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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 19:51

I agree with people who are right, or make a good point.

I do think the best chance for somebody like the OP would be a divorcee with kids. But she never indicated that in her list.

Twinklestein · 11/04/2015 19:55

It really depends on the area, some rural areas are more sophisticated than others.

She didn't specify no divorcees so there's no reason to think she's not open to that.

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 19:57

I've never been to a sophisticated rural area.

There are some country areas where sophisticated people go. Mainly to chase foxes and shoot birds. Then they leave.

avoiretre · 11/04/2015 19:59

If you have kids and/or your looks/figure aren't great, you can come up with all the requirements you like, you're already way down most men's lists.

OutragedFromLeeds · 11/04/2015 20:03

'Furthermore what 40+ men want and what they're going to get are two completely different things.'

But the OP will get what she wants? Because being a 36 year old woman is entirely different to being a 40+ man?

hereandthere is essentially saying that what the OP wants and what is available/she is going to get are two different things. You disagree with that. But then make the exact same point about men.

Men should compromise and women shouldn't? I was with you for a while there, but now I've totally lost your argument because you're saying two contradictory things. Or are you saying that all men over 40 have unrealistic expectations of what they want and will eventually have to 'settle' for someone like the OP?

Tbh 'someone who actually wanted to be with me and hasn't just settled for me' would be higher on my list than 'doesn't watch X factor'.

TheChandler · 11/04/2015 20:07

hereandthere I have asked, pretty directly (see, OP, its not just you!) what they are looking at in a partner (not for the OP, I do have a useless sister to palm off). They all want kids/family. They all were honest and said they would think twice about a single parent. 50% said it was a total no-no. Other peoples kids are baggage; other peoples ex-H can be a pain in the arse.

That's what they may say when put on the spot, but in practice the men I know like you describe who have settled down have nearly always done so with single mothers. Perhaps its the case that many eligible women who are single around that age are often already mothers. And if you get on with someone and everything else is right, and you want a family, you are hardly going to turn down that person for someone you get on less well with and are less attracted to, simply because they have a couple of children. (I do agree with them often looking for someone who has done something career oriented with their lives or at least studied for one though).

I think online dating has a lot to answer for. It kind of encourages people to make lists of criteria and rule out certain things, because many men men on there are just so awful.

A lot of the traits the OP lists kind of cluster together anyway: if you have someone who has moved around for work and travel, they are also likely to live away from home and have learned to drive. If they're interesting company, that kind of rules out spending a lot of time on their X-box. Heck, you could probably even add in things like no tattoos in there and be less likely to come up with a reality tv addict.

RadioBedTea · 11/04/2015 20:14

I don't think it does any good debating whether or not the OP "deserves" X, Y, or Z. Angelina Jolie was a single mum when she got married.

I think just getting out there and dating/expanding ones social circle is a good thing in itself?

Also, the options aren't "man A who fits my criteria" or "man B who I don't want just for the sake of having one".

Maybe the OP sees her options as "man A" or "contentedly single".

Also, never mind being picky with men, I think you need a better class of friend if they are "blaming" you for being single Smile

avoiretre · 11/04/2015 20:14

That's actually one of my very few criteria, TheChandler, no tattoos. In fact, no tattoos, no drug addicts and no-one of obvious low intelligence are my main requirements.

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 20:16

TheChandler - I don't doubt your experience. My knowledge is based on talking to a number of men over a number of years i.e. Im not putting them on the spot, then + there. I do not doubt Im being told the truth. I'm not chatting them up; they're not spinning a line to me.

I know very few single, eligible men who have had lasting relationships with single mothers. In fact, I'm struggling to think of one!

Most have been divorced, with kids from the previous relationship, who do not want more kids.

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 20:17

'no-one of obvious low intelligence'

You might find phrenology useful here . . .

TheChandler · 11/04/2015 20:18

If I were single, I would have loads of criteria Avoiretre, and having no tattoos (not even a small one) would definitely be one of mine! In fact, I opened this thread because I always did have a very specific and lengthy list of criteria when I was dating, and it worked well for me (probably because it tended to steer me towards decent men who didn't have major problems or behavioural issues).

I can't actually see the point of starting a relationship, or even dating, someone you're bound to get fed up with and ditch.

