lies lies lies

[gutted1]

hi, Ive just stumbled across this site as I'm frantically searching for answers.
A bit of background - my husband and I have been togeteher for close to 20 years and married for 4 of these. We have 2 children, 1 together and 1 from my previous relationship. We are both 38.

Over the years I have always had an uneasy feeling that my husband hasnt always been true to me. He works for a large organisation in the city which often involves entertaining evenings and often trips away - dubai, las vegas, san francisco, amsterdam to name just a few. I never accomapny him on these trips.

About 6 years ago I came across a bank statement which showed he had spent just under £1000 in a lap dancing club. I was gutted. I did confront him and immediately got berated for 'looking through his stuff'. He said he was drunk and nothing had happened and that he had been 'conned'.
We got through this and decided to truely commit and get get married after so long together.
I'm not sure if things got better or if I was just ignorant to it!
Over the years there have been several nights out in which my husband would not return home until the next day or very late. He would get very drunk, to the point that on occasions he has passed out, fallen asllep on trains, come come with black eyes, cuts to head, lost phones/laptops etc. He will never tell me where he has been or what he has been doing. He keeps his finances seperate and I have no idea of what he spends and where. I have found out that he has continued to visit strip clubs and spend alot of money there. I dread to think what the money can buy him.
It came to heads just before christmas last year when he failed to return home after a night out. I had to lie to our son in the morning that he had stayed at a friends when I had no idea where he was and if we was even ok. When I returned from work that eveing he was home, he had cuts to his head and bruising. He said he fell asleep at the station and fell over. Again, I was gutted and just didnt know what to believe. He said he couldnt continue like this and that the drink would kill him or ruin our marraige - its true it is! He said that he jst couldnt go out any more.
Things had got better, he had gone out very rarely and not got in this state but things have still not been great between us.

We are very rarely intimate - im not sure if this is my doing or his or down to how i feel about everything. Since having our son our sex life has been a little awkward as we rarely get any privacy. I find this hard as I feel uncomfortable if our son is awake and in the room next to us. I also suffer terribly with cystitis and seem to have constant thrush. Any sexual contact results in this. This is a horrible situation for me as I have needs too, it isnt that I dont want to be with my husband, I do. I feel Im letting him down in that sense but then it does take two. Over the last 8 months on the rare occasions that we have been intimate, the way he wants to do this is different. This makes me paranoid that he has done these things with other women. I have suspected he has been unfaithful but didnt want to believe it. I fear that he has had sexual contact with strippers, random girls he has met or even prostitutes.
He has recently been to amsterdam on buisness and he lied about only going out for the work dinner as I have found reciepts showing otherwise. I feel dreadful for looking for such evidence but I just have had the most awful feeling.

It was this eveing that I discovered a card in his bag for a sexual health clinic showing that he has been tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphillis. This has made all my most dreaded fears become reality. There would be no need to be tested for these things unless he had had sexual contact with someone. I am devestated.

Im not sure what Im hoping for by posting this on here. He is away this weekend. I have kept the card. I know that he will discover it is gone. If I confront him for this I know he will blame me for 'looking through his things'. But to me, this just proves that I wasnt the one going crazy, my fears and thoughts have been valid. Im not sure what else to say right now. apart from gutted. :(

I think I do need to get some kind of legal advice, to find out what my rights are and where I stand legally. He's a very clever man and I'm sure he's done his homework on all this already. I just don't want the children to get hurt in all this. When I said that of course I wanted my son to be with me, his response was, well who is that best for, you or him? We can't make him choose, that would be cruel and unfair. I don't know, what is the norm for this kind of situation. Of course, I couldn't imagine anything other than the children being with me, but he obviously feels the same. This is all way beyond my experience, maybe I'm really naive?

Hi Gutted. There is never a 'good time'. You've put your feelings aside repeatedly, and for understandable reasons, but clearly at a huge emotional cost. Don't allow him to dictate your future.

Stop tying yourself in knots and definitely stop listening to this abusive man.

Find a professional divorce lawyer and let them guide you through this. Of course you don't know how it all works, who researches this until they have to ?

But I suggest you get the ball rolling and get it done fast. This man is going to ruin you if you don't take action. Your inaction will be yours and your children's undoing.

He's clear: he doesn't want to rebuild the marriage, so that's that.

There's no point going to counselling with a man who has told you that, who calls you an 'embarrassment' in front of your son. And I don't think your son should get the message that it's ok.

