lies lies lies

[gutted1]

hi, Ive just stumbled across this site as I'm frantically searching for answers.
A bit of background - my husband and I have been togeteher for close to 20 years and married for 4 of these. We have 2 children, 1 together and 1 from my previous relationship. We are both 38.

Over the years I have always had an uneasy feeling that my husband hasnt always been true to me. He works for a large organisation in the city which often involves entertaining evenings and often trips away - dubai, las vegas, san francisco, amsterdam to name just a few. I never accomapny him on these trips.

About 6 years ago I came across a bank statement which showed he had spent just under £1000 in a lap dancing club. I was gutted. I did confront him and immediately got berated for 'looking through his stuff'. He said he was drunk and nothing had happened and that he had been 'conned'.
We got through this and decided to truely commit and get get married after so long together.
I'm not sure if things got better or if I was just ignorant to it!
Over the years there have been several nights out in which my husband would not return home until the next day or very late. He would get very drunk, to the point that on occasions he has passed out, fallen asllep on trains, come come with black eyes, cuts to head, lost phones/laptops etc. He will never tell me where he has been or what he has been doing. He keeps his finances seperate and I have no idea of what he spends and where. I have found out that he has continued to visit strip clubs and spend alot of money there. I dread to think what the money can buy him.
It came to heads just before christmas last year when he failed to return home after a night out. I had to lie to our son in the morning that he had stayed at a friends when I had no idea where he was and if we was even ok. When I returned from work that eveing he was home, he had cuts to his head and bruising. He said he fell asleep at the station and fell over. Again, I was gutted and just didnt know what to believe. He said he couldnt continue like this and that the drink would kill him or ruin our marraige - its true it is! He said that he jst couldnt go out any more.
Things had got better, he had gone out very rarely and not got in this state but things have still not been great between us.

We are very rarely intimate - im not sure if this is my doing or his or down to how i feel about everything. Since having our son our sex life has been a little awkward as we rarely get any privacy. I find this hard as I feel uncomfortable if our son is awake and in the room next to us. I also suffer terribly with cystitis and seem to have constant thrush. Any sexual contact results in this. This is a horrible situation for me as I have needs too, it isnt that I dont want to be with my husband, I do. I feel Im letting him down in that sense but then it does take two. Over the last 8 months on the rare occasions that we have been intimate, the way he wants to do this is different. This makes me paranoid that he has done these things with other women. I have suspected he has been unfaithful but didnt want to believe it. I fear that he has had sexual contact with strippers, random girls he has met or even prostitutes.
He has recently been to amsterdam on buisness and he lied about only going out for the work dinner as I have found reciepts showing otherwise. I feel dreadful for looking for such evidence but I just have had the most awful feeling.

It was this eveing that I discovered a card in his bag for a sexual health clinic showing that he has been tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphillis. This has made all my most dreaded fears become reality. There would be no need to be tested for these things unless he had had sexual contact with someone. I am devestated.

Im not sure what Im hoping for by posting this on here. He is away this weekend. I have kept the card. I know that he will discover it is gone. If I confront him for this I know he will blame me for 'looking through his things'. But to me, this just proves that I wasnt the one going crazy, my fears and thoughts have been valid. Im not sure what else to say right now. apart from gutted. :(

I don't care where he put his dick, it's just not coming near me.

goodbetterbest - excuse the tangent, but that ^^ is so brilliant - it made me laugh a lot!

What advice would you give to your daughter gutted .

'oh in a couple of weeks you're going to have a nice new extension. Oh just put up with it!'

Really? Would you really give that advice to your own flesh and blood!

And several years down the line and he's totally messed up/ given you something nasty/ treat you even more like shit

What will she say to you?

Why tf didn't you sling the sleazy bastard out on his ear?

There are only two emotions. Love and Fear and you aren't living in love sweetheart!

Op a decent man who cared about you would not have responded like this.

He would have been really concerned about your feelings. He would not have got angry for a second.
He would have been begging for forgiveness for giving you such worry and stress. He would have understood how it looks and would have been horrified at upsetting you.

See the trend here? See how differently he responded? See how you have ended up feeling?

Regardless of his honesty or otherwise he has not treated you with love and consideration here and you deserve both.
YOU HAVE NOT CAUSED THIS

Well, OP, if you get tested and you find that you HAVE been infected, that will give you proof he has lied won't it? It doesn't matter if he tries to blame you when you KNOW he is the one who has infected you. Keep strong.

If you haven't been infected, just take it that you have been lucky so far.

And I think you both need to work out the details of any separation, if you do it on your own he will probably find fault with what you've done, if he is running true to form.

Even if you had caused it, you don't have to put up with it. My ex used to tell me his cheating was because I was a shit wife. I don't even know if it was true or not, but i knew that wasn't a reason to stay married.

He has cheated on you. He could have given you a disease that could leave your children without a mother.

He hasn't said he is sorry you feel that he would cheat on you and that he loves the bones of you and always has. He hasn't reassured you at all.

You would be a fool to stay with him and even if he hasn't fucked someone else he's done enough to make this a non marriage.

Id be getting a health check too. And sorting out finances.

Well there's been no more talk since this morning. After ignoring me all afternoon he has now gone to bed. Very unusual as it's normally me who's in bed first and he comes up much later when I'm asleep.
It's like he's not been able to look at me today, a total loathing in his eyes whenever I have been anywhere near him.
i can't believe I am the one feeling in the wrong here!

