My DH wants to leave for a woman he's met twice!

[lizzielogs]

We've been together 12 yrs married 4, since marriage these been a series of stressful events (my side) (my dad being ill, then dying, not being able to find work, me & DD relocating for DH, serious back injury, in bed 3 months), so my mind has been preoccupied.mhe announced 3 days ago that he'd had enough. After pushing, he admitted that he had met someone through work at a conference & they had a 'strong connection'. He's met her once more, & she lives in guatamala! He wants to go over at the end of the month. I cannot believe this - should I try & keep him? I feel he's throwing all this away for a fling...any advice please... I'm tearing my hair out here.

If she is indeed Guatemalan, I imagine she is being very nice to him indeed. Possibly too nice to be true? I don't mean to sound cynical, but my husband is from Latin America (is a specialist in his field and moved here on shortage occupation list) and Guatemala has one of the highest violent crime rates in the world, earthquakes, volcanoes, extreme poverty and more.

She can't get into the UK by marrying a UK citizen. Those days have long, long gone. If you marry a non-EU citizen then you can't bring them to the UK, believe me.

I have been married for 14 years to an Australian. We have two British dc, he is a high wage earner and we have a house in the UK. Seven years ago we moved to Australia for my dh's work and two years ago we tried to go back to the UK and because the immigration laws have changed, he can't get in. And there are hundreds of people in the same situation. Ours is by no means unusual.

So, if he wants to be with her, he will have to live there. Until the immigration laws change, which it doesn't look like they will.

A good friend's xh did something similar when she had a 2 year old and a newborn. He told her when she was about 2 weeks off giving birth.

It didn't get off the starting blocks. 10 years on she's remarried to an amazing man, and the ex is 3 stone heavier, bald and living alone in squalor after a series of failed relationships.

Ps I don't know why the bald bit was relevant there. Unless it was stress related hair loss. Apologies

He might regret it 1 year on, then if you wanted you could try again BUT he might not. Right now you need to protect yourself and DC, call tax credits tomorrow and claim as a single mum. He's been thinking about this for a lot longer than you realise, he's already emotionally left you. You're just dealing with this sudden news and the aftermath. If he wanted to save this marriage then he should have ignored this woman and concentrated on you and DC, he didn't.

Please stop feeling guilty about your DF's illness, lack of job and your accident, YOU didn't cause DH to leave because he was fed up with supporting you. You relocated for him, had and raised a DC and now he's shitting all over you. You don't deserve that. Nobody does.

But you do need to see a solicitor, you need to protect your DC, you need him to pay maintenance. Whether he goes or not, you have to act now.

SavoyCabbage that may be true but I'm not sure that the message has got through to the many people from poorer countries who literally will do anything to get with a UK citizen for money / passport. It certainly hadn't got through to my exDP's exotic OW who believed she would get an EU passport if she married him

Lizzi, you're hurting and in shock right now, we can all see that. You don't know how you're going to feel in, for example, 1 years time. You don't know if you're H will have returned full of regret, or whether he doesn't return.

You don't know how you will feel x months down the road after receiving this kind of shock. The best thing that you can do to protect your DD's future stability is to secure your finances asap.

I don't know how it's done - there are lots of women here in a better position to advise you on the how's and where's, but whatever you do with your heart and your marriage, you want to do it with the knowledge that your accounts have not been emptied, that loans haven't been taken in your name, that your house hasn't been remortgaged etc.

Freeze your assets now. You don't know whether your H is being scammed, whether he's ill, whether he thinks he's head over heels in love with this OW, you simply don't know.

Protect yourself asap. We all feel for you

Your not you're

Immigration rules haven't changed that much
It's a lot harder to get settlement as a spouse but certainly not impossible. I suggest you get an immigration lawyer on the case savoy as your situation sounds unusual.
I have friends who lived elsewhere (non EU) and are married and he got settlement eventually 3 months ago. It was long and arduous and they needed a lawyer because she weren't living the UK when he applied but they got it.

Anyway, beside the point of the thread.

I can understand that Lizzie. I still strongly recommend getting an appointment with a solicitor to work out what you practically need to do to protect finances. Even if it is the CAB, talk to someone.

That's not the same as signing divorce papers or anything, it's just getting some advice on what to protect yourself against based on others experiences of similar situations.

Lizzie of course you still love him. You've known him for 12 years. You have a family together. It's impossible to flick a switch and all that shared emotion and shared history to be forgotten. It's also probably difficult to understand who this new person is, who can walk away from your lives.

Having tried to make it work with a cheating partner we didn't have DCs this is what I wish I had done:

1. contacted Relate. A good counsellor can help you to make sense of your emotions and to start to unearth what you want. Just now you are in reaction to what he has done. Reacting is understandable but not sustainable
2. safeguarded my finances. atm he isn't the person you can rely upon to support and care for you and your family. As I said upthread, going to CAB might be the easiest way to access this. It can feel more informal than seeing a solicitor.

You don't need to rush to do anything else and we're all here to support you with no pressure to act a certain way.

Utterly shocking, and either he's just proved that he's down to a single brain cell and you should let him go on the grounds of being an utter liability, or he's got some enormous issues going on.

Either way. Do ONE SET OF THINGS right now - LOCK DOWN FINANCIALS.

