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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH wants to leave for a woman he's met twice!

176 replies

lizzielogs · 08/04/2015 17:04

We've been together 12 yrs married 4, since marriage these been a series of stressful events (my side) (my dad being ill, then dying, not being able to find work, me & DD relocating for DH, serious back injury, in bed 3 months), so my mind has been preoccupied.mhe announced 3 days ago that he'd had enough. After pushing, he admitted that he had met someone through work at a conference & they had a 'strong connection'. He's met her once more, & she lives in guatamala! He wants to go over at the end of the month. I cannot believe this - should I try & keep him? I feel he's throwing all this away for a fling...any advice please... I'm tearing my hair out here.

OP posts:

TheWhiteRoad · 08/04/2015 17:08

He obviously doesn't think much of you or his marriage does he?

If he wants to go, let him.

Excitedforxmas · 08/04/2015 17:08

I'd help him pack!

butterflyballs · 08/04/2015 17:12

Do you want to stay with him?

It's easy for us to say kick him out and file for divorce but I imagine you are devastated and want to try and save things. Problem is if he's set on going then you can't stop him. All you can do is try and minimise the disruption for your child, surround yourself with support and safeguard your self financially.

This will in all honesty, end in tears for him. I would urge you to see a solicitor if he goes to stop him borrowing against your home, to remove any cash assets or your half of them and to protect your home.

In all likelihood he will come back but I would imagine that as many women before you have realised is that you won't want him by then.

If he can't handle the tough times then he isn't worth keeping. I can't make any decisions for you but do talk on here or with rl friends.

Sleepyhoglet · 08/04/2015 17:16

Guatemala - how exotic. If love to see how he fared. This sounds like infatuation and it's embarrassing on anyone over 16. I'm sorry j don't have any advice for you but I do doubt the woman feels the same.

ThingummyJigg · 08/04/2015 17:16

He has lost his fucking mind.

On a serious note, this is very strange behaviour and I would be questioning his general health, both mental and physical, at this point.

I can understand anyone being unhappy in a marriage, for any reason, but to up sticks to another country to be with someone they've met twice....? That is very very illogical thinking. There is more going on, imo. Either he is lying to you, or he isn't thinking rationally.

Agree with butterflyballs - see a solicitor.

magoria · 08/04/2015 17:16

Why would you want to keep a man who will dump you for someone he has met twice?

There is no respect and he just wants to get his leg over a new toy.

You deserve better.

It will hurt but don't give him to the end of the month. If he wants to go, he goes now, he doesn't get to hang around until the end of the month mooning over someone else.

The sooner he goes the sooner you slowly slowly start to move on and heal.

Jan45 · 08/04/2015 17:16

Bullshit, he has been in touch with her a lot more than that, his intended actions prove that.

Also, what you have been through is called life, and when you are with someone you are with them through the shit times too, good riddance I'd be saying, you don't want a man that just bolts the minute things get tough, we all have tough times, that's what makes a good strong couple, not this twat.

Bonsoir · 08/04/2015 17:18

He is clearly in search of excitement and wider horizons.

LittleBairn · 08/04/2015 17:20

I would be asking him where he plans to live until the end of the month.

lunar1 · 08/04/2015 17:23

Make sure he cannot get back into your life when it all goes wrong. Really sorry you are going through this.

expatinscotland · 08/04/2015 17:25

I'd tell him to get out now.

DayLillie · 08/04/2015 17:25

Go to a solicitor and make sure he does things properly. It may make him realise the enormity of what he is doing and think twice, or he may do it anyway, but at least you will know where you stand and not be left stranded.

ImperialBlether · 08/04/2015 17:26

You relocated for him and now he's said this? That's unforgiveable!

Where were you living before? Could you go back there?

ActingBusy · 08/04/2015 17:26

at this point it seems you don't have a choice to 'keep' him.

I too would be asking him where he's going to live until the end of the month, whilst shoving all his stuff into bin bags.

FenellaFellorick · 08/04/2015 17:27

How would you keep him?

Chain him up?

There is nothing you can do to make someone stay with you if they want to leave. Nor should you try.

This is horribly, horribly painful and I have deep sympathy for you, but for your sake you need to put out of your mind any idea that you can make him stay. You can't.

if it is true that he has met her twice (and I wouldn't be so quick to believe that) then it sounds like he has escaped from stressful reality into a ridiculous fantasy. No doubt it will come crashing down around him and he will end up in a bad position. But maybe that needs to happen. A fantasy is always going to be alluring and exciting. The reality of living in guatamala with a stranger? I'm betting not so much.

