HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Well done Ali first hurdle over and I hope you feel calmer re you situation.

Re DD she might just be finding it easier to direct her anger at you rather than him. She has to blame someone for her world seemingly falling apart. All I can say is, try not to badmouth him to her if you can help it, don't do his dirty work when he tells you to tell her stuff, be consistent and just be there for her

fontella what an amazing story! I did something nearly the same but not quite as epic as you. I walked with absolutely nothing too, our first night here we slept on camp beds, we had no sofa, no dining table and chairs it was bloody weird, have collected a mish mash of incredibly unmatching furniture items since we have lived here. In fact its now become a mission to buy stuff that totally does not go with anything else.

Frizzy I cant really add much to the advice already given to you but just wanted to give you a gentle unmumsnetty hug. So sorry you are going through this.

Tabbie my youngest is a pre-teen yet the exact replica of Kevin the teenager (female version) I can completely empathise. I also have a 23 year old so have lived survived the teen girl phase once already.

Ali what normally works for me with my youngest when she is spitting bile in my direction "Im sorry you feel that way" and keep telling her you love her even when she is storming upstairs and being mardy. Kids will lash out at those they are closest to because they feel safe that they can do so.

Take it as a compliment, as hard as that actually is to contemplate.

Teens have such extremes of emotion, sometimes they just don't know how to deal with it so respond angrily. I am sure she is not angry with you per se, but at the situation, over which she has no control.

Im glad your solicitor is good :)

For me; I have made the grave error of engaging in some email correspondence with my H. I have already recognised that I am being "hoovered" (thanks again to MN)

I don't know how to respond right now so am going to say nothing. It has awakened a longing for things to be good, knowing they probably wont ever be again. So sad as I really do still feel love for the man right now, I really had hoped we would grow old together

I had to meet mine today to sort out my mobile phone, it's in his name, the idea was to transfer it to mine but all we seem to have achieved is putting it in both names and transferring the direct debit to me, I suppose that'll have to do for now. I don't want to change my number, but I might have to at some point.

Anyway I really didn't really have anything to say to him, didn't want to look at him, felt very little, irritated by him if anything - so I may have turned a corner.

He's taken DD out for dinner, she wasn't very keen and I think would have preferred not to go, but I encouraged her and they went, I'm sure it'll have been fine once they go there. I won't force her to see him, but I also want to be seen to encourage contact if you see what I mean.

He looked like shit certainly didn't look like a man living the dream .

He went out to have a good look at the garden knew he would, he made no comment but I bet he'll have questions for DD.

Hey ladies, some of us are opening a can of whoopass on the twunts and some of us are quietly struggling a little bit, that's ok, that's understandable, we are all at different stages, and are following or leading at our own pace.

Tabbie, my son is still dealing with his eating disorder, he is on hiatus from uni, while he tries to sort his head out a bit, I hope he will return in September. That's the plan anyway.

Bobs, my next mediation is set for May 12th, ff has set up a meeting with the pension fella before that though, to talk me through it apparently,
Love and strength xx

I really had hoped we would grow old together

Me too. My mum died in my father's arms, as he said loving and comforting words to her. She wasn't even a nice woman. Far from it.

He looked like shit certainly didn't look like a man living the dream

Funny that. My twunt too.

He looked like shit certainly didn't look like a man living the dream

Yes how is that? I saw mine today in the distance walking away and it was a sad sight - I felt sad that it has come to this. I keep on thinking - "oh today we could have been doing this and that and that and going here and there ...." Instead I am trying to get through each day one at a time and he is pursuing his dream of " happiness" living in a relative's spare room..

frizzybear just FYI I barely ate for weeks and lost 5 kgs in the first 2 weeks..it is to be expected - just keep yourself hydrated and try to eat something to calm your stomach - mine was tinned tomato soup and toast when I was able to eat. I eat better now but still not up to my usual which is a good thing as am now in my skinny jeans.

Frizzy I only had cups of tea for the first week, my concentration was at 0% I had to stop driving, I wasn't safe.

Five weeks on and my appetite is still poor, I'm still eating what I can manage, but I am eating regularly, it does get easier, but you will only see that when you look back.

Hi all, still can't add more to the good advice on here already. Sorry to hear of the sadness but some signs of 'meh' too

Personally, I'm so much better when I don't have to see him. A miserable weekend but I'm almost feeling happy tonight - if endlessly exhausted - as he's been away for a couple of nights and I feel so much calmer and more able to cope. He's rung but I've ignored. He's got DS's mobile if he wanted to speak to him. Landline means me. There's nothing he could say that I would want to hear tonight. Only a couple of weeks ago I'd have leapt on the phone. Progress. Hang on in there all xx

Quick Question, my daughter will be going away on an activity holiday which means buying some camping gear as well as clothes and the usual stuff.

