DH "not on board" with 4th pregnancy, please share advice with me

[MrsMcJnr]

I need some advice on how to handle a difficult situation please. I am pregnant with a fourth, unplanned baby. My DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 9 and have 3 beautiful children aged 7, 5 and 3. I do not work outside of the house at the moment and so DH is the sole bread winner. I have made no secret of the fact that I always wanted four children but as DH did not want another after our 3rd, I embraced what I had happily and thought my baby days were over. Clearly fate had other ideas. I have issues with hormonal contraception so we use barrier methods but they must have failed. We have also had several miscarriages and so 6 weeks (which is where I am now) is a very scary and emotional time for me.
I want to keep this baby. I have no ability to consider not having it. DH has typed a document entitled “Considerations about another child” and it contains 5 pages of arguments as to why we should not have a 4th child. It has been going between us for days with arguments back and forth in writing (which is better than verbally as it would turn into a stand off) and it breaks my heart when I read it. I feel like screaming that a point that might be relevant in a discussion whether or not to try for a 4th child is not when the child is already on board. He is basically saying he thinks it makes sense to abort and that that is justified based on his points (which generally relate to money and the lack of). I have told him that for me that is not an option.
We haven´t spoken about it for a few days. I know he is still in shock. As am I. I know it won´t be easy but I do believe I have my eyes open. Some days he makes encouraging comments like, maybe I should book in for the snip when you are 20 weeks so that that is not something else to consider when we have a new baby and that we´ll need a bigger sofa but other days he says things like, don´t take my silence as being on board, I have thought of more arguments for my list.
What I really want is for him to get on board. I don´t know how to reach that position or if it is possible. I do know that to make any other decision on the fate of this baby would leave me resentful forever and we would probably end up breaking up over it. I don´t know if he can get on board and embrace this without resenting me. If it were just me to consider I probably would be strong enough to say the choice is between staying and supporting me or going and not between terminating or keeping but we do essentially have a very happy family life, we love each other and most importantly we love the three kids we have and I do not want to break up their home because I have selfishly protected a fourth child. Does that make any sense?
DH and I are both volatile people. I tend to get what I want in life but then I have always worked very hard to make sure I have got it. That doesn´t apply to this other than from the perspective that he sees me as nearly always getting my way and he sees this an example of me winning and him losing. I cannot let the life of a child be seen in those terms and therefore I am avoiding confrontation and focusing on being healthy and looking after myself and the baby and hoping that one day soon he will magically be excited as I am.
Please give me any advice you have, especially if you have been in this position, what changed his mind? Is there a way to make it clear that I want the baby without it seeming like I am disregarding his feelings? Help!

One you go over 2 kids, you do not have a lifestyle - family is your lifestyle! I say this as one of six. I don't see a 4th being more cost - bar preventing you from returning to the workforce sooner.

If you are against an abortion then thats that. Its not going to happen.

People seem to be concentrating on the facct DH wrote your a letter. I'm worried by the line: 'DH and I are both volatile people. I tend to get what I want in life but then I have always worked very hard to make sure I have got it.' Maybe thats why he wrote the letter?

Maybe you could alleviate your DH financial concerns by offering to getting a job at the weekend and bringing some money in, so DH would not feel the sole, overwhelmed earner?

Expat: because she wanted a fourth.

And she may also not want to be sterilised, ever. I wouldn't.

I have four kids, aged 5,4,2 and 1. I don't really understand people who say it must be hard, all parenting is hard! I didn't really find it anymore expensive than having 3 really. My kids certainly don't miss out on treats or holidays just because there are more of them, I'm a sahm too. The only bit we don't do are the nights out because even if we didn't have kids we wouldn't want to.
Like others have said, he can't force you and you don't want to. Tell him that it's your decision to keep the baby. I have got to ask what will you do if he wants you to choose between him and the baby?

Jeez, often times people recommend writing a letter when you can't express yourself fully - and this poor guy getting it in the neck because he did?

OP, I think he'll come round. Just try to understand his pov - it's not unreasonable. But at the same time, you have final decision and that's made, really, isn't it? From what you've said, I truly believe your relationship will survive, but be kind to each other, and don't hold his reservations against him.

not many men really relish having their bits cut about

And women do?

Hi OP
I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with DC4. DH was disappointed by trying to be supportive until my best friend looked at me and said "ooh well done" when we told her.
DH then worried I'd done it on purpose. He was miserable for the rest of the pregnancy and for at least the first 6 months of DC4's life. It was really tough for us all.
DH never had the snip but I did have mirena coil just to be sure.
DC4 in junior school now and much loved by older sibs and DH. I wish you all the best.

Nobody can make you have an abortion, it's entirely your choice.

However, you need to be prepared to have your 4th child alone.

MrsMc,

in all the debate above, I feel that your worry about having a miscarriage (giving your previous obstetric history) has been left out.

It is clear that you want to give this baby every fighting chance. It would be devastating for you to have a miscarriage and to feel that your DH considers it 'a blessing in disguise' or a solution to a problem. I feel that much of the debate above has put the issue in her body v his wishes, and I would not like you to feel that that is what it comes down to. I very much hope you get to open your heart to your DH as (if you are in any way like me) words written on a page - even if well-intended, and even if cogent and well-reasoned - about something so important cannot be unwritten or unread.

This is not presenting figures on page about the housekeeping budget. Pros and cons have their place, but not when you want to keep a heart beating inside you. It is important that you say this to your DH as I feel from your posts that you want to keep this baby, and that - God forbid - it should not make it, that your wanting it is not ignored. If you agree to terminate, that is one thing; if the pregnancy does not progress, before or after your decision, I hope that your feelings are not swept under the carpet.

Wishing you - both - well at this very difficult time.

