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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH wants to leave for a woman he's met twice!

176 replies

lizzielogs · 08/04/2015 17:04

We've been together 12 yrs married 4, since marriage these been a series of stressful events (my side) (my dad being ill, then dying, not being able to find work, me & DD relocating for DH, serious back injury, in bed 3 months), so my mind has been preoccupied.mhe announced 3 days ago that he'd had enough. After pushing, he admitted that he had met someone through work at a conference & they had a 'strong connection'. He's met her once more, & she lives in guatamala! He wants to go over at the end of the month. I cannot believe this - should I try & keep him? I feel he's throwing all this away for a fling...any advice please... I'm tearing my hair out here.

OP posts:
worserevived · 08/04/2015 20:25

sycamore the bit you are missing is that the very best way to 'save your marriage' is to make them leave and start being independent. Nothing is more unattractive than someone begging you to stay. Being unavailable however... that makes them think.

If that's what the OP wants.

Coconutty · 08/04/2015 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/04/2015 20:37

Sycamore you can't work out how to save a marriage on your own! Marriage vows don't include a promise to overlook infidelity, in fact the opposite so no, this doesn't come under 'for worse' actually.

The only sane response to a situation like this is to sling him out. He may realise he's made a mistake in which case he will work really hard to win back the wife's trust. He may not, and the wife will get to move on with her dignity intact. But begging for scraps from a man who has already checked out is never, ever the right thing to do.

all that is easier said than done

Vivacia · 08/04/2015 20:43

Sycamore how does the OP save her marriage then? By saying, "I want us to stay together"? And then what? He says, "Really? I didn't realise. Ok I've completely changed my mind about cheating on you with the Guatemalan"?

GreatAuntDinah · 08/04/2015 20:50

I can well believe he's only met her twice, my ex left for a similarly "exotic" girl half his age he'd known for three weeks and I know two other women who've had the same experience. It's like a specific subset of midlife crisis insanity. Actually the basic advice is the same whatever the circumstances, distance yourself and cut him loose.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 08/04/2015 20:52

Sycamore, she can't 'toss him out on his ear'. He left already.

I understand what you are trying to say but your advice only has validity if/when he decided he wanted to stay in the marriage after all.

sycamore54321 · 08/04/2015 20:55

I know you are being trite but yes, more or less that Viv. She absolutely cannot save it on her own but given the feelings she expressed in her OP, I think the general mass of advice telling her to ignore her own feelings, put up a tough facade and tell him to go whistle is not the right choice for her. If things go down exactly as you say, well at least she knows she has not bottled up her true feelings for the sake of appearing like she doesn't care. Why shouldn't she care, this is her relationship, her marriage, something that up until today was central to her life and her future. If she wants to, she should be screaming from the rooftops that she does not want this. Rather than say to him, off you go.

I don't see it as begging anyone, I don't see it as impingong on her dignity in any way. I think it would take an incredibly strong woman to admit that these are her feelings and that she is acting on them.

What on earth else is "for worse" if not situations like infidelity? The sickness and poverty bit cover most other major marital stresses, so what else is "for worse"?

To be clear, if she wants to kick him out, I absolutely support her choice to do so, but I think it also important to actually read her post and support her right to feel the way she does right now. It is highly likely that her marriage may not work out given this awful blow but I don't think it helpful for her to ignore her gut instinct, that will lead to a lifetime of "what if" and regrets.

Cherryapple1 · 08/04/2015 20:59

How do you suggest she saves her marriage when he has already left and is determined to live on the other side of the world? Short of imprisoning him I don't see how you expect her to 'save' anything. And it is begging, no matter how much you dress it up. Not only has he buggered off with someone else you expect her to lose any shreds of remaining dignity by pleading with him to stay.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 21:00

Organise a private CT head scan

if that comes back clear, kick his arse half way over the ocean to Guatemala and don't ever look back

AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 21:02

do you think you might have misheard "Guatamala" for "Gloucestershire" (or summat) ?

it makes about as much sense as a man giving up his whole life for a woman he's never slept with and met only twice (the other one has bells on...)

GreatAuntDinah · 08/04/2015 21:12

As I said AF it does happen, my ex did it. Went abroad to work, within three weeks had decided to leave a happy LTR for one of his new colleagues. He was seriously off his rocker for a good couple of years. I literally watched him rolling around banging his head on the floor at one point.

Vivacia · 08/04/2015 21:16

sycamore I have no probl with the OP saying, "I love you, I want to be with you, but I won't play this game. You need to leave now, I'll drop your stuff off at your mum's".

lavenderhoney · 08/04/2015 21:17

he's pissed off and left his dd as well. It's hardly rocket science the bloke is a complete numpty and should be cut loose. i very much doubt wherever he is staying he will be feeling good and getting high fives.

