lies lies lies

[gutted1]

hi, Ive just stumbled across this site as I'm frantically searching for answers.
A bit of background - my husband and I have been togeteher for close to 20 years and married for 4 of these. We have 2 children, 1 together and 1 from my previous relationship. We are both 38.

Over the years I have always had an uneasy feeling that my husband hasnt always been true to me. He works for a large organisation in the city which often involves entertaining evenings and often trips away - dubai, las vegas, san francisco, amsterdam to name just a few. I never accomapny him on these trips.

About 6 years ago I came across a bank statement which showed he had spent just under £1000 in a lap dancing club. I was gutted. I did confront him and immediately got berated for 'looking through his stuff'. He said he was drunk and nothing had happened and that he had been 'conned'.
We got through this and decided to truely commit and get get married after so long together.
I'm not sure if things got better or if I was just ignorant to it!
Over the years there have been several nights out in which my husband would not return home until the next day or very late. He would get very drunk, to the point that on occasions he has passed out, fallen asllep on trains, come come with black eyes, cuts to head, lost phones/laptops etc. He will never tell me where he has been or what he has been doing. He keeps his finances seperate and I have no idea of what he spends and where. I have found out that he has continued to visit strip clubs and spend alot of money there. I dread to think what the money can buy him.
It came to heads just before christmas last year when he failed to return home after a night out. I had to lie to our son in the morning that he had stayed at a friends when I had no idea where he was and if we was even ok. When I returned from work that eveing he was home, he had cuts to his head and bruising. He said he fell asleep at the station and fell over. Again, I was gutted and just didnt know what to believe. He said he couldnt continue like this and that the drink would kill him or ruin our marraige - its true it is! He said that he jst couldnt go out any more.
Things had got better, he had gone out very rarely and not got in this state but things have still not been great between us.

We are very rarely intimate - im not sure if this is my doing or his or down to how i feel about everything. Since having our son our sex life has been a little awkward as we rarely get any privacy. I find this hard as I feel uncomfortable if our son is awake and in the room next to us. I also suffer terribly with cystitis and seem to have constant thrush. Any sexual contact results in this. This is a horrible situation for me as I have needs too, it isnt that I dont want to be with my husband, I do. I feel Im letting him down in that sense but then it does take two. Over the last 8 months on the rare occasions that we have been intimate, the way he wants to do this is different. This makes me paranoid that he has done these things with other women. I have suspected he has been unfaithful but didnt want to believe it. I fear that he has had sexual contact with strippers, random girls he has met or even prostitutes.
He has recently been to amsterdam on buisness and he lied about only going out for the work dinner as I have found reciepts showing otherwise. I feel dreadful for looking for such evidence but I just have had the most awful feeling.

It was this eveing that I discovered a card in his bag for a sexual health clinic showing that he has been tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphillis. This has made all my most dreaded fears become reality. There would be no need to be tested for these things unless he had had sexual contact with someone. I am devestated.

Im not sure what Im hoping for by posting this on here. He is away this weekend. I have kept the card. I know that he will discover it is gone. If I confront him for this I know he will blame me for 'looking through his things'. But to me, this just proves that I wasnt the one going crazy, my fears and thoughts have been valid. Im not sure what else to say right now. apart from gutted. :(

He is really pushing your relationship beyond the point of no return.

He doesn't want to save your marriage because he left it years ago.

Don't waste any more energy on him. You need a solicitor, urgently. Otherwise he will try and fleece you.

The way he is lashing out and blaming you shows you this is no misunderstanding, he knows full well he has done. He doesn't even try to sort this mess in a calm manner, he just blames you.

Get angry, gutted, you are still being treated like shit, you deserve so much more.

I truly do not understand why you are still trying to engage with this man.

Gutted, you may be at the stage where you want to save your relationship, but it is glaringly obvious to the rest of us reading it that there is nothing worth saving here. He is cruel, uncaring, unloving and selfish. Why would you want your life to be spent with him? If there were any saving to be done, it would have to be by him, and despite this thread going on for a while now, he has not done anything to move towards reconciliation, he just blames, schemes and makes you feel upset.

Come on lovely lady, you did so well getting the new job. You are worthy and you are lovely. You impress people - those that interviewed you, those of us that have read your posts on here. Please put some of that courage into getting advice and working towards getting yourself somewhere you can be happy in the future. Somewhere he is not suffocating you with sadness.

There's not much I can add to previous PPs other than to join the chorus shouting that this isn't your fault. You have done nothing wrong and what he is doing to you is abusive.