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 20:25

Good luck with the no tattos policy

Every fucker has them.

I don't. Im not keen - they age worse than the fat member of a pop group. But I do distinguish between a small, hidden one, say a Yorkshire rose on the back (im from yokshire) and '- - - cut here ---' across the neck or ACAB on the knuckles.

LL0015 · 11/04/2015 20:26

Brenton and Livid
We are all after the same man!!!

My list is exactly the same as yours Brenton. It isn't picky, it's selective. Removes the wheat from the chaff.

I spend time on POF/Tinder and I am so ridiculously selective. It's less about looks. It's more about how they present themselves.

No selfies in the mirror
No tattoos
No nudity
No pictures containing any cars/motorbikes/animals

I have had two lovely dates in two months (single parent so time factor too) and both were very nice men but I simply didn't fancy them. well I did shag one of them cause he had a nice body but he didn't do it for me

Stick with the list!!

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 20:27

OLD dtaing is another ball game.

avoiretre · 11/04/2015 20:31

Everyone does not have tattoos! Most don't, especially over 30s. Maybe just the people you know, hereandtherex!

TheChandler · 11/04/2015 20:34

hereandthere Good luck with the no tattos policy

Every fucker has them.

I think you and I must run with quite a different crowd. I don't have a single close friend with a tattoo, and I'm late thirties.

Even if I were perennially single and desperate to settle down with the loudest body clock ticking, I just could not face a man who had succumbed to the sheep like tendency to actually go to a tattoo place and get even a small tattoo. Apologies to those who have them. Not my thing. As off putting as bad breath and no teeth in my book.

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 20:35

No you'll find they do.

I find them daft.

My mum works with a 55+ year old woman who's just had a full sleeve.
Walking round Whitby in August I was shocked by how many 30+ people were sporting large, full inked arms and chests. They looked horrid. Tehy'll look worse in 10 eyars time - Err, is that a dolphin or a dragon.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 11/04/2015 20:36

I barely know anyone with a tattoo Confused.
I would rather stay single than compromise on the things that are important to me in a relationship. Why do you think so many people post on the relationship boards here? People settle, then realise that they are fundamentally incompatible.

OutragedFromLeeds · 11/04/2015 20:37

The no tattoos thing, is that because it's physically repulsive or because it's indicative of a personality type that you're not interested in?

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 20:40

There's no connection between tattoos + social standing.

I know a Lord (was very eligible in his single days) with one.
And a my squaddy brothers all have them.

The Lord's is smaller and more discreet than my brothers' - its star.

TheChandler · 11/04/2015 20:43

I'm pretty sure nearly all decent single women say much the same things about men. I mean, are there many women looking for dodgy unemployed blokes with drug and alcohol habits, covered in tattoos, who smoke, can't drive and live at home with their parents? And who don't post naked selfies on online dating? And if so, what are they like?

Yet you do meet plenty of men moaning about "not being able to meet the right woman". You would think if they avoided the above, they might be a bit more successful? I often wonder if many men are closet gay, in that they seem to set themselves up more to appeal to other men. Re naked selfies over the internet, dragon tattoos, etc..

Would that have been the lord (to be) with the drug habit, HereandNow?

TheChandler · 11/04/2015 20:44

OutragedFromLeeds The no tattoos thing, is that because it's physically repulsive or because it's indicative of a personality type that you're not interested in?

Both, in my case.

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 20:45

No, he's pretty clean cut. His mum had a coke habit so he's pretty anti.

I think he's had a couple of splffs but that's it. He's more into cars - You spent how much on that FFS!

Partyringer · 11/04/2015 20:52

I had a no-tattoo policy. Ex squeeze appeared to be uninked until er finally got down to it and he revealed a Britush Standard kite Mark on one hip! I was astonished!
Dynamite in the sack, by the way!

LL0015 · 11/04/2015 20:57

I would date someone with a tattoo or two. But I wouldn't choose to date them if their profile picture on a dating site was them flexing muscles with tattoos.
If they had a tattoo of their football club logo then I pmsl and delete them. Guys that do that are not going to find me interesting.

And men that pose in anyway (tattoos, selfies, cars, dogs, motorbikes) are just not my bag. I'd rather be single.