Is this ' too picky'

[brentonstripeandredlipstick]

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

But people go on about reality shows as if they were, you know, real It's never enough just to watch the bally things - nothing wrong with a bit of mindless escapist entertainment - it's that they will insist on talking about it afterwards as if it were interesting or something. Couldn't be doing with that.

Lol i guess you are right, they are obsessed. But all the sport talk I had to deal with drove me crazy too.

Don't lie Latara, it's not a lie you can keep up long-term and the stress of trying to will be too much. Lack of a long-term relationship may be a red flag to some, but being a massive liar will be a red flag to everyone.

I wouldn't worry too much about what people say on here, most people are not that judgemental in real life. If life was based on the mumsnet relationship boards the divorce rate would be about 98%.

Actually, if people learn to respect boundaries, or just learn how to treat their spouse well, the divorce rate will be lower. I think some of the things they say on here is on the right track (we still have a long way to go).....BUT i do agree we shouldn't be picky about how many past relationships people had.

Don't lie, Latara, I agree :) You want people in your life who love you, not some other construct you've created.

I did actually say no long-term past relationships would be a red flag for me. I wouldn't presume to set others' rules for them, except where there is abuse.

FWIW, I now have long-term health conditions and wouldn't want any partner who wanted me under current circumstances. I have thought this through properly and am quite sure. This doesn't mean I think all disabled people should stay single! Just me! (And that might be different in another environment, but not where I am now.)

I only know one person with a tattoo (old school friend) and Im in my forties. Colleagues dont have any as far as Im aware (we have a no tattoo policy), friends dont have them, nor do my family.

I am sure many of your colleagues. Most people don't have a tattoo on their face, you know. Bless you, I think you would be shocked at the number of tattoed people of all professions and standings you are interacting with every day. Unless you live in a nudist colony, of course.

This is true, people could have secret/private tattoos and deny they have them but I have seen my colleagues in swimwear (overseas conference including watersports/pool/boat), family and friends of course, again, on various holidays, sunbathing at home. The key though is that because it isnt the norm to have a tattoo where I live/work, it is discussed with fascination -a lot - and people are asked directly (by some) if they have (and looked down on sadly if they do). As has been said, it's a cultural thing and it's pretty staid where I live.

I'm guessing a lot of the OP's list is because she basically wants someone reasonably similar to herself. Which is sensible, because most statistics indicate those with similar outlooks and attitudes are less likely to get divorced, more likely to be happy, etc..

As for the tattoos, I'm the boring went to university from school into the traditional professions type, and yes, they are virtually unheard of. Most of my friends are similar and would have to cover them up at work, and also they tend to be quite quiet, studious types, and while parties might have been wild, they're not down the pub watching football with their mates. I dare say theres a couple with tattoos but I honestly cannot stand them, and if DH got one I would leave him. I just find them exceptionally off-putting.

Re the reality tv and computer games thing as well. Again, just common sense if you want a hard working person like yourself, they won't have much time for that. I'm healthy and don't really do much sitting in front of a tv. So I would find a man that has nothing better to do than watch that kind of stuff very uninteresting.

I agree its a cultural thing; I now work in continental Europe amongst a load of professional people, and absolutely no-one has a tattoo. Or certainly not a visible one (who the heck cares enough to suggest that some stranger might have a hidden one). It seems to me a very British and Irish thing and the more you are away, the more it seems really odd.

With you on the fussy eaters point.

My husband is hard worker and business minded but he does play games or watch tv at night (sports). He work with computers anyhow (business analyst). His dad is a workaholic though and always was away so he never was really a family man. He leave his wife home with the kids alone often too.

The trouble with us men is there is usually something wrong with us. Which makes lists dangerous, as each person you date makes you think of something else and you can just add another item to it.

As for dating younger women, most men try it. Its a nice idea but have you tried talking to someone that junior from you night after night. Either that or they grow up and realise you are not that smart or sophisticated after all.

I don't know anyone with a tattoo - I've been on holiday with all my friends so I'm sure.

I was a teen in the 80s and I had a standard wild teen London life, but tattoos weren't fashionable then it was just builders & prostitutes.

I think they're quite ghastly.

I agree TheChandler

I have French and Swiss colleagues and when I have visited them in France and Switzerland, none have tattoos and again, if they are mentioned it is in disdainful tones.