Gutted. I know it's scary and all of this is happening so fast. You can take it at your pace. You obviously can make whatever decision you want. Please make an informed decision. A solicitor will give you advice. They are impartial, they take instruction from you. But, they will tell you how to protect yourself. Also, I think that you should take advice from a marriage guidance counsellor - you need an objective perspective. You need to be informed before you take or don't take action. Please listen to the voice in your head that says how lovely you are. Your husband is trying to hush it because attack is now his only form of defense. By not engaging with you he is admitting that everything you think he did is true. I know it's difficult to acknowledge. Be very gentle with yourself, you are patently a good woman.

honeyroar Tue 21-Apr-15 18:55:33

yes.

This man is starting to sabotage your ability to work that new job - via his demand for car. Don't give it to him lend it to him or in any way share it with him. Tell him to get his own. Either that or be prepared to get yourself another one very fast.

I really can't see how you can hang onto this man but it's up to you. One thing is for sure he is going to push and push and push. How much will you take?

Don't let him sabotage your job by taking the car. He can't sell it from under you if it's in your name.

He's sabotaging your life. Grinding you down, destroying your confidence. You have to get away from this man. Call woman's aid and get out. Get a good solicitor. Please.

OP, this man despises you.

He just continues with his motto : lies lies lies

For someone as decent as you are it is probably very hard to grasp that someone can be so rotten.

Ah yes, CoffeeBeanie said it right - I was so caught out because I simply couldn't believe, contemplate, anticipate what shit would be thrown at me. Though I did have XP demanding I give him the keys to my car since he had the loan. I paid everything else for years and years but we never married. Anyway, I had the keys and log book in my name. It was about the only thing I got out of there with. It was an ancient Ford Granada (great car!) so don't go thinking I escaped with the Merc (I wish!)

PLEASE get legal advice asap because it may be that things are about to explode.

It is hard. We've been together so long and having the children it's not easy.
I do know deep down its over and I don't want this any more but admitting it on the surface and following through is really difficult. He's my husband. Despite it all I love him.
And I guess I'm scared deep down that the children will blame me and resent me for it. How could they ever know the truth when even I do not.
The crazy thing is we have 2 cars and both are in my name.
I will not let him sabotage my new job, that's my fallback. I don't start for a while so time to sort myself out.

I totally understand about the Knowing that it's over, about the heartache of vestigial love and of course the DC. But I, as an outsider, see this huge new job as a huge new sign from the cosmos that this is your time to make huge changes. It is literally a change in direction for you. For YOU. Take it on board please. And aha! you can have two cars if you like!

Loving someone doesn't always mean living together happy ever after. Reality counts too.

OP, this is not your fault. You have believed in this man and invested your energies in this relationship. BUT he is not the person you thought he was. HE has pulled the rug out from under you. Instead of being pleased or supportive of your success, he is throwing shit at you about a car WHICH IS IN YOUR NAME! How would you be behaving if the situation was reversed? Don't you deserve that respect?
If you do go to counselling, go alone. This is a man who would abuse the trust needed and cause you further damage and heartache.

Has he said he will stop shagging other women and engaging in God knows what other lowlife activities that entail him getting beaten up by fuck knows who for reasons unknown ?

How were your STI test results, love ?

Is this really how you want to live your life ? No man is worth this. He is a thrill seeker of the worst kind....he does it at the expense of the people he is supposed to love

he doesn't love you....he hates all women and he won't rest until he has systematically destroyed as many as he can either in reality (you) or metaphorically (in the way he pays money to abuse all the others)

He doesn't act like a husband and yo really need to sit down and think about what it is you love about him. Make a list, because honestly I think it will be very short

You have had to go ford an sti test because of him...does this fall into the category of husbandly behavior and love

Gutted, excuse me if I am a bit nagging but yes, I would like it very much if you could write a post about the nice side of his personality- what makes you love him; up to now you just brought up his dark side. Good Night!

Dear gutted

I pm'd you.

xxx

Gutted, can you put into words why, when he blames you for everything, you believe him? What are your thought processes?

Deep down you know that's all bollocks right? That, no matter what he says, he's the one who's completely ruined this relationship.

Not only is this over, it's very clear that he doesn't even want to save the relationship. You can't force someone to talk who doesn't want to. You can't force someone to try and fix something who doesn't care. And you can't force someone to love you who does not.

You would do so much better to put that energy into discussions with solicitors and find someone good to help you.

Did you call the number on the card you found?

