lies lies lies

[gutted1]

hi, Ive just stumbled across this site as I'm frantically searching for answers.
A bit of background - my husband and I have been togeteher for close to 20 years and married for 4 of these. We have 2 children, 1 together and 1 from my previous relationship. We are both 38.

Over the years I have always had an uneasy feeling that my husband hasnt always been true to me. He works for a large organisation in the city which often involves entertaining evenings and often trips away - dubai, las vegas, san francisco, amsterdam to name just a few. I never accomapny him on these trips.

About 6 years ago I came across a bank statement which showed he had spent just under £1000 in a lap dancing club. I was gutted. I did confront him and immediately got berated for 'looking through his stuff'. He said he was drunk and nothing had happened and that he had been 'conned'.
We got through this and decided to truely commit and get get married after so long together.
I'm not sure if things got better or if I was just ignorant to it!
Over the years there have been several nights out in which my husband would not return home until the next day or very late. He would get very drunk, to the point that on occasions he has passed out, fallen asllep on trains, come come with black eyes, cuts to head, lost phones/laptops etc. He will never tell me where he has been or what he has been doing. He keeps his finances seperate and I have no idea of what he spends and where. I have found out that he has continued to visit strip clubs and spend alot of money there. I dread to think what the money can buy him.
It came to heads just before christmas last year when he failed to return home after a night out. I had to lie to our son in the morning that he had stayed at a friends when I had no idea where he was and if we was even ok. When I returned from work that eveing he was home, he had cuts to his head and bruising. He said he fell asleep at the station and fell over. Again, I was gutted and just didnt know what to believe. He said he couldnt continue like this and that the drink would kill him or ruin our marraige - its true it is! He said that he jst couldnt go out any more.
Things had got better, he had gone out very rarely and not got in this state but things have still not been great between us.

We are very rarely intimate - im not sure if this is my doing or his or down to how i feel about everything. Since having our son our sex life has been a little awkward as we rarely get any privacy. I find this hard as I feel uncomfortable if our son is awake and in the room next to us. I also suffer terribly with cystitis and seem to have constant thrush. Any sexual contact results in this. This is a horrible situation for me as I have needs too, it isnt that I dont want to be with my husband, I do. I feel Im letting him down in that sense but then it does take two. Over the last 8 months on the rare occasions that we have been intimate, the way he wants to do this is different. This makes me paranoid that he has done these things with other women. I have suspected he has been unfaithful but didnt want to believe it. I fear that he has had sexual contact with strippers, random girls he has met or even prostitutes.
He has recently been to amsterdam on buisness and he lied about only going out for the work dinner as I have found reciepts showing otherwise. I feel dreadful for looking for such evidence but I just have had the most awful feeling.

It was this eveing that I discovered a card in his bag for a sexual health clinic showing that he has been tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphillis. This has made all my most dreaded fears become reality. There would be no need to be tested for these things unless he had had sexual contact with someone. I am devestated.

Im not sure what Im hoping for by posting this on here. He is away this weekend. I have kept the card. I know that he will discover it is gone. If I confront him for this I know he will blame me for 'looking through his things'. But to me, this just proves that I wasnt the one going crazy, my fears and thoughts have been valid. Im not sure what else to say right now. apart from gutted. :(

You are right, I'm worrying about material things. Those things are trivial in the scheme of things and yes I am lucky that I have a career.
I'm worried how the children will react, they will be devastated too, particularly my son. I know that the damage living like this would be worse. It already is harming them. They're not silly,
I just feel sick with worry. I haven't been able to eat today. This will make me ill if I'm not careful.

The really sad thing is that I was in a similar situation many years ago with my daughters father. Only it wasn't just the cheating. I was a victim of DV, emotional and at times physical. I walked out on him at 38 weeks pregnant. Things were really bad then and I was lucky enough to be relocated in a new part of the country to make a new life. A happy safe life. Or so i thought.
I must have 'pathetic' written across my head!
Do you know what though, the pain from this is far worse.. I feel these past two decades have been one big lie.

