DH "not on board" with 4th pregnancy, please share advice with me

[MrsMcJnr]

I need some advice on how to handle a difficult situation please. I am pregnant with a fourth, unplanned baby. My DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 9 and have 3 beautiful children aged 7, 5 and 3. I do not work outside of the house at the moment and so DH is the sole bread winner. I have made no secret of the fact that I always wanted four children but as DH did not want another after our 3rd, I embraced what I had happily and thought my baby days were over. Clearly fate had other ideas. I have issues with hormonal contraception so we use barrier methods but they must have failed. We have also had several miscarriages and so 6 weeks (which is where I am now) is a very scary and emotional time for me.
I want to keep this baby. I have no ability to consider not having it. DH has typed a document entitled “Considerations about another child” and it contains 5 pages of arguments as to why we should not have a 4th child. It has been going between us for days with arguments back and forth in writing (which is better than verbally as it would turn into a stand off) and it breaks my heart when I read it. I feel like screaming that a point that might be relevant in a discussion whether or not to try for a 4th child is not when the child is already on board. He is basically saying he thinks it makes sense to abort and that that is justified based on his points (which generally relate to money and the lack of). I have told him that for me that is not an option.
We haven´t spoken about it for a few days. I know he is still in shock. As am I. I know it won´t be easy but I do believe I have my eyes open. Some days he makes encouraging comments like, maybe I should book in for the snip when you are 20 weeks so that that is not something else to consider when we have a new baby and that we´ll need a bigger sofa but other days he says things like, don´t take my silence as being on board, I have thought of more arguments for my list.
What I really want is for him to get on board. I don´t know how to reach that position or if it is possible. I do know that to make any other decision on the fate of this baby would leave me resentful forever and we would probably end up breaking up over it. I don´t know if he can get on board and embrace this without resenting me. If it were just me to consider I probably would be strong enough to say the choice is between staying and supporting me or going and not between terminating or keeping but we do essentially have a very happy family life, we love each other and most importantly we love the three kids we have and I do not want to break up their home because I have selfishly protected a fourth child. Does that make any sense?
DH and I are both volatile people. I tend to get what I want in life but then I have always worked very hard to make sure I have got it. That doesn´t apply to this other than from the perspective that he sees me as nearly always getting my way and he sees this an example of me winning and him losing. I cannot let the life of a child be seen in those terms and therefore I am avoiding confrontation and focusing on being healthy and looking after myself and the baby and hoping that one day soon he will magically be excited as I am.
Please give me any advice you have, especially if you have been in this position, what changed his mind? Is there a way to make it clear that I want the baby without it seeming like I am disregarding his feelings? Help!

I think you have to accept that your DH may never come round to a 4th baby. It is absolutely your choice to keep the baby but your DH may decide he doesn't want to stick around.

I'm not sure that being home in the evening and doing whatever they normally do in the evening whilst this time being in charge of a sleeping sibling or two is really "childminding" though.

Certainly DSs have never seen it like that on the rare occasions I've had to leave them in charge of their sister (usually to go to something related to the other DS)

And I don't have an issue in any family with each member of the family being raised to understand that they have a responsibility to the other members and a family as a whole. It's about how you manage it. Ask for reasonable help and expect to find it in a family member who is able to do it - whether that's a parent paying for uni, a son caring for his elderly mother or an older child doing some babysitting.

If I needed/wanted to go out socialising and needed to leave one of my DSs in charge of their sibling, I would hope they'd do it for free but otherwise I would bribe them. Probably by changing the WiFi password and refusing to tell them

They never seem bothered - probably because I'm not out every night of he week, partying.

And while I think helping reassure him about his worries is a good thing I don't think you should pay for your sin in getting pregnant by sacrificing yourself.

I'm surprised people have a problem with occasional baby sitting. Do your children do no family chores at all?

I wouldn't write him off completely if he had concerns that you'd done it deliberately initially while he is shocked but if he really feels that he doesn't trust you underneath and that's problematic for the relationship new baby or not.

