HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

I really think I just can no longer FEEL. - I understand that sakura. I seem to be coping remarkably well but a couple of small incidents happened this week. Someone came into where I work to tell me that her father had worked for my dad in the 60s and how much her father had respected my dad. " he's a really good man" he'd often say. Her father felt lonely and ill at ease as he'd moved here from far away when he married.

My dad was always good with " The refugee uncertain at the door", it was one of his greatest qualities and if I've learnt it too I'm honoured.

Anyway, it brought tears to my eyes and I was choked up when I told someone later. Took me by surprise, although my dad died only 7 weeks ago I've barely cried.

Also, someone showed me an image of the major, major surgery one of my son's had 18 months ago. Not of him, another patient. I immediately started to cry. That whole business was terribly traumatising for me as a mother, but my H had only told me a few weeks before that his affair had only just finished. So I was doubly traumatised and holding it together for my son.

(I do recognise it was far more traumatising for my boy and I'd give anything to take that experience away for him).

I think I've had 3 major traumas in the last 18 months and I've largely suppressed my own pain because I'd fall apart otherwise. Someone once told me that your mind slowly deals with it as it can. I hope that's what's going on.

While my son was terribly ill, twunt was seeking solace with OW and contributing to breaking up her family (3children, 1 had a breakdown). When my dad died twunt had moved out days before after keeping me dangling for 2 years, lying about his true intentions. When my newborn GC was in neonatal ICU, ( and son was in hospital) Twunt was finding my absence a handy cover for shagging OW.

He wonders why I'm angry with him and why I don't want to be friends?

I do wonder if I will ever be "normal" after all this?

Rant over.

Morning ladies

Bobs first let me say I know nothing about pensions... But I asked my solicitor the same question yesterday. My h is due to retire at 49 from his job having done 30 years. He is due a big lump sum and handsome monthly pension. We have no other joint assets because our house is in negative equity. I was concerned that I was hearing whispers of a job change which I believed might have been to transfer the pension and keep it going for longer. My sol advised me that if at any point I believed this to be the case then there would have to be court proceedings to ensure that my half would be held and paid out in 6 years when it's due. But immediate action would be required. Now maybe your case is totally different but same principle ?

Just phoned docs to get an appt, mornings are so awful having to face the day again, I couldn't even get the words out to receptionist managed to tell her between sobs that I had to see someone today, she was so kind, she told me it had happened to her, and she understood exactly what I was feeling, god it's everywhere, finding it so hard, my dad did this to my mum when I was exactly my daughters age, never thought my lovely kids would have to endure this

Hi everyone, been out gallivanting what a social butterfly I am

Just caught up on all the posts, sorry you had a bit of a meltdown, Izzbob I just think you're pushing yourself too hard and for too long, I second WWKs idea about a holiday, look after yourself my love, special Jess pic for you today.

Why open a large can of whoopass on that evil dickhead my darling, I know you were knocked back by the nisi, it's a symbol that it is actually over isn't it? And that's hard to read in black and white.

But you sound so much stronger, harness that anger, kick his ass into touch!

Sakura you are a formidable lady to have done what you have, I take my hat off to you, well done, and welcome.

Of course I am happy for the lovely,

Thanks Ali I think due to your X being in the police they might have different retirement rules to the norm - earlier retirement etc. My stbx has normal retirement - in his case in just over 7 years. I know he can now take 25% tax free from one of his pensions. I think it is this he is exploring and the implications.

sakura well done on getting a job If he has being paying into a pension for you hopefully you can get the address changed as to where the details of this can be sent. Is your name on the house details?

How do you stop all this from just spoiling your whole view of life?

At times I just feel so bitter about everything and just life in general - other couples that I see out or e.g. if I see a couple with a baby I think " Oh yeah well it's ok for now - you'll find out when they are teens.." I feel as if I have no joy at all in life and I hate that he has done this to me - he has taken that away. I said before that I feel he has sucked all the life out of me and for the most part I feel devoid of any emotion! I feel like I go through the motions of living. I know that some of this is living in a state of limbo - the upheaval , the not knowing, the having to wait on all things like pensions etc , the sheer fucking having to go through it all but... I might cry at Supervet or something but not very often..

Do you think it will come back? To be honest there are times that I think that it is just an " age thing" and that as you get older you just get more realistic .

What do you others think?

I'm with you Wise I feel that whilst I no long feel wretched any sense of happiness or joy or excitement has been sucked out of me. Where I used to be a optimistic, cheerful soul, I'm now a cynical person. I do enjoy little things, but nothing inspires or motivates me. I feel like I exist rather than live if that makes sense.

I suppose when the pendulum swings back the other way, then it will all change but for now I don't have any sense of looking forward and I miss that. I just see the future as one long void.

I think as others have said, divorce is like a bereavement.

For those of us who have kids, i guess we cling to them as part of our little family unit, telling ourselves that at least we still have a family. For those with no kids or kids that have flown the nest and no family around it must be the worst. I for one am not looking forward to when DD1 might move elsewhere after finishing uni, and DD2 goes to uni this year as I realise I will have to make some sort of life rather than letting everything revolve round them.

Having said that, I am looking forward to DD2's 18th this Saturday. Family dinner out tomorrow, then on Saturday cocktails here, then off to a bar, after which I will leave them to go on clubbing.

Reply back from stbx:

"My view remains we are close to resolve but let me know if this not shared".