You have to eat. Soup, milkshake, chocolate..? Just eat.

You are a strong, successful woman who has overcome some of the worst behaviour another person could throw at you. That doesn't sound pathetic to me.

YOU are not pathetic, your husband is.

Don't even start thinking this is your fault. You've picked two rotten ones, there are still many decent ones out there.

I understand why this hurts so much more. Your ex was abusive and you knew it. Your husband's betrayal was secretive and he is still denying it and probably will until you present the evidence. He will only admit what he cannot deny anymore.
That's being gaslighted and taken for a fool. He is risking your health. The wellbeing of his child's mum. He treats you like the dirt under his shoes. A whole different level of abusive.

for you op. As pp have stated you haven't done anything wrong.

My husband is back and I have spoken to him about it. I hadn't planned to but did.
As I thought I was the one in the wrong for 'snooping'. He said that he got tested because when I had cystitis a few months ago I made a comment (half joking half serious) that the Drs said I could have a std. He said that he wanted to get himself checked as he thought i may have given something to him. Wondered wether I had been up to no good. He's not happy at all. Said I'm self destructive and I have done all I can to ruin things and now u have my wish. Our son came in then so that's as far as the conversation went. For now. He said that he hasn't finished yet.

I just don't know what to think. Am I in the wrong. Have I got this all wrong and accused him of something he hasn't done? Or is lying? I just don't know what to think. He is the only one that knows the truth.
I asked him why didn't he tell me he was going for the test if it was because of that and he said that he shouldn't have to tell me every little thing. He said it was months ago. I wish this damn thing had a date on tithe. I would know if he's lying about this.
If I wrong then I have just ruined my whole families life.

wow, this guy is good

he just did an absolute master class in how to gaslight, shift blame, use passive aggression to get someone else on the back foot and how to get you to blame yourself

This is not a marriage, regardless of what the actual truth of the matter is

No, he has deflected the attention from his behaviour to you and now you are forgetting about what he has done and questioning yourself.
He did not get an STI check because he thought you had cheated on him. Nobody does that, without mentioning it to the potentially cheating spouse! And look at his behaviour - and yours - whose is more indicative of cheating?
Cheats always get mad at the 'snoop' for finding things out. That's also deflection. Keep your focus and don't let him confuse you.

But what if I am wrong? I've got no way of ever knowing. ??

and is this any way to live ?

You're not wrong.

Your husband is doing what he always does when he's caught out. Lies, minimises and blames you.

He does this because it works.

Don't let work again. Re-read your OP. Look at the list of things he's done. It's not acceptable, none of it.

Please, think of yourself and the kids.

No it's not.
I know it's not and if I'm truthful to myself then I know that this relationship is destructive. I can't live my life always worrying that he is not being honest with me. But if I'm wrong and he hasn't been unfaithful then it will be my fault and I will be responsible for destructing the family.
He said that I went looking for a problem, I create a problem when there isn't one there.

I know what he has done is wrong and unacceptable in my view although he will beg to differ on some fronts. Knowing that he has done these things while influenced by drink makes me think that he is lying about this and he got that test because he did wrong. That's what I believe deep down but what if I am wrong?

And if he did get tested because of why he said why did he not get tested for candida, urine infection or herpes. These boxes were not ticked on the card. Just the more serious that I stated before..

whether he has been unfaithful or not (I would put my house on it that he has....just his contemptuous and devaluing attitude towards you convinces me of that) he is cruel and entitled

he doesn't respect you...time to call it a day. These are damaging lessons your kids are absorbing

Sounds like your DH has been shagging around for most of your marriage. Your 38, that's young enough to start again. You've so much life left to live, don't waste it with an abusive knobhead!

He said you might've given him an STD?!

But he's the one visiting lap dancing clubs and staying out all night? Large unexplained amounts of money on his credit card? Do you have form for doing that OP? I expect not.

Even unprotected oral sex can pass on STDs. Please do get yourself checked.

