DH "not on board" with 4th pregnancy, please share advice with me

[MrsMcJnr]

I need some advice on how to handle a difficult situation please. I am pregnant with a fourth, unplanned baby. My DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 9 and have 3 beautiful children aged 7, 5 and 3. I do not work outside of the house at the moment and so DH is the sole bread winner. I have made no secret of the fact that I always wanted four children but as DH did not want another after our 3rd, I embraced what I had happily and thought my baby days were over. Clearly fate had other ideas. I have issues with hormonal contraception so we use barrier methods but they must have failed. We have also had several miscarriages and so 6 weeks (which is where I am now) is a very scary and emotional time for me.
I want to keep this baby. I have no ability to consider not having it. DH has typed a document entitled “Considerations about another child” and it contains 5 pages of arguments as to why we should not have a 4th child. It has been going between us for days with arguments back and forth in writing (which is better than verbally as it would turn into a stand off) and it breaks my heart when I read it. I feel like screaming that a point that might be relevant in a discussion whether or not to try for a 4th child is not when the child is already on board. He is basically saying he thinks it makes sense to abort and that that is justified based on his points (which generally relate to money and the lack of). I have told him that for me that is not an option.
We haven´t spoken about it for a few days. I know he is still in shock. As am I. I know it won´t be easy but I do believe I have my eyes open. Some days he makes encouraging comments like, maybe I should book in for the snip when you are 20 weeks so that that is not something else to consider when we have a new baby and that we´ll need a bigger sofa but other days he says things like, don´t take my silence as being on board, I have thought of more arguments for my list.
What I really want is for him to get on board. I don´t know how to reach that position or if it is possible. I do know that to make any other decision on the fate of this baby would leave me resentful forever and we would probably end up breaking up over it. I don´t know if he can get on board and embrace this without resenting me. If it were just me to consider I probably would be strong enough to say the choice is between staying and supporting me or going and not between terminating or keeping but we do essentially have a very happy family life, we love each other and most importantly we love the three kids we have and I do not want to break up their home because I have selfishly protected a fourth child. Does that make any sense?
DH and I are both volatile people. I tend to get what I want in life but then I have always worked very hard to make sure I have got it. That doesn´t apply to this other than from the perspective that he sees me as nearly always getting my way and he sees this an example of me winning and him losing. I cannot let the life of a child be seen in those terms and therefore I am avoiding confrontation and focusing on being healthy and looking after myself and the baby and hoping that one day soon he will magically be excited as I am.
Please give me any advice you have, especially if you have been in this position, what changed his mind? Is there a way to make it clear that I want the baby without it seeming like I am disregarding his feelings? Help!

He needs to understand his responsibility for fertility begins when he puts his dick inside you not when a baby is born.

I'd be really upset at this. Our third DC was unplanned, and dh turned to me when we found out and said 'What can we do?' And I said, 'We can't do anything now!'

That was the closest we came to talking about a termination, he knew straight away I wouldn't consider it, so he didn't mention it again. He got the snip once I was 30 weeks, and ds is now four and we all adore him and can't imagine life without him.

I think the best thing you can do is go along and mention it as little as possible. Every time you discuss it will cause an argument until he has come to terms with it, so I would try not to trigger any discussions and wait until he is ready to talk sensibly, instead of demanding you take sole responsibility for 'fixing' a 'problem' you both inadvertently caused at the expense of your own future happiness.

Did you deliberately get pregnant OP? Or was it really an accident?

I live in a 4 bed with four dc btw... You don't need a minimum of 4 beds, we found we don't even use the fourth bedroom because it'd cause fights about one getting preferential treatment by having their own room. We're moving soon to a 3 bed.

Given you wanted a fourth and state you "always get your own way" it's little wonder he is upset. He made it clear he didn't want another child.

Using condoms is very safe at about a 98% effectiveness and it's very easy t see when they have failed and to get the MAP then.

He can't force you to terminate but neither can you force him to stay.

All his points are well made and entirely practical, not only with respect to the family finances but also about his relationship with you. By your own admission OP you are over-ruling him and basically saying that your feelings are more important than his. You accepted that after 3 that was it and now you are pushing for 4, no wonder he is not happy. You are at risk of losing him over this - maybe not physically but possibly emotionally.

My exW and I had similar discussions regarding 2 vs 3 - she would have quite happily kept having babies without any consideration of the cost or the impact of more children on the family as a whole. If you can't afford more children then don't have them.

Using condoms perfectly still has a 2% failure rate ergo when there are no obvious signs they have failed they can still fail...

When my ex husband and I were sure we didn't want a baby we doubled up protection. If he was sure he never wanted another he should have got the snip and used condoms as well and op would have been fine with that because she respected his feelings and was happy to settle on 3.

He needs to return the favour, respect your feelings about abortion and take responsibility for not having got the snip earlier.

After the baby gets here, knowing the dad wanted to abort (strongly wanted to abort) is always simmering in the background. Forever.

Intlman - all well and good BEFORE you get pregnant. Abortion is not just another form of contraception you know!

Go through the list and consider and answer all his points. Concede the ones where he is right, find solutions where you can.

WRT child free time - in 7 years the eldest will probably be able to baby sit long enough for you to have a meal out. 7 years seems a very long time but don't underestimate the usefulness of older siblings.

You accepted that after 3 that was it and now you are pushing for 4

She isn't pushing for 4. There are 4.

You have your child's name in that email btw.

