lies lies lies

[gutted1]

hi, Ive just stumbled across this site as I'm frantically searching for answers.
A bit of background - my husband and I have been togeteher for close to 20 years and married for 4 of these. We have 2 children, 1 together and 1 from my previous relationship. We are both 38.

Over the years I have always had an uneasy feeling that my husband hasnt always been true to me. He works for a large organisation in the city which often involves entertaining evenings and often trips away - dubai, las vegas, san francisco, amsterdam to name just a few. I never accomapny him on these trips.

About 6 years ago I came across a bank statement which showed he had spent just under £1000 in a lap dancing club. I was gutted. I did confront him and immediately got berated for 'looking through his stuff'. He said he was drunk and nothing had happened and that he had been 'conned'.
We got through this and decided to truely commit and get get married after so long together.
I'm not sure if things got better or if I was just ignorant to it!
Over the years there have been several nights out in which my husband would not return home until the next day or very late. He would get very drunk, to the point that on occasions he has passed out, fallen asllep on trains, come come with black eyes, cuts to head, lost phones/laptops etc. He will never tell me where he has been or what he has been doing. He keeps his finances seperate and I have no idea of what he spends and where. I have found out that he has continued to visit strip clubs and spend alot of money there. I dread to think what the money can buy him.
It came to heads just before christmas last year when he failed to return home after a night out. I had to lie to our son in the morning that he had stayed at a friends when I had no idea where he was and if we was even ok. When I returned from work that eveing he was home, he had cuts to his head and bruising. He said he fell asleep at the station and fell over. Again, I was gutted and just didnt know what to believe. He said he couldnt continue like this and that the drink would kill him or ruin our marraige - its true it is! He said that he jst couldnt go out any more.
Things had got better, he had gone out very rarely and not got in this state but things have still not been great between us.

We are very rarely intimate - im not sure if this is my doing or his or down to how i feel about everything. Since having our son our sex life has been a little awkward as we rarely get any privacy. I find this hard as I feel uncomfortable if our son is awake and in the room next to us. I also suffer terribly with cystitis and seem to have constant thrush. Any sexual contact results in this. This is a horrible situation for me as I have needs too, it isnt that I dont want to be with my husband, I do. I feel Im letting him down in that sense but then it does take two. Over the last 8 months on the rare occasions that we have been intimate, the way he wants to do this is different. This makes me paranoid that he has done these things with other women. I have suspected he has been unfaithful but didnt want to believe it. I fear that he has had sexual contact with strippers, random girls he has met or even prostitutes.
He has recently been to amsterdam on buisness and he lied about only going out for the work dinner as I have found reciepts showing otherwise. I feel dreadful for looking for such evidence but I just have had the most awful feeling.

It was this eveing that I discovered a card in his bag for a sexual health clinic showing that he has been tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphillis. This has made all my most dreaded fears become reality. There would be no need to be tested for these things unless he had had sexual contact with someone. I am devestated.

Im not sure what Im hoping for by posting this on here. He is away this weekend. I have kept the card. I know that he will discover it is gone. If I confront him for this I know he will blame me for 'looking through his things'. But to me, this just proves that I wasnt the one going crazy, my fears and thoughts have been valid. Im not sure what else to say right now. apart from gutted. :(

Sorry you're going through this OP

If he did show remorse, admit his failing and promise to change - would you feel able to trust that he would stick to that? What would you need to see him do in order to rebuild that trust?

I also second PPs who have said you should get an STI check of your own. Sorry I know it's horrible but needs to be done. :(

No. It doesn't sound like a good move.

Your husband won't do this, he hasnt when he's been caught out before.

He will lie. Minimise. Blame you.

Please don't accept a life like this. You are worth more. Do is your DS.

My husband had sex with prostitutes.

He cheated on me with other women.

I only found out in my mid fifties but when I look back at my marriage there were some good times and some very, very unhappy times.

The good times came at a very high price. My husband liked to get very drunk too although not in the house thank goodness and always had a plausible excuse for his actions

So, not Do!

Deep down I know you're all right. I just feel I'm letting my children down. And I'm scared of how I'm going to cope with all the practical side if things. I know it sounds pathetic and I feel pathetic but I'm worried about losing my home, my car, my lifestyle. I know this is too high a price up pay for such trivial things but right now I'm worried about of all.
I feel like I've failed, I came from s broken home and I never wanted this for my children. I wanted to break that chain.
I probably sound so stupid and weak.. Is it normal to worry about such things?

And I will go to my gp and talk this yhrough with him and get tested. That's a whole new worry that I haven't even begun yo think about yet ??