Anyway, back to the OP.

I too have dated men who were similar to those you have dated and it hasn't worked out as the differences become stark when choices have to be made of what to do, where to go, what to see, what to eat; in other words, everyday life. My last boyfriend was similar to those you've dated in that he'd never left his home town, had the same friendship group he'd had since junior school, had an unskilled job, smoked, prioritised drinking with friends above all else and although he was kind, humorous, friendly and intelligent, we simply had nothing in common as he was too entrenched in village life to see a world beyond it and was suspicious of change and anything new and out of his comfort zone. It really is life limiting and I don't think you should compromise to such a degree.

So, Twink, what you mean is 'none of my friends have a tattoo' not 'no-on I know has a tattoo'? You must know more people than you've been on holiday with? Your DC must have teachers? Friends with parents? You must have neighbours? You must know your doctor, dentist, postman? You've not been on holiday with EVERYONE you know have you? Not really.

'None of my friends have a tattoo', is quite different to 'no-one I know has a tattoo' when we're discussing how prevalent tattoos are.

OutragedFromLeeds So, Twink, what you mean is 'none of my friends have a tattoo' not 'no-on I know has a tattoo'?

Not wishing to be rude, but surely, given the thread subject, what she means is she doesn't fancy men with tattoos.

I don't think so.

Because that would be 'I don't fancy men with tattoos'. Completely different to 'No-one I know has a tattoo'.

If that is what she means, she needs to speak more clearly because they're two completely different sentences, with two completely different meanings! .

(It's also in response to someone else saying that everyone has tattoos these days, so I think the argument is 'no they don't because everyone I know is tattoo-free').

Given that nearly a third of adults under 45 have a tattoo according to this, which is a five year old report so bound to be an underestimate, you'd be hard pressed not to be friends with no-one with a tattoo.

I have 3 but most of my work colleagues have never seen them - it is perfectly possible to cover them without having to wear long sleeves.

Even in my quite conservative workplace, there are now quite a lot of visible tattoos.

So the question is, Do you don't mind a guy with a tattoo as long it is not visible, or do you want a man NO tattoos?

personally I think SOME tattoos are interesting and sexy but not all of them. I do think some people go overboard with tattoos. And I don't like poorly done tattoos where they just got one for the fun of it without thinking about it.

So that's a 1/3 of men I would avoid like the plague if I were single. Sounds about right actually.

No way on this earth would I even date a man with a tattoo. If I found out mid-date or mid anything, I would walk and leave. Bleurgh. Don't care if he was Brad Pitt or some lord as mentioned above, I simply prefer a man who is on a par on me. Behaviour and expectations included.

And to be honest, I'm sick of hearing about tattoos. Not interested.

"has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life "

Living in the U.S., I never been out of country in my life-can't afford it. however, I have driven to other states.

County, honey, county, not country. If you've driven to other states, congratulations, the OP will date you! (If you weren't a married woman living the other side of the Atlantic she would, anyway.)

What does county in U.K. mean anyway? we have counties here too, but within the state... I can go from one county to another in 10 minutes.

Tbf Annie the OP doesn't list 'male', 'single' or 'local' on her list so blueberry could still be in with a chance .

Blueberry counties are bigger in UK, but not massive. There are 83 counties in England according to Wikipedia. Imagine England split into 83 pieces (although not all counties are the same size). It is possible to have moved quite far from home, but still be in the same county. At the same time moving county isn't really that far, so the OP isn't asking for Columbus, just someone who had moved about a bit!

nm, I looked it up. So yeah, no excuse for him NOT to travel to other county. for some reasons I thought she wrote country because county just seem too short of a distance for me, and It seem I am right.

Blueberry Counties are a bit like US states but they don't have different laws to the whole of the UK.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Counties_of_the_United_Kingdom

It is an administrative function - most counties have a council that manages the budget for local public services - schools/roads etc.

They vary enormously in size and population density - Rutland is one of the smallest at 18 miles by 17.

In contrast, Yorkshire, is the biggest county in England and is divided into North, South, East and West Yorkshire (this is simplified - there has been changes over the years that I can't be bothered to go into - Humberside is now what was once part of East Yorkshire, I think) is probably nearly a hundred miles in each direction.

More info on counties ...