sees this an example of me winning and him losing. I cannot let the life of a child be seen in those terms and therefore I am avoiding confrontation and focusing on being healthy and looking after myself and the baby and hoping that one day soon he will magically be excited as I am.
Please give me any advice you have, especially if you have been in this position, what changed his mind? Is there a way to make it clear that I want the baby without it seeming like I am disregarding his feelings? Help!

But if they were using condoms then she can't have tricked him, can she?

She did state upthread that it was condoms. I am not aware that you can trick a man into thinking he is wearing a condom when he's not?

"I imagine he also thinks he was an idiot to leave contraception in the hands of a woman who wanted an extra child.

So, you are basically accusing the OP of doing this deliberately? Nice."

I don't see it that way. I saw it as if she wanted an extra child and a pregnancy was unplanned and purely an accident, there is a very high chance that she will not have an abortion. This happens a lot, especially young couples - they want a child someday, but not at the moment. When they find out the girl is pregnant unplanned and purely an accident they don't want an abortion because they wanted children in the first place.

basically, he should not expect her to have an abortion if pregnancy did occurred (accidentally), knowing she would not go for it. so he should took the matter in his own hand.

What if a woman have a religion reason, and will not have an abortion. A man should realize if he got her pregnant, there is no way she will get an abortion. This also happened a lot too.

That's fair enough, her body her choice.

Thing is, the CONSEQUENCES of that choice will be visited on all the family, in particular her DH who will be practically emotionally and financially responsible for another chid he does not want.

I do see any bending from the OP. I just feel her excitement that she will be getting what she wanted. Fair enough there is no 'compromise' about termination or not, but I dont see her saying - " I will get a job doing X"; or actually LISTENING to her DH's real, and valid concerns.

And let me say that 'looking after' 4 small kids is hard work, but 4 teenagers/young adults need less physical care but shedloads more emotional and practical support, they are also EXTREMELY expensive - it doesn't end when they are out of nappies.

The babty is there, but if i weer the DH I would be very very upset that OP is not listening to what I feel and have to say. because yes, its her choice, but he will be living with the consequences for the rest of his life...

not much different from 3 to 4 kids for holidays hotel rooms etc as mostly everything comes in twos. so you pay for six anyway.

what about cars? do you fit three in back seat in five seater car or do you have a seven seater already?

three bed place for four kids - - well kids can share it s not a big deal.

you could work - if he says your family income can be doubled by you working then do that and get nanny/au pair to help with nursery pick ups etc.

at the end of the day its your body.

but if he feels really strongly and resents you then this wont go away.

Oh OP, what a hard situation for you both.

Your husband's reasons against having a fourth child are all good ones.

But it is ultimately it's your choice.

If you don't want to terminate this pregnancy, then tell him that. And listen to him, his doubts and fears. And make sure he listens to you and yours. And give it time. If he's been a loving husband and dad to you and your 3 children then I'm sure he will be to your 4th. But this is something that will take more than a couple of weeks - and having doubts at the beginning doesn't mean he won't be a great parent later down the line.

(I have always wanted a 3rd child but dh and I agreed to stop at 2. He chose not to have the snip on the understanding that, if contraception ever failed, I would not consider a termination. I think that's a perfectly valid stance).

No lemonstartree, that's not it at all. The consequences for the failure of the contraception have already fallen on the whole family because the op is already pg.

I'm afraid I think a decision over an abortion is absolutely none of the father's beeswax. It's the woman's body. Of course the father has feelings about the choices the mother makes but the father can expect zero choice in the matter himself. His choice concerns how he protects himself and his choices during the sexual relationship, he has no jurisdiction over his partner's body AT ALL. He is not being forced into a child by his partner not having an abortion, he is, like the mother, having to deal with an unplanned pg, he just has no input to the choice over it once the pg has occurred.

I hope it is going ok for the op, I suspect it will be ok in the end as her DH doesnt seem as unreasonable or suspicious as some on this thread. Just a man in the throes of accepting an unforeseen life changing event and maybe not dealing with it in the best way possible. Hope so.

Thank you again. Most of you have helped with me with your words, experience and advice. I hadn´t read any comments for a few weeks and I have just caught up. I think on reflection that we are already in a slightly better place. We are just starting week 9 and hopefully all is progressing well with the baby. I am still waiting for an “early” scan. Certainly not plain sailing yet.

