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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/04/2015 21:06

If I were you I'd add, "Must enjoy their job or prepared to do something about it if they don't." Nothing worse than some fecker moaning about their job all night and refusing to do anything about it.

AuntieDee · 11/04/2015 21:08

What's wrong with a guy posing with a dog? I see it as someone with a sense of responsibility and caring side...

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 21:08

Well, there IS something worse than someone moaning about thier job.

Someone not having a job!

ImperialBlether · 11/04/2015 21:11

True, hereandtherex. Someone moaning about not having a job and not doing anything about it would be worse! But there is something really miserable about a bloke who comes home and complains non-stop about their job but doesn't act on it.

OutragedFromLeeds · 11/04/2015 21:13

Nearly all pictures are posed though aren't they? Do you want them to put up a picture taken from CCTV footage of themselves? Everyone's pictures are posed.

Gralick · 11/04/2015 21:14

I think just getting out there and dating/expanding ones social circle is a good thing in itself?

No. Seriously, not in a small agricultural town. The only way to survive it is by viewing it as an anthropological experiment.

In general, of course, you're right!

I know very few single, eligible men who have had lasting relationships with single mothers. Most have been divorced, with kids from the previous relationship

That's obvious, surely? Confused A man in his mid-late thirties who hadn't had at least one serious relationship, which is likely to have caused children, would be waving quite a big red flag to me. Brenton never said she'd exclude divorced candidates!

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 21:16

I look those DIY selfies where the person holds the camera and suck their cheeks in - I borrowed a friends OLD profile to see what people post.

Hint to OLDers - get a set of professional photos took. Otherwise your dating will be limited to people with duck fetishes.

LL0015 · 11/04/2015 21:27

Selfies in the mirror are the absolute pits to me.
Don't you have a mate to take a nice photo for you ?

Auntie Dee - it's not the dog that's the problem. It's the man either kissing/posing with a muscle dog that's the problem.
They are ten a penny on dating websites.

ImperialBlether · 11/04/2015 21:32

But, LL0015, that involves telling your friends that you are doing online dating. Some people want to keep that private.

Frostycake · 12/04/2015 13:57

hereandthere Good luck with the no tattos policy

Every fucker has them.

I only know one person with a tattoo (old school friend) and Im in my forties. Colleagues dont have any as far as Im aware (we have a no tattoo policy), friends dont have them, nor do my family.

Anyway OP I think your list is entirely reasonable and you shouldnt compromise given your dating history and disappointments whenever you've compromised.

Having said that, I do agree with posters who say that if you do live in a backwater, then you will be fishing in a very shallow pool. All the go getters will have moved to the big cities. Have you thought about tailored match making clubs?

BarbarianMum · 12/04/2015 14:58

I think if the OP is excluding men in house shares then she is probably excluding quite a lot of married men - or at least the ones who have agreed for ex and children to remain in the family home and who pay a decent amount of maintenance. Not necessarily a problem, but maybe not what was intended.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/04/2015 16:10

But consider, if you decide to stay in and watch Louis Theroux she would always have to host; they can never stop at his place because it's full of housemates watching X Factor. It's not about solvency, it's about having one's own space, and demonstrating a modicum of independence.

Twinklestein · 12/04/2015 17:13

Men should compromise and women shouldn't? I was with you for a while there, but now I've totally lost your argument because you're saying two contradictory things. Or are you saying that all men over 40 have unrealistic expectations of what they want and will eventually have to 'settle' for someone like the OP?

What? Not all men. Perhaps what I said wasn't clear, I should have said 'some' men for clarity.

The discussion was of 40something men who are hoping for 20something women without kids. My point was that some men of that age have completely unrealistic expectations. (So do some women to be fair).

The OP has realistic expectations. Any 40something man with similarly realistic expectations can expect to find someone compatible. But they're not going to get Rosie Huntingdon-Whitely.

From personal experience of being hit on relentlessly by men who are far too old or unbecoming to have a hope, I do think that men are more unrealistic than women about what they're likely to net.

blueberrypie0112 · 12/04/2015 17:22

Why can't he be a fan of reality show? I am confused how this could be a problem? I have a problem with my husband being addicted to sports. A reality show doesn't go on for hours, does it? (Some sports in u.s. can go on forever! And people here HAVE to watch it live tv. But a reality show is an hour long)

blueberrypie0112 · 12/04/2015 17:25

Everything else, yep, you are spot on. Even my husband cook for himself because he is a picky eater and I told him that the kids need healthy meals so he either eat with us or fix his own food.

blueberrypie0112 · 12/04/2015 17:33

Almost everyone i know have a tattoo. I don't know a single person beside my side and husband who does not have a tattoo. Even my dad had one.
Tattoo doesn't matter to me

Because it is a culture thing, I usually ignore

blueberrypie0112 · 12/04/2015 17:42

"Men can afford to be less picky - they get to walk away if it all goes pear shaped leaving the mother to raise the children. Purely from a security standpoint I would want a partner who could provide for his children if he left me in a situation where I couldn't"

Not only that, I read that male get paid more, or promoted, or hired. At least where I live,

OutragedFromLeeds · 12/04/2015 18:11

The tattoo thing is fascinating. The people who know 100% that no-one they know has a tattoo, how do you know that? Strip search or do you question everyone? I probably know the 'tattoo status' of about 10% of the people I know! Do you really know the tattoo status of all the parents of your DC's friends/school mates for example?

FinallyHere · 12/04/2015 18:31

Was going to post that no one i know has a tattoo, then remembered how proud DH is of his: two dots, a legacy of his radiotherapy in the '90s. Does that count?

Latara · 12/04/2015 18:39

Lots of my colleagues have tattoos and they are all ages. None of my immediate family do but, several of my cousins are tattooed.

I don't like tattoos that much but it wouldn't stop me dating a guy if he met my main criteria.

blueberrypie0112 · 12/04/2015 18:41

That's true about the tattoo. My sister have one above her private (she told me) but she will not tell anyone else about her tattoo. Especially certain family members.

whattheseithakasmean · 12/04/2015 18:44

I only know one person with a tattoo (old school friend) and Im in my forties. Colleagues dont have any as far as Im aware (we have a no tattoo policy), friends dont have them, nor do my family.

I am sure many of your colleagues. Most people don't have a tattoo on their face, you know. Bless you, I think you would be shocked at the number of tattoed people of all professions and standings you are interacting with every day. Unless you live in a nudist colony, of course.

pieceofpurplesky · 12/04/2015 18:46

Actually I had a similar list and exH fitted most of them. He had however never left the village he was born in other than to go on holidays. One of our issues was that his friends were all very like minded and even those who had "moved in" felt it the centre of the universe and that they were someone because they lived there ....
I hated the attitude that because they lived there they had cultural, financial and moral supremacy over others! Total bollocks. They are like a bloody cult (and am sure indulge in wife swapping and sacrificial offerings).
So yes, choose someone who has travelled if you have.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 12/04/2015 18:49

My SIL has a tattoo, but none of the rest of my close friends/family.

Latara · 12/04/2015 18:50

Also does it really matter if a person hasn't had a long term relationship? I'm a 38 yr old woman with no past ltrs and no children.

I suffered from serious MH problems & uncontrolled epilepsy for 5 years in my 30s - I was pale & ill looking for most of it, even lost some of my hair, and only dated a few men short term. Prior to that I was too busy with my career (which I have now lost) and with having fun (including lots of flings). So no, I've never had a long term relationship.

I won't of course be telling a future boyfriend any of that! Which may involve lying to them. But how can I be honest about my past without raising massive red flags to any decent man.