I know it sounds harsh but we all have stresses in life so boo hoo to him. Some of us have heartbreaking things to deal with. We don't decide to up sticks and abandon someone we're supposed to love. And from what you say, it's not even HIS stresses! He's basically saying that you haven't been worshipping at the altar of his fabulousness so he's off.

You have to ask yourself why you'd even want to stay with someone like that.

ImperialBlether · 08/04/2015 17:27

Whatever you do, don't do the "pick me" dance. Your self esteem will never recover.

scatteroflight · 08/04/2015 17:29

She lives in Guatemala? Is she an actual Guatemalan? Is he a complete fool?

I think you need a sit down and a proper talk where he tells you everything. Then you can make up your mind if you want to be with this imbecile or if you want to point out to him the error of his ways.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 08/04/2015 17:31

So sorry, this must be a shock.

But you have to let him go if that's what he wants to do, you can't make him come to his senses,only he can do that.

Sounds to me like something he will quickly realise is nuts. What happens after he does that will be something you do have more control over.

BrowersBlues · 08/04/2015 17:32

I recommend that you do absolutely nothing to keep him. The minute you go down that route you are setting yourself up as a martyr. Say 'of course you should go but I would like you to move out immediately and I am making an appointment to see my solicitor tomorrow and am contacting the CSA' and sit back and watch him s**t his pants.

I don't doubt that you are in a state of shock and extremely upset and my comment above might sound flipant but I really think you need to get the upper hand. Maybe his behaviour is a result of all the stress your family has been been under but somehow you have managed to remain commited to your vows and not tell him you are hopping off to South America to be with someone you met once when in actual fact the stress has all been on your side really.

Please please don't beg him to stay. I know you must be going through hell, especially after all you have been through, but please don't let him treat you and your DD like this.

Stay strong, you are a strong woman, look at everything you have been through and survived. He is behaving like a dick but maybe by saying 'go ahead' you might shock him into copping himself on. I can't comment on whether or not something has already happened but for the moment you need to put your head up high and tell him to eff off.

WinnieFosterTether · 08/04/2015 17:34

Let him go. And be grateful that he's been honest with you to an extent because I would question how often they've met if he's changing his entire life for her because it means you can start to move on. Get angry. Cry. Do whatever you have to do but don't do the pick me dance.

He has picked. He has shown you very clearly who he is and how little he values your relationship. Bag up his stuff and put it outside. Or take it to your PILs and tell them why your DH no longer has somewhere to live. Telling people in RL means both you and your DH need to face the reality of what's happened. It makes it harder to slip into denial and in the long run, that will help you to start to move on.

WildBillfemale · 08/04/2015 17:36

Go to a solicitor and make sure he does things properly

This - make sure he realises he will have had to find somewhere else to live to return to and that the locks will have been changed.
He doesn't get to go abroad on an infatuation, wise up and come back to what he left.

Apart from that sorry, if he wants to go he will, decided what YOU want though - will you want him back when he realises what a dick he's being?

Original poster

lizzielogs · 08/04/2015 17:37

She is Guatemalan, but works in IT, so travels a lot, I'm being pathetic, but I do believe nothing has happened between them. I just feel that if he would see sense now & both of us give the marriage one last chance & it still didn't work, at least I'd feel We'd both tried our best. He has moved out already. He's on someone's sofa.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 08/04/2015 17:44

You have no power to make that happen. That is out of your control.

that's a very painful thing to understand but it's something you have to accept.

You have no power to make him see sense (or your perception of sense because his perception of sense will be different, sadly) You have no power to make him give the marriage a chance. He has made a choice. You can't make him make the choice you want him to make. You aren't in control of that.

What you ARE in control of is what you do. How you act. And that means not allowing him the best of both worlds. Making him understand that the decision to leave is the last decision he makes in this situation and from now on, all choices are yours. That he will not be able to choose to come back if he changes his mind, he won't have that power, that control will be yours.

You need, painful as it is, to discuss practicalities. He has a financial and emotional responsibility to his daughter. How is he going to ensure that a)he maintains a relationship with her and b) he contributes a fair amount financially towards her support.

He does not have the right to trip off into the sunset with his fantasy and leave you to wade through the shit.

butterflyballs · 08/04/2015 17:45

He's moved out and is on "someone's" sofa. Hers?

There's no saving the marriage I don't think. The best thing to do now is sort the practicalities. Get an appointment to see a solicitor asap.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 08/04/2015 17:50

Don't try and hold onto him, OP. Let him go.

He'll probably be back when you've realised you don't want him anymore.

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