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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

339 replies

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 08:44

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/04/2015 19:35

basically yes, its driven through frustration as we don't have sex enough.

No, personally I don't believe that's why people choose porn.

he is however horrified about my connections of the subject, he couldn't eat his dinner and has been in tears.

I think that there needs to be a response (and one that takes responsibility and doesn't blame it on lack of sex in the relationship).

asked how he would feel if his mates in 12-15 years are learing at DD.

...and fantasising about her having sex with him.

Vivacia · 09/04/2015 19:35

And I think you've done brilliantly. And continue to do so. Good luck tonight.

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 09/04/2015 19:49

Good that you are calling him on it.

I advise you not to be too trusting. Why is he crying? maybe because he has been exposed and humiliated.

My DP is OK with porn which portrays apparently consensual encounters (I'm not, but that's not relevant here). However I can say without any shadow of a doubt he would never "go there" with barely legal/incest stuff. Because he wouldn't find the idea of dads fucking their daughters/stepdaughters/very young women a turn on. That's the crux here OP. Your DH can't talk his way put of getting orgasms from the idea of dad on kid fucking. The age/relationship of the actors is irrelevant. It is the fantasy he is buying into. It is a disturbing one.

Also "but he's my father" doesn't sound like enthusiastic consent to me. Sounds more like a grooming/persuasion/coercion scenario.

Is your daughter at risk in the future? No-one here can know. But keep in mind that sex offenders can be lovely/kind/charming/fun/caring. They are people. Sometimes they are people who are extremely good at compartmentalising.

Personally I couldn't have sex with someone if I had any cause to think he might be using me as a wank sock for incest fantasies.

iHAVEtogetoutofhere · 09/04/2015 19:49

Maybe this is the 'shock' he needs to realise how inappropriate he's been.

Well done OP, you are very brave.

Keep talking to him.

AuntieDee · 09/04/2015 19:50

The normal response for paedophiles being caught seems to be tears. Please don't believe he is sorry because he didn't associate it that way - he is sorry he has been caught :(

My dad cried when I asked why he got into my bed at night in front of my mum. I do not for one minute he cried for me, he cried because he had be caught and was rightly crapping himself

Honeypot1 · 09/04/2015 19:53

I've PM'd you. Take your time. Get informed. Good luck x

Vivacia · 09/04/2015 19:58

I don't think that the comparisons with paedophiles is helpful.

letscookbreakfast · 09/04/2015 20:05

Why are people comparing the OP's husband to paedophiles?

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 09/04/2015 20:06

Because the idea of fucking females who look underage makes him cum perhaps?

letscookbreakfast · 09/04/2015 20:10

I give up so I'm bailing out, good luck OP.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 20:12

Bloody hell, AuntieDee, I am sorry that happened to you Thanks

GoldenBoots · 09/04/2015 20:17

I dont think I would be happy having a man who got his jollies from watching incest porn, around my children. 'But hes my father'?! Just wrong

DramaLllama · 09/04/2015 20:32

I was recently searching Amazon titles on my kindle - I was searching 'Little House on the Prairie' as it happens. Dozens and dozens of titles came up on the search where the description contained the phrase "THE MAN OF THE HOUSE" - (yes, in capitals) - a whole genre of stepfather / stepdaughter porn, with covers showing adult female models dressed young, pigtails, sucking lollipops, that sort of image. Clearly this is a thing. I had no idea it existed - and on my lovely, friendly kindle :( I reckon the stepfather thing is only because Amazon won't let them publish actual Father / Daughter stuff.

Fairenuff · 09/04/2015 20:47

i asked how he would feel if his mates in 12-15 years are learing at DD. he says he would hate it and feel sickened and cut them from our lives

Does he understand that this is what he has been doing to other people's daughters?