If he is with his new squeeze she will be different but silence from his wife is more likely to confuse him than histrionics or wanting to talk. That won't end well. He has already left and by sofa surfing making it known.

Op, work on the money, work out the house and do it before he realises he might need a lump sum to set up in Guatemala. You can still be civil whilst ensuring you aren't left high and dry. After all, he managed to remain civil to you whilst sneaking about making plans behind your back. What an arse.

And if you have relocated, can you move back to where you are from or nearer parents? Get an application in for dd school? Move back to your parents for the permanent address needs and leave him to sort out the relocation issues. It's a lot to think about. You need a friend who doesn't have time for bullshit, preferably a bit of a shit themselves / been crapped on and won't be fooled again, as they will see through any wool he pulls, is a very organised person with no agenda. Do you know anyone like that?

But keep posting, you don't have to explain yourself or answer things you don't want to:)

AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 21:18

GAD, how did you restrain yourself from laughing your head off at his antics ?

GreatAuntDinah · 08/04/2015 21:19

He was seriously mentally ill AF, I didn't find it particularly funny at the time TBH.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 21:22

I don't suppose you did.

sycamore54321 · 08/04/2015 22:06

I don't mean to hog the thread but I think it is far less dignified for the OP to be denied all agency and be expected simply to go along with what the husband has decided, as if she cannot speak her part about a huge decision about their marriage, where she is supposed to be an equal partner. To me, being expected to put up and shut up is a far greater denial of her dignity than voicing her views and not pretending that her feelings are something different than they actually are.

OP, I really feel for you, you have been treated terribly and I hope that you have or find the real life support you need to deal witn the immediate effects of this awful shock, and to make whatever decisions you need to make in the future.

(Apologies for all my typos in earlier posts, no idea what is going on with that.)

MyDHhasnomemory · 08/04/2015 22:43

Sycamore, you are missing the point. The OP is being advised how to keep her dignity. She is not being advised how to change his mind or convince him he is wrong. This does not work.

Dognado · 08/04/2015 22:51

Maybe she's from Guatemala but actually in this country and someone's sofa is hers.

WinnieFosterTether · 08/04/2015 22:54

'what else is for worse?' having anti-social neighbours who make your life a misery; any event outwith your control that doesn't impact on your health or finances Confused There is nothing in the vows or the Bible if your marriage service was religious that states 'for worse' is condoning a partner cheating or leaving or abandoning their family.

sycamore there is a book you might find interesting. It's called 'Boundaries' and it includes a section on marriage vows which explores the meaning of the different parts of the vows in the context of creating healthy boundaries in relationships.

Original poster
lizzielogs · 08/04/2015 23:55

Oh god - it all sounds so simply reading this. The reality is though, that I still love him deeply & many of you think I'm wrong, but I want to save the marriage. It means more to me than something I am sure he'll regret 1yr on.
I do appreciate all the advice though, & whilst I hope it doesn't come to it, I will be checking out lawyers etc when I feel able to cope with it.

OP posts:
whyMe2014 · 09/04/2015 00:08

If you want to save your marriage then go for it. It's your decision.

However, make sure you have any joint accounts frozen or move money into an account in your name just in case.

PoppyField · 09/04/2015 00:16

Good luck OP.

Just a gentle reminder that you both have to want to save the marriage if it is to be saved. You can't do it on your own by sheer force of will. You are bound to want it to be a happy ending - after all you have invested a huge chunk of love, time, hopes and dreams into your relationship with this man.

However, if it looks as if he is happy to chuck all that away, there is nothing you can do about it. If the marriage goes belly up - which would all be his callous and deluded doing of course - you get tipped overboard too. Horrible but true.

Everyone here is rooting for you and your sanity. Please look after youself. And think about what you want for you. And do tell other RL people, don't feel embarrassed - the shame is all his my dear.

Zillie77 · 09/04/2015 00:34

Lizzie, I support you in doing whatever you need to do to feel like you made a supreme effort to redeem the situation. I do think that you can do that and keep your dignity. But I also agree with you hedging your bets by securing the finances as well so you are in good shape should he continue following through with his ridiculous plan.

I do agree with Sycamore that there is some satisfaction to be had for Lizzie in taking any opportunity she has to formally voice her opposition to his boneheaded decisions. She can do that, and retain her dignity, and prepare for the perhaps-inevitable worst at the same time. Who knows, it could end up being empowering.

guinnessguzzler · 09/04/2015 02:44

Lots of good advice on here. If you do decide to give him the opportunity to remain in your life please remember: there is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing wrong with your marriage. The issue is with him. Don't just let him back without him doing the work required (perhaps through counselling) to make sure he never does this again.

I saw one friend forgive an episode like this only for it to happen again a year or so later.