"I was genuinely excited when you told me this news last night. Part of me does think it would be wonderful to have another squashie!!

-I put your friend´s baby into and out of the car last week and it was fun holding him, albeit only for a few seconds. But when it´s your own baby is 24/7/365 it´s bloody hard work. Do you think we can cope?"

This ^^ tells me he will come around.

Your DH is getting a bit of a hard time on this thread. It's well and good saying "if he didn't want more kids he should have had the snip" but OP could have been sterilised or had a non-hormonal coil put in.

It sounds like your poor husband is going to have to go along with this because "you always get what you want". That statement sounds pretty bratty.

I was honestly prepared to flame him for his "list" of reasons not to have another child but actually he has put forward many practical issues which are clearly troubling him.

I think you need to ask him what he would do if you did choose to keep this baby. If he says "sorry but I would have to leave," then you have to decide whether or not breaking your family up is worth it for the sake of getting what you want. Do you think your DC will resent their sibling in the future if this sibling is the reason their parents are no longer together?

This is an impossible situation, really. But he's made it worse with his "document": however valid his points, it's a cold hearted thing to do. And to tell you he's thought of more things to add to it, well, that must be a punch in the gut.

I also don't understand why the OP is getting a hard time over "always getting her way" and "steamrollering" over his wishes? Whenever there's a thread on an unplanned pregnancy, the responses are always "your body your choice" and that's how it should be? Why does that not apply to the OP here?

I think all his reasons are very valid and understandable. And very well thought out. He sounds to me like a good man.

But he needs to understand that a termination is just not a possibility for you. You need to explain that to him. Only when he absolutely knows that is 100% off the cards will he be able to understand the situation he is in.

But of course he may never come to terms with it, which is a risk you have to take.

I suggest you could try to alleviate some of his concerns around money and time together?

Not sure how but he's clearly worried about your relationship and money for another set of 'baby years'!

He's the one who said he doesn't want anymore though. I don't think the op should have been the one to get sterilised/the coil when it would not be her choice to stick on three. It would have been unfair of him to expect her to do that. Vasectomy is much less difficult and more successful that sterilisation which involves a general - general is dangerous!

I can see exactly why he is not happy. He is the sole breadwinner and financially responsible for five people soon to be six. I think you should consider getting an evening job so the total burden does not fall on him. And be more responsible about contraception in future.

I think he's in shock and he's scared about how you will all cope and I agree with what lia just said, I think he will come around eventually, but you can't make him and you can't insist on it. If he feels angry and massively disappointed then you have to just let him be - he is entitled to be angry and disappointed. His life and his plans are going to change and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it.

He sounds overwhelmed and under an awful lot of pressure to provide financially and just as he thought it might all start to get easier, this happens! Imagine how horrible it must be being the one who has no control over anything now. Having massive, life changing decisions made for you. It doesn't matter what he says or how he feels because he's over a barrel and powerless. That's not a very nice position to be in.

And actually I agree with him about being 41, already having three healthy happy children of both sexes and not pushing your luck. I agree with him about the flat, and all of it really.

But in the end it doesn't matter. You want this baby and you will have it no matter what. You always wanted a fourth baby. I doubt you ever fully accepted that there might not be a fourth baby. And now you have what you want. I think in times of stress and financial hardship over the next few years you are going to have to take it on the chin a little bit when he says 'well this is what you wanted, remember?' Hopefully he'll come around and everything will be fine as he sounds like a good man, but if the pressures of it break up your marriage you can't say you weren't warned.

Hang on a minute OP. Does your dh know that no contraception is 100% effective?

If so, he knew that there was always a risk every time he had sex with you.

If he really, really did not want more children he should either have had the snip or abstained from sex.

These are his responsibilities, no-one else's.

Why don't you talk to him about that first. Until he accepts that I don't see how you can move forward. There is no compromise to be had. Either he is going to support the woman he impregnated, or he's not. Phrase it that way and don't let him sidetrack the discussion.

