lies lies lies

[gutted1]

hi, Ive just stumbled across this site as I'm frantically searching for answers.
A bit of background - my husband and I have been togeteher for close to 20 years and married for 4 of these. We have 2 children, 1 together and 1 from my previous relationship. We are both 38.

Over the years I have always had an uneasy feeling that my husband hasnt always been true to me. He works for a large organisation in the city which often involves entertaining evenings and often trips away - dubai, las vegas, san francisco, amsterdam to name just a few. I never accomapny him on these trips.

About 6 years ago I came across a bank statement which showed he had spent just under £1000 in a lap dancing club. I was gutted. I did confront him and immediately got berated for 'looking through his stuff'. He said he was drunk and nothing had happened and that he had been 'conned'.
We got through this and decided to truely commit and get get married after so long together.
I'm not sure if things got better or if I was just ignorant to it!
Over the years there have been several nights out in which my husband would not return home until the next day or very late. He would get very drunk, to the point that on occasions he has passed out, fallen asllep on trains, come come with black eyes, cuts to head, lost phones/laptops etc. He will never tell me where he has been or what he has been doing. He keeps his finances seperate and I have no idea of what he spends and where. I have found out that he has continued to visit strip clubs and spend alot of money there. I dread to think what the money can buy him.
It came to heads just before christmas last year when he failed to return home after a night out. I had to lie to our son in the morning that he had stayed at a friends when I had no idea where he was and if we was even ok. When I returned from work that eveing he was home, he had cuts to his head and bruising. He said he fell asleep at the station and fell over. Again, I was gutted and just didnt know what to believe. He said he couldnt continue like this and that the drink would kill him or ruin our marraige - its true it is! He said that he jst couldnt go out any more.
Things had got better, he had gone out very rarely and not got in this state but things have still not been great between us.

We are very rarely intimate - im not sure if this is my doing or his or down to how i feel about everything. Since having our son our sex life has been a little awkward as we rarely get any privacy. I find this hard as I feel uncomfortable if our son is awake and in the room next to us. I also suffer terribly with cystitis and seem to have constant thrush. Any sexual contact results in this. This is a horrible situation for me as I have needs too, it isnt that I dont want to be with my husband, I do. I feel Im letting him down in that sense but then it does take two. Over the last 8 months on the rare occasions that we have been intimate, the way he wants to do this is different. This makes me paranoid that he has done these things with other women. I have suspected he has been unfaithful but didnt want to believe it. I fear that he has had sexual contact with strippers, random girls he has met or even prostitutes.
He has recently been to amsterdam on buisness and he lied about only going out for the work dinner as I have found reciepts showing otherwise. I feel dreadful for looking for such evidence but I just have had the most awful feeling.

It was this eveing that I discovered a card in his bag for a sexual health clinic showing that he has been tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphillis. This has made all my most dreaded fears become reality. There would be no need to be tested for these things unless he had had sexual contact with someone. I am devestated.

Im not sure what Im hoping for by posting this on here. He is away this weekend. I have kept the card. I know that he will discover it is gone. If I confront him for this I know he will blame me for 'looking through his things'. But to me, this just proves that I wasnt the one going crazy, my fears and thoughts have been valid. Im not sure what else to say right now. apart from gutted. :(

'self fulfilling prophecy' what utter bollocks. He is using the domestic situation to brush this under the carpet. So, if you can, let him think it has been. For the moment.

In the meantime stop talking and confiding in him, he is not your friend. Get your self checked out at the clinic. Look into you joint finances. Ifs he going to be working away any time soon?

get a few stock phrases to calmly respond to him. 'Just need time to process all this' 'I'm just thinking it all through' etc

He says that I wanted this to happen.

He's a fucking piece of work.

This man is supposed to love you, and respect you, and care for you.

His actions demonstrate none of these things. His actions, his words, demonstrate an utter lack of care.

You need to protect yourself now, you need to take care of yourself now. Get away from him, one way or another. The way he behaves is hurting you.

Get your health sorted and see a solicitor. Don't talk to him. He is an utter bastard.

Stay strong. You can do this.

He said that he doesn't want to keep going round in circles like this. I asked if he loved me and he said it didn't matter if he did or didnt, he won't put up with this anymore. He said I'd better look into how we can split everything.

This is him trying to call your bluff and make you scared about how difficult it will be, he is hoping you will apologise and cling to him, to the rubbish life you're having around him, and then he will have got away with it AND be in an even stronger position because you will just have agreed that he can basically do what the feck he likes and you will take responsibility for it.

