HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

izzie you sound calmer. Writing thoughts down on here helps so much I find. Gets it all out. Glad DS1 ok. You'll sleep better knowing that.

You're right Izzie - there are no excuses for not doing the right thing. Full stop. DS2 could well be right. Mine avoids situations he doesn't want to deal with and always has. The guilt and perhaps regret of seeing you and his boys might be too much to bear? Not that that helps you.

Hope everyone manages at least 'shut eye' tonight xx

whyme2014

He also wants me to draw up an inventry of the house contents...well there's me, two kids and a border fucking collie.

cheeky bastard!!! and GOOD answer!!

Izzie sorry love it has been a really tough day. You've done so well coping on your own dealing with the endless problems his leaving has created - that's it's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Is there anyway you can get yourself a holiday. I know it did me the power of good to just get away for small bits of time - just visiting people, made me feel like I was living in hell for just a few days? In the interim do be kind to yourself, it's still very early in the process of learning to be independent, you're bound to have some steep learning curves. I know I do.

nogoing that sums up their attitude immensely, doesn't it? Mine had the 'right' to have fun and in the next breath was whinging about how hard his life was. All that money, all that 'fun', and he was still a miserable bastard.

Tabby my instinct was 'noooooooooooooooooooooo' to moving close by. You need your life outside of him. I realise that your DS would love it but given yours has a few 'control' issues, you kind of need the distance. Just my opinion though.

Ali well done on seeing a solicitor. It's amazing when you learn that 'he says' may well just be a load of crap. Word of warning, when she writes, he will become dreadfully behaved. I know I got days of shite - but please don't retaliate. Leave him to his panic/rage if you can (it's hard though). They don't like being told what to do and will hate the fact you've got yourself an ally.

Frizzy just cry and cry and cry and cry. Any attempt at food or sleep is good for you. I know how much of a struggle it is but any success on that front pay dividends, it really does. I promise you this gets easier but do whatever you can to look after yourself in the interim. Braving is right - anything they say now is largely going to be disappointment in the future.

I wholeheartedly agree with Font, call me a money grabbing bitch by all means, but it's water off a duck's back to me. First you look after your responsibilities, then you look after yourself. They fucked off and abandoned the lot, so let them call you names, you still got all the shit to deal with. What matters is getting yourself a future sorted out despite their damnedest, especially as they ain't part of the future.

there is an honourable way of dealing with a separation. There are no excuses.

you're right izzie...there is a right way but none of these no.6's would know how to do that.

As someone said before these twunts do sincerely believe that they should be happy f everybody else.

And I want to harden myself so that if he ever needs me, I will turn my back on him. I bloody know I won't, I have too much of a sense of decency that's because you are a decent, caring person.

Like I wasn't living a life of hell!!! The people I stayed with are fabulous.

Braving I think suggesting that your H takes your DD shopping for the camping equipment is a good idea. I think you're doing really well.

Frizzy half a bowl of soup is an achievement and it is not sad. When your stomach is so churned up it's bloody difficult to force anything down and chewing anything took forever anyway so soup is good. The early days that you are going through right now are hell, but I promise you it won't always be this painful. x

Fairy well done for going on the treadmill, exercise does help even if it's just a walk. They have a totally different view of life to a lot of us. My life was not exciting but I was content, but they don't seem to think that is enough, they think it has to have excitement and life is short so you have to make the most of it even if it means devastating the people you are supposed to love.

Hobbit hope you are okay. Hope the Jess pictures are as enjoyable for you as they are for us, but if you have a bad day and can't be bothered don't feel obliged.

Hello Carrot I hope your meeting with SHL goes well, come and chat anytime. x

Tabby sorry you are having a bad day. As Bobs says the answer to your question is whether it would help your DS to have his dad close at hand or not and if he will support him and help him or let him down and make it worse. x

Bobs he doesn't seem to have grasped the proposals bit does he, hope your email does the trick.

WWK pleased you have got the lump sum, that must be a big relief. Like everyone else on here I find it amazing that a woman as intelligent, strong and knowledgeable as you hasn't got job offers galore, good luck. x

They have a totally different view of life to a lot of us. My life was not exciting but I was content, but they don't seem to think that is enough, they think it has to have excitement and LIFE IS SHORT so you have to make the most of it even if it means devastating the people you are supposed to love.

iwas...that's exactly right. He flung that old chestnut at me...Life is short...yes life is short and but you don't have to destroy people to find excitement.

I feel sorry for these twunts...they will never love anything as much as they love themselves. How is that fulfilling.

Whyme - love the answer. The legal letters are horrendous, aren't they? Designed to wind you up even more - they are just spiteful, nasty things.