I'd suggest another reason he's getting so nasty is that he's got away with it before and fully intended to go on doing so; men like this are arrogant enough to see such behaviour as their right, and he won't appreciate you trying to call a halt to it

MNers often say that the only thing which motivates cheaters is loss - and they're correct. Unless you're prepared to spend the rest of your life being dragged down, the only sensible option is to throw him out and see what happens next. Forgive me if I sound a bit bleak, but it took me far too long to do exactly this and I know the emotional cost involved ...

I will. I've checked out where the local clinic is.
This has just turned out exactly how I didn't want it to. Me feeling in the wrong saying that I don't want us to break. Me apologising.
How the hell is this happening.
I just wish I didn't give a shit, that I didn't care about him, that I could put myself first for once.

I'm afraid OP it's time to grow some balls, hold your head high and get the hell out of your marriage. It will be painful, tough and a big challenge. Today you are at the bottom of the mountain unsure which route to take, in time you'll be at the top of the mountain looking down on the dirty cheating bastard!

Be strong and be true to yourself.

He knows exactly how to control you.

"I know what he has done is wrong and unacceptable in my view although he will beg to differ on some fronts." - Oh, love. How could he beg a differing opinion that shagging other women and getting naked ladies to grind about on his lap is wrong?

" Knowing that he has done these things while influenced by drink makes me think that he is lying about this and he got that test because he did wrong" - If he knows he can't keep his willy in has pants when drunk, then why keep going out and getting pissed? DH occasionally goes out and gets a bit wasted. He wouldn't accidentally fall over and his cock accidentally fall into the nearest willing orifice though.

I just wish I didn't give a shit, that I didn't care about him, that I could put myself first for once

Yes, that's just it isn't it? You try to believe he shares your commitment to the marriage, believing that if you just do this thing or that thing he'll change - meanwhile he manipulates you and uses your uncertainty as a licence to behave exactly as he likes

Unfortunately it seems that he won't make any changes voluntarily - only you can do that now

Op, this is the first step of a long journey. You need to work on detaching, building up your own life and self esteem. He HAS cheated on you, multiple times. I would bet my house on it. The recurring issues after sex, the different things in bed, the lying, excuses and covering up. The separate finances and covering up. I know this because my ex did all the same. And somehow it was my fault, I felt the guilt. Because he'd very cleverly shifted all the responsibility for the family to me. So he could do what he wanted, but if I objected, he'd threaten to leave and it would be my fault.

The absolute worse thing he is doing to you is the messing with your head and destroying your confidence. He is a cheat and an emotional abuser.

Don't worry about the apologising, etc. It hard when they are there and swearing black is white and that its all you, not them. You have been conditioned for 20 years to accept this, not look too closely, so he's got lazy in covering his tracks.

Please talk to some one in real life about this. I'd suggest a visit to a solicitor to find out your rights and options, but I have a feeling you are not ready for that yet.

My head just feels like it's going to explode. I have such mixed emotions.
I'm terrified that I'm wrong and I have now just thrown my marriage away. And I'm terrified that I'm right and my husband no longer loves me.

He uses the phrase 'self fulfilling profecy'. That I have made this happen because I've been believing it. If he had never broken that trust then I wouldn't need to be paranoid or feel shit about myself. His vsitting those clubs affected me so much more than he realises. It made me feel like I wasn't woman enough for him. And I am getting older. I can't compare to the young girls in those places. I felt my body wasnt good enough for him any more.
He says that I wanted this to happen. I truely didn't. I want to be happy!
He said that he doesn't want to keep going round in circles like this. I asked if he loved me and he said it didn't matter if he did or didnt, he won't put up with this anymore. He said I'd better look into how we can split everything.
It really is an awful situation. To make it worse we are in the middle of building work on the home which he is doing most of himself. The practicalities of the timing couldn't be worse.
I really do feel that I have ruined everything. That I shouldn't have said anything.

Oh and he may not have got tested for candida, urine infection or herpes because he already has been tested. Or already has them. And if he has and has not told you, what ever treatments he has taken will probably not be effective, as he hadn't told you so you can get medical attention. then every time you have sex you may be cross infecting. If you understand what I mean.