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 20:56

he's going to have a right good blart about it now, though

pathetic

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2015 20:59

DramaLllama, I've found that when I've looked at free books on Kindle. There are thousands and thousands of books based on sex with stepfathers/stepchildren. It's horrific. Amazon gets round this by saying it's not incest as there's no blood relationship, it's not underage sex, but it's still awful. On the Kindle site (for writers who publish on Kindle) I've seen a number of threads in their forum about erotica and I've seen people say it's in absolutely massive demand.

But, as I said further up thread, there's a thread on MN at the moment about fetishes and a few posters have said they call their partner 'Daddy' when having sex.

FeijoaSundae · 09/04/2015 20:59

The only way he couldn't have made the connection, is if he is illiterate (it's wrritten there in black and white), or if he's seriously sub-normally stupid. To your knowledge, he's neither.

wickedlazy · 09/04/2015 21:01

Is it maybe not the incest aspect he likes, but that the men in the incest videos are older, maybe a bit balding or saggy? As in they are maybe more like him? So he turns the sound off and fantisizes it's a hot babysitter or whatever? Some of the "barely legal" videos have hot studs in their 30's, and he may not find that so relatable? Haven't rtft so sorry if you've already mentioned his age? Also, some "incest" (if it's dvd's it's probably actors playing a role) porn can be more touchy feely, with more kissing and fondling, than other barely legal porn (which can be very "give it to her hard" and not much else).

Still very worrying, and worthy off a serious talk. Hope there is some logical explanation op. Or he needs to leave and seek therapy (if it is the incest aspect that turns him on).

Could you wait until you're "in the moment" and try saying seductively "can I call you daddy?" Just to see how he reacts? It will probably cause a fight, either he will be disgusted and you can ask him why he likes porn like that then, or he will reciprocate "of course baby girl" or god knows what, and you have your (grim, horrible but better to know than not) answer.

laurierf · 09/04/2015 21:07

Bluebell - sounds like the conversation is going exactly they way I had imagined it would. Not surprised he felt sick and that the connection between sexy 16 year old school girl Lolita type stuff is abhorrent when you start connecting it to his own precious DD, nor that he is tearful at the fact he caused his wife and DD's mother to have those fears and thoughts. Hope the conversation continues in the way you hope x

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 09/04/2015 21:07

Words fail me

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 09/04/2015 21:08

That was to wicked

Justusemyname · 09/04/2015 21:12

Omg Wicked. Are you for real?

laurierf · 09/04/2015 21:14

Some of the "barely legal" videos have hot studs in their 30's, and he may not find that so relatable? Haven't rtft so sorry if you've already mentioned his age?

He's 29. Watching porn about shagging 16 year olds. Not something I'd want my DH to be doing and definitely something I'd pull him and my male friends up on… but I am finding this thread very strange… I am usually someone considered to be a feminist and actually a bit of a prude when it comes to this kind of issue… the idea this makes him abnormal, abusive, predatory, paedophilic….?

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 09/04/2015 21:17

It's not "porn about shagging 16 year olds". OP's description is of porn about fathers/step fathers having sex with their reluctant kids. The barely legal aspect is about creating fantasies around children using legal means.

wickedlazy · 09/04/2015 21:28

"About shagging 16 year olds"

Barely legal means just turned 18 not 16? The age of consent is different for sex than porn. And most of the actress's as op states in her op are clearly well over 18, not possibly 16 or under. If your 29 year old mate is watching a 21 year old in porn, pretending to be 18, it's a different issue to watching amateur videos where you think the girl is actually 17 or younger. Just as the incest theme is a lot different and more worrying than the barely legal one.

And I forgot to add (page keeps timing out so had to type out a few times) what I said is going on the assumption he is clicking onto these video's and sitting engrossed in them without reading descriptions. Like he sees a preview of a young (but over 18 years old) woman with her tongue in older mans mouth and clicks. Like he has been thinking with his dick to much to pay attention to anything but the images (most men would have appendage in one hand, clicking with other). Closest image I can think off is forwarding through channels on tv without paying attention to the channel guide. Seeing something you like, stopping there to watch for a bit, without knowing what it is?

And as for the "test" if he tried to recipricate to that, I would certainly ltb!