I really do feel that I have ruined everything. That I shouldn't have said anything.

Yes, that's how he wants you to feel. He has done a right job on you

I am SO sorry for you. Do you have any family, any friends around that would believe you and help you get rid of this festering jerk?

Also I hate to say it but he sounds very devious and extremely angry. I would play it very cool and not let him know if you are thinking of leaving. Also make sure he doesn't see this thread Ok?

I would be quite worried about what he is capable of - even his words to you sound vicious.

He is manipulating the situation to suit himself and deflect his awful behaviour gutted

You did the right thing by speaking out, you really did. Please don't doubt that.

He got the check up because he is sleeping around and exploiting women in sex work. Nothing to do with you, despite his ridiculous 'excuse'.

I really do feel that I have ruined everything. That I shouldn't have said anything

I'm afraid he's playing you with arrogance, cruelty and utter contempt, but let's just suppose for a moment that you hadn't said anything ... he'd then have known he'd got away with it (again) and you'd be back to wondering what he was doing every time he left the house

In all honesty, can you see yourself spending the next 40/50 years like this??

He said I'd better look into how we can split everything.

Here is your chance to get rid. Even though I am sure he doesn't mean it, he just wants to threaten you into accepting his despicable behaviour.

He said it doesn't matter if he loves you or not - I have to agree with him, it matters FA because you deserve better than this.

Poor you. Stop listening to him. When he starts up with the self fulfilling prophecy etc, block your ears. He won't put up with it anymore will he? Good, then there's nothing more to talk about is there? He can shut the fuck up and start packing.

And you -and your solicitor - can start looking into how to split everything. Plenty of things to get on with next week.

I'm not sure if you're meek by nature OP or whether you've just been bamboozled by his emotional abuse. But I think you really need to work on your sense of self asap to help you get out of this. I would suggest trying the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and find a therapist who specialises in domestic abuse.

At the moment you're brainwashed by him, it's a similar effect to people who have joined a cult. He's like a cult leader, you're invested in him, and you believe what he says.

It's clear to any outsider that everything he says is bollocks and he is an arch-manipulator. He is simply turning your valid accusations round and trying to blame you for everything. It's a very common trick.

Bottom line, you know he's been spending large sums in lap-dancing clubs, he's had STI tests, you've had repeated UTIs, it's clear what he's been up to. If he had genuinely thought he caught something from you he would have asked straight out, not had tests on the quiet.

Either way you do not trust him, and without trust you have no relationship. He's not interested in building up trust, so the relationship is over.

He's not interested in truth, he's not interested in your wellbeing, everything he does and says is to keep the upper hand and you under control. He will try and blame you, but he is the solely responsible for the failure of this relationship.

He speaks the talk of a guilty man gutted1
He has thrown away and ruined everything not you. I would get some legal advice pretty quickly.

He said I'd better look into how we can split everything why surely he is equally responsible to do that. I think he hopes you fall on bended knee and apologise. Unless you are prepared to put up with the lying and cheating l would be taking him at his word and if he wants to find out the information let him do it himselef.

OP, you are being quite efficiently manoevred into simply being the Little Woman who provides Domestic Services while he openly gets his sleazy kicks elsewhere.

If you back down now, you will feel less and less able to speak up against his behaviour as he has certainly found the correct bunch of phrases to get you to STFU and rol over.

He will stop bothering to hide his philandering soon. He won't need to.

I don't know about anyone else, but I can smell the bullshit from here......

I know you are scared that there is some part of you that is wrong, and you could be splitting up your family for nothing. But you have to trust me on this - you should be more scared that you are right and he's about to become one more smug bastard that will waste even more years of your life.

This is far far worse.

If this was me now in your situation and ive been in this situation I would be calling his bluff. He is relying on you doubting yourself. Scrap that, he is manipulating you into doubting yourself. Tell him over and over, you don't believe him, you have nothing to say, unless he tells the truth and if he isn't capable of that, then it is over. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Do not get drawn into answering any questions, justifying your position. Etc.

'I don't believe you' no matter what he says.

In my experience when faced with losing everything they fold like a pack of cards.

Be prepared to follow through though.

I wish it was that easy.
I love him, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But no, I can't see living like this, always wondering for the next 30/40 years.
I'm having a constant battle of emotions inside, flipping from believing him and feeling bad and not believing him and hating him for lying. If he did have this text ages ago why keep the card, if he had called and got the results then surely he would have binned it???

