Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

999 replies

WellWhoKnew · 11/04/2015 00:19

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

OP posts:
Thread gallery
42
Izzie595 · 22/04/2015 07:26

Times like these I focus on moving. I'm not looking after his fucking investment for him.

TheOldWiseOne · 22/04/2015 07:29

Izzie595 sorry you are having a rough time with one thing and another - you ( and the others) have been so helpful and supportive to me on here..have a Brew Hope you get your water sorted out soon..

TheOldWiseOne · 22/04/2015 07:32

Yes izzie they walk out, still have a financial interest but have no real interest in what is going wrong with it - maybe we should let it become a rat infested "hoarders" type place full of dog turds and other assorted shite!

Izzie595 · 22/04/2015 07:50

Still ranting but I won't react to him. Counter productive. But I'm storing up all these resentments. And will think of them all when we move towards negotiating. And when he wants help when he realises he's cocked up big time. It would be too easy for me to give in and be very reasonable. But why should he benefit from that. The person who did more damage to me and showed fuck all loyalty to me and his sons. Till on Father's Day. He won't even get a card in the post now he's with her. Kids don't know where he lives and wouldn't ack her presence by posting something there anyway. Where the fuck is karma??

Izzie595 · 22/04/2015 07:54

Thanks wise but the best thing is I now have no left over regrets about him leaving. Cured and back in meh land. Well angry land at mo. The builder will sort the water. The twunt is beyond all repair

Rozalia · 22/04/2015 07:55

Morning ladies. Sunny here, another day at my new job and I'm loving it. Had a comedy moment with a water fountain yesterday, which brightened everyone's day.

Font, wise words regarding financials. My twunt keeps promising to be fair, generous even. His plans apparently mean I will have to trust him. When I pointed out he'd not kept any other promises or vows, why should I trust him on this, he was outraged at my unjustified cynicism. Seriously, he's insulted.
So now I just hmmm at him. Everything will be nailed down by SHL, there will be zero trust.

I so admire your decisive action Font, grasping that opportunity when it came along. Total NC too. I feel better and better the more days that go by without any communication with twunt, he wants us to be friends and can't understand why I don't want that.

For the moment there has to be some communication, but I'm not giving up any more of my precious life supporting him through his turbulent emotions. When he walked out on me he also walked out on my first class support and understanding.
I understand him very well, but not in the way he wants. You can't fix someone with a personality disorder, well I can't anyway.

I hope we, collectively, have been of some comfort to our new ladies. Izzie! said yesterday that one of the strengths of the bar is that we are all have different perspectives so reading it you get many different, erm, perspectives Grin. So true.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 22/04/2015 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hobbitwife001 · 22/04/2015 09:30

That's a difficult one, tabby my love, teenagers are complete pains in the arse sometimes aren't they? I had some problems with big son when he was 15 or so, but can't say having ex around really helped, they just used to butt heads and argue. But it is draining to deal with your sons problems when you are already struggling emotionally, I'm the same re my youngest's eating disorder, I just thought, ' I can't cope with any more'

So I txt the ex, and he came to talk to him, and just made it worse! Just denied there was any such problem, and he was mimicking symptoms from the Internet, so that was a complete failure on his part and now my son does not even want to speak to him, never mind see him.

So it depends totally on your own personal situation, what's best for you, may not be for your son and vice versa, I do feel for you, I can recognise your distress in your words. Xx

bobs123 · 22/04/2015 11:11

Tabbie yes that's a tough one. We took on stbx's son when he was about 14-15. I think his grandad was the father figure but he passed away. When his Mum said she was throwing him out we agreed to have him. What we didn't know was that he was already into drugs and such-like. We had him till he was 16 and I had to eventually give him the choice of going to school to do his GCSEs, or choose to live elsewhere. He stayed in bed the following day so I told him he had to move out. He made his choice. I think stbx tried to help, but being the twat he is, he also wound him up and messed with his head, gave him 1000s for drugs and made everything worse

I think you have to ask yourself whether it would help DS to have his dad around or not. Didn't you say that your stbx was into drugs at one point? did the problems with DS start when you split up? If stbx is abusive then might that not screw with DS's head even more?

Ali3333 · 22/04/2015 11:53

Tabby, my problem is DD and her being angry ( rightly so ) but wanting her Dad ... Breaks my heart that she doesn't either see or understand his controlling. My dhead is demanding I get out so he gets in ... I've appointment at solicitor today and I have this stomach wrenching dread that he's taking me to court and is going to spout some form of lies about me. DD will then be stuck with him and I'll be on streets Sad

Hobbitwife001 · 22/04/2015 12:09

Ladies, here's jess today, thinking about opening a large can of whoopass on all the pathetic excuses for men we are dealing with .... Go Jess !