FFS I couldn't have made it clearer - such a No 6

Had a text from the no 6 here, hello did the taps get sorted? Ffs. I notice that texts starting hello means he's being friendly. Hi means civil. Good morning means pompous prick alert. I've not replied. He doesn't get it does he? Is the pope catholic?

DS2 was trying to smooth things over with me and DS1 last night. He's a brilliant mature and very tactful negotiator. It was going in my head but my emotions refused to acknowledge. Oh to live with me!! Later on he said he wasn't having a go. I said I knew that and it was going in etc. so proud of him. And ds1. I told him that he has stepped up massively since the split and he was very perceptive. Excellent kids a credit to me.

I'm going to look up what that can of whoop thing is that Jess has. I have a bit of free time at work. Took the opportunity to sit and vegetate and catch up on here rather than do the admin stuff.

I'm a lot calmer now. Think I'm in 'fucking idiot' mode re what I think of him.

Thank you for your comments. I have overdone things. And am run down. Could have done without the extra crises re the water.

Lots of stuff going on the thread. Especial thoughts to those at the very start of the process. I'm sure someone already saidcitvsends a shiver through those of us who have already been there. It's good to see fairy and frizzy I think, taking to each other.

I'm also amazed that some other posters are still very early into the split. Which shows the progress you have made.

We are all gradually getting it together. What doesn't kill us certainly makes us stronger.

KOKO xxx

No 6?

Hi all , no6. Is from my list of why they do the things they have done to us, Roz my love, was it thread 3 or 4 ? Not sure,
This is for all of us feeling a bit de galon < downhearted in Welsh> today, lovely Izzie , Jess thinks you need an Izzietini, and has kindly mixed you one up looks pleased, dosent she?

Roz No 6 = cunt (in Hobbitspeak )

Jess is starting early today - love that she's actually drinking it too

Do you know why she's got her snout in it bobs my love?
Cause jess's special recipe has got a sausage in it instead if a cherry!
Don't think it'll catch on in them swanky places darn' sarf' tho eh?
Tee HEE x

Or maybe it will, all Heston Blumenthal like

That last post raised the first smile from me in 3 days Thankyou
And Thankyou to all of you for your support, I will start replying to you all individually feel bad for not already, because you have given me so much more than any of you realise

Disclaimer: please be aware that no Jess's are harmed in the taking of and making of photos and cocktails purely for the entertainment and cheering up of ladies who are going through the hell of abandonment and divorce.

The only harm to come to her is the temporary loss of dignity while her owner puts yet another silly outfit or scenario together, cue pissed off look of disdain, and fat as a barrel terrier due to over consumption of sausages.

Thank you for your time, love hobbit. Xx

Frizzy my darling, I am a bit bonkers, and if I've made you smile that's fantastic, you are just at the start, it will get better, take care my love, xx

Yep - she's totally and utterly barking - just like her dog (but lovely with it too)

You hid that well - on close-up it looks like her tongue in the glass instead of her fave snack.

Chez bobs we do not have such posh naice cocktail glasses for DD2's cocktail soiree on Saturday - just ½ pint glasses (that's how we do thing oop north) my Mum would turn in her grave

Same as you WiseOne I was driving home today thinking I hate the whole world and talking earlier to a lovely pregnant lady I was thinking ah but before you know it you'll be dealing with a teen. Having your family ripped apart makes it so hard to imagine a happy future and I don't know about the rest of you but divorce is such a long and complicated process that I always seem to be waiting for the next thing to be over with. Spend my whole flippin life waiting thinking it'll be better after...mediation, FA, FDR, FH, waiting for letters and forms and documents, waiting for court orders to be obeyed which don't seem to be worth the paper they're written on, waiting for maintenance which never arrives. Can't wait for it to be all over with. Cant wait to be independent and not tied to him and all his stupid secrets any more. When I got my nisi I felt no emotion I was just so relieved to be another step closer to being free from him.

Eldest son has just told me he's going for a drink with his dad on Saturday night, why has that made me feel terrible, I know he will see them all and I want them too see him, but it just feels so real now, to top everything off I've just come on 8 days early and suffer with period pain like you wouldn't believe, what the fucking fuck have I done in my God damn life for all this shit, we've been through so much crap and I've stood by him through it all, loss of business loss of house, his dad dying, him having a nasty accident at work, all the financial shit, living in a rented house that's falling to bits, yet I'm the one alone now, What did I do! I feel like I'm going mad, I just can't seem to find any strength at all, and I've got so much more to come, I know I have, I want to hate him but I can't xxx

Bobs , her toungue is in the glass, she's trying to get the bit of sausage!
Re glass size, I agree, far too small, 1 gulp and they are empty , so normally make them in big glass, see hobbitini,

You will find your strength, frizzy my love, it's so early in the process yet, you're still in shock I believe, hang on in there , we are here for you. X

Hi all,

Small update from me as I need to catch up with the thread to see where everyone is.

I've enrolled myself on a top-up masters course to try and re-engage my brain and find a little bit of who I was before I became an enraged despot. X

Frizzy you didn't do anything to deserve it. He's selfish and everything that comes out of his mouth right now is to ease his guilt. At this early stage just take one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to and congratulate yourself for getting through that hour. Get as much support around you as you can. It will get better, you'll gradually get stronger, you already sound a little bit angry which will help you I think.

Hi Frizzy

I want to hate him but I can't

I understand that sentiment so much, especially what the fucking fuck have I done in my God damn life for all this shit I'm there right now and want you to know you're not alone. I'm still trying to figure this shit out but please rant and post away to your hearts content.