As far as I know you only need to inventories things over £500, and that's second hand value. Ebay is your friend here...so any jewellery can be valued per weight not what you paid for it. "Furniture" is per piece (not a job lot) so most of it won't need to be listed. Really, in most homes, all one needs to mention is the Picasso original you have in your loft.

I know MrSW gave me endless shit for not valuing things according to him, (accused of stealing, fraud and all sorts in the legal letters) but we had to do it all via Form E rather than via solicitor's and that form is really clear. I had streams of paperwork/evidence justifying why I hadn't 'disclosed' it in my Form E (worth less than £500!) and you know how much I was attacked on it in the Final Hearing?

Not one iota.

...and an ironic story here. A family member is selling their house and rang a couple of days ago to ask what to do with the stuff he had stored in their loft, which I had completely forgotten about...

..It's really unfortunate that he didn't list some antiques on his Form E, isn't it? And the court order has all UK-based assets awarded to me. Oh well.

Loving the Whoopass Hobbit!

Thanks WWK You're right the letters are awful. When I get one the air is blue for at least a couple of hours so I can let off steam.

As for the inventory...over £500...hmm...nope nothing...and defintely no Picasso in the loft...so I was right with the answer...me, kids and collie as we're all priceless.

I believe the weasel will follow MrSW with his financial fuckwittery.

So just a little bit of karma...well done. Enjoy them antiques!

Yes I echo what WWK says - it's resale value all the way, and only on items over £500. when using ebay, use the completed listings page, not items for sale, and sale costs can be deducted too. webuyanycar.com is good for car values - and remember cars are worth a lot less with the slightest scratch/dent.

Of course it could be that he simply wants to divide up the mugs/ashtrays/LPs/various other assorted crap accrued during the marriage and wants his share?

WWK you're doing better all the time. hope you can relax a bit now that final payment has been paid.

Braving I would not "expect" him to shell out for camping gear, but suggesting he take her shopping to get some of it is a great idea, not only a bonding session, but probably quite a fun thing for them to do together.

Izzie hope you've calmed down a bit. Sounds a bit like you are getting ready to do your thing and suggest finances get sorted? I think this would help you, and probably helps the DSs as well

Oh - and when faced with similar I asked him what he might want that he thought I had (possessions wise)

Hi bobs...I've already given him back his mugs, ashtrays and cds as for assorted crap ....I believe he's marrying her straight after the divorce.

Plus he already took the car with the help of the police so he owes me on that one.

Iwas yes, bit surprised myself at how hard it is to get a job - but that's a six year hole in the CV for you. The problem is too over-qualified for most jobs, and no recent experience in snr/middle corporate management (what I used to be). I'm accepting of the fact that now I'm going to have to start all over again in every aspect of my life - but when I have got interviews the first question is always "given your experience...why are you applying for..." and that's for trainee positions. Frustrating indeed. I'll figure it out but jesus the brain gets tired of trying some days.

So I have a question if anyone can help...

Although stbx has now produced CETVs for both pensions, he feels the need to consult an IFA before the next meeting and has said it will take the IFA 3 weeks to report back? Why would this be and why would it take so long if we have already done disclosure? What further info could he need without which he cannot respond to my proposals. I have said that (up to now) he can keep his pensions.

My feeling is that this doesn't so much have to do with the proposals, more that he is thinking of retiring early and wants to find out how much less of a pension he would get were he to do so.

Also another question (already asked but no-one answered) does anyone know of anyone's experience of arbitration as opposed to court proceedings?

"as for assorted crap ....I believe he's marrying her straight after the divorce" Brilliant

WWK 6 year hole in CV - I had a friend in similar situation - not interviews etc. She had her CV redone by an agency to help "hide" the hole, and started getting interviews straight away. she sent a copy of it and it appeared that she had been alway working. However it was all also truthful. Could you have been (ahem) writing a book for the past few years or going on courses?

I have very little in the way of qualifications - didn't even go to uni! I will eventually have to find something but will find it tough due to the random stuff I did in the past (middle aged villa girl/ski rep anyone? Used to be Cordon Bleu but stbx always thought her food was pretty crap)

Bobs no idea I'm afraid. Seeing an IFA is good for anyone but it shouldn't delay your mediation - it's just an analysis of different ways of structuring the money. Sounds like he's prevaricating to me, as you have already suspected. I'd tell him you want 'full and frank' disclosure on the report...and see what that does.

All Who is going to take over Hobbit's bar?

What I really love about Hobbit's bar is the supportive community it has so I like the idea of revolving OPs. I'm more than happy to remain as part of this community if you'll have me.

Thanks WWK I'll keep that in mind - doubt he'll give up anything up though. Think the info he wants is for his benefit alone! I've already suggested (via mediator) that his solicitor would be a better person to see. Anyway, whatever he chooses to do, i've had enough now and if he doesn't stick to my time frame, then that's it for mediation

I'm quite happy for you to continue btw....also don't mind if someone else wants a go - they just need to pipe up

ode to Izzie!