Why did he need a test at all? Because he'd had unprotected sex with someone. He's lying. He just is. Once you get your head around not having to believe him, it will all fall into place. When he says something, just tell yourself, "There goes that lying liar lying again."

You do realise that all these holes in his story ARE holes. Right?

He's twisting you in knots, to twist you in knots.

Don't fall for this being complicated. It's not.

He. Is. Lying.

Your title says it all. It's all lies. He is a master liar and manipulator.

You will need RL help to get away from him. Don't waste any more time with him, you'll only get hurt again and again.

Well quite, if the test was so long ago, why keep the card for you to find. So it's most likely to be a recent test, but it makes no difference when it was, because it confirms he's having sex with someone else and checking to see if he'd caught anything.

You don't actually love him - the whole of him - you love the part of him you thought he was, but was not. Do you love the part of him that risked your health for 20 years? Who lies and manipulates?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life catching repeated STIs, knowing he's regularly going to sex clubs and having sex with other women? What that ever part of the plan?

You're young, you still have time to find someone lovely to grow old with, but you need to get out of this first.

He's lying. He just is. Once you get your head around not having to believe him, it will all fall into place. When he says something, just tell yourself, "There goes that lying liar lying again

Exactly. You need to step back OP and register that everything he says is lies.

No, he wouldn't need to bin the card - after all why do that when he's so confident he can get you to doubt yourself and shut up?

Believe me I know what it is to be churned up inside like this; these are not just empty words. The mistake I made was staying far too long, before finally realising that somebody who behaves like this simply isn't worth all the pain - and by that time he'd nearly broken me

Please don't let that be you

Like others on this thread, I too had one like yours.

Go to a solicitor and arm yourself with information. we chose the mediation route and it's worked really well for us. I have let him off with all his bad behaviour for the sake of my sanity. I don't care where he put his dick, it's just not coming near me. I have stayed in the house and have agreed decent maintenance. It's completely manageable and doesn't have to be horrific .

You haven't let your kids down any more than I have. They have. But accept he will always be in your life as the father if your child and tell him it's over.

XH moved out 10 days ago. And I am happier than I have been in many, many years.

You poor thing, I just want to give you a hug. Of course it's not your fault, and of course you haven't brought all of this on yourself. All you've done is get gradually more and more upset at his behaviour and found some pretty solid evidence. You haven't ruined anything at all, he is at the root of it all. He can deny and lie as much as he likes, but deep down your posts show you know you're right. If you hadn't said anything and you'd have stayed worried and upset you'd not have achieved anything, you'd have been living in an upsetting situation and false marriage, with two children who have probably worked out much more than you think already.

Stitch has it right, once you believe that he cannot be trusted, the lies he has long been telling you will be obvious. And then you can do something about it.

And I think you want to, or you never would have opened this thread, in the safely anonymous place MN provides.

You need to let him feel it worked again, while in the background, you are indeed looking into how you can split everything. He has lied about so much, take advantage of his paperwork still being accessible to make sure you know everything you can about your real, still joint, financial picture.

And get yourself to the clinic.

Hi OP,

Sorry you are going through this. Your husband is a lying shit. It will still take time to sink in properly, but you have been living this reality for a few years now. It is time to have a new set of assumptions about your life now. The truth is, he has conditioned you, over time, to accept really awful treatment. It will dawn on you that he has no respect or love for you. Nobody who loves you would treat you like this! You know it is true. Just as your body knows the truth that he has been having unprotected sex for years with god knows what. Recurring thrush etc is a sure sign. Your body knows. You don't need any more proof than that.

You can decide for yourself that this marriage is over. You don't need incontrovertible evidence, you don't need the STD card to have a date on it, you don't need a signed confession. This is not a criminal prosecution. You do not need to prove anything. You can go along to a solicitor with a list of instances of his unreasonable behaviour - and God knows you've got a few to chose from - and from there, divorce his despicable backside. You really do not need this excuse for a man in your life.

Here's the plan.

First thing Monday morning: Ring a local Family Solicitor. Make an appointment. Go.

Find a Sexual Health Clinic near you. Make an appointment. Go.

As a matter of interest, what have you ruined by speaking up? What exactly have you ruined?

You can cope with the children. You will fine you're a much better coper when you no longer have to cope with this turd in your house.