Should I expect H to contribute to these sorts of extra expenses, in addition to maintenance?

I was thinking of suggesting he could take her shopping for the camping equipment, it would also give them something to do one weekend as they seem to be struggling.

Spent hours trying to sort the airlock in cold water. Had to go out to get a bit but otherwise spent 3 hours. Thought had done it but not so simple. Had a huge row with DS1 who has fucked off. No idea where. Not a word from the cunt who caused all of this. I will hang him out to dry for everything he's done. DS1 said amongst other things that he couldn't see why I didn't just phone the builder. I said because I should be able to do it and how the fuck does he think I can afford to call out someone every time I think I can't do something, because the bill would be in thousands by now. He also said that he couldn't see how it would work. I said it was on the internet. His reply was well anything is on internet. Red rag to bull, told him he was like his fucking sperm donor so called father who never believed anything and don't ever mention his name, have him in my home and sod off if he didn't like it. He said what the hell is wrong with you. Another red rag considering the fucking weirdos who have been the cause of all of this. Builder is coming round tomorrow. I'm fucking sick of waking up at the moment. It's one thing after the other. I have no intention of contacting DS1. I refuse to deal with another one who takes off. I don't give a fuck if that makes me a bad mother, they will switch allegiances when they sniff the money. Fuck it I really don't care about any of it anymore. I'm sick of dealing with all of this shit. I got rid of one set of shit to be dealt another hand. I've a good mind to just take off myself and just disappear. Posting this. I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm beyond it all now

Managed half a bowl of soup :) feels like such an achievement, God that sounds so sad, he came round earlier, all ended up in tears again, kept saying he was sorry and me and the kids will have whatever he can give us and that he won't let us down, he says he's going to do all repairs in the house and make it nice for us, but all I want is for this to go away and him come home to us, but I know that's not going to happen, he apologised for how he's treated me these last few months, at least I have 2 days without having to see him now, it's just so painful

Frizzy Take all these early promises with a pinch of salt, it might happen and he probably believes it himself, but in my experience the enthusiasm for coming over and helping soon tails off.

Izzie No one is judging, it's hard, look after yourself.

The only good thing is that I have no intention of rewarding that cunt by texting him to tell him what a piece of shit he is for yet again leaving me to deal with it all. I have never hated anyone so much. I slammed my hand against the door in utter rage tonight. Yes he's reduced me to that. Off to collect the remaining son. Maybe I will have calmed down by then

Aaaaaw izzie sorry to see that you are feeling like this tonight . It just all gets too much at times and I know what you are saying about feeling that you should be able to do things by yourself...at least you have written it all down here and that is a little bit of of the battle - getting it out!!!

izzie and frizzy xx

Oh Izzie, I find that when older DC are home for any length of time, arguments erupt - especially at times of stress and especially with DS. It's so upsetting but normal I think. I love them so much, miss them horribly and worry about them continually, but live with them
permanently.....That would be a strain. You sound as if you've been a fab mum to your sons. Sometimes they need to know where 'the line is'.

It's been an endless bugbear of mine that he's never had to deal with the seemingly endless issues of our very old house. Leaks, drains, mice, rats (!), fallen trees, chimney pots falling off etc etc and seemingly always when he's been away. It's kind of why I think I'll have to move out of our home and leave him to it - as much as I love it here. The endless conundrums of this crappy situation I guess.

Hang on in there Izzie. You've been an inspiration on this thread. and/ or

roz heartbreaking isn't it :(

frizzy you probably don't realise it but I think you've made baby steps of progress already by reading your posts.

izzie sending you hugs. 1 is right you have been an inspiration on here.
You have dealt with all the fallout from his behaviour and you will get through this. Remember this shit is also down to him. Rant and rave on here about the injustice of it all. Unfortunately the children, whether they are small or grown, are the collateral damage of the war waged by the twunts on us.