He's trying to bully and intimidate you. He doesn't like the idea of being parted from his son, but realistically, his lifestyle would not accommodate 'having' your son as resident parent, the maximum he could possibly get would be 50:50, and his lifestyle doesn't even support that.

So it's all empty threats.

Call Women's Aid and ask for a recommendation of a lawyer in your area who specialises in abuse. It's important that you get a Rottweiler lawyer who understands how abusive men work and is really tough.

this person is a grade A asshole.

you could NEVER be worse off free from him. Confide in everyone you possibly can IRL. Get OUT . get your children OUT and you will never look back. This person ( I cannot dignify him with 'man' because he is NOT a "man" - just a male) is completely selfish arrogant and cruel. NO ONE deserves to be treated this way

please; just get OUT of there asap

Uuf, OP, I have just read this entire thread and really the strip clubs were bad enough (very misogynist, IMHO) but spitting in your face? I'm so glad that you are going to be free of him.
Did you get the results of the STDs?

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond, especially after all this time. I will seek advice but I don't want things to turn nasty and bitter. I think he's expecting me to take him to the cleaners which is why he's laying down the law to me now. He really does have such a low opinion of me. I don't want to screw him over but I guess from a practical view I'm worried about future security in terms of a home. He will be fine, he will get another mortgage no problem but not sure I will. He earns at least 4 times what I do. I don't want to be putting money down the drain In renting. Feel bad thinking about this, almost guilty but I guess it means deep down I've faced reality.
I have confided in a few 'real' people. There's been no choice, I've been in bits at times.
I guess I've just got to take this one day at a time. I will seek professional help, both mentally and legally and hopefully this will make it clearer and make me stronger to deal with it.
My initial tests came back clear. I had to cancel my follow up due to my mum being taken into hospital but have rebooked for tomorrow. Honestly, the amount of things that have all 'gone wrong' at once. It really does seem unreal. People may think, yeah right, surely she's making it up! But it's all real. If this is karma I sure as hell must have been really bad in a previous life!!!

Get free of this awful man and you will find your "bad luck" starts to change

Why are you supporting him with anything?

He doesn't love you or respect you , he handmade it clear he doesn't want to be in the marriage

Get advice and get out

Good luck, just read the thread and I despise him. I hope you get free of him

Solicitor.

Get all important documents together and out of the house. Mortgage, life insurance, passports, car docs.

Spare car keys and then keep yours with you all the time.

Anything else that is important to you. If you can arrange while he is elsewhere then get a man with a van/good friend and move it all to a storage facility.

Made an appointment to see a counsellor today. Going for my first meeting on Thursday. Feel this is a real positive step. Took courage to do this. Feel dreadful today- spent most of it bursting into tears. Feel raw. Switching between feeling strong and that this is the right thing to breaking down- guessing this is normal.

That's a good start, but when are you contacting a solicitor. You need to protect yourself and ds

Please see a solicitor!

Take heart, honey. If he's expecting you to "take him to cleaners" it's because he knows you can in terms of him no longer being able to dictate the shots and, instead of having you dancing to his tune, he'll need to invest in a pair of ballet pumps

The right solicitor is all important. Seek recommendations from the 'real' people you have told - if they don't know, they may have friends who do. Also ask people you haven't told - you can spare your blushes by saying you're asking for a friend. Alternatively, call your local Women's Aid and ask if they have a list of shit hot solicitors who specialise in divorce/family law and who offers a half-hour free intitial consultation.

Bear in mind that once you've had the first couple of consultations, communications are usually conducted by email/phone/snail mail so there's no need to discount a highly recommended firm just because they're not on your doorstep.

It's good that you've got a counsellor in hand but it's vital that you get the legal ball rolling asap otherwise you may find he's pipped you to the post.

Well, I'm now 8 months down the line and my life has dramatically changed. I am now separated from my husband and slowly coming to terms with all that has happened. I had a course of counselling which helped so much. I'm nowhere near 'over' what has happened but slowly getting stronger each day. The last 8 months have been painful beyond belief but I know that the split is for the best and that it is the right thing to happen. That's a positive start and one that I'm holding onto :)

That's great, gutted.

I do remember reading your posts back in the spring.
You sounded so weary.

Really pleased you've turned a corner.

I'm so pleased to see this update.

Keep going, the worst part is over. I hope your Christmas period is relaxing and you take some time for you

Just read the entire thread. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas time with your children. Best wishes to you.

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