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Original poster

to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

339 replies

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 08:44

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

OP posts:
Jayne35 · 10/04/2015 10:05

I was pleased to see your update this morning OP, it does sound positive and looks as though it was an opportunity to talk about other things that upset you (no intimacy without leading to sex etc - so important). I hope you are both able to move forward now.

AuntieDee · 10/04/2015 11:16

It just doesn't ring true to me... Why would you look for screen covers of porn from outside of this country on Amazon? And put 4 not just one accidentally in your shopping cart? There is tons and tons of porn online that is easily accessible - if they were in his cart he meant to buy them... You can get images like that just Googling; why would anyone search images on Amazon. It makes no sense...

I call bullshit

FeijoaSundae · 10/04/2015 11:18

It is bullshit.

TheoriginalLEM · 10/04/2015 11:28

But why, if you were looking for that sort of porn would you look on amazon?? id assume amazon = soft porn. maybe the dh did too? just a thought.

TheoriginalLEM · 10/04/2015 11:35

OP. he is your dh. Its your call. You should take from this thread the facts.

  1. You don't have to buy or browse dvds to look at that sort of thing.
  2. a quick google , using simply "porn" as a key word will bring up hardcore porn websites that provide all manner of, sometimes unpleasant, porn.

so for me, he is either a. lying (but i don't know why) or b) pretty niave about where to look for porn and worried about stumbling on illegal sites.

Not one person here can make that call based on what you have written.

I offer my best wishes that you can move on from this now.

AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 12:01

So, this guy's use of porn is restricted to looking at the front and back covers of DVD's that he places in a shopping basket for easy access and safekeeping.

Right.

Fairenuff · 10/04/2015 12:16

Basically he is saying that he chooses to look at stills rather than moving film. Do you believe that OP?

Jan45 · 10/04/2015 12:30

So, this guy's use of porn is restricted to looking at the front and back covers of DVD's that he places in a shopping basket for easy access and safekeeping.

I missed that bit, yeah I find that very hard to believe OP, why would you do that, makes no sense.

Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 13:06

I am in no way defending this man, I am just making a point. Looking at covers could be the same as looking at a magazine? Visual still not visual/audio moving pictures.

UnsolvedMystery · 10/04/2015 13:16

Well done for having a calm, sensible, rational and productive conversation. His response sounds perfectly plausible to me. I completely understand why still images can be more appealing than videos. He prefers images to badly acted action. Nothing unusual in that. Image sharing websites are a testament to how many people prefer images to videos. He's found that DVD covers have what he is looking for.

Yes, he chose to view porn because he wanted to, it's not your fault, it's not about blame, it's a reason. He felt horny, you weren't available, so he chose to use porn instead. When my DH isn't available and I am in the mood, I sort myself out. No blame required, it's a choice.

I'm really glad that you have worked out how to strengthen your relationship and create the intimacy that you both need. A lot of couples don't have the communication skills to work through problems like you have, and I think that says so much about the quality of your relationship. Enjoy!!

BrowersBlues · 10/04/2015 13:19

Well done OP. Being able to talk so openly about something that a lot of people might shirk from is great for your relationship.

Fantasies are generally just that - fantasy. Have a look at the MN fetish thread linked above and believe me you and your DH will look vanilla!!

I was enlightened and don't for one minute think that the posters were a pack of freaks who should be locked up.

Fairenuff · 10/04/2015 13:21

I repeat. It is not a fantasy if it involves real people.

UnsolvedMystery · 10/04/2015 13:48

I repeat. It is not a fantasy if it involves real people.

In the same way as the films at the cinema are not fantasy because they involve real people acting.

AuntieDee · 10/04/2015 14:33

Why the eff would anyone consider barely legal incest to be appropriate?! It's sick

laurierf · 10/04/2015 16:27

AuntieDee - because people associate incest with biological relationships (NO, I'm not saying they're right). Which is why an Oscar nominated actor like Alec Baldwin and Jeff Goldblum star in a film about a spoilt teenage girl who becomes a call girl for kicks and seduces her stepfather, and the film gets slated in the NY Times not for being sick, but for being crap.

AuntieDee · 10/04/2015 16:38

This reply has been deleted

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laurierf · 10/04/2015 17:03

I know you have had an awful experience at the hands of your sexually abusive father, but that's a terrible thing to state about a man you've never even met, based on the information we've seen here on this thread.