Whoops posted too soon.

My husband met the one woman who really got under his skin and made him decide to leave me.

What a favour she did me.

Going it alone wasn't quite as scary as I'd thought and financially I wasn't too bad.

It hurt because I loved him too.

But you must get rid of him sweetheart.

No pussyfooting around because this tosser will continue to hurt you.

You know now . I did not .

Pack his bags and get rid.

Your only 40 . You have all your life to make a fresh start. Don't be scared. There's a better life out there.

I met my soon to be husband 3 months after my divorce came through and I was 56.

He's a real man. Wouldn't hurt me for the world.

In fact I was looking at exh's form E on our divorce papers.

He had a transaction for a website called ' dating for parents' so in his mid fifties he was not only cheating on his girlfriend he was trying to hook himself a much younger woman as well.

There's proof for you that a leopard can't change his spots.

I too went to a gum clinic and got tested for everything...HIV included.

Sadly to say he was a bag of filth.

How devastating for yoy you need to go to GUM clinic and get checked too. Perhaps this is why you always get thrush after being intimate with him?
I could not put up with this kind of behaviour, he has put your health at risk, plus he clearly gas a drink problem and is a very poor role model for your 12 year old son.

Your husband and his filthy ways has let you all down

You don't have to go to your doctor. You can go to a gum clinic.

You could be writing about my ex. Same scenario.

I was pathetic too at the thought of my marriage ending.

I actually think if i had known and accepted him he would have tried to push me into uncomrtable sexual situations because they get very manipulative and very controlling.

Ie trying to get you to do things for his pleasure that you don't want to do in order for you to keep him.

That's my worry for you.

Gutted, if you love him & your husband loves you and wants to try and work thru this, then do that first.

Try and see a therapist or buy some books for you both to read together like 'love & respect', 'sacred marriage', 'his needs, her needs', 'why marriages succeed or fail and how to make yours last', 'i love you but i am not in love with you', 'the 7 principles of marriage'

If both parties are willing, it is possible to turn things around but will require time & patience.

I'm thinking of asking him outright if he still wants to be with me, if he still loves me and tell him I have an awful feeling that he has been unfaithful. I want to give him the chance to try and redeem something.

OP - I mean this kindly, but this is a terrible idea.

You have just found something which anyone with even a scrap of common sense would consider evidence of him cheating on you. He clearly doesn't respect you, and considers his privacy more important than your right not to be married to a cheating piece of shit.

Please STOP putting all the power in his hands. I don't understand why you would ask him "do you want to be with me". Of course he wants to be with you. You provide free childcare, look after the home, and are the wife to come back to. But he doesn't want to be with you to the exclusion of other women on the side. If he has been doing it for this long, why would he stop? He will just hide the evidence better.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Take the reigns in your relationship for once. It will throw him for six as he is clearly used to brow beating you into doing whatever he wants. Tell him you have found this card. Tell him that he disgusts you. Tell him that YOU need some time to decide what YOU want to do, and you will let him know when you have reached a decision.

You could ask him whatever you want, but you have to accept that he is just going to lie. Probably try and convince you that you're stupid first. That you are jumping to conclusions. That you are overreacting. That you've got it wrong. Even if you found him mid coitus with someone, then it would be "oh but it's the first time" "it will never happen again" "oh but it didn't mean anything"

He is looking out for himself.

It's time you looked out for yourself as well.

Adipose does the book 'why marriages succeed or fail and how to make yours last' include a chapter about having unprotected sex with other women and not mentioning it to your wife?

Adipose....I really think he's gone way beyond that

I think your advice will just set Op for years and years of misery.

My post if you haven't read it will show that they can't change because they don't want too.

It's a sickness within them. A good woman isn't enough. They like the thrill of doing something a bit naughty.

You can't change that in them

It's the way they are wired.

At my husbands funeral the person conducting the service actually said ' he liked to stand near the stairs and watch all the women go past'

I couldn't believe my ears.

Always on the lookout for the next conquest.

He could throw a bit of money their way, give them a good time

Just like your husband.

Mine went on business trips so easy to cover their tracks.

You know.

I didn't.

Take action.

Don't put your head in the sand.

What gouda said

your husband is a cheat who takes risks with your sexual health

this is who he is

I expect he will come out with some shit about being addicted to sex and only you can save him

fgs, don't fall for that one either

someone with such an ingrained case of sexual diarrhoea will never change....The need for sleazy kicks will just escalate

it's not you breaking a family apart, it is him

this is not how family men act....I would set him free to pursue his empty sleazy encounters

he won't want to though, because at the moment he has you to keep the home fires burning and the secrecy will have been part of the thrill

decide what you want

Looking at it in bald terms, if he puts you at risk of HIV then he is pretty much saying that he doesn't give a shit if you die. And how will your kids feel about that?