Does your DH know you have copied and pasted his email onto a public forum?

Your body your choice but you have to be prepared and accept the consequences. This may include returning to work and the end of your relationship.

My second is a baby from rape, he even denied paternity and refused to have access with her at the start. It is not unmanageable and she even has a good relationship and regular contact with her dad - not true that it is always simmering. Those things should be kept private from the child and that is totally possible if you are adults about it.

Your body your choice but why the heck didn't either you (get tubes tied or something) or he (snip) if you really didn't want kids. Barrier methods are never fail-safe and to be honest you're being quite naive to assume your babymaking days are over at 41...

His points are valid, yours are too.

and I have to say I agree with Imperial re always get your own way... this means you're basically steamrollering over what your DH thinks... and is about a baby, a responsibility for the next god knows how many years! It does sound to me as if you blindly decided to take a chance on getting pregnant and then thought that your DH would blithely go along with it.

To be honest a few lesser men that I know of than this would potentially have more of an issue than a 5 page document. I just also don't think you're looking at the bigger picture for all your family. sorry if all this sounds harsh.

Off on a tangent I know but Soup why should the older ones be childminding? The OP wanted another child, the siblings got no say in that and certainly shouldn't be doing the looking after of it. It breeds resentment especially in larger families where there is usually little time and money.

I have reported your post OP to take your child's name out

I have considered terminating all 3 of my pregnancies and did terminate one. (I have been pregnant 4 times and had one termination.)

I do not like being pregnant. I do not like my children when they are inside me. They make me sick and they make me uncomfortable and they make me frightened.

When they are born I love them to pieces.

In all honesty the "what sort of man" posts make me feel bad as I have done similar - written up the cons. It's just hard to love a baby that is not yet born for some people and I am one of them.

I don't have the answers for you OP but I don't think your husband is unreasonable but it boils down to your choice. I know what I'd do but I'm not you.

The issue is not anything to do with the future. Everytime there is any pregnancy there are money worried and uncertainty and adjustment. The issue is that he is treating this situation as though it can be prevented after it has already happened. It has happened. He needs to understand that before anyone can move forward.

I went to the dr with him to get the vasectomy papers last year. For some reason he didn´t fill them in or take them back. We were using condoms but something must have gone wrong. I also avoid fertile days but must have ovulated later this cycle. It was simply an accident.
Imperial – that is the problem with writing, I did not intend to make it sound as if I am a spoilt, selfish person who gets her own way through bullying others, I meant that I have always had a can-do attitude, positive in the face of adversity whereas DH always starts from a negative stance. I am not in the UK. We do not have the morning after pill here and I could not take it anyway as I have a blood clotting disorder. I would have to have the child surgically removed from me. True we all live on DH´s salary as a staple but I make as much as I can each month when I can.
Happiness – one of the main reasons I haven´t been formally working for the last year (my youngest is at state nursery, mainly to learn to speak Spanish before he starts school in September) is because part time working is very hard to find here. I put myself forward for whatever I can but often I have to change plans because of a sick child as I am sure you know. They do take babies from 4 months here at nursery. We haven´t done that with the others but if there was a job that fitted around collecting them all in the afternoon of course I would take it. I would add that DH´s job often takes him out in the evening and at weekends and therefore the fact that I am normally around to be with the kids frees him up to work more.

Thank you all for your input, I do appreciate all your comments.

He can't make you abort, you can tell him it's not going to happen.

However, you can't make him want this baby. You can't make him love this baby. You can't make him not care about the negatives of having a 4th child.

You can't do that. You can only have the baby and hope it works out for the best.

You 'always get what you want' is quite telling, you are used to getting yoru own way - well right now, there's no way to get your own way, which is to have a 4th DC with your Dh wanting it.

You need to also get on board with that - you are having a 4th child that your DH doesnt want. You will have to sholder a lot more of the responsibility of that child, you arne't going to have a supportive and happy man about it. He migth meet the baby and fall madly in love with him/her, completely forgetting his feelings now, but he might not, and you can't bank on that.

Ultimately, you don't know if this will break your marriage or not, he might be fine. But if abortion isn't an option for him, tell him that then deal with the fact he's not happy without trying to change his mind about it.

Off on a tangent I know but Soup why should the older ones be childminding?

At 14, payment!!

Thank you for removing my DS´s name, it was an oversight. I didn´t just cut and paste but I forgot to take the names out. I am feeling a bit emotional.

If he understands that it has already happened and therefore his list of worries is a list that has to be turned into plans on how to make the best of things things might change. He may well just be in shock and come round if you go through the worries and make them seem less frightening once he has calmed down and accepted that it is too late to change it now - that despite originally wanting a fourth you didn't want this situation and you had done all you could to prevent it.

oh yes and I also felt a bit sorry for the older DCs with Soup's assumption - I always find in larger families, there's an assumption older ones will help out, it's rarely a choice. It seems unfair compared to their friends with smaller families who aren't expected to do any of the parenting jobs.

Older siblings aren't free 'mother's help' staff - really shitty when people use them that way. (Big difference if they offer or if you pay them to babysit siblings, it's the assumption and planning on it that grates.)

I think you have to agree to meet him half way. Most of his reasons against are linked to finances. I think you should agree to get a job outside the home. I know it will be difficult, but it's not impossible.

I worked full time with three kids. It should be possible to work part time with four.

Ah Soup - you meant paid! Far different than the norm in many large families! sorry!