I think it's fair enough for someone who is shocked and upset to write their feelings down rather than get into an argument, so I don't think he did a bad thing. All his points were valid and sensible, plus you knew he would be upset as you already knew he didn't want any more children. I feel a bit sorry for him. He sounds like a caring, loving husband. I think he will come round to the idea. I think you know it too.

Yes it's the woman's body, but in my opinion, the man is allowed to have emotions and opinions too. It doesn't mean he won't be there.

I do sympathise with you both, actually but I do agree that the man is allowed to have emotions and opinions too

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer, but if you love each other you will reach the right decision for you both.

I don't see anything wrong with someone expressing their thoughts in a written form, although it does indicate that perhaps he feels he cannot effectively communicate his thoughts verbally to his wife.

I do see something very wrong, however, with someone else then putting these personal and private thoughts, verbatim, on a public forum.

To me, this would be a horrifying invasion of privacy and trust. I asked earlier if the DH was aware this letter had been copied onto a forum but there was no answer. I'm really surprised no one else has picked up on this, if my DH did this to me I would consider it a real betrayal of trust.

Family sizes, contraception etc issues are something the majority of families go through and discuss...people always have to compromise. There's nothing wrong with turning to an anonymous forum for support, but I do see something wrong when people breach their partners privacy by copying and sharing their texts, emails, letters etc. And as for including children's names...I'm amazed anyone would be so cavalier about this!

OP I feel very sorry for your DH and I think your attitude towards him is awful. I agree with everything YesIDid said.

For those saying DH should have got the snip- I have heard of enough cases of long term pain from the operation that I would never want my DH to risk it.

I sympathise with your situation but I agree with Yes - you are being unfair on your DH - you had both agreed you would have no more children. Of course you will get your own way again in this situation - you hold all the cards. But you may have to do it as a lone parent if he leaves.

Any more thoughts OP? How are you feeling about it now?

I don't actually that much sympathy for the circumstances of the DH being faced with an additional unplanned DH. He should have taken responsibility for his own fertility. My sympathy is reserved for how it's now being dealt with by his DW.

Unfortunately as I said earlier, where family size is concerned, some one is going to have to compromise. It's how you arrive at the compromise that affects your relationship as much as the compromise itself.

My DH and I had to compromise but that's life. We resolved it as adults pretty much and taking a view of the whole family and everyone involved. I was the one who didn't "get my own way" but the bigger picture was more important to me.

I agree with honeyroar

I think it is hugely emotive to argue that he didn't want this baby. He didn't want a baby, but it has happened and he's expressing his feelings

I think he will come round

OP. I don't think there is anything you can do, except to accept that that is how he feels. You can't change it, any more than he can persuade you to have an abortion.

Kvetch said "give them a sibling they feel brings no benefit to their lives"

Quite a lot of assumptions there! If I told my 4 DC we were expecting a 5th they would be delighted. I know because we have talked about it.

We won't be adding anymore to our family as we are enjoying our busy lives with the ones we have. We have gone without clothes, exotic holidays and lots of nights out but that is our choice.

OP what I meant to say earlier is that it took a year for my DH to really get on board but we got there in the end and you would never guess now. It's about weathering the storms and this is a big un.

I imagine he also thinks he was an idiot to leave contraception in the hands of a woman who wanted an extra child.

So, you are basically accusing the OP of doing this deliberately? Nice.

There is nothing at all wrong with him writing a letter.

He sounds like a kind, loving man who is just worrying about the inevitable impact on all aspects of your life together. He is perfectly entitled to detail his fears and concerns.

I think he will come around. His comments about the 'squashie' and about strapping the other baby into the car sound like someone couldn't not love the baby if he tried - once it's here. Give him time.

I really hate when people assume that a woman who wants children will almost certainly trick their partner who doesn't into a baby. It's really so unfair and I can't see any basis in what the op had said to level that accusation at her.

I really wish people would realise, before they speak with their prejudice, that this is a poster who has in the past suffered miscarriages and who is in early pg. I don't think there is any base for those accusations and I think they are hurtful to the op - maybe more than people would realise when they make them.

I found myself in similar circumstances last Dec, OP, except it was an unplanned 3rd baby. DH and I had a talk and I asked him for honesty, which he gave. He wanted me to have an abortion, but respected that it was my body and my choice. I also wanted an abortion so went to BPAS and had a consultation and scan where I learned that the pregnancy was further along than I had imagined; I was about 18 weeks.
That night DH and I had another talk and due to the news about how far along I was I told him I didn't feel able to abort, which meant I wanted to keep it. He listened and said he understood and now we're awaiting DC3 in June.

Like you we were using condoms, which obviously failed, but DH was on a waiting list for a vasectomy. That appointment has finally come through, ironically his consultation for this is a few days before my EDD! With hindsight we would have paid for it to be done privately, despite the cost as we know the cost of DC3 is going to be much higher! He is also more excited about the arrival of DC3 than me, but then I never really bond with my DC when pregnant; I'm sure I'll be over the moon when she's here. But I do have days when I definitely regret our contraception choices.

FWIW I think your DHs email was considerate and he made some good points. Unfortunately sometimes no matter how great a case someone can make for termination, it still feels like the wrong choice. Ultimately if you want this baby then you shouldn't abort. I hope he comes round. Good luck to you OP.

Although I've not got pregnant recently, precisely because I really really don't want to be and I would probably have an abortion if I did because I feel so strongly, because I have four children other people have levelled these kinds of accusations about me being commitment obsessed and trying to trap him. It couldn't be further from the truth. I never want to live with anyone again and certainly only want to be casual with him but it has really got in his head in the past and it's really upsetting to be at the other end of the suspicion. I'm not even in the op's difficult situation.