You are not in the wrong

We will carry on stonewalling you until he sees you have STFU talking about awkward things, then it will be back to business as usual

he has no intention of leaving. Why would he? He has his cake , and a trolley full of do-nuts/eclairs/patisserie too. Plus you to iron his shirts so he looks fancy when he goes cake-shopping.

he will carry on stonewalling

This doesn't have to be your life

I actually don't iron his stuff anymore, he kept complaining I didn't get the creases right. Besides I work full time too and actually do longer hours so I am not the domestic goddess I was when we first met before I got my career.

I'm tempted tomorrow to call the number on the clinic card and give the ref number to ask for my results. That may show me if it's current or not.
I also plan to go to a clinic myself tomorrow to get checked out.

Please don't feel you're in the wrong, you are absolutely not. You found something very disturbing, asked him about it and his explanation for it was ludicrous. If he really thought you had an STD why wouldn't he speak to you about it, challenge you? No, he made it up on the fly to turn it away from him and onto you. Don't let him get away with it, please.

I think you get my gist, OP, even if you don't actually iron his shirts

he sees you as domestic fodder now...he won't want to give that up too easily

hence his empty threats of splitting are simply to keep you in line

and it's very effective

This is awful, please get away from this man and start living the life you deserve

I knew what you meant, I just found it funny that I don't do his ironing. maybe my lack of attentiveness in looking after him has driven him away.
The more I think about his response and all of this I know that you are all probably right and he is covering himself.
When I read back some of the things he has done, it really is wrong and does show a real lack of care for me. And these are just a few examples. There have been other things over the years such as spitting in my face after questioning him about similar situations. Telling me he has been embarrassed to call me his wife and he doesn't like taking me out with other people because I'm needy and he feels he has to look after me. He's said that I put my career before my family and children. I work really hard and my job is demanding but I always putt children first and sm forever running around for them. There are many days when I never get to sit down and relax.
I haven't got a big network of friends but I have spoken with a few work friends about what has been happening. They are quite horrified and worried about the situation I am in.
All of this shows me that it is wrong.
I do know that it is but I guess I'm just trying not to believe it because I don't want it to be true.

he has spit in your face ?

God, I hate this man. Who the fuck does he think he is ?

he is an abusive cunt....no more, no less

please please leave him...I fear your idea of what a relationship should be like is seriously skewed

Yeah he did, it was about 5 years ago now. Many times I have driven to work crying because he has made me feel so dreadful in the morning. To then have to put on a brave face, smile and perform all day. I recently confided in my head and she said she had no idea. I obviously hide it well. It's hard though pretending everything's fine when it's not.
It hasn't all been bad though we have had some really good times over the years.

Not wanting it to be true doesn't mean that it isn't true. It is true. He's horrible. It sounds as if he has always been horrible.

Honestly, ahead of you is a glorious life. You just need to kick him out of it.

You would be better off alone.

OP I know how hard it is when you still want to believe that your husband is a decent man and understand you want to believe what he said about the STD. But your conversation with him this afternoon - you are not in the wrong and he is lying.

It is daunting and scary to leave a marriage especially when you have children and obviously there are emotions involved too which makes it a hell of a lot harder for you to make the decision to leave.

But, and I don't mean this unkindly, what good points does your husband actually have? He has repeatedly cheated on you (you know deep down that he has even if you are still trying to kid yourself that he hasn't), he gets drunk and gets into fights, he doesn't come over as a doting, hands on dad. He makes no attempt to reassure you when you have confronted him, but tries to spin it round so you think it's your fault and now you say that he has previously spat in your face.

Why do you want to stay with him? He doesn't sound worthy of anyone's love. Does he make you happy? It doesn't sound like he does so please don't waste any more of your life being made miserable by this horrible man.

He abuses you, gutted. He's done a number on your head and got you worn down, sad and confused.

You do not have to live like this. You can be free, and happy. Take care of yourself now. Get away from this absolute prize bastard.

Make the break, give it time and you will be happier. Tell him to go. Pack his things. Your children are better off with you as a happy mum. You will meet some one else when you feel ready. Someone who will make you feel like you mean everything to them. Time is a healer. Let him live that life on his own. You can be strong.

"Many times I have driven to work crying" - why do you want to stay with someone who makes you feel like this. If you leave you will no doubt cry a lot and you will feel like hell for a while, but at some point you will start to heal and feel happier and you won't believe it is true, but you will be relieved that you left him because your life will get better and so will that of your children. But if you stay you will continue to feel like shit and continue to cry because he treats you like shit and that is no way to live.

oh my god Gutted, he's ground your self esteem down to nothing - embarrassed to call you his wife? WTF?

Do you really want to grow old with this man? Really? No matter that 'you have some nice times' does this sound like a good companion in your golden years?

1. He lies
2. He abuses you verbally
3. He spits at you
4. He criticises, humiliates and denigrates you
5. He betrays you sexually

I've never posted this kind of thing before but your story and in particular your lack of self belief is just too dreadful to pass by.

If by holding up the MN mirror to you to show you just how deluded you are helps you to see things more clearly, then here's me, holding up my little corner, telling you he is a shite of the first order and you should leave the bastard.

The look of loathing in his eyes is fuelled by the knowledge that he is treating you badly. We always hate people we treat badly. How else can we continue to like ourselves when we are being shuts?

When he is looking at you with approval, that is the time to start really worrying. That would mean he has dragged you down a notch further.