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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 14:54

Thanks :)

blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 14:54

LOL that map is hilarious.

Gralick · 13/04/2015 14:55
Grin
OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 13/04/2015 15:00

At the risk of derailing the thread the full version of the google autocomplete map. Grin

Gralick · 13/04/2015 15:04

Fab, Ilkley! Thanks Grin

Flowerpower41 · 13/04/2015 15:09

brenton I do concur with everything you are saying and the way you write it makes me smile :).

Twinklestein · 13/04/2015 15:26

You must know your doctor, dentist, postman?

I don't know them personally no. I've met them.

We moved to Paris recently anyway.

People don't really go in for tattoos here or in Italy in the same way as in the UK.

Jackieharris · 13/04/2015 15:28

Not read the full thread but this is too picky for a 26yo let alone a 36yo (and does make you sound a bit judgy)
not live with his parents or in a house share, fair enough but what if he's just back from abroad or just broke up with a live in gf?
drive DP has a medical condition which means he can't drive, so I think that a bit unfair esp if he is willing to learn
have a job, what if he's gone back to Uni to do a postgrad? What if he's just been made redundant from a good job and has good long term earning potential? What if he does lots of voluntary work or is a carer?
be a functioning adult -need more detail but agree no man-child
not spend all his time and money in the pub, agree with no alcoholics
no drugs I agree with this but lots of people would disagree
be able to cook what if he can afford to hire a cook? Or have lots of dinners out? What if he is willing to learn? Some people only really learn to cook when they've got someone to cook for
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life - this is totally unreasonable! What about fear of flying! Does moving around the UK not count? I don't see how lots of holidays makes someone a better life partner.
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper -agree with no sun, tv- does it matter what he watches when you're not there? This is quite controlling.
be kind kind of a given
be funny I suppose but is this really a red line?
be interesting - that is so subjective!
not to spend all his time on xbox etc- agree with this- no man boys

Tbh if I had a list like this I wouldn't be with DP and he is perfect for me!

If you want DCs )at least your own then you really dont have time to be this picky!

Do you really want a partner, or a twin? Can your friends not fulfill some of these requirements?

Jackieharris · 13/04/2015 15:33

Ok county is reasonable.

I also find tattoos a big turn off.

blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 15:35

.

Is this ' too picky'
blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 15:36

(I am in VA, btw)

Gralick · 13/04/2015 15:52

Blueberry, yep! That's why people who won't move away from their home county are ... parochial Wink

Jackie, your reply's just weird. Of course Brenton's list is subjective: she's thinking about potential partners for herself, not you!

TheChandler · 13/04/2015 15:54

Jackieharris I see it as a means of distinguishing between people you are genuinely attracted to, and people you can simply tolerate.

Re the job thing. I've actually heard of a few decent men say something along the lines of they will start looking for a girlfriend once they've finished studying, or once they find a job. Someone who doesn't have a job - I would expect that to be their priority, not finding a girlfriend. OK, you might just meet someone anyway, but I get the feeling most people on here are talking about online dating.

MadeMan · 13/04/2015 16:11

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share. Yep got my own place.
drive - Yep
have a job - Yep
be a functioning adult - Pretty much, yep
not spend all his time and money in the pub - Nope
no drugs - Nope
be able to cook - Yep
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life - Yep
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper - Yep
be kind - Yep
be funny - I'll let others be the judge of that
be interesting - See above
not to spend all his time on xbox etc - Arrgh! And I was doing so well!!! Sad

shadypines · 13/04/2015 16:26

On the whole it's an ok list but some of it is picky. For instance, I don't see that 'living a life' equates to not staying in the same country.

Some people are not able to travel easily or have the funds to do it.

blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 16:30

i guess I am not the only one. I guess it is hard to imagine a person of never traveling county to county so it is easier to think she meant "country"

Gralick · 13/04/2015 16:38

I bet you have them in Virginia, too, blueberry. Folks who simply can't imagine living more than 20 minutes away from their friends, or setting up home in a place where they don't know the local scene. And people in different counties speak with different accents! Couldn't cope with that! "I'd be homesick."

blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 16:40

i am sure, there are people who never left their house too. but it is rare though, as most cases they have to travel for work if their hometown does not have any job opportunities.

brentonbrenton · 13/04/2015 17:05

County people. County.

Not country, county.

Jeeze. ;)

You would think most people would have left their COUNTY but it appears not. Least it was for a package holiday to Spain where it was about as English as they come. Which I don't think counts.

I haven't said anything about tattoos. I don't have any,.wouldn't want any. I'm not fussed , unless we are talking face tattoos. ....

I am straight. So it is only men...

I haven't ruled out divorcees, who knows where that came from, I don't care about if they have kids or not amd they don't have to earn lots. I think some people's criteria of ' eligible ' is something different to mine. I'm. Not after a Lord
I just want someone normal.

I don't live in a back water either. It's a town, of about 135,000. There are other places around it too, so I don't think I'm being stupid to expect that there might be a normal, functioning grown up who I might get on with, in that lot.

I have a child. I don't want another,.so yes I feel I can be picky. One because why on earth would I chose to be miserable my whole life? And two,.any relationship will effect dd and I would want the same morals and values I have.

As for some posters saying I should realise what my worth is and what I can get. .goodness. you do realise I am a person and not a comodity? And this isn't bargin hunt :)

Anyways. ..I've been chatting to someone for a few days who knows who Louis theroux is..so, I live in hope.

NewLeaflet · 13/04/2015 18:41

An appreciation of Louis Theroux is pretty much essential in life. I'm in the same position as you, just a bit older, I'd only be interested in a relationship if it added to my life in a really positive way. I'd not be prepared to put with someone just to have a partner.

brentonbrenton · 13/04/2015 18:52

Same as me really. I'd love one, but not for the sake of it.

Friend who made this comment is awfully unhappy but won't leave because she doesn't want to be on her own. So picky I might be,.but I feel like I'm in a better position

hereandtherex · 13/04/2015 18:57

I know the list was light hearted/wishful thinking but you do have a tendency to want to play on a non-level field:

'I should realise what my worth is and what I can get. .goodness. you do realise I am a person and not a comodity?'

But you expect men to be commodities rather than people and to get what they are worth?

Good luck by the way. 135k is not too back. My home town is ~30k. Not ver y diverse.

brentonbrenton · 13/04/2015 19:06

It's not wishful thinking?

Why is it?

I'm not asking for a lot, it basically boils down to looking for an actual grown up man.

I don't expect men to be a comodity, not at all. I just know what type of person I will amd won't be able to build a life with. I've not mentioned anything physically nor what he earns etc etc.

I'm not asking for anything I can't offer myself. If I was I could see it was a bad thing, but I'm not..

Jackieharris · 13/04/2015 19:32

Well if you're not wanting DCs then be as picky as you like- no bio click ticking.

Tbh if you already have a DC I think you need to be extra picky.

OutragedFromLeeds · 13/04/2015 19:33

I don't think your list is too picky, but when you say things like 'it basically boils down to looking for an actual grown up man' you do sound judgy. A lot of things on your list are preferences, but people with different preferences are not children/less than you are.

Someone who has been made redundant or is studying - not for you, but still a grown up.

Someone who has chosen not to drive or can't drive because of a medical condition - not for you, but still a grown up.

Someone who isn't interested in food beyond not starving to death/dying of malnutrition - not for you, but still a grown up.

Someone who enjoys a bit of reality TV - not for you, but still a grown up.

You don't want to be with someone you are not compatible with which is wise imo, but everyone who isn't the same as you is not 'less than'.