I will repeat - LOCK DOWN FINANCIALS.

Joint accounts, get copies of all holdings, pensions, payslips etc if you can. FIND OUT HIS NI NUMBER!

You might work this out and not need any of it. But please secure things - then you can safely take as much time as you want or need to try and unpick what is going on.

I think there's a faint unpleasant ukippy whiff about suggestions that this woman is in it for the passport. All we know about her is that she's a) foreign and b) an IT professional with a high-flying career who attends international conferences. She's a middle-class professional, not some slum dweller from the back streets of Guatemala City. I also don't think it's helpful to the OP to suggest that the OW being foreign means it'll never work as that suggests all she has to do is sit it out and wait for the inevitable crash and burn. My ex married the "exotic" OW and as far as I know they're still together, not far off a decade on (haven't had any contact with him for years).

A bit at all the scoffing at Guatemala/Guatemalans on here.

The OW's nationality is irrelevant to the thread.

Sorry your DH has turned out to be a twat,OP.

faint unpleasant ukippy whiff LOL GreatAuntDinah, well put.

OP - you can protect yourself and your DD now practically and financially, and still keep your options open. He may well go over there, realise after a few weeks that actually he's been a complete tool, and come crawling back. At which point, you can decide for yourself what to do.

But I think you need to proceed at the moment as if that's not going to happen. Assume that what he's told you is the literal truth and act accordingly. Do you own your house? If so, contact the land registry and get a hold put on the deeds so he can't sell it from under you. (Including if it's in his name only as you would still be entitled to a martial portion.

You are doing these things to protect yourself and DD. Because he may well swan off to Guatemala, but you've got to keep going in the real world.

I do feel for you, this must have been such a shock.

The nationality in itself is not relevant no. But the phenomnon of women (and of course men) from poorer countries hooking up with nationals from richer countries in the hope and expectation of money and/or a passport is a. common b. well-documented and c. something I have a lot of personal experience of (not just my ex but ex-pat experience in general). Of course sometimes it's all about love. But, ime, not often.

The fact that she has a "high flying career" does not mean that she can just walk into the EU and work. Perhaps that is her agenda.

The other alternative is that she is just as deluded as the OP's husband and believes that they will live happily ever after after meeting twice.

Anyway, either way, this is a horrific situation for the OP. Hope you're OK lizzie

Anyway, speculating about her motives is at best pointless, at worst actively damaging for the OP. She needs to focus on her own situation.

You are quite right GreatAuntDinah

You can try to save your marriage if you wish. But right now I am guessing it will be a one-sided attempt. But before you do anything else ensure he can't clean you out financially and see a solicitor. Nothing has to be definite but you need to know where you stand or you may well end up being in a real mess.

Lizzie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I totally get not wanting to throw your marriage away for something like this. However, I also think trying to save your marriage probably looks pretty similar to the advice you've had anyway. People also tend not to value those who sell themselves short. you don't have to shut the door but right now he isn't open to staying and clinging on won't help. Even if you're faking it, showing him you'll be fine without him and you won't just accept his rubbish is the best way to remind him what he's giving up. And if sadly he chooses not to come back you've done the best for yourself and your dc.

There's an old quote which some have attribute to Oliver Cromwell - after a fashion.

'Trust in God and keep your powder dry.'

As said above - lock down the financials. Then you can deal with the other side of things at more leisure and in more safety for DD.

Of course its relevant where she comes from. I'm sure its very relevant to the OP. Theres also virtually a whole industry out there, much of it online, of people (men and women) trying to get an EU boyfriend or girlfriend, as they see it as a passport to riches and a better life. Nothing wrong with that, but denying it happens is naïve in the extreme. I'm sure it all seems very light hearted and fun compared to having a sick wife and the usual mundane problems at home at the moment.

And yes, OP, see a solicitor asap and kick him out. You can't make (or want to) him stay, but you can protect yourself from the fallout.

He must also go to some very unusual conferences. I'd be checking his online history for more evidence of any cheating.

I was waiting for this thread to descend into disparaging women who you all view as "exotic" and submissive and ready to fly to benefitland. There are many women whose husbands leave them for other women on this board, but because you are see them as the same as you are, you tend to speak about them in a much more respectable way than you do when you speak about women like us. It's offensive and borderline racist how you view us.

OP, I am sorry your husband is leaving, like it's been said, don't wait for him to change his mind - even if he does, might not not be the same

OP

I agree with making sure your financials are safe as your first action. This is just as much for your DD's sake as for you.

Then, from a position of knowing your financial rug isn't going to be pulled from under you, you can take a good look at your marriage and if he's willing try to repair it.

There's an old saying come to mind, "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" I don't think you can go far wrong with that.

I'm sure its very relevant to the OP. Theres also virtually a whole industry out there, much of it online, of people (men and women) trying to get an EU boyfriend or girlfriend, as they see it as a passport to riches and a better life. Nothing wrong with that, but denying it happens is nave in the extreme

The fact that she has a "high flying career" does not mean that she can just walk into the EU and work. Perhaps that is her agenda

It is making assumptions especially racist assumptions about people that is offensive. All we know is that he is going to Gautemala, why would you all assume she wants to live in the UK? Why do you deliberately ignore that she has a career? Why insinuate her career might not be a career at all?