Go straight to the doctor or clinic and get tested. You will probably need to be tested again for HIV after a couple of months depending on when you last had unprotected sex with him. Then never have sex with him again. And kick him out. I am outraged on your behalf, especially at the spending £1000 + on God knows what, rather than his children or their mother!

Yes Vivacia, and giving trusting wives STDs? What bollocks!

Great post from Gouda

Read and reread OP.

Further to Lunalelle's post:

Absolutely your husband's sexual behaviour has risked your life. Aside from the risk of PID & infertility from chlamydia, you're risking cervical cancer from HPV, the obvious consequences of HIV, are you aware what the long term consequences of untreated syphilis and gonorrhoea are? They are horrendous.

I understand that you love this man, but he patently does not care about you.

I have spent s long time looking at the effects of std's and I am both terrified and horrified that he has put me in this position. To still be intimate with me knowing full well he may have a disease is disgusting and thoughtless. You are right this shows I am of no worth to him. I'm crying again now at the sad thought of this. I truly am heartbroken.

"I feel like I've failed, I came from a broken home and I never wanted this for my children. I wanted to break that chain."

The only failure is on his part. Failed as a husband, failed as a father and failed as a decent human being. Meanwhile, you have been steadfast and trusting. As a partner in a committed long-term relationship should be.

Broken home? Meh. There are some homes that should be broken. That needed to have been broken a very long time ago. Like the ones where one party lives purely for their own convenience and pleasure, meanwhile putting their own and their OH's health at stake.

I understand that you're fearful of what the financial cost could be by getting shot of him. There was a woman who was left penniless, homeless and with a teenage child to support in her mid-forties by her husband. Who went through hard times but ended up owning her own home, running a little car and enjoying modest foreign holidays in her retirement. And she wasn't a professional with a career, she was a cleaning-lady. That woman was my Mam.

I'm sorry to confront you with the disgusting nature of what he has done, I hoped the reality would impel you to see him as truly is: sleazy, selfish, thoughtless and totally unworthy of you.

The fact that he doesn't value you is no reflection on you, you're obviously a lovely person who really cares about him. You must understand your true value: you're worth a million of this man. You're way, way too good for him. Rather than being grateful and happy and faithful, he's chosen to 'pour the sweet milk of concord into hell'.

I understand that you wouldn't wish a 'broken home' on your son, but the friends of mine who grew up with divorced parents were fine. My parents who decided to stay together for the children and we would all have been a lot happier if they'd split up. I honestly wouldn't wish a sleazy philanderer on my son, one who treats you so appallingly. I wouldn't want my son to grow up with him as a role model.

I also understand that you don't want to lose the lifestyle that you have, but there's no reason to think you will. You are clearly a very strong person to have stood this treatment for so long. You have a good job, you're obviously a sorted person. You may end up with a mesher order to stay in your house until your son leaves education, so don't panic.

That's something you can think over, in the short term, I would suggest a policy of zero tolerance towards your husband: no more lies, no more excuses, no more gaslighting. He can't manipulate you any more. You know who he is now.

OP i don't wanna put thoughts into your head but have you thought that the reason why having sex with him leads to bad thrush/cystitis is because he's possibly passed something onto you? You need to go and get checked immediately.

In all honesty it doesn't sound good to me. The fact he's got himself checked tells me he has reason to go. If he hasn't slept with anybody else and rarely sleeps with you why would he feel the need to be checked?

I would just tell him that the marriage has been a lie and you want to know the truth otherwise you'll leave.

Hope you're okay.

What Gouda and Anyfucker said.

You haven't failed! You have don't nothing wrong. You can't control someone else behaviour. He ended your marriage when he had sexual contact with someone else and gas lighted you to get away with it.

Go to a GUM clinic as I think you can't be tested for everything at your docs and it's only confidential and off the record at a clinic.

I have been when my ex told me he had chlmydia and they were so so nice and non judgmental and everyone is there for the same reason. They gave me antibiotics for chlamydia(sp) to take whilst I waited for the results and it turned out I was clear anyway.

Also, recurrent thrush needs to be treated between you both so maybe he was passing it back to you after you were treated if he hadn't been.

You sounds lovely and worth a thousand of this arsehole. You aren't ruininv your childrens loves you are positively saying them by showing them what is unacceptable in a relationship!