I took the advice that a few of you gave and whilst it was a horrible and very scary I did sit down with DH and explained in the plainest and least emotive language that I could that I would not be terminating and that he could not continue to consider that as a “solution”. I also told him that I realised that in the light of that he had two options and that whilst of course I wanted him to stay and for us to be a family I also had to accept that as a consequence of me wanting to keep the baby I might lose him. They were extremely hard things to say and I felt physically sick giving a voice to them.

We have DH had a few conversations on the subject. Some more hopeful than others. We haven´t been talking on paper anymore which I think is working better for us. I do think it was good that both of us were able to put forward all of our thoughts and fears in the early weeks in whatever medium however hurtful we both found that exercise.

We are at a point now where not having the baby is no longer discussed. We discuss our feelings and our fears sometimes. His remain that he feels too old and doesn´t know if we can cope financially, physically and mentally. Mine are for the health of the baby, the impact on our family and our relationship. Also that I might lose him when I don´t want to, because I love him, because I want us to be a family and because I don´t want to be without him. I have been trying to give him more of my time, give him more attention, empathise with him. I have also been doing some freelance work to bring in some extra cash although it is sporadic. DH has been initiating conversations on things like where people will sit in the car (yes, we have a 7 seater) and other practical issues. This gives me hope that we will be ok, that the baby will be born into a family where everyone is happy to see him/her. We are not there yet but we are certainly a tiny bit closer.

I have my dating scan in a few weeks and I am not sure whether or not DH will come. I will wait a little longer before I ask him.

To those who have criticized me for putting DH´s words up on here. Whilst it is a public forum, it is also anonymous, we do not even live in the UK and whilst I might have been naive to do that, there was no malice intended and I didn´t want to change his words because I wanted an accurate reaction to their content not my paraphrasing. I started this thread for help at a very low point in my life, not to demonise my DH.

Xx

I think it's been a very difficult situation for both of you. I wouldn't want to demonise either you or your DH, just because you had opposite, but equally valid points about DC4.

Your relationship with your DH sounds like it has improved now that you are talking face to face and airing your concerns to each other. I think your DH may continue to have big wobbles until Dc4 arrives, however he does sound like a good man and will adjust when the baby is here. All you can do is keep talking.

I hope it works out for you and your family, and all the best with DC4.

Good luck, OP. x

Hi OP. This sounds like definite progress well done. I'm sure when baby comes he or she will be very much loved by both of you and it seems there is a good chance you can make it work as a family.

Ask your GP to refer you to urgent family counselling?

That sounds promising OP. I wish the best for you!

I'm 37+ weeks with an unplanned DC right now and it is a lot to wrap your mind around.

I hope things work out for you.

Does your DH know you posted his letter? I know you didn't post it "maliciously" but it just seems such a breach of privacy. I would be furious beyond words if my DH betrayed my trust like that, in sharing a private communication.

Fingers crossed for you OP. It all sounds as if it is going in the right direction. Nobody ever regrets having a child once it is born, and boy is your child going to be lucky to have a mother like you!
All the best xx

While I think this has a really good chance of a good final outcome, I think you, like me, are not in the country of your birth ?

So, while hoping for the best is a very good idea, so is planning for the worst.

Do you know what Spain offers in terms of support for a single parent should any monies from your husband not cover all needs ? It's just is things are a bit tight all living together, it might not stretch well enough to cover 2 homes fully.

What would his position be on the children returning back to the UK (?) with the you if ploughing on alone in Spain became onerous and/or unattractive to you ?

Do you have a network of support where you are if things got really sticky and you were coping with 3 kids, a baby and the emotional fallout of the end of a relationship ? Who would be prepared to come over if there is no pre-exisitng support where you are ?

Apologies if I have made a leap based on your native speaker level English and you are both in fact Spanish. But, I've seen a lot of women get caught short overseas, not even knowing what they don't know, becuase being outside your own country can add a layer of complication to the already complicated. I've never seen a situation where children weren't better off with a forewarned and forearmed parent, even if the worst never came to pass.

you are having a very distressing time, but with any luck things will settle and everybody can move forward with best foot forward.

I don't believe for one minute this baby wasn't planned.

Unless you're accusing the op of poking holes in the condoms or switching out the water based lubrication for oil based, I don't see how she could have planned it?

Well, she does always get what she wants...