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.
Ali3333 · 22/04/2015 12:33

Do you think Jess would come bite my bite my dhead in the ass for me Grin

Frizzybear · 22/04/2015 13:00

Hi all terrible morning, sobbing at the reality of it all, stupidly phoned him at work, lots of silence and some irritation when I needed some questions answered, spoke to my Sil who was there yesterday when he spoke to his brother, she said he was very adamant he didn't love me anymore and he can't help how he feels and that's it! All those years of love and loyalty and children for this, kids aren't too bad, eldest who's 18 was with me while I sobbed this morning, so wise and supportive so proud of them all, phoned friends and told them, it helps make it real, not eaten since Sunday night really have to try but the thought makes me heave, just so scared and lost, this is day one of the biggest mountain I've ever faced, he's coming to see the kids after work tonight, just dreading it as then the cycle starts all over again

carrotcakeandwine · 22/04/2015 13:05

Just sitting over in the corner to lurk a bit and maybe chat. I have a meeting at the end of the week with SHL and am waiting to see exactly where I stand.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 22/04/2015 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ali3333 · 22/04/2015 13:17

Frizzy you're not alone. I've done it too and still get very tempted to ring him despite what he has said and done to me. We are mourning our loss. I was with him 22 years and still stupidly love him and despise him. If you want to pm me please do. My kids are 15 and 19 and I know the struggles... I'm heading into solicitor now and no doubt more bad news

TheOldWiseOne · 22/04/2015 15:26

Just saw this on another thread and thought - that's a good one.

I want to rip his fucking head off and shit down his neck. Wink

TheOldWiseOne · 22/04/2015 15:28

fairylightsbackintheloft I like your attitude ! 08.51

Frizzybear · 22/04/2015 16:08

Feel sick with anxiety, I'm sorry to keep posting how pathetic I feel but I'm just so lost, still can't eat, had some mints and drinking coke, not eaten since Sunday night and he's coming round after work, just phoned him to say maybe just an hour and then we'll sort something out at the weekend, crazy that you can love and want someone so much but not want to be near them? I just need a couple of days knowing I won't be close to him, got some phenergan so I might get some sleep tonight and may feel like eating tomorrow, phoned my friends today, they are gobsmacked and just cannot believe it, we were always smug marrieds, just cannot get my head round any of it really, he was my world xxx

TabbyTortie · 22/04/2015 16:35

I'm reading your words and its all a bit of a fog nothing's going in I will try to read back again in a minute. Worried sick and lack of sleep. Nothing to do with drugs fortunately so it could be worse. More to do with risky internet behaviour, shutting off from the world, can't cope with my boundaries. Ex helped him before but I also think he was the cause of his problems in the first place. If I involve him he uses it against me. Yes ex was involved with drugs but not any more as far as i know.

TabbyTortie · 22/04/2015 16:52

Hobbit did your DS recover from the eating disorder or is he still struggling? It's a tricky age isn't it. If I involve ex he uses it as an excuse to blame me and my family and tries to alienate DS from us. But last time DS had a bad phase I thought it was worth it because he also helped him. Or I thought he did. He drags him out and forces him to be busy and socialise. But maybe that makes him more introverted in the long run.

Bobs what happened to your stepson did he turn out ok in the end? I don't know if it would help him to have his dad around. He was the cause of all his problems in the first place by being a family man all those years then suddenly abandoning us for OW and i hate him for that.

All I hope you come back from the solicitor reassured that dhead doesn't get to decide everything and feeling stronger.

Jess is so cute yet so kickass. Love her.

bobs123 · 22/04/2015 16:57

Sorry Tabbie got it wrong! Someone's DS on here got involved with drugs so I got confused Confused . How about counselling and CBT if he'd go?

bobs123 · 22/04/2015 17:04

No unfortunately he didn't turn out all right - currently serving at HM pleasure! Very different situation though in that stbx split with his X when their twins were 6 yrs old and she went back to N Ireland without telling him where she was, and he couldn't be bothered to look for them. I only met him 2-3 times before he came to live with us - discovered I was pregnant with DD2 at the same time. His sister has turned out absolutely fine, despite at one point being left in a hostel by her Mum when doing GCSEs. I think that neither parent was that good for them. At least your DS has you. Stay strong, continue to set and keep to boundaries. He will eventually respond to consistency in his life.

bobs123 · 22/04/2015 17:13

Spent today sending emails to mediator giving stbx time limits to submit any proposals PRIOR to next meeting, confirming what was discussed at the last meeting and detailed in session notes. Otherwise I have said mediator can give our slot to someone else. He responded with surprise that I hadn't emailed him directly and that he was planning to attend the next meeting.

NO Tosser - the idea is that you submit BEFORE the next meeting to show you mean business!!!! and no, it is not acceptable to say you need more time to see an IFA when you have had over a year to do so!!!

I have now emailed him directly and copied mediator in (to keep her in the loop) saying this - in a more polite fashion. I have even put the relevant bit in bold. what more can I do?

so the question is - will Hobbit get the next mediation meeting, or will I? Hmm

Ali3333 · 22/04/2015 17:27

Tabbie and others... Well just home from solicitor and it turns out (touch wood) that my sol is a bit kick ass ! Things have gone quiet but it seems because hopefully he has been warned to "wind his neck in". No Court proceedings to get me out of house as yet and hopefully be here until agreement can be reached about selling. So despite my feelings for him, both hating and still loving him, I need to concentrate on me and DD and getting us in a good place. It's very hard as I'm sure any of you that are Mums of teen girls know. But I just need to hang on for dear life and try and ignore her anger directed at me. Any tips on how to deal, greatly appreciated. He has chosen to be free of me but if he's feeling skint, under pressure and miserable from not being in his own home with DD then that's his fecking problem, not mine. Mid life crisis of a controlling self centred egotistical, bullying bastard !!!
Btw wiseone I actually nearly peed myself laughing at your comment ... Would love to see that happen xxx