It sounds to me (I could be wrong) that he will support "the woman he impregnated" because (I could be wrong) he sounds like a decent bloke.

I really feel for BOTH the op and her DH. There aren't any easy answers. Either way someone will be sad, someone will feel resentful, someone will be upset.

All you can do is minimise the hurt and (in her shoes) - I'd think, sod what I want and what DH wants. What about our three existing DCs?

Hang on a minute OP. Does your dh know that no contraception is 100% effective?

If so, he knew that there was always a risk every time he had sex with you.

If he really, really did not want more children he should either have had the snip or abstained from sex.

Sheesh, why does no-one ever say that to a woman? It's not a reason to abolish abortion, is it?

Can you imagine? 'Well Madame you are just going to have to have this baby and it's tough titty. If you weren't prepared to accept that you might get PG even with BC then you should have just abstained from sex.

For those saying it's worse because he wrote it all down, maybe her husband finds it easier to express himself on paper. Maybe it's difficult for him to say all that when the OP is sitting there crying. Maybe she keeps interrupting him, when he wants to have the chance to say what he thinks. I don't think anyone would be so crass as to keep the document once the child is born.

I agree IB

Her feelings are more important than his. She is overruling him, and that's absolutely fine. Because she's the one who'd be having the abortion.

What a difficult situation OP. It was not appropriate for him to present you with a typed list of reasons, and the picture you paint here is generally of someone who isn't taking his own culpability for this situation at all seriously. His points are all very good reasons why it would've been a bad idea to try for a 4th. Or why he should've got the snip, or why you should both have stuck to oral. They're not reasons why you ought to have an abortion against your wishes now. The time for them has been and gone. With that said, you can't make him feel how you want him to feel about the pregnancy. That is what it is. He has an obligation to provide support, and if he wants to be a reasonable human being he needs to understand that this is his fault every bit as much as it it yours, but you can't expect any more than that.

I'm not sure you 'compromising' by getting a job is going to be beneficial either, as some other posters have suggested. Even assuming you find something in a crap economy with 4 children to look after, you working would likely mean DH having to take up some of the slack domestically. That may not actually be to his liking. I'm not saying don't work, just that it won't necessarily make family life any easier if you do.

Back - I'm not sure any grown woman at risk of pregnancy needs to be told no method is 100% effective. We all accept that risk everytime we have sex and worry when our period doesn't behave as normal...

And to keep referring to it as 'a document' makes it sound cold and clinical. All he has done, clearly, is to pour out his feeling and his fears in a letter to her, because trying to say everything he wants to say without getting sidetracked is difficult.

Sheesh, why does no-one ever say that to a woman? It's not a reason to abolish abortion, is it?

Can you imagine? 'Well Madame you are just going to have to have this baby and it's tough titty. If you weren't prepared to accept that you might get PG even with BC then you should have just abstained from sex.

I'll tell you exactly why. It's because women have no choice but to accept that they might get pregnant even with contraception, and then to accept the consequences. Which are to continue with the pregnancy until it ends by either miscarriage or birth, or to have an abortion. Pretty much all women understand this: if you get pregnant, it's going to end in one of those three ways. Unless you die I suppose, but that's not very common. The mistake you make here is removing abortion from the list of possible consequences, and that's why the argument you make is invalid.

Also, people tell women on here that they had a chance of getting pregnant if they had PIV sex even if they used contraception all the time. Like, most weeks there's a thread like this.

Sheesh, why does no-one ever say that to a woman?

I was talking about this particular man and these particular circumstances. OP has said that she was not against another child, she would in fact like to have a fourth one.

It is up to the person who does not want a child to ensure that they don't create one. In this case, that is her dh.

I understand you are in Spain. Of course the morning after pill exists and it is available (for some reason I needed to clarify this).
It is a very difficult situation to be in, for both your husband and you.