You have done an amazing job. You are one strong lady and we don't think any less of you for your post. Don't forget you can say what you like on here and I'm sure one of us has already been there and experienced the same feelings as you. Don't despair. I've had major meltdowns and not actually realised the person screaming is me. That was very scary. The stress, anxiety and emotional GBH we are going through is enough to test a saint.

xx

Thank you for your support, much appreciated. Tonight has taken me back to the Headfuck times when I was so desperately unhappy and had no release. Stonewalling is utterly soull destroying being on the end of it. DS2 has talked to me and tried to smooth things over. This is one of those situations where I show anger but others would cry. It's a self defence mechanism and it's why I'm still here and not in a straitjacket after what I went through. This has strengthened my resolve to eventually settle for a clean break as far as housing is concerned. I'm not having him on my deeds. I want to know that if something needs doing, it is my responsibility to deal, and not his to choose as he sees fit. As I said yesterday, I'm not lgoing to look after his investment as though I'm some charity case or a mug. He will never set foot in my home. He certainly won't be giving it the seal of approval like the car. My overriding memories of those years were that I couldn't do right for doing wrong. Whatever I did, he chose to take it very much not in the spirit it was meant. I was dying inside, I was crying inside. It was nothing short of mental torture. A friend used the term EA. I think yes. I want to get all this down so I never forget what he put me through. So that when I negotiate a financial settlement I fight tooth and nail for everything I can. Call it blood money, compensation, whatever, he could have damaged me beyond repair, and he still continues. Not deliberately. He's a fuckwit. But that's no consiolation. And I want to harden myself so that if he ever needs me, I will turn my back on him. I bloody know I won't, I have too much of a sense of decency. But I wish I hadnt where he is concerned. Someone yesterday I think said they wished they could fast forward their life two years. Reminded me of a diary entry when we were supposedly trying to repair the marriage. I was imagining how life could be two years further on, having got my own place, just me and the kids. I said it would be difficult to get there, but it would be worth it. I should have gone then, that was two years ago. But this time, his behaviour since he left, that's enough to make me carry it through. DS2 said he thinks he may not help because he avoids any guilty feeling by absenting himself. Possibly, he is an avoider. Or maybe he couldn't give a damn. It's of academic interest really, either reason is despicable, and I know that when I left, as it were, I continued to do the decent thing by him. So I know from experience, that there is an honourable way of dealing with a separation. There are no excuses.

I'm feeling calmer now I've offloaded that. DS1 has been tracked down by DS2.

I'm tempted to push for a financial settlement after tonight. But I will only do so when I feel it's financially the right thing to do. However much I want to move on and away from him, I will make the financials the priority. They are often on my mind now. I'm churning it all over in my mind

Well done Ali on getting your legal advice sorted. As for DD..she will treat you worse as she knows you will not walk away unlike him. I've had trouble with my eldest DD and when I tried to tell him that she's been affected he just says.."she'll get over it". I tell her that I love her whether she wants to hear it or not.

Braving as for the camping gear. I think he should pay at least half. Although trying to get the money might be a nightmare.

Hobbit...loving the Jess whoopass picture.

WWK...glad the money has been sorted.

As for the way the twunts look after they leave...the weasel is trying to look like a teenager...logo t-shirt and tight jeans (yuk) I looked at a picture of him before he left and then remembered what he looks like now...I know it's the same person but the hate in his eyes is shocking.

Had a further solicitors letter from him today and again everything is my fault. I know I shouldn't be surprised what he sends me but this has got to stop because it's like systematic bullying. Every letter attacks me.

He also wants me to draw up an inventry of the house contents...well there's me, two kids and a border fucking collie. That bastard would have us living with nothing.

Izzie sorry that it's a struggle for you right now. No-one will judge you on here. Your son knows that you love him and care for him and that for all of you shit this is hard. There will be ructions inevitably but don't beat yourself up about it. It is not your fault and feel free to rant away about the twunt. As others have said you have been a huge help to everyone on here. x

WhyMe sorry you've had a rough time again recently. It must be very hard getting the decree nisi and not surprising that you were so upset. When your DD gets older she will form her own opinions and will not so easily be manipulated by her father.

1 delighted that you are seeing signs of meh too. I think it comes up a bit unexpectedly when you think about something and realise that you're not as bothered as you thought you would be. You are making great progress.

Ali pleased that you seem to have a good Solicitor. Good news about the lack of court proceedings, hopefully you will be able to stay in the house for a good while yet. Re your DD, just be there for her, reassure her and listen to her, accept that she will kick off and lash out and that some of that will come your way. Try not to take it personally, she is just trying to deal with a very upsetting situation at an age that is bloody hard work difficult anyway.

According you are better off not responding to his emails straightaway, give yourself a bit of thinking time before you reply, should you chose to do so. I understand the longing for things to be good, accepting that the reality is different is one of the hardest things to do. There is nothing you could have done that would have made a difference to his behaviour. There is an awful lot of looking back and wishing things were different and knowing that you still love them makes it harder, but it does get easier and you get less introspective and start to look forward rather than back. x