OP - I agree with everything UnsolvedMystery has said, not least the fact that I really don't want to watch porn films… but still images coupled with my imagination do the trick for me when my DH is unavailable.

Original poster
BluebellBlues · 10/04/2015 19:26

to clarify for a few of you, my DH says he prefers images to action and he was clicking through browsing and found these ones which had the right sort of image for him - he hadn't even really noticed or thought about the wording, he just liked the images and screenshots they provided.

Thank you to everyone for your concern and support but you will have to trust me when I say that the conversation was very open and honest and he is such a bad liar I could see immediately the couple of times he wanted to cover something up and he soon admitted the truth when pushed.

and whilst I don't blame myself for him turning to porn I completely understand his need for a sexual outlet as his needs weren't even being close to met at home. yes of course he looked at it because he wanted and chose to but the situation was of both of our making mostly due to laziness within our physical relationship. I accept that and I don't feel blamed by that.

Basically I am happy with the resolution we reached and our plan to move forward which is the most important thing.

OP posts:
UncertainSmile · 10/04/2015 19:31

All the best x

owlborn · 12/04/2015 11:08

I am probably a lone voice here but I don’t think an interest in porn necessarily crosses over into real life. I once had a partner who was very into non-consent play and rape fantasy. He was also incredibly responsible, very big with safe words and really into informed consent. It was a taboo/sex game thing. I'm sure your DH also disconnects an adult porn star using the word "daddy" from your actual daughter.

It might squick you out and that's a relationship thing. I really think it would be tragic if you used this to try and stop your DH and DD having a normal father/daughter relationship.

owlborn · 12/04/2015 11:10

Sorry! Just rtft and see things have moved on. Good for you, OP, for having a sensible conversation.

tresfatigue · 12/04/2015 22:39

Reading your updates op I'm glad you've had an open discussion with your dh. If you are really confident that he is not lying, then it's really good he has agreed to work on more base level intimacy and ditch the porn. The more of this type of intimacy you have with him, the other should naturally follow. As for him prefering images to stills, my dp is like this. He used to watch porn, but now he would rather buy fhm or similar. He says he doesn't even like seeing woman in magazines fully naked now as he likes using his imagination/it ruins the fun and a woman in nice lingerie is much sexier too him. He's always been a bit prudish outside the bedroom so maybe that's connected in some way. Like even on his own it feels weird or wrong on some level. He's also dyslexic, so can imagine him also not bothering to read titles or descriptions (bad enough trying to read a map or street signs). As worrying as this has been for you, I hope you can move on from this at some stage. Best of luck. You will probably have this in the back of your mind for a while, but that's not a bad thing. Keep an eye out for any changes in behaviour towards you or dd. Especially now he isn't watching porn/getting himself off that way. And hopefully he will prove with time that he's a good guy that made a stupid mistake. Any worrying behaviour though...You know now your strong enough to confront him and have it out Flowers

Daisychain5 · 12/04/2015 22:59

You cannot seriously believe the bullshit he has given you, surely?!!!

UncertainSmile · 12/04/2015 23:30

Oh give it a rest! The OP has been and gone and has reached some kind of resolution.

Botanicbaby · 13/04/2015 00:15

I know the OP has reached a conclusion but ....gobsmacked.

What utter BS from him. Even if I could believe the part about him preferring still images than porn films, I find it suspect that he so rapidly found a specific 'niche'. You don't repeatedly find images like this by accident either.

"we talked about the incest nature of the DVDs he had selected for his 'playlist' and he says it had never even crossed his mind, he wasn't looking at the words or the story (and as he isn't watching them, just looking at the pictures he's not watching the storyline play out) its just that as he was clicking around looking for images these ones jumped out at him as they show a slightly older, more 'normal' looking man rather than a porn star man, with a younger, more 'normal' looking worman, rather than a highly made-up porn star type woman."

how very convenient that every DVD cover has this type of image that suited him (and he hadn't read the words so had NO IDEA about the incest). What search terms was he using?...you can be sure it wasn't "normal looking man rather than porn star man with younger normal looking woman etc.."

This is a genre for quite specific tastes if you could even call it that. This is not somebody who has simply turned to porn to get his kicks because he misses twice weekly sex with the mrs.

Also, quite despicable that he seems to be blaming the OP for his actions. I think it will be quite difficult to go back to what you had before, sorry to say.