I may be wrong here but if he had been tested positive for any of those std's he would presumably not be advised to have sex for a certain time. So stonewalling you achieves that

But, as you've now had tests - if they come back clear, then if you were to catch something it becomes very clear where it's come from doesn't it

I wonder what he is talking about when he says you've ruined everything? His lifestyle?

Dear Gutted,

I am picking up that you aren't ready. You aren't ready to split up, and that's ok.

Sometimes it isn't the thing which is the last straw which finishes you off, but actually being strong enough to end the relationship and face the future.

You have all the facts, all the evidence you need. You are, I think, in some denial.

My marriage fell apart 4.5 years ago. Horrible, disgusting, sleazy behaviour of XH. I ended it 6 months ago. I just said 'it's over'. I went to a solicitor. I just did it.

In those last four years I hated myself. He didn't want to be close to me at all. We never had sex, he made no effort, he went out of his way to let me know how unattractive an I appealing I am. It's during that period I noticed the EA. He was of course fucking around elsewhere, as I sat at home, fat, unhappy, put upon, doing everything at home and for the children. Supplying everything of value in his life to him.

The end result is the same.

You get out and you save yourself.

XH moved out two weeks ago. I've lost a load of weight, am happier and confident. I have a lover. As an individual I am feeling great. As a family unit, we are doing ok. The DCs and I stayed put. We've a long way to go through mediation, but we're doing it and everything we do is child-based so to minimise the changes for them.

It is a do-able, and you may well save yourself in the process.

He is a dick. You do not need him.

I wish you all the very best x

By all means, love him.

But also protect yourself.

"I love you, but I can't live with you" is no contradiction.

An ex of mine told me he had had some "symptoms" so went to a GU clinic.
They told him that he should tell me (and any other contacts) that I needed to be checked out too.
Turns out I had gonorrhea.
He blamed me for messing him about and he dumped me a few months later

As he was the first and only person I had had sex with, I was pretty sure that I hadn't given him anything, it was the other way round.

He still maintains that I was the cause of our relationship breaking down.

Some men are very good at deflacting blame

Any update OP? Hope your ok

Well, an update from me.
I had to put my feelings and what had happened on hold for a while. Unfortunately my husbands sister was admitted to hospital. I won't go into details but it was serious and therefore I was put in a position where I felt I had to, and wanted to support him, and her. She is now on the mend, a long way to go, but just released from hospital, which is good.

Last week, I made the error of being a little rude to a friend of his who he had invited around. The timing was awkward and I 'got the hump', made the situation uncomfortable and this fed the fire, gave him the reasons he had been waiting for to emotionally demolish me once more. A reason to blame me for everything going wrong, a reason that I am bad.
It put us back in the position where he refused to talk to me.
He then, a few days later, texted me from work to say he was 'going for a few beers'. He arrived home just before six the next morning (again). When I refused to engage in argument, and said I didn't want to know, he said 'you're so wrong'. Whatever that meant.
Yesterday he called me an embarrassment in front of our son. He refused to let me accompany them to a local community get together saying that I'm just an embarrassment, I embarrass him and ruin everything, he can't take me anywhere. Yesterday was the first day I have been angry. Angry because this was said in front of our son, how cruel.

So, after several weeks now of awkwardness and a feeling of utter dread, we finally spoke tonight.
I said that I wanted us to get some kind of support, counselling, to help us understand each other and how we both feel and to see if we can salvage our marriage, our life.
He has refused. Said he doesn't want to.
He still does not see that he has done anything wrong. Feels it is totally normal and acceptable to frequently visit strip clubs, "it's business". He will not admit that he has been unfaithful to me. He will not accept any responsibility for the damage he has caused. He just says that I am trying to humiliate him and basically saying that I have caused this and I need help.
He has said that he is not prepared to move out. He will stay here and finish the building work that we are doing on the house and then he will sell the house and all our belongings, including cars and then we can go our separate ways. He has also said that we need to decide who will 'have' our son. Again, he is not prepared to give him up as such. His words were 'why should you get the home and our son, I've not worked to build all this for you to enjoy with some other man'. Like another relationship is anywhere at the forefront of my mind.

So that's where I am. Confused, frightened, not quite sure what to do next. But strangely relieved that we have finally spoken about it all. The last few weeks have been hell, trying to act normal when inside I have been breaking down.

Not quite sure what my next step is now.

See a lawyer. Get the divorce under way. Do it tomorrow. He has no right and no ability to make "decisions" about what happens to joint assets and your son.

There is nothing to save. He is a wanker. Divorce. Make sure you make a log of all assets before he starts selling them from under you. Time to start thinking of what is right for you and your child and not worry about that std riddled tool.