Oh Izzie! And your hidous Izzietinis!
And your decorating capabiliteze!
You perturb wale's with your apostrophez!
But I do !augh at your exc!amation inappropriatese!

Written by WWK

Haha, I love it!
My very own poem

And don't lose heart re the job thing. If you're desperate, you can have mine.......

Will catch up properly tomorrow

Meantime, have had a long chat with both DS and we've all cleared the air. Tonight took me back to the darkest days and reminded me why I want never to see that twunt again when all is done and dusted. There were other things said between me and DS2, comparing notes about what the twunt has said about me and what the twunt has said about DS2. Another nail in the coffin of both relationships there. It appears DS2 is in meh land re the twunt, and that he just finds it boring to talk about him. I'm relieved that he's meh. As I said to him, I will support and help him whatever path he chooses re his relationship with him. I care about my son. But as far as the twunt is concerned, if his sons aren't interested in a relationship with him, I won't be stepping in for the twunt's sake. Personally, I don't think they have anything to gain by contact with him, they don't respect him, they just see him as an idiot, mixed in with some sense of obligation because he is their father, even though in name only. Exactly as a friend's sons view their father, his ex.

Her ex, not his ex

WWK if we will have you?? Hell, yeah! We refuse to let you leave.

I see you are on her now, the photo has gone again.....

So, you have superpowers beyond your normal superpowers. AND you write poetry. About me!

You can run the bar if Hobbit says so.

I must go to bed, have had nothing to eat, knackered. But almost almost back in the land of meh.

Will pick up the posts tomorrow, lots going on again

Does anyone know how to make Karma happen? If so, get your finger out......

The karmic wheel turns in its own time Izzie .. and there's nothing you can do to hasten it, but still it turns ... for all of us!

........................... and that includes ex or soon to be ex twunts

Hope everyone managed to get some sleep - some of us are night owls and others are early risers ( me) . I hope we all have a good day today in the circumstances

Thank you for the welcome.

I really think I just can no longer FEEL. Except I can when it comes to my children because I had to go through all the "we (meaning he and his mother) can do a better job of parenting than you"
But because his mother literally seemed to believe she was the mother of my children I perceived this threat as real. Anyway, I am far away from them both now and the one thing I know those two pair of clowns will never do is spend MONEY. They were filthy rich and yet so tight. They will never spend the money it takes to get an international lawyer to have me send the children back, and by the time they did the children would be habitually resident in the UK and with me anyway.
I never thought I'd ever be "one of those women" but as soon as H and MIL started using the children against me the gloves were off!! Fuck them.

I had to ask him for a favour today and it reminded me of Izzie having to ask for favours around the house. My new employer is doing background checks on me and they extend to Japan so I've asked him (via Facebook) to get the documents I need because it'll be so much easier for him to do it seeing as he's Japanese. I got a polite reply back this morning saying he'll do it ASAP for me.
And that's when you start getting dragged in again, believing he's a normal person when really I know he hates me with a passion. Towards the end the entire relationship consisted of him despising me because I was getting in the way of his happiness with his new woman. But at the same time to social constraints on men divorcing in the country and region we were living in were pretty high. In other words, there's a huge social stigma for MEN in rural Japan who divorce. So what we had was a situation where I was miserable and confused, not understanding why my husband had turned into a monster, and him hating me because he saw me as the thing that was coming between him and his happiness.
His father has had NUMEROUS affairs and yet his mother still runs around after him, doing his bidding. Urgh.

Now H keeps asking when I'm coming back Err, never. Not least because it has not been fun living with my alcoholic mother and random partner of hers and I won't be putting myself in a position where I'll be doing this again in a hurry.

I have no settlement or anything because I don't want to give them an excuse to come after the children. I should be entitled to half his pension or I think he has even been paying a pension for me.
His father, by the way, lost his home a few years before we married because he had signed it away on a business deal. I could see my husband going down the same route. A few months before I left he had begun remortgaging the house to buy things HE wanted, without asking me, like a brand new black truck. Time to jump off this sinking ship, I thought to myself.

Sorry for the epic essay!

remind: to tell myself that who really minds being loathed by a dirty old lying bastard bully of a cowardly man in a bar who hates women. Not me

Re read this just now. Made me smile. Thanks to WWK

Can I just add that job offers weren't forthcoming. I even found myself getting roped into a door to door sales job, only they didn't tell me that's what it was in the interview I lasted two days. It finished at 9pm on a school night. I was desperate to leave my mother's house and was not entitled to a single sausage in benefits for the first 3 months after arriving into the country.
I hope this current job takes off, if they manage to complete the background